Problems with PG sister...Please help!

GetwickMom

My sister is 32 and due at the end of July with her first baby a girl and also the first grandchild in our family.

Throughout her pregnancy she's been very emotional and somewhat difficult with my mom and I especially. For example, I live in another country but she insisted on me flying 20hours to attend her "pregnancy announcement party". She also got pregnant before her BF and she were married, and asked my parents for 20,000 for a wedding next year after she's back to her prebaby size in addition to having them buy the baby furniture. She's also demanded that the entire family provide proof of TDAP vaccination before seeing the baby.

Anyway she and I had a falling out because she selected "my" baby name knowing that my DH are suffering from seriouss infertility issues. It got blown out of proportion with her accusing me of "making her pregnancy about me". Since then we've only exchanged a handful of emails although I did get her some nice things for her baby showers.

I'm planning on coming home for the birth and I am excited about my new niece, but I'm just worried that all of this drama will not go away after the baby comes. We were always close before and I don't want her to resent the fact that I wasn't really involved during her pregnancy and carry that forward. Sorry this is so long but advice is appreciated.

meltoine

Just because she insisted didn't mean you had to go to the party. 

The wedding thing is side-eye worthy, I'm with you there. But that's your parents' problem if they're willing to be bullied by her. 

The TDAP thing is reasonable. There have been serious outbreaks of pertussis in this country recently and she is well within her rights to protect her baby.

 I'm sorry you're struggling with IF and that she stole your name. It was a crap thing to do, but you seem to realize already that your sister isn't the most selfless person in the world. 

 Your post contains no actual questions, so I'm not sure what help you're looking for.  

PrimRoseMama

meltoine:

Just because she insisted didn't mean you had to go to the party.nbsp;The wedding thing is sideeye worthy, I'm with you there. But that's your parents' problem if they're willing to be bullied by her.nbsp;The TDAP thing is reasonable. There have been serious outbreaks of pertussis in this country recently and she is well within her rights to protect her baby. nbsp;I'm sorry you're struggling with IF and that she stole your name. It was a crap thing to do, but you seem to realize already that your sister isn't the most selfless person in the world.nbsp;nbsp;Your post contains no actual questions, so I'm not sure what help you're looking for.nbsp;nbsp;

Agree!

vintageutopia

I suffered infertility with my first, so I do understand how painful it can be to watch those we loves become pregnant. WIth that said, it does sound like you are finding fault with her out of jealousy or frustration (understandably).

• The requests for money are between her and your parents. It has nothing to do with you, so I would just cross that of my mental anguish list.
• The same with the TDAP vaccination. It's her baby and her choice.  Whooping cough is a serious concern and as crazy as it is to demand people get it before seeing the baby, it is ultimately her call.
• As far as the name, no one owns a name. As trite as that sounds, I have known people who have been friends/relatives and used the same name and others who have let it stop them from using the name they love. In your case, I would let it go. If you really love the name, use it. More than likely, you will have a special pet name or nickname for her/him that separates the name from your sister's child.

 

As hard as it is, you are just going to have to let go of your own baggage and decide what is more important here...your sister or your desire to be right, justified, or pitied. Your sister could be a selfish person, I really can't say because I have only heard your point of view, but she is still your sister. I wouldn't let the things you listed come between the two of you, especially if you have always been close.

 

Hugs

llybeck

Is she typically like this? It's one thing being hormonal/emotional but she sounds like she is going beyond that.

If it were me, I would wait until after birth and see what happens. I would hope she realizes that she is being inappropriate. Honestly, the part about your parents is your parent's issue and they have to figure out if they want to give into her demands. You didn't have to go to get party just because she insisted, that's unreasonable. TDAP I understand, that is a pretty big deal with all the outbreaks and regardless, It's a good idea to get vaccinated. It must be hard that she took that name but unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about that.

To be honest, from what you posted it sounds like she is very used to throwing tantrums and getting what she wants and it sounds like your family usually gives in. She's just going to keep acting like this if that is the case. As long as you tried to be supportive and you are going to be there for your niece, then that is all you can really do. I wouldn't give in to any more of her unreasonable demands though.

GetwickMom

Thanks for the replies I guess I should have been more clear about my question.

I'm trying to understand how to repair the relationship or even if that's necessary given what's gone on during her pregnancy? As I've never been pregnant, I don't know how much of it becomes unimportant once the baby's here and if the happiness of the new baby kind of melts away the anxieties/drama leading up to it? My primary worry is that she'll feel that I or my parents "didn't support her" during this important time and that our family dynamic won't recover before she got pregnant we were best friends and she and my mom were really close and I would hate to see that end.

vintageutopia

Well, no one can answer that for certain, but considering that you and she were close before she was pregnant, I would give her a pass on the drama for now. Especially, since she is a FTM. Not everyone deals with pregnancy and stress in the same way.

 

If you are really concerned, I would just keep checking in with her, asking her if there is anything she needs or just listen. Let her know that you are there for her, but don't get caught up in the drama.

llybeck

GetwickMom:

Thanks for the replies I guess I should have been more clear about my question.

I'm trying to understand how to repair the relationship or even if that's necessary given what's gone on during her pregnancy? As I've never been pregnant, I don't know how much of it becomes unimportant once the baby's here and if the happiness of the new baby kind of melts away the anxieties/drama leading up to it? My primary worry is that she'll feel that I or my parents "didn't support her" during this important time and that our family dynamic won't recover before she got pregnant we were best friends and she and my mom were really close and I would hate to see that end.

Well that's why I said to wait and see, every person and every pregnancy is different and if this is not her normal behavior, then maybe she is having a hard time handling this pregnancy. Maybe there are other stressors behind closed doors for her?

If you were that close before, I wouldn't worry too much. Again, all you can do is try to be there for her as far as being supportive and go from there. I'm sure she will come around but pregnancy is not always an easy thing and every person deals with it differently.

PrimRoseMama

GetwickMom:

Anyway she and I had a falling out because she selected "my" baby name knowing that my DH are suffering from seriouss infertility issues. It got blown out of proportion with her accusing me of "making her pregnancy about me". I'm just worried that all of this drama will not go away after the baby comes. We were always close before and I don't want her to resent the fact that I wasn't really involved during her pregnancy and carry that forward.

To be fair, it was really not nice for her to use a name that you had your heart set on. If she knew this AND your struggles with IF then I feel that out of respect for your feelings that she should maybe have considered a different name. That being said, she who has the baby first gets to name the baby however she chooses. Its stinks for those who have to wait (whether for bio reasons like IF or financial reasons etc.) but there is no law that babies can't have the same name within a family. I say if you still like the name then keep it for your future LO. Cousins can have the same name, its not a crime. Think about how many John's and Jacks there are in any one family. 

You may have taken some issues and made her pregnancy about you. I don't know, but she feels that way. Her feelings are as valid as yours. Did you apologize for trying to make her pregnancy stuff about you (if you did?). Maybe a good old fashioned come-to-jesus talk is in order to lay things out and clear the air. Acknowledge each others feelings and repair the relationship if you feel you need it, you know?

GetwickMom:

I'm trying to understand how to repair the relationship or even if that's necessary given what's gone on during her pregnancy? As I've never been pregnant, I don't know how much of it becomes unimportant once the baby's here and if the happiness of the new baby kind of melts away the anxieties/drama leading up to it? My primary worry is that she'll feel that I or my parents "didn't support her" during this important time and that our family dynamic won't recover before she got pregnant we were best friends and she and my mom were really close and I would hate to see that end.

It all depends on the temperament of those involved. If you live in a different country then she can't exactly fault you for not being as involved as you'd like in her pregnancy. My parents live across the country. I would never dream of being mad at them for "not being involved". 

I am confused though, because either you "made her pregnancy all about you" (supposed crime that she is butthurt about with regards to you) OR "you weren't involved enough". Which one is it? She can't have it both ways. Either way it sounds like a good conversation is in order to lay out concerns and such. 

It might all become irrelevant once baby is here, but it might not. There is no way to know. Can you send her a letter or email with your concern? That you want her to know that you care and that you love her. That you hope she doesn't feel that way? She might reply that she feels that way. What will you say/do/feel if she does, in fact, feel that you've abandoned her (or some such dramatic thing) during her pregnancy? Think on how you would respond to that. 

She could be in an emotional place and I think sometimes pregnant women forget that its not all about them and their baby. Yes, that a blanket statement. Not all pg women think this way, but pg is a very self involved process. Your brain goes through chemical changes and the self centerness can be unintentional. If she wasn't like this before pregnancy it could all be related. That doesn't excuse her from not looking outside herself, but it could be part of it. 

Keep in mind that often the post partum stage of pregnancy can be a real mind f.cuk. So, I wouldn't necessarily expect the conflict to end when baby arrives. I'd tried to iron this out before baby arrives, personally. 

Good luck. 

MrsZ&Ella

meltoine:

Just because she insisted didn't mean you had to go to the party.nbsp;The wedding thing is sideeye worthy, I'm with you there. But that's your parents' problem if they're willing to be bullied by her.nbsp;The TDAP thing is reasonable. There have been serious outbreaks of pertussis in this country recently and she is well within her rights to protect her baby. nbsp;I'm sorry you're struggling with IF and that she stole your name. It was a crap thing to do, but you seem to realize already that your sister isn't the most selfless person in the world.nbsp;nbsp;Your post contains no actual questions, so I'm not sure what help you're looking for.nbsp;nbsp;

agreed.

leahaustin

meltoine:

Just because she insisted didn't mean you had to go to the party. 

The wedding thing is side-eye worthy, I'm with you there. But that's your parents' problem if they're willing to be bullied by her. 

The TDAP thing is reasonable. There have been serious outbreaks of pertussis in this country recently and she is well within her rights to protect her baby.

 I'm sorry you're struggling with IF and that she stole your name. It was a crap thing to do, but you seem to realize already that your sister isn't the most selfless person in the world. 

 Your post contains no actual questions, so I'm not sure what help you're looking for.  

 

THIS.