Long post, feeling bitter... (from my blog post today)

mlebates

You know... you live right, you do what you're supposed to, you try to live up to the standards that have been set for you, and even try to exceed those standards.  Then life happens, and takes your legs out from under you, then kicks you in the gut.  And you're left on the ground in the fetal position wondering what you did wrong.  When we conceived Piper there was no problems!  We were married July 29th, and were IMMEDIATELY pregnant.  A BFP  on August 27th, and we were calling family that day.  The only 2 complications I had were around 6 weeks I felt something drop when I went to the bathroom, but found out the baby was perfectly healthy w/ a strong heart beat.  The second complication was I had high blood pressure my entire pregnancy.  So I was at risk for pre-eclampsia but never was diagnosed.  Piper was completely healthy. 

  Almost a year later another BFP on March 31st.  I was extremely surprised, and felt really overwhelmed but was coming to terms w/ another baby; even though I wasn't feeling ready.  That friday I noticed some bleeding, and had a bad feeling.  Saturday morning I ended up in an emergency run to the women's clinic in Laramie.  Ultra sound and blood tests confirmed I had lost the baby.  The doctor (who really needed to go back to med school to learn some bedside manners...) gave us the go-ahead to try again when ever we wanted.  Afterward we decided that it was something that we really did want.  So we tried again.  BFP on May 11th, and I was excited!!  Monday they sent me in for blood tests to check my BETA HCG levels.  They weren't good.  They were at a 7, but the nurse gave me hope telling me that it could just be VERY early in the pregnancy, and we will test again on wednesday.  It was pure torture waiting so I took 2 more pregnancy tests in between, and noticed that the positive line was getting lighter on the first try, and the 2nd try the test came back negative. 

  I knew what the next day would bring.  I also started to bleed again tuesday night.  Wednesday came and my numbers had gone down to a 2.  So no need to follow my numbers to 0 at that point.  So we had another loss on May 15th.  I decided I needed to let my body rest.  I wanted to wait at least 1 cycle before we try again.  I thought I was being careful, and timing when we could and when we couldn't (I was charting).  But turns out I probably ovulated earlier than I thought.  ANOTHER BFP on June 22nd.  Everything seemed to be going right, went in for my HCG test on monday which was at 23, much higher than last time.  Wednesday came and my numbers went UP to 35.  BUT that isn't doubling.  It was a doubling time of 79 hours.  The nurse told me on the phone that they wouldn't check my numbers again because I am going to lose this baby as well, and that I need to set up an appointment to find out why I am able to get pregnant but not keep the baby.

  So I set up the appt, but I was DETERMINED to prove this nurse wrong.  So I immediately decided I was going to suck down water like no ones business, and put myself on modified bed rest.  (This does not determine if you can save your baby, I just did this to feel like I was doing EVERYTHING possible to keep this baby inside.  But today shows signs of me losing yet another baby.  So here I sit feeling defeated, incomplete, like I'm being punished for something, and many more feelings that I can't articulate at this time.  But it is quite possibly the worst feeling I have felt to date.  3 back to back to back miscarriages.  I question why was it so easy for me to be pregnant and get pregnant w/ Piper, but now all of a sudden there is something wrong w/ me. 

  What am I doing wrong?  Why am I being punished?  What is wrong w/ me?  The worst part is I feel like I need to put on a smile for everyone and act like nothing is wrong.  I feel like there is this expectation hanging over me to just be normal.  Like it's not even worth grieving over.  Also I have a daughter to care for.  She needs me more than I need to grieve and be lost in my deep pit of despair.  Somehow, someway I will get through this, and hopefully I will have answers sooner rather than later.

Ewych82

My heart is breaking for you. When the nurse called to tell me that I would likely miscarry, I, like you, felt determined to prove her wrong. When I lost my baby, I too felt defeated. I still can't come to terms with why this happened to me. I eat healthy, I work out, I take all my vitamins, and yet my body can't do the one thing it's meant to do. It blows my mind. 

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through and I pray that you're able to find comfort here. 

Kelsey213

Words won't make any sense right now, and they won't make you feel any better, I know. I just learned that our first baby was lost at 9w, during our 12w appt. It is so easy to sit and question and become angry, and it is a natural part of the process I suppose, but the best thing I can do is try to take a step one at a time in a forward motion. I am so sorry you are dealing with all this hurt. Please know that I am praying for you and I pray you get your rainbow baby soon. My neighbor, what mc'd twice told me, "What God takes from you, He will give you back." I am clinging to this, hoping it is true for all of us. Hugs

carolinamommy2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. We've had two back to back losses and I feel discouraged and defeated so I can't imagine your pain. We've gotten pregnant our first try both times as well.
My doctor won't let us try until we've had 2 "normal" cycles. I cried so hard about having to wait so long but he said its hard for a pregnancy to stick if your uterus hasn't had a chance to heal. I hope your tests show there is nothing wrong and your next pregnancy sticks!
Thoughts and prayers!!

mlebates

Thank you ladies.  It is very hard to swallow right now that this is happening again.  I just need answers as to what the heck is going on.  

 

Thank you for your prayers.  It will help I'm sure of it. 

Maureene239

I am so sorry you and DH are having to deal with such a tragedy repeatedly, I'm saying prayers for the both of you right now. I have only had 1 mc but it has left me feeling bitter at times, and I hear it's pretty normal to feel that way. I wish I had the answers, or the power to grant miracles but I don't so I will continue to pray. (((Hugs)))