Parenting after a Loss

(Long) Intro from a TTCALer, former PGALer and TTGPer

For mobile users: (Long) Intro from a TTCALer, former PGALer and TTGPer

I know so many of you ladies and I am finding myself feeling more and more like there are times that I need to connect with other loss moms that are actively parenting.  So I thought maybe I'd intro here.

I'm pretty mixed about it though because I am currently TTCAL.  And many of the ladies I know on here because I recognize them as either TTCAL graduates or ladies from the BMBs I was previously a part of.  So, I know you all can understand that it's a really big mix of emotions for me to be part of this board when I am sort of balancing the sadness I feel when I know I could have been, and wish I was in one of your shoes (which is what has made me stay away) and the need to be able to communicate about things that relate to being a mom (which is what makes me want to be here).  I'm tearing up as I'm even writing this.  Which feels ridiculous.  I'm just writing an intro for Pete's sake!

Okay, since I'm trying not to make this a huge novel (which looking back, it is... sorry!!), here's my back story.

Our first pregnancy - DS

My husband and I got married later in life, already in our mid-thirties.  We decided to try to have a child in the spring of 2009 and I got pregnant with my son after two months off birth control.  So very easily and without any complications.  I had a great pregnancy (other than gaining too much weight), but really difficult birth experience that still leaves me upset when I think about all that happened and it's three years later.  Our son was born in February, 2010.  He is the light of our lives.  He is very healthy, smart as a whip, so, so happy and just brings joy to every moment of my life.  When we go grocery shopping, as soon as we even approach the check-out line he's telling the check-out person in his most enthusiastic voice about whatever purchase I got for him.  "I got *goldfish* crackers!!!" etc. etc. :)  I love being a mom more than I ever expected I would. And all I want is to have a sibling for him now.

Our TTC#2 journey

We started trying for a second in December, 2011 and I was 38.  My first BFP was a chemical pregnancy in February, 2012.  We thought it was a fluke, and even so naive at that time to think maybe it was a "bad" test.  Until I started reading up on it.  It was after that that I joined TB and started posting on TTGP.  I was really conflicted about the CP but didn't really think I belonged in the loss community at that point.  Loved TTGP and still think about those ladies often.  Still in touch with one of them who had a loss herself later and is now pregnant. 

Second BFP happened in April, 2012.  We fully expected this one to be healthy and normal and happy.  We didn't know it wasn't until we went for our first ultrasound in June.  I don't think I'll ever forget the midwife looking at the screen and her words to be me being, "Well, I'm looking.  And I see a sac.  But I am sorry to say, at this time, I don't see anything there."  Eventually I miscarried naturally a couple weeks after that, just before I was to have a D& C.

At this point I wasn't recommended for testing because no one thought that either of these losses indicated anything was really wrong. 

Third BFP was in September, 2012.  It was a loss pretty quickly (sometime during week 5 I think) but I did get some blood tests in at that point which showed very low progesterone as well as elevated TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone).  At that point my midwife recommended I go to an RE.  I made the appointment but they couldn't see me until after my FW came and went.  I asked if we were cleared to try again or not and she advised me to ask my RE.  Since I couldn't ask, and I figured the loss was so early, I made the judgment call to go ahead and try again.  I was now 39 and had no time to waste.  And what was the worst that could happen that I hadn't already been through?

So my fourth BFP was October, 2012. It ended up being the same situation as the April pregnancy.  Not even spotting and rising betas (albeit slow rising), but after several ultrasounds and an agonizing few weeks wait to make absolutely sure (which, which so emotionally difficult, I'm so glad my RE said a couple time, let's just give it one more week), determined there was so little development it was not going to be successful.  This time I had a D & C.  And in retrospect, I would have much rather gone through it naturally again.  It was just all much more emotionally traumatic for me in a hospital instead of being by myself at home.  I don't know, maybe that sounds weird to some people, but I just hate, hate, hate hospitals and the whole experience was just an added layer of anxiety for me.

RPL testing/diagnosis

After that I went through RPL testing.  After all the tests, I was found to have a small area of calcification on the edge of my uterus.  Unknown what it's from and absolutely no way to remove these little things.  If the embryo was to implant there it wouldn't make it, even if it were healthy otherwise.  But it's a pretty small area and it shouldn't prevent us from trying.  We just need a healthy embryo to implant elsewhere.

My thyroid levels are actually all fine (after a lot of research and talking to a friend who is an endocrinologist as well).  I am on Progesterone suppositories because it isn't going to hurt, although my cycles are still all regular and normal.  I've been charting all this time and my link is in my siggy.  I do have a heterozygous MTHFR mutation but homocysteine levels were normal so I'm just on Folgard for that as a precaution.  My CD Antral Follicle Count was actually good - 13 - and all other hormone levels normal.  With the exception of my Anti Mullerian Hormone.  Which came back *drastically* low at under .16.  And therein lies the root of my problems apparently.  It's all about the egg quality for me.  Poor egg quality.  So to cut to the chase, the RE advised that IVF wasn't going to give me any statistical advantage over our just trying on our own.  If we went with IVF we would have to do pre-genetic screening and the RE felt like with such a low AMH number the chances we would get a good egg were so slim that it basically wasn't going to give us any advantage over trying on our own.  Because we haven't had issues with getting the BFP (so far but who knows now...).  So that's what we've been doing.  Except I've added COQ10 supplements and Vitamin D supplements and in a couple months if we're still no where then I'll request to get that AMH level retested just to check where we're at.  I've researched that both of those supplements could make a difference.

So I've never been on anything other than progesterone.  Frankly, it was kind of a relief to me because I know from reading others' experiences that IVF is such a difficult journey financially, emotionally, and physically - I wasn't sure that we were going to be able to go that route at all anyway.  So the fact that it doesn't give us any advantage over continuing to try on our own is okay with me. 

After all that I got a fifth BFP at the end of March of this year which turned into a loss almost immediately as well. 

Today

And right now I'm at the end of my cycle facing a series of BFNs.  Today was the last day I was giving this cycle.  So I'm going off the progesterone and going to be waiting for CD 1.  I think this is what has pushed me over the edge to into here today.  I'm just so heartbroken that we might not ever have another child.  MH and I just stood there looking at each other talking about how grateful we are for DS.  While simultaneously I couldn't hold back the tears thinking that we very well may never be able to have another one.

So that's my story.

I'm not sure how much I'll post.... I'm mainly still over at TTCAL.  But I wanted to intro since there are definitely aspects of this journey that relate to parenting as well that I would like to share with other loss moms.  And there are just so many amazing ladies here (and so many that will be here soon) that I recognize from the other boards... I don't want to completely lose those connections.

And I am constantly balancing my joy for the friends I've made in their experience of being (mostly) new moms - because of how much I love being a mom - with the sadness in my heart that we haven't been able to have a sibling yet for my son.

So.... thanks for reading... and if you made it through all of that, I offer you some yummy looking treats...

image

 

 

dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010


 <dream 2> 12.2011


 2.10.12 : 4 weeks


6.17.12 : 10 weeks


10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days


12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day


4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days


10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days


4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day


6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative


 </dream 2>


 resolve.org


AMA, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, heterozygous MTHFR


"all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream"

lyrics

Image and video hosting by TinyPic
***All always welcome!!***

Re: (Long) Intro from a TTCALer, former PGALer and TTGPer

  • ct103ct103 member
    Hi anita, I remember you from TTCAL. I am so sorry for your long and difficult journey. I can't even fathom. I'm glad you decided to intro here because all of these ladies understand loss, and we would love to hear stories about your DS! Please talk to us about ANYTHING you need to get off your chest. Welcome!
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • morkmork member
    Welcome hun. ::hugs::
     Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Mama to 5 angel babies, 1 rainbow baby, and 2 more angel babies. 
    My beautiful Ella/ToT arrived 10/10/12. 
  • Loading the player...
  • I remember you too. Welcome! I am so sorry for your losses and traumatic birth experience. I hope you get your rainbow soon.
    BFP#1 12/18/10 EDD 8/28/11 | 2/14/11 discovered that our baby girl had anencephaly D&C 2/17/11 at 12.5 weeks | no O or AF post loss - Dx: AO + mild PCOS = secondary infertility Provera after 70 days = AF but no O | Provera + 50mg Clomid after 110 days = AF but no O 3 rounds of 100mg Clomid + Estrogen + Progesterone = mixed O results, all BFN hysteroscopy 1/6/12 - removed fibroid tissue injection cycle #1 - 75 IU follistim + ovidrel (triggered 2/9/12) + endometrin = BFP! EDD 11/3/12 | Beta @ 13dpo = 184, 17dpo = 993, 26dpo = >5000 IT'S TWIN BOYS!! Tommy and Charlie arrived on 9/10/12 after less than 6 hours of labor at 32 weeks Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • Welcome. I am sorry you have had such a difficult journey.

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie - (B9PH)

     

    Lilypie - (0YVF)
     TTC since 11/2009; Lap/HSG/Hysteroscopy: 5/2011 (endometriosis - removed; endocervical polyp - removed; high pressure in bilateral tubes - cleared)

    BFP #1: 8/4/11; DS1 born sleeping on 11/16/11 at 19w1d

    BFP # 2: 5/7/12, EDD 1/10/13, DS2 born 1/4/13

    BFP # 3: 11/8/13, EDD 7/17/14, mmc 10wks

    BFP # 4: 5/16/14, EDD 1/15/15, praying for our 2nd rainbow baby 

  • Hi Anita! I remember you as well. I am so sorry you are having such a difficult journey, and had such a traumatic birth experience with your DS. Please know that this is a safe place, you can talk to us about anything here. Super big (((HUGS))) to you, and lots of T&Ps. 
    PAL JULY SIGGY CHALLENGE: CAKE WRECKS
    image
    You Made me a mommy... 

    Ticker id: ARvP

           imageimageimageimageimage
     Lilypie - (KAFM)

  • Thank you ladies all so much for the warm welcome here.  It is so overwhelming in such a good way to see your siggys and read your stories, and especially those of you I remember from other boards - and I am incredibly touched that you remember me as well :)  It just means so much to me today I can't thank you enough.  I really look forward to being part of this board and giving support in any way that I can. 

    Also, here's a pic of me and my son, Simon, take a couple months ago. 

    image

    dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010


     <dream 2> 12.2011


     2.10.12 : 4 weeks


    6.17.12 : 10 weeks


    10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days


    12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day


    4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days


    10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days


    4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day


    6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative


     </dream 2>


     resolve.org


    AMA, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, heterozygous MTHFR


    "all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream"

    lyrics

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    ***All always welcome!!***

  • I'm so sorry for your long journey. Welcome and hugs!
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    BFP #1 6.19.11 ~ EDD 2.23.12 ~ CP on 6.22.11
    BFP #2 7.23.11 ~ EDD 3.28.12 ~ MC on 8.16.11
    BFP #3 11.17.11~ EDD 7.31.12 ~ MC on 1.18.12
    BFP #4 4.12.12 ~ EDD 12.25.12~ Born on 12.26.12
  • AlbahAlbah member
    Welcome Anita...your journey has been a rough one and i hope that your next BFP is your sticky baby! Please do share stories about your DS with us! Xoxo
    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers image
    BFP #3: 01/28/12, EDD: 09/23/12, MMC (BO), D&C 2/16/12 at 6.5 wks
    BFP #4: 05/23/12, EDD: 01/31/12, Early MC at 5 wks

    RPL Workup: + LPD (7DPO Prog = 7.8, Endometrial Bx = out of phase)
    Elevated Alpha 2-glycoprotein IgA and antiphosphatidylserine IgM -->
    Hematologist said not to worry and no need for treatment!

    Dx: LPD
    Cycle #1(08/2012): Clomid 50 mg CD3-7, Ovidrel CD13 + Progesterone = It worked!
    BFP #5 on 09/10/12 (11 DPO). HCG #1 @ 14DPO = 131.6 HCG #2 @ 16DPO = 509
    EDD: 05/23/2013 Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

  • Hi Anita!

    BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11

    BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14

     

    Lilypie - (2llN)

    Lilypie - (2L9u)

     

      My Recipe Blog
    ~All AL'ers welcome~

  • Of course you are welcome here. Welcome and hugs!
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Anita - I am pretty late to this post b/c I don't post as much here as I do on TTCAL, but I wanted to offer ((HUGS)) and also to tell you that I understand how you feel. It is such an odd an emotional place to be when you have a healthy, living child BUT you want another one and you are struggling with that.

    I do love that PAL is a place for us to talk about parenting, but I do feel there is a bit of a void on here b/c there isn't really a significant population of moms trying for another baby who are still experiencing loss (or there is, and they don't post about it). There are a couple of us, I know that for sure, but it's not nearly as prevalent.

    If you ever just need to talk about the emotions that surround being a PALer who is still suffering losses and the desire to give your child a sibling, please don't hesitate to PM me.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BFP # 1 - 12/19/09 EDD 08/27/10 - D&C 1/26/10 @ 9w5d

    BFP # 2 - 06/05/10 EDD 02/17/11, DS1 born on 2/14/11

    BFP # 3 - 04/10/13 EDD 12/21/13 - D&C 05/15/13 @ 8w4d

    BFP # 4 - 07/27/13 EDD 04/08/14 - CP 07/29/13

     

    BFP # 5 - 09/14/13 EDD 05/28/14, DS2 born on 5/22/14 

  • imageksyknelvr73:
    Anita I am pretty late to this post b/c I don't post as much here as I do on TTCAL, but I wanted to offer HUGS and also to tell you thatnbsp;I understand how you feel. It is such an odd an emotional place to be when you have a healthy, living child BUT you want another one and you are struggling with that.
    I do love that PAL is a place for us to talk about parenting, but I do feel there isnbsp;a bit of a void on here b/c there isn't really a significant population of moms trying for another baby who are still experiencing loss or there is, and they don't post about it. There are a couple of us, I know that for sure, but it's not nearly as prevalent.
    If you ever just need to talk about the emotions that surround being a PALer who is still suffering losses and the desire to give your child a sibling, please don't hesitate to PM me.

    I just saw this and can't say thank you enough. I really, really appreciate your reply and would absolutely love to connect with you more.

    So many, many hugs back and thanks for the welcome :]

    dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010


     <dream 2> 12.2011


     2.10.12 : 4 weeks


    6.17.12 : 10 weeks


    10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days


    12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day


    4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days


    10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days


    4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day


    6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative


     </dream 2>


     resolve.org


    AMA, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, heterozygous MTHFR


    "all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream"

    lyrics

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    ***All always welcome!!***

  • imagencchnat:
    HUGS, love!

    Huge hugs back!! I love that you are here now!!!! Xoxo!

    dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010


     <dream 2> 12.2011


     2.10.12 : 4 weeks


    6.17.12 : 10 weeks


    10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days


    12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day


    4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days


    10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days


    4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day


    6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative


     </dream 2>


     resolve.org


    AMA, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, heterozygous MTHFR


    "all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream"

    lyrics

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    ***All always welcome!!***

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