I sometimes find myself having a hard time relating to a lot of the miscarriage and loss groups, blogs and quotes out there because I am just not a religious person--I was raised that way; life without faith has always just been a non-issue for me. As a result when people talk about their angel babies and say they will pray for me and things like that I am unsure how to respond. For prayers I usually just say "thanks'. but I don't know how to respond if they press me about my faith in God or tell me that things will happen in God's time and crap like that.
Anyone else? Does it make you feel out of place? unheard? conflicted? I guess it mostly just makes me feel like I am without language to talk about it.
Re: grieving without God
DH and I are not religious at all. People have said those things to me. Personally, I don't think God (or any higher power) wants to break hearts and have people find out they have a dead baby in their womb, or a sick baby that will not survive to be born.
It's hard. But when people say those things, I just say "thanks" for prayers...and when they say things like "Everything is in God's time or control...whatever" I just state the previously stated....
People cling to their religious beliefs during hard times, I can't blame them for that--I just don't feel the same.
This
Of course. I do just say thanks and try to move the conversation along. I guess me struggle is that in the loss community the language isn't there for me. Things like reconciling my super prochoice stance and still needing to grieve early losses. It's complex.
I get the bolded entirely. I'm very pro-choice, but never thought I'd be faced with having to terminate my own VERY WANTED and LOVED pregnancy. I was in the boat of...I wouldn't do it but don't think I should tell other women what to do boa.
I wanted my twins very badly, but when you find out one has no heart and head and is actively causing your other twin to die of heart failure--it was very difficult to go through all of those emotions.
My family is very Catholic and very pro-life from conception. I was scared to death to discuss this with my mother, but she likened it to 'putting my babies in hospice care'...I got off on a tangent LOL
I can relate. I'm perfectly happy to have people who are religious pray for me if they want to; as far as I am concerned I will take all the good thoughts I can get. But it can be hard to talk about how you are feeling when it does not fit into the framework that most people use. My mother died when I was 25 and a lot of people tried to reassure me by saying that she was with the angels, or I would meet her when we were both in heaven. I just believe that when you die, you die -- so all of that rang false for me and made me uncomfortable, and it made it difficult to talk about my loss. Grieving my pregnancies has made me feel similarly out of place sometimes, though in general I am deeply grateful for the support of the women on this board, whether or not religion plays a part in their views.
As PP said, there used to be a check in for this sort of thing...not sure if there is enough interest to make it worth reviving.
9 IUIs = 9 BFNs
IVF October 2012: 22 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized, 5 frozen
ET #1: 1 blast = BFP; Blighted ovum discovered at 7w5d; D&E
FET #1: 1 blast = BFP; Missed m/c discovered at 9w5d; D&E
Karyotyping: normal ~ RPL Testing: normal ~ Hysteroscopy: normal
FET #2: 1 blast transferred 10/25; BFP 10/31!
EDD 7/13/14 ~ Induced at 37w4d due to pre-eclampsia ~ Born on 6/28/14
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I agree with this. I'm coming from an in the middle, or rather transition, place. I was not raised in a religious family, but in the last few years it is a relationship that I have actively sought and tried to make sense of (personal choice entirely). But it's still awkward because regardless of your faith, religious opinions, or feelings, they are most likely not going to be right in line with someone else's anyway. I think thanking Faithful (with the "big F") people is appropriate, because it shows appreciation for their way to show compassion and hope that your pain eases and you get what you are trying for!
this.
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TTC #1 since June 2012
Current Status: IVF with ICSI and PGS
Genetic, RPL, SA and Fertility testing = Normal/Good HSG = All Clear
BFP #1 12.30.2012 || Blighted Ovum 02.05.2013 || D&C 02.11.2013
BFP #2 09.10.2013 || c/p 09.12.2013
BFP #3 12.1.2013 || mm/c 01.15.14 || D&C 01.21.14 chromosome abnormality
May 2014: Residual HCG and retained tissue found
05.13.2014: Hysteroscopy D&C to find and remove retained tissue
June 2014: Tissue sample results indicate a partial molar pregnancy
May - Aug 2014: TTA for monitoring and testing
08.21.2014: Hysteroscopy to remove minor scar tissue - the result of 3 D&Cs
Sept/Oct: IUI #1 Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
Oct/Nov: IUI #2 Femara + Ovidrel = BFN
Nov/Dec: IUI #3 Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
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That's how I look at it too. Fwiw, I do believe in God but I don't think he has anything to do with planning our losses, so those comments annoy me just as much
BFP with #1 (twins!) 11/18/2011 - missed m/c at 8weeks3days; d&c 1/19/2012; myomectomy to remove 18cm+,10cm & 5cm fibroids 4/2012; TTC again 7/2012; BFP #2 (twins) 11/13/2012; missed m/c at 7weeks;
BFP #3: baby girl born 3/5/2014
Balaustine: an anthology about wanting family
I think most of us would agree that hearing "God has a plan" or whatever upsets us all.
BFP #1, 3/12, EDD 11/9/12, MMC 3/27/12, D&C 4/10/12
BFP #2: 11/16/12, EDD 7/25/13, MMC 12/5/12, D&C 12/6/12, Complete molar pregnancy confirmed 2/9/13, benched for 6 months until August 2013
IUI #1, 8/16/13 Femara + Menopur, 3 mature follicles, BFN
IUI #3, 10/8/13 Femara + Menopur, six mature follicles, BFN
BFP #3, 12/9/2013, while on treatment break, EDD: 8/22/2014 Please stick and grow, LO!
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When I get prayers, I think of them as well wishes and take comfort in them knowing I'm being thought about.
Now, I do believe in heaven and maybe hell. And I've had discussions with dh and my mom since our losses.
I can't believe HE needs all of these angel babies or kids, like the sandy hook tragedy.
Why these things happen I believe is unknown. Religion teaches there are things we can not understand, and that has brought me the most peace and most understanding of why this is happening.
I told dh and my mom that if He is that selfish and needs those babies I'm going straight to hell when judgement day comes , because I'll let Him know exactly what I think about that. I simply can't believe He needs them all or by the deaths of all those children is meant to teach one or two people a lesson.
So for me, there are things we can not understand. None of these tragedies are meant to be a lesson or happen for a reason.
That's just my take, and maybe you and others can relate. This is how I keep my sanity and my mostly positive outlook.
BFP#4 3/17/14 - rainbow Baby BOY arrived 11/10/14 !!
DX: Uterine Septum - Resection 9/5/13 || MTHFR Hetero A1298C || My Chart
Well said, this is me and my hubby too. And I have very religious parents, it's a bit of a fine line to walk sometimes balancing their beliefs and our lack of them.
Married August 2012. Me: 41 DH: 42
Daughter from previous marriage: 20
BFP 12/19/12: Ectopic discovered at 8 weeks, right tube removed 01/18/13
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Clomid cycles Nov. 2013 and Jan, Feb, and March 2014
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Just know that there are others out there going through the same struggles.
I'd be happy to run a checkin if people are interested. I can't recall the old format so I'd have to do some searching on the forum.
"It's, not, where you are, it's where you're going,
And it's, not, about the things you've done, it's what you're doing, now"
TTC Journey Began 8/12
BFP #1 11/9/12, MMC/D&C 12/21/12 @ 9w2d, EDD 7/24/13
SAs: 2%-3% Morph - RE Official Diagnosis Unexplained
BFN = IUI #1 (Clomid) | IUI #2 (Letrozole)
BFP #2 4/19/14 = IUI #3 (Letrozole)
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I would love that- I'm not sure how it used to be set-up but I know I'm not organized enough to be in charge of it. However, if there is anything I could to to help please let me know