Defeated

+SouthernMomma+

Hey everyone, I haven't posted in a few weeks so I'll reintroduce myself...

Im a 24 year old SAHM to a beautiful 6 year old girl & proud Marine wife, To my loving husband, 27. I have had 4 miscarriages total, 3 before my daughter and the most recent at 9 weeks pregnant, being on 6/7 via D/C. It took us almost a year to conceive our most recent angel baby, and I find my self completely unable to cope with this loss. My husband and I are Christians, and I have even caught myself questioning God. I cant understand how we could pray every cycle to conceive, actually conceive and then have it taken away from us. Is god really that cruel? No, I don't think so either, However what lesson was I supposed to learn from this that I hadn't already learned the first 3 times? I feel so confused and angry!

Around the time that we got our BFP, 10 other close friend couples announced their blessings also! We kept our pregnancy a secret from most everyone, Except close friends and few family members. When we found out that our little ones heartbeat had stop, its almost as if mine did as well. Just when I thought I had put all of this pain behind me and tried to move forward, Someone announces their babies gender on facebook. A close friend, someone that I genuinely love and care about... So why was I instantly angry at her? Its not like shes pregnant to hurt me, I know this. I was completely shocked by my own reaction and it broke my hurt that I would feel that way towards a close friend. My sister inlaw is also pregnant, and only a few weeks ahead of what I was. I feel as if losing this baby will always be in my face, Every time she goes for a doctor appointment, when she has the baby, when the baby reaches a milestone... There it will be. A constant reality of what we have lost. Will I resent my new niece or nephew or always be saddened by its presence? I sure hope not. I try to stay away from facebook for the same reason, having 10 other couples pregnant and constantly talk about it is too hurtful at this time for me to see. I know they arnt doing it to hurt me, and I would NEVER ask them not to post. They deserve to be happy and enjoy their pregnancies, I wouldn't want them to lesson that excitement on behalf of my personal grief.

 

Miscarrage is such a taboo topic, no one likes to talk about it unless they have a personal experience. Which are mainly the only ones I am able to open up too. The people knew about our loss try to console me the best way they know how, But every "word of encouragement" leaves me more angry. For example, "it happens all the time" as if knowing how often this happens will put the loss into perspective. Or their is, "Be grateful for the daughter you already have", this one hurts me to the core. Its like saying because I am grieving a little life lost, I don't appreciate the gift in front of me? How stupid is that? Of course I love and appreciate my daughter, But that doesn't make the pain of losing yet another child anymore comforting for me. "It will happen in Gods timing" is another one that I hate, Did I not pray that Gods will be done in my life and to give us a child when he saw fit?? Well he did, then he took it away. Why don't you give me an answer to that instead of some stupid encouragement line that society believes will help.

Just as my title states, I feel so defeated.

Sorry for the long post, I just needed an outlet to get these words out... Im sorry each and everyone of you have to be here. No one deserves this, No one.

carlsonbaby2014

I'm so very sorry for your losses .  I hope you can find some comfort on this board.  I have personally reduced my fb time significantly, and have blocked updates from friends who have newborns or are pregnant, if anything just temporarily until I can feel okay with it again...although I'm not sure when that will be.  I've replaced the time spent on there with time spent on this board.  Sometimes I'm giving ((hugs)) and comments on others threads, sometimes I'm reaching out for comfort of my own, sometimes I'm just perusing and sending up silent prayers for the women, and their DH/SO's who are going through this.  It IS awful and I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  My husband and I are also christians and I have found myself not wanting to go to church or our small group.  I don't want the "all in God's time" responses, or "you'll see your angel again someday".  I just can't handle that right now.  Even though none of them know, I also don't want to just go on pretending like I'm the same I was when they last saw me.  We're different now, we're changed.  I keep praying that God just meets me where I'm at.  Even if we don't talk for a while.  It doesn't make it any better, but I will definitely be praying for you and your DH at this time.  Please come to us any time you need to vent, share your feelings, anything...we're here for you.  Big ((HUGS)) to you.

+SouthernMomma+

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, Im equally sorry that you have to be in this situation. I can completely relate to not wanting to go to church, or any other function. I read a quote once that said "The only thing that hurts worse than losing something that meant the world to you, Is pretending you lost nothing." how true is that, especially when we are around people that don't know. Even showing the slightest emotion in front of people can leave you be forced to slapping a vague title on something so precious to you. I may be borrowing your prayer for God to just meet me where im at also. ((Hugs back))

carlsonbaby2014

+SouthernMomma+:

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond, Im equally sorry that you have to be in this situation. I can completely relate to not wanting to go to church, or any other function. I read a quote once that said "The only thing that hurts worse than losing something that meant the world to you, Is pretending you lost nothing." how true is that, especially when we are around people that don't know. Even showing the slightest emotion in front of people can leave you be forced to slapping a vague title on something so precious to you. I may be borrowing your prayer for God to just meet me where im at also. ((Hugs back))

This is so strue.  So, so true.  Thank you for taking the time to share and reach out.  This really is the best place to be.

Maureene239

I'm so sorry for your losses. A loss is a loss no matter how far along you were or whether you already have child. We are here for you anytime you need to vent. My sister in law is also pregnant and her due date is 3 weeks before mine was. DH and i had ttc for 6 years so i thought this was what God was waiting for, these cousins are meant to be close. Then i had a mc at 6w5d and i am ashamed to say I've been so upset with God. Why would he finally let us get our BFP then turn around and take it away?! I'm trying to get past it with counseling and these boards really help. I'm sending up a prayer for you and DH during this hard time!

Ewych82

I'm so sorry for your loss. Having a miscarriage is devastating and, like you, I cannot stand some of the words of encouragement I get. My personal favorite is "at least you know you can get pregnant." I want to scream when people say that because being able to get pregnant isn't exactly a positive unless the end result is a baby!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.