Showing up unannounced, not baby shower related
lisa5201
member
Sorry this isn't really baby shower related, more etiquette related I guess. Maybe I just need to vent and I'm not sure where to take this
I just don't know how to deal. My dad lives an hour away and has generally been helpful with my daughter, but now that I've had the new baby he wants to be at my house all the damn time. Today he showed up unnanounced for the 4th time in 7 days. The other three times he called me to tell me he was coming, he invited himself, but was at least letting me know. But today he just showed up. He doesn't drop in for an hour or two, he generally gets here at 9am and stays until 3 or 4pm, sometimes he brings stuff so he can sleep over. He doesn't ask, he just tells us.
I've tried to tell him he needs to let us know when he's coming so we can plan our day, but he just brushes me off, and says he'll come with us to dance class or whatever, or he'll just stay at my house alone while we are out. He does play with my daughter and she adores him, he also will often cook lunch, but he is also "helpful" by trying to control how we spend our money, what kind of food we eat (he is a vegan), and even how our house is decorated (he brings framed art and things he finds at the goodwill and puts them up around the house). As I am typing this I realize how truly out of control and ridiculous it is.
He is unmarried, lonely, retired and in his 70's. I know it would break his heart if I told him point blank to stop coming so much, and I am trying to just deal, but I need to set some boundries. I need some space and privacy. It's too much. absolutely too much, and he has zero concept of how he might be an imposition to us. Anytime I have tried to tell him to back off, it gets ugly. He is emotionally like a child and takes it deeply personal.
Short of moving to a new country, I am at a loss. Any advice is appreciated.
Re: Showing up unannounced, not baby shower related
You've got to be honest. You can be nice about it, but you need to be honest.
Tell him that it's too much. You want to see him, you want him to spend time w/ the kids- but it can't be so often and it can't be unannounced.
THEN set up a specific day each week that he can come. Perhaps if you have something scheduled, it will get him to back off.
But you do need to tell him WHY you need a schedule. And if you can - you might even want to tell him that all these unannounced visits are making you want him to not come at all. You DON"T WANT to feel that way, and because of that, you NEED for him to come on a prescheduled day.
Then past that... be ready to lock the door. He shows up unannounced or after a phone call where he says "I'm coming" and you tell him it's not a good time - lock the door and don't answer it. Seriously.
Part of the reason he gets pissed and "gets ugly" is because he knows it works- he'll ultimatley get what he wants. You have to stop worrying about upsetting him. That's on him, not you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am typing this in my room where I have gone so I can just get a little space. So far my dad has come upstairs and into my room 3 times. Once to ask me if I was okay, I said yes, just wanted a little privacy. To which he responded by sighing and walking out of the room. 5 minutes later he returned to bring me the newspaper, in case I wanted to read it, and to stare out my bedroom window for a little while. Then 10 minutes after that he came back to ask me if I was hungry and did I know it was raining (no and yes)
I think he might sense that I am not happy that he just showed up today, and is trying to make it better by smothering me with his presence
Thank you, I do think I just need to be honest
That's really tough.
It sounds like he has had long time boundry issues, and while I agree with everything the PP said, I have a feeling even if you confront your dad in the most gentle yet firm way, nothing much is going to change.
I totally understand needing your space and not wanting your parent (or anyone) to just drop by unannounced. So sorry you are in this situation!
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Like ECB said, I would try the honest and direct approach and try not to sugar coat. If he is anything like my MIL, he will hear " Blah blah blah we love you, blah blah blah, we want to spend time with you blah blah blah the kids like having you around."
It is sad, but sometimes our parents are no different than our toddlers in the middle of the candy aisle at the store. If they learn that throwing a fit will get them what they want, then they will keep doing it. Your father has obviously learned how to manipulate you and will keep doing so until it doesn't work for him anymore.
Again, like ECB said, have scheduled times that he comes over like Sunday nights and Wednesday afternoons. If he calls at other times say " Now is not a good time, but we look forward to seeing you on Sunday." If he asks why now isn't a good time, just keep repeating that it isn't a good time. DO NOT GIVE HIM REASONS. This will only give him ammo to tell you why now is a perfectly good time for him to come over and argue with you. Do not give him that opportunity. IF he comes over unannounced, don't answer the door or just crack it open and say that you are sorry he made the trip all the way out there, but now is not a good time and you look forward to seeing him on Sunday.
Remind yourself that he will be hurt, disappointed and upset. That is ok. The world won't end if your dad is mad at you. At a certain point ( and I think you are there) you have to put your well being over your dad's feelings. You and your kids simple can't be his sole source of companionship. That is an impossible and unfair burden to put on you.
Awww my heart goes out to you, because I know you're hurting!
I had a similar situation with my dad, except I was 19, single, and with no kids. I had just moved into my 1st apartment, and was so happy to have my own home/space. He lived about 7 minutes away, and came over EVERYDAY! Most days it was a short visit (he wanted to check on me and make sure I got home from work ok, etc). Sometimes he came just to watch tv in peace, because my stepmom would bother him while he watched sports lol.
As a young woman trying to enjoy my newfound freedom, it was annoying as heck. What's worse, I gave him a key the day I moved in, in case of emergencies. He used that key daily to let himself in. The final straw: I was in my bedroom enjoying some time with one of my toys (
) when he let himself in.
I didn't handle it very nicely though. I rudely stated that he was getting on my nerves, and I didn't want to see him like that anymore. I took the key out of his hand, and told him to get out. If I wanted to see him I would come to his house.
Obviously, I am not encouraging that response. Don't do that. It really hurt my dad's feelings. I say all that to say this, find a nice way to let him know you need boundaries. I agree with PP, set up a schedule with him.
BFP 3/29/2014 2u2 Let's do this!
My FIL tried to do this when we moved into our new house. It's in the same small town as my IL's, so they thought they could just "pop by". I let them know (and talked it over with MH who also let them know) that this was not ok. They needed to call first, or even send a text and ask if they could stop by, or anything. Just like we do for them!
Well FIL tried to ignore this, thinking we were just being "stuck up", and since he can't drive due to seizures tries to walk over to our house daily. I don't answer the door. I ignore the door bell and the knocking. He has since stopped "popping by" and now calls MH if he wants to come over.
ETA: I've already informed everyone that once LO is here I'm turning off the door bell, due to people ringing it 5 times in a row. Who does that? Give me a second to waddle up my stairs! Geez!
I agree with many of the PPs. If he shows up unannounced, answer the door and tell him that it's not a good times so he'll need to leave and he should have called first. And he can only "tell you" that he is coming over, if you let him by not immediately saying "NO, you aren't, it's not a good time for us, why don't we plan a day/time that works for both of schedules." If he shows up anyway (which will probably happen the first few times), realize that he's testing your boundaries and be firm by not letting him in and reasserting that NO he can't come in since you told him that it's not a good time.
People only treat you how you allow them to treat you and it sounds like it's way past time you start standing up for yourself and not allowing yourself to be emotionally manipulated.
That's a really tough situation you are in. Obviously, he's lonely and these visits mean a lot to him. On the other hand, I totally get how this could be stressful for you. I'm the same way, regardless of how much I love someone whether it's family or friend, I just need privacy and can't deal with Someone being over at my house constantly. Anyway, it did occur to me though, reading this part of your post that maybe your unhappiness about him showing up is coming off of as potential post partum blues and he's concerned and is checking in on you with frequent visits? Just a thought. Either way, maybe you should have a chat with him and just set a schedule with him? Hope it works out for you.