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Donniesgrrl
member
Seeking some advice, A little TTGPR...LONNNG
Donniesgrrl
member
So Since I have been lurking about in here, I really respect a lot of the opinions and thoughts given here. I am posting from another board I post on, a board for People with family members with Borderline personality disorder. My Mother. The post below will give you some back story, but where it stands now is that I am no Contact with them, we have invited them to events that our Kids are a part of but that is it. I know it is a little cart before the horse because I am not PG yet, but it helps me to quiet the voice so to speak and move through the anxiety with opinions from others.
When we do get pregnant I have no idea how to tell them, or if I even want to. I have a feeling that I will put it out there on Facebook and they can find out that way like everyone else, but then the guilt sneaks in and I feel like I am being as cold and heartless as she is towards me.
With that being said My mom was present at the Births of both Children and that will not be happening again, she was fine in the delivery room, but with where things stand now there is little to no relationship so why would she be there. I guess I am just looking for opinions, thoughts, snark, whatever, is welcome, after what I have been through in the last year I can take it ha ha.
Back Story:
Hi there! 
Let me start by saying that although I have been in therapy for about 4 months my Therapist and I just came to the conclusion that my Mother Most likely Suffers from BPD.
I will start at the Beginning:
In October My Husband and I decided to go away for a weekend, up until this point we had never had my parents watch our Children for longer than an overnight but we decided that we needed to try so we dropped the kids off and we were on our way. The first day they had them Everything was fine, However on the Second day when we were to be coming home and getting them there was an issue with my Daughter, Mind you the issue began in the Morning when my Mom felt that DD was being Disrespectful because she would not say Good Morning to my Dad (the night before he yelled at her for running around and apparently she was pretty upset about it) So instead of letting it go, my mother decided to make and issue of it DD is 3.5 her attention span is that of a puppy. Growing up, when my mom decided to make an issue of something it often led to hours upon hours of yelling, discussion, emotional abuse, sometimes physical consequences and food withholding.
I finally received a Phone call at 3PM that this had been going on all day (it started at 7am) and that DD had cried herself to sleep because she was in my moms word "beligerent" and "destructive". now I do not claim my Children to be angels, however I know that behavior of that nature is completely out of character for her so my gaurd went up. I told my mom that she needed to let it go at that point, and that DH and I would talk with her when she got home and deal with the issue. to which I was told " I have to take a stand, if I let this go she will walk all over us" again she is 3.5. I told them we would be home shortly and that they should head back, they were 2 and a half hours away. At 7:30 we had heard nothing from them and our kids were still not home, I called and I was told they would be there when they got there and that DD was the reason they were late because she was being defiant. I said to them Just bring my kids home now. at 9pm they arrived at our house. My Husband and I were very upset at this point. All the memories of my Childhood came flooding back and I was terrified about what my Daughter was going through.
The first thing out of my moms mouth when she walked through our door was "I don't know what is wrong with her, I have never seen a kid act that way, she may have a problem". We calmly replied we would handle it From there and said thanks for watching them and sent them on their way. We got DD and DS to bed and went to bed as well.
The Next Day the crap hit the fan, I began getting angry text messages about how ungrateful we were that they would even watch our kids. My DD has a mental problem because she acts this way, I am a bad person because I did not shower them with Gratitude for watching the kids. We were not there so we have no idea what happened etc. etc. etc. at this point I was fighting with her for 3 days, in which time I also found out that my step dad spanked my 2 year old twice and that DD had been injured the night before and they held her down (my moms words not mine) to put ice on the injury but she was beligerent so they locked her in a room until she would allow them to help her (sounds nuts I know). It finally culminated with me telling her to eff off and that I was done.
After all of this I turned to my dad and Step Mom's Family and asked for Guidance, I began going to therapy and it has helped immensely in dealing with my issues that came about because of this episode. Last night after I spoke to my counselor about the most recent contact with my mother, she began to ask me a series of questions about my mom and about my experiences growing up and we came to the conclusion that it appears she has a form of Borderline personality Disorder.
In the process I have been going through in Therapy I have come to such an immense place of peace and it has helped in my Marriage and in how I parent my own children. However up until last night, we could never really put a finger on why she acts this way and has all but refused to try and move forward in a new way so that we can have some sort of relationship and so that she can also have a relationship with our kids. My mom wants to have a discussion about the allegations I made and the very terrible awful things I have said about them(her and my Step Dad, who we are pretty sure has a narcissism problem), I confronted her about some of the abuse and she basically told me I was remembering wrong .
A discussion with her is always a lecture and a means of her haranguing me and making herself feel better so that SHE can move on meanwhile I feel like garbage afterwards and have yet again put her needs in front of my own and my families and I have flat out refused to do that. I have offered to say the past is the past but she keeps returning to "this is what I need to move on" and so I am sticking to my guns and that may or may not mean we do not have a relationship.
Knowing what I know now makes it much easier to realize that the "Normal" relationship I was hoping for will never be. While it does make that realization easier it does not make it any less difficult to cope with...
Let me start by saying that although I have been in therapy for about 4 months my Therapist and I just came to the conclusion that my Mother Most likely Suffers from BPD.
I will start at the Beginning:
In October My Husband and I decided to go away for a weekend, up until this point we had never had my parents watch our Children for longer than an overnight but we decided that we needed to try so we dropped the kids off and we were on our way. The first day they had them Everything was fine, However on the Second day when we were to be coming home and getting them there was an issue with my Daughter, Mind you the issue began in the Morning when my Mom felt that DD was being Disrespectful because she would not say Good Morning to my Dad (the night before he yelled at her for running around and apparently she was pretty upset about it) So instead of letting it go, my mother decided to make and issue of it DD is 3.5 her attention span is that of a puppy. Growing up, when my mom decided to make an issue of something it often led to hours upon hours of yelling, discussion, emotional abuse, sometimes physical consequences and food withholding.
I finally received a Phone call at 3PM that this had been going on all day (it started at 7am) and that DD had cried herself to sleep because she was in my moms word "beligerent" and "destructive". now I do not claim my Children to be angels, however I know that behavior of that nature is completely out of character for her so my gaurd went up. I told my mom that she needed to let it go at that point, and that DH and I would talk with her when she got home and deal with the issue. to which I was told " I have to take a stand, if I let this go she will walk all over us" again she is 3.5. I told them we would be home shortly and that they should head back, they were 2 and a half hours away. At 7:30 we had heard nothing from them and our kids were still not home, I called and I was told they would be there when they got there and that DD was the reason they were late because she was being defiant. I said to them Just bring my kids home now. at 9pm they arrived at our house. My Husband and I were very upset at this point. All the memories of my Childhood came flooding back and I was terrified about what my Daughter was going through.
The first thing out of my moms mouth when she walked through our door was "I don't know what is wrong with her, I have never seen a kid act that way, she may have a problem". We calmly replied we would handle it From there and said thanks for watching them and sent them on their way. We got DD and DS to bed and went to bed as well.
The Next Day the crap hit the fan, I began getting angry text messages about how ungrateful we were that they would even watch our kids. My DD has a mental problem because she acts this way, I am a bad person because I did not shower them with Gratitude for watching the kids. We were not there so we have no idea what happened etc. etc. etc. at this point I was fighting with her for 3 days, in which time I also found out that my step dad spanked my 2 year old twice and that DD had been injured the night before and they held her down (my moms words not mine) to put ice on the injury but she was beligerent so they locked her in a room until she would allow them to help her (sounds nuts I know). It finally culminated with me telling her to eff off and that I was done.
After all of this I turned to my dad and Step Mom's Family and asked for Guidance, I began going to therapy and it has helped immensely in dealing with my issues that came about because of this episode. Last night after I spoke to my counselor about the most recent contact with my mother, she began to ask me a series of questions about my mom and about my experiences growing up and we came to the conclusion that it appears she has a form of Borderline personality Disorder.
In the process I have been going through in Therapy I have come to such an immense place of peace and it has helped in my Marriage and in how I parent my own children. However up until last night, we could never really put a finger on why she acts this way and has all but refused to try and move forward in a new way so that we can have some sort of relationship and so that she can also have a relationship with our kids. My mom wants to have a discussion about the allegations I made and the very terrible awful things I have said about them(her and my Step Dad, who we are pretty sure has a narcissism problem), I confronted her about some of the abuse and she basically told me I was remembering wrong .
A discussion with her is always a lecture and a means of her haranguing me and making herself feel better so that SHE can move on meanwhile I feel like garbage afterwards and have yet again put her needs in front of my own and my families and I have flat out refused to do that. I have offered to say the past is the past but she keeps returning to "this is what I need to move on" and so I am sticking to my guns and that may or may not mean we do not have a relationship.
Knowing what I know now makes it much easier to realize that the "Normal" relationship I was hoping for will never be. While it does make that realization easier it does not make it any less difficult to cope with...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Seeking some advice, A little TTGPR...LONNNG
Well, that's a lot of secondhand, non-professional diagnosing going on there. I wouldn't worry about it because a lot can change by the time you actually are pregnant, and it sounds like you have enough to worry about without adding to it.
However, in case you end up pregnant tomorrow - I would still tell my mother I was pregnant without having her find out on FB. That's just going to add to the riff. However, I would tell her and then stay the hell away from her. I would definitely limit/cut out the amount of unsupervised time my child spent around someone that I considered abusive.
April 2013: Femara + Trigger + IUI = ???
My mom has borderline personality disorder, she exhibited abusive behaviors to my kids last October when they watched them for a weekend, I was clueless as to the fact that there were issues with me growing up until I Felt she was going after my kids in the same way I was attacked for 30 years and I had a breakthrough Crisis (Abuse survivor term for WTH did I live through and Holy Sh*t I made it), We are no Contact with them, except when it comes to the kids Bdays and Big events, I know it is cart before the Horse, but if and when we get pregnant I am at a cross roads with how to tell them.
Hope that helps
The back story is the really long part
I haven't been in a similar situation, but I do have a history of mental disorders in my family. Through years of therapy I have learned one really important fact.
You have to take care of yourself, and your kids. In that order. If you aren't happy and healthy your children wont be either. Trying to make your mother happy and constantly going back and forth can very easily turn in a codependent relationship.
Family can be hard. But just because they are family doesn't give them a free pass to stomp all over you.
these are of course just my experiences and understandings, doesn't make them law. But I am really happy for you that you are talking with someone.
I think if it were my mom, I would say thank you so much for watching our children, but due to the circumstances, i don't believe we will be needing your help again. This is not how we wish to parent, punish or teach our children and I am very upset that this is how you chose to handle the situation. Until we can work out our differences in a way in which I feel that myself and my children can be happy and healthy around you, I am not sure how much a role you will have in their lives.
If this was my MIL, which I feel it will be sooner rather than later, I have no idea how I would handle it. I am scared to death of her.
But you are a mom now. Talk out your issues with your therapist and commit to being the mother you want to be. In the end you have to hope we are all just trying to do the best with what we are given.
Good luck!
DD: 4-5-14
I think that letting your Mom find out over facebook would only intensify the problem. I would meet her for a coffee in a public place or at least call her if you are not comfortable meeting her in person.
For everything else, I would sit down with your DH and possibly your therapist and discuss setting healthy boundaries when it comes to dealing with your Mom and StepFather
GL!
Thanks for the condensed version, OP! Lol
I agree with these comments above. GL!
I a very sorry that happened to you and your children. I can only imagine how I might feel if I was in your shoes.
I work with individuals with mental illnesses daily including personality disorders. If your mother truly does have a personality disorder (which you really will not know until she is seen by a professional because it is second hand and difficult to dx), one of the best ways to respond/interact is brief and factual. And always have boundaries.
Personally, I would tell her if you were pregnant and leave it at that.
Thank you for your Insight, I have a lot of guilt with many things in my life, mainly to do with the fact that for a lot of my life in escalated situations I was the parent and she the child, I was always the "golden Child" and was tasked with handling Moms Tantrums, now that I am on the outside looking in, it is positively mind boggling to me that I did it for so long, and that I allowed it to carry over to my marriage.
I really feel that it took the moment where I felt my childhood fears roll through me in regard to what my kids may have experienced in their care to snap me out of my Haze. In so many many ways I have come to a place of peace and freedom but there is still a large part of me who misses my mom, not the crazy but my mom. It saddens me that the illness prevents her from being able to be the person I know she can be when she isn't in a rage cycle, and that she is stuck in that life. It also saddens me that I was willing to move forward with her, but she is absolutely unable to let go of what happened and move forward and respect the boundaries I have clearly defined for her, and my Step Dad.
I never really knew how much I had neglected my own happiness, my Husband, and my Family to care for her emotionally, My H and I have come to an amazing place in our marriage in all of this, and I have literally transformed the way I parent because I refuse to be the same way to my kids, which is the bonus in this, but it still saddens me that I will never have the kind of relationship I crave with my mom, even though I have some amazing mother figures in my life who help to fill the void.
All of this, but especially the bolded. Very concise, to the point and non-emotional which is good. Sorry you are having to deal with all of this, OP. GL
Me - 29, DH - 30
Married 8/2008
TTC since 8/2013
9/2014 Progesterone test - Perfect
10/2014 HSG - All Clear
9/2014 DH's SA - Perfect
It is at that point practically, We invited them to DD's Dance recital, and when it was done, she and my SD talked to and said Hi to everyone but My H and I, I really and over them treating em that way period,b tu especially in front of my Children, yes they are young but what kind of example are they setting. In my good christian self I feel I have to continue to be the bigger person but as my Dad and SM have said being a good Christian doesn't mean being a doormat, you do not have to allow someone to treat you that way in order to be the bigger person.
I feel like it would hurt the kids to not have them around ever though and that is where the guilt comes in, even though they have 2 other amazing sets of Grandparents, and a ton of other family to boot, I know the kids miss them, mostly because any contact since the incident has been supervised and heavily monitored so they had to be on their best behavior otherwise we would leave. So there have not been any issues since the one in October, with the kids anyway, she has been a complete nut job towards me and my H.
Good luck
ITA - speaking from the viewpoint of someone with an emotionally abusive parent, i urge to step away. Your children may miss having grandparents in a 'general sense' but they will not miss having been exposed to the craziness that is inherent in your parents.
I don't have any kids so I can't really give you an advice on that front.
But I feel like we have the same mother. Sadly.
My mom was an emotional basketcase, I was looking at her emotional needs by the time I was 8. I wouldn't say she was physcially abusvie .. she was, but I wouldn't really classify it as that. I was never seriously injured but she did have a point of making sure I KNEW that she could hurt me if she wanted to.
She is medicated now .. she is diagnoised Bi-polar disorder, and while she does have her ups and downs, it is amazing the person she has turned into. So, there is SOME hope, BUT, she has to come to the conclusion on her own, and many do not get there.
We have in as many ways as possible without cutting them completely out, They are Never alone with the kids, they do not see the kids unless it is at a family event, which is hard to avoid because I have siblings with kids and my kids are very close to their cousins. But I totally understand what you are saying and I think that is why it is so difficult for me, I want to end the cycle but there are still little ties that I can't/don't want to cut because of the effect it may have on the kids.
I think you hit on something here.
Think of it this way. We all have limited resources; only so much time in the day, only so much energy each day, so much money, etc. How do you want to spend those resources? I think using them to be a happy, healthier you is the greatest thing you can do as a "good christian" not to get preachy. How can you really be present for your kids and your DH if you are constantly worried and stressed up these situations? You can always approach the relationship again later once you have had time to heal.
This is not saying you should neglect everything but yourself, simply that I have found that when I am my best self it makes me a better wife, neighbor, daughter, and hopefully mother one day too. Now I don't have kids yet so I honestly can't imagine being in this situation. But I think you are on the right track, and I am very happy you have someone to talk to and that you are feeling better. Keep it up.
DD: 4-5-14
Unfortunately, it won't go away unless she decides to get help for herself, and even then, there are no guarantees. Like Meat said, I would find ways to spend time with your other family that won't put you or your children in an awkward or uncomfortable situation. If it means missing some of those events, so be it.
Also, if you keep inviting them to things and they either don't show, or show up and do not even talk to you, I would not invite them to anything again. It seems like you've made your boundaries clear and if they don't want to adhere to them then they don't want to be a part of your life.
It sounds like your children will still have great relationships with other grandparents, like your dad. I really hope you're able to work your way through this and do what's best for you and your family.
Your mother and stepfather should NEVER, EVER babysit your children ever again! They should only see them when you and/or YH are present, and if I were you, I'd even be wary of that.
As for how to tell your mom when you become pregnant, maybe a brief phone call and that's it.
. .
. .
I grew up in a home where I was made to feel guilty for everything. My dad had a short fuse and would yell. My mom... I don't know but she had a way of making you feel guilty for thinking. I got locked in the mechanical room once for crying. I don't remember why I was crying. I felt inadequate and still have a hard time expressing myself because i was never allowed to speak up.
I don't think she has bipolar disorder but it was an unhealthy and unnurturing environment and I don't want my kids to ever experience that. Ever.
We will limit my kids exposure to them as I already limit my own exposure to them.
I'll tell her when I get pregnant, because I'd feel guilty not to and she lives far enough a way I don't think she'd hover...but I could be wrong
Never feel guilty for doing what's right for you, your children and your family. Try not to make the decision in anger. Think about it. And make the right choice for you.
Sorry you and your daughter went through this.
Oh the stories I could Share with you, Our punishments ranged from Lectures that went on For Days, yes DAYS, I am talking sun up to sundown through the night and on, no food barely a bathroom break to being locked in our rooms until we admitted that we were wrong (when in reality we usually did not do anything) and not being fed till the queen deemed it time to eat. I still to this day have no idea how to eat or feed myself on a proper schedule. There were other punishments but I am not going to open that wound again, because they are part of my past and I am working to put them behind me in therapy and rehashing has been a dangerous thing for me in this process.
We limit the exposure the kids have to to them to slim to none already. They have not and will never watch them alone again, and they are not allowed to be alone with me or them (my DH's boundary, because of the anxiety they cause me, I have severe physical consequences, shaking, vomiting, diarrhea for days, unable to eat etc. if I am in a situation alone with them. He has also said that if and when we get pregnant he will probably handle anything that has to do with them so that I can be as stress free as possible.
This whole situation has really opened my eyes to what a strong man my Husband is, I mean I knew he was my rock to begin with but he really has stepped up and been there for me, through the craziness of it all, from finding me curled up on our bedroom floor in the fetal position and getting down there with me and just holding me until I stopped shaking to helping me through my first therapy session, and helping with my reflexology therapy to deal with the stress and anxiety in a way that did not require meds.
I really appreciate all of the responses, getting a broader worldview of things always helps me to get out of my head and take a step back and take a more analytical approach to things as opposed to an emotional one.