I have a mother problem - long

Sigir

You all know my issue that I had last friday, that worked out. Well, my mom came with me to the event (dh did not come because the baby had just fallen asleep so someone had to stay w her.  And I thought this was better bc exh hates dh).  Anyway, I was really anxious about what was going to happen, so I was not chit-chatting to anyone.  I was not nasty or rude at all, I was just quiet.  My mom knew what was going on.  

After the event they had refreshments (of course!  anything to drag this nightmare event out).  During that time, my mom was chatting away with exh happily.  She always does this... it's like she forgets all the pain and problems exh causes me, and she forgets the fact that exh accused my mom and dad of molesting dc!!!!  I mean, would you talk to someone who accused you of that, EVER????  Anyway, it bothers me that my mom chit chats with exh happily at every event, but I don't say anything because she can do whatever she wants.  Exh loves it, because it makes me look like the mean one... I did not talk to him at the event at all.  I was not rude at all, but I did not talk to him, and I think that is ok.  I don't feel that I have to talk to him or make nice, given what is going on.

Well, the next day my mom came over to help me get ready for lo's party, and I started to say "I am in a much better mood today!"  So my mom interrupts me  and says "Yes, I was telling your father that <ex name> was so much nicer than you at the event..." at that point I told her to be quiet because my dc was there.  I was so livid, for multiple reasons:

1.  She said that in front of my dc, who was now thinking "oh, grandma thinks my dad is nicer than my mom.  Come to think of it, mom was very quiet at the event... I guess dad is nicer, she is right"  or at least that is what I am thinking she is thinking!  and I don't see any way to repair this- now that she heard it the damage is done.

2. She would actually tell my father that my horrid exh was being nicer than me.... did she not forget all he has done to me, and what was going on at that event?  Did she not realize that he was being so fake to her, to make himself look better?  Is she that clueless after all these years?  That she still sees him as having the ability to be 'nice'?

3.  And I got mad again that she still, to this day, talks to him happily at every event.

So she left to take lo for a walk to get her to nap, and I went with her, and I had a very frank discussion about these three items with her.  Very nice, but very frank about my feelings.  She got very upset (she always does, she is a people pleaser), and said she only talks to him because she is trying to make things nice for dc, and that she gets nervous around him and when she is nervous she talks.  I said, I don't think it harms dc if we stand separate from him, and I would prefer if they don't talk to him unless things improve dramatically.  She she will try to remember not to talk to him in the future.

What do you all think... did I over-react?  Do you think that it harms dc if I stand separate from exh and don't speak to him?  There is so much going on right now, I can't talk to him and I don't think that it is bad if I don't... but I was curious what BF thinks.  I know in 3 months my mom will forget and talk happily with him again.  She is just totally ditzy and thoughtless like that.  It makes my dh so mad though, because he thinks that I should come first for my mom.  I know I don't come first to my mom, so I am more ok with it than he is.  But if I was the mom, and exh had done so much to my child AND accused me of being a molester, there is no way in h*ll I would ever talk to that man.   

MrsHetzel

I have no idea what your ex has done but parts of your story are similar to my situation. DH's exgirlfriend has accused DH and his parents of horrible things, including molesting their other granddaughter which I truly don't understand how people casually throw those accusations around?!? But anyway, when I see ILs being nice to BM I sometimes think how can you forget what she's done?? But then I remind myself that it's for SD's sake and that it's just easier to get along for the sake of getting along. No ones forgotten what these people have done, or still do, but if we spent every minute hating them and letting them know we hate them, it would sap all our energy. Energy that's better used for more productive things in life.

As for you overreacting? I think if you told your mom how you feel without attacking her, then you're not overreacting. You're just telling her how you feel. And as for not sitting/standing near your ex? That's definitely normal. We do not go near BM at SD's events if we can avoid it.

Hope things get easier for you in the future.

fellesferie

I think that it's reasonable that she would want to make nice with your XH. My parents do similar things, and it's purely a strategic thing. If something were to happen to me, they do not want to be cut out.

What I think is less okay is telling you that XH was so much nicer than you--especially when she knows why you were so tense. Hearing that from my mom would irritate me.

If you can be basically polite and civil I don't think it harms a child for their parents to be separated at an event.

Sorry you're dealing with this! 

hopanka

I do agree that it was out of line for your mom to say that and especially in front of your child. Your mom knows the history and the situation, so she should be more thoughtful, no doubt.

However, I wonder if your anxiety gets the best of you sometimes and makes an annoying situation at worst into a complete nightmare for you. I wonder, if your perception of the things your ex does is way worse because you are so anxious around him and he still has such negative influence on you. For example, you said you were quiet the entire time. You may find it as not rude, you were just nervous, but for people who are not in your head, you may look pissed or standoffish, if you don't utter a single word the entire event. And also - all the email that you are always so worried about - honestly, if my ex was sending me rude and un-true emails, I would laugh at it, find him pathetic and be done with it after about a few minutes of being irritated. You seem really bent out of shape over all these things that concern him. Let it go. 

If you manage to do that, it won't honestly bother you to say "hello - how you doing" to him at an event, even stand next to him or in his vicinity. And yes, it's better for your DC, if there is peace, rather than tension you can cut through with a knife between her parents - especially at happy events for her. So, maybe you should eventually try to get to that place. Your kid will know, believe me, if her parents are standing on opposite sides of the audience, not uttering a word to each other ever, her mother is a basket case not saying a single word the whole time - because DC's father makes her anxious. It will damper the child's experience.

I know it's hard because he is an azzhole, but it will be better for you, if you learn to just let it go and not let him phase you.   

Sigir

hopanka:

However, I wonder if your anxietynbsp;gets the best of you sometimes and makes an annoying situation at worst into a complete nightmare for you. I wonder, if your perception ofnbsp;the things your ex does is way worse because you are so anxious around him and henbsp;still has such negative influence on you. For example, younbsp;said you were quiet the entire time. Younbsp;may find it as notnbsp;rude, you were just nervous, but for peoplenbsp;who are not in your head, younbsp;may look pissednbsp;or standoffish, if you don't utter a single word the entire event.nbsp;And also all the email that you arenbsp;always so worried about honestly, ifnbsp;my ex was sending me rude and untrue emails, I would laughnbsp;at it, find him pathetic and be done with it after aboutnbsp;a few minutes of being irritated. You seem really bent out of shape overnbsp;all these things that concern him. Let it go.nbsp

I def agree that, when I am pregnant and there is a confrontation imminent, I let anxiety get the best of me. When I am not pregnant and hormonal I do laugh it off thankfully. I only struggle w it when I am pregnant. Even then, if I don't think that I am about to have to confront my exh in front of my dc and then go to the police, which is what I thought fri when I was silent, I always smile and say hello, how are you. So I am not always silent and tense, it was just this time. I don't get involved in long happy chit chat though, unless forced to and then I fake it. for example I had to stand w him for an extended period of time recently and I faked it.

I could def work on this more... I just can't wait to deliver this baby so I will feel stronger and more normal again! I laugh at all of this normally.

Nineoceans

I don't think you over reacted. I think you are right. I don't think you should reward horrible behavior to save face in public. If your mom is nervous she can talk to you. That's how I would leave it. My parents are not like this but my IL's are. Their relationship with Bm has destroyed their relationship with Dh. Major loss on their part. Sad. I think you were right to speak up and I hope you feel better.

Alohalove

No, I don't think you overreacted.  He accused them of molestation?  How can she talk to him?  I would be furious.  

  

CFjo2010

MIL used to be really friendly with BM.  It never really bothered me or DH until BM started making all these horrible accusations against my children.  Once BM filed a bogus DVRO and tried to take K from DH, MIL stopped the friendly behavior.  Now she simply says, "hello" and leaves it at that.  

I think it's completely appropriate for your mother to be cordial when around BD.  There's nothing wrong with a simple, "Hi how are you".  But if more than that makes you uncomfortable, your mother should really respect that.  Her comment about BD being nicer than you was completely out of line.  Sometimes the best thing people can do in a hostile situation is just completely avoid each other.