Guilty Feelings About New Baby

ThomsenBalsiger

It was just my daughter, almost 11, and I until I met my now husband. She and I are extremely close, even as compared to other moms and daughters.

My husband and I are pregnant with our first biological child together. We are both very excited and just found out a couple weeks ago that we are having another little girl. I feel terrible, because I am really sad that it's a girl. I have fears that the two will be compared, that my 11-y-o won't get the same attention she does now from everyone because this baby is with the dad that everyone loves so much. I had in my head that a boy wouldn't cause these same issues because of the different sex.

I realize that this is irrational, but I just want to protect my daughter from any sadness or odd feelings of comparison. Obviously, I can't say anything to anyone, because nothing about this message would be anything but hurtful to my husband, his family, etc.

 I want be over-the-moon excited for the birth of my newest family member, but struggle with protecting my current "baby" as well. I'm sure the two will be fantastic sisters for each other and I can't wait for that. The overwhelming guilt and worry and killing me, though...  

Littlejen22

When your head tells you the sex and it is wrong it is totally normal to "morn" the loss and to have anxiety. As for comparisons, people might compare the baby to your DD but not so much the other way around. People might make insensitive comments because of the blended family situation but those would come regardless of the sex. Even if this baby had the same father it would be normal to worry about how it will affect your first. Have you read this? https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/loving-two-children#.UbVZVJbD85s Just be sensitive to your oldest which I am sure you will be based on this post and things will be ok.

Sigir

I could have written your post a year ago! Except my dc was younger. My dc only knew it as being me and her for 3 plus yrs. we were super close. then I got married when she was 7 and got pregnant right away. She was thrilled and esp thrilled when she found out it was a girl but I was nervous like you.

It helps that I have incredible inlaws that embrace older dd like their own, but things have been fine. One reality is that you will have less time w your older dd. that is just a fact you have to recognize and get to be ok with. I was really hard on myself for a long time and wore myself out trying to keep things like they were for dd after the baby came. Finally I let it go and am at peace with the fact that things are different now, but different is good and everyone is happy.

I think that since you are aware of this before the baby comes, things will be ok. I miss some of the things my older dd and I used to do together, and we still do them just not as often. And she loves her sister so much. It all worked out great and I am sure it will for you as well.

MrsHetzel

I'm sorry to hear you feel overwhelming guilt. That's the last thing a mama should be feeling at this exciting time! This is my first LO and he is a boy, I also have a 10 y.o SD and I understand your line of thinking. I was secretly relieved he's a boy bc I'm hoping to avoid jealousy and resentment issues between the two kids. I think DH is happy it's a boy too for this reason and bc it's his first son! My words of advice to you are: you can only control you. Don't worry about people comparing DD to your new LO, inevitably someone will. Don't worry about DD being treated differently from LO by DH's family, inevitably it might happen. At the end of the day, only you can control only you. Maybe you have to "overcompensate" for things with either of the kids sometimes, but as parents I think we sometimes like to make up for what the world can do to our kids no matter what their position is. I know I've found myself overcompensating for my SD sometimes, my family is very welcoming to her but its the first grandkid on my families side and she's a "step" grandkid so sometimes my family doesn't know what's a safe line with her. Things will be different with LO because he's the first biological grandchild so I'm sure i'll have other moments of overcompensating on my SD's behalf, but I don't let it bother me. I just remind myself I can only control me, and I will do my best by both my kids!

Alohalove

My SD was 11 when my daughter was born.  There were some feelings of jealously.  She had been her dad's baby girl for so long and then here's an actual baby girl that everyone is going nuts over.  In spite of those feelings she is such a great big sister! She adores her baby sister and is so good with my daughter.  I'm sure your daughter will adore and love her baby sister too.  : )