Stressed out...

Khaleesi07

I'm definitely stressing out, but trying to keep it to a minimum, as I know it's not good for the baby. I apologize in advance, as this is going to be a long post.

My 18-year old sister has been on a  downward spiral for the past two years, ever since she started dating her loser boyfriend. He's 19, no job, no license, no car, just takes a few classes at the local community college. Now I'm not judging going to a community college, I went there too before I transferred to a 4 year school, but at least I was working, saving money, supporting myself, and taking steps towards becoming an adult. This kid just lives off of his mother, who only makes $12 an hour and lives in a tiny apartment in the ghetto. Doesn't bother to get a job to help his mom out, and on occassion when his dad sends him money he spends it on video games or extravagent presents for my sister.

My other two sisters and I disliked him from the beginning. We saw ALL the warning signs, he was obsessed with her, controlling, and tried to turn her against my friends and one of my other sisters. He told all sorts of unbelievable made up stories and lies. My parents basically hand-waived our suspicions and warnings about her boyfriend. I live two hours away from my family, and they had planned a visit to come see my new apartment, and do some touristy things together since I live in a large city. My mom actually INVITED this boyfriend to my home without even telling me or asking me if it was ok. I wouldn't have known about it if my older sister hadn't told me, and by then it was already too late. My mom and I got into an argument over it...I told her it was rude of her and Ashley (little sister) to invite a non-family member to my house without my permission. I didn't even invite my own boyfriend because I wanted strictly family time. My mom got upset saying that I didn't want him there because I didn't like him "for no reason" and that this boy was "part of the family". I informed her that this stranger is hardly 'family" to me, and I don't consider him as such, and regardless, I don't need to give a reason it's MY APARTMENT and it's rude to just bring people over without asking.

Well over the course of the year the loser boyfriend has been mooching off my family, eating food and dinners there at least 4-5 times a week, going on family trips, family gatherings ect. I was really close to Ashley and didn't express my dislike for the boyfriend just yet, because I figured they're teenagers, the relationship will fizzle out eventually. That changed when he started making rude comments to my parents and trashing them on social media. He told my mom to her face that a number of things she owned were "cheap" or looked "cheap" and made a huge stink on facebook that my dad's rules were " F***ing stupid". My parents started to change their tune once he started making rude comments about THEM.

My sister was once an AP/honors student with a 3.9 GPA, and her grades were started to slip dramatically. Once my mom found out that her boyfriend's mom not only allowed him to have alcohol at his birthday party, but actually purcahsed and provided it to high school students in her home, my parents decided not to allow my sister to go over his house. My other sisters who also live at home with my family had long been expressing concern that the boyfriend coming over nearly every day was an incoveience to them and their privacy, my parents finally decided to limit his visits to only 2-3 times a week from 3-7pm. Fair enough, I think.

Well Ashley pretty much threw a fit at these new rules, and started acting like a royal brat to everyone in the family--especially our mom. She wrote a cruel poem about how she hated my mom, would barely have a conversation with her, and was constantly make snide remarks to her. My other sisters and myself couldn't have a conversation with her without her turning into a bashfest about our mom or someone else in our family. She has always had a bit of a catty/snarky streak, but she just totally devolved into a self entitled, horribly negative, snotty brat. 

When my parents tried to control her behavior, she claimed she was 'depressed' and was going to kill herself...she was basically using a fake depression to gain some sort of leverage over my parents. She fan away twice last fall, and my parents forced her to come home, since she was still 17 at the time. The second time her boyfriend actually had the nerve to call the cops on my parents!! The cops basically laughed in his face and told him to stay out of our family's business. When she ran away the first two times she kept threatening to hurt herself. I kept telling my parents they either need to send her to an in-patient facility if she is truly a danger to herself, or call her bluff, and take proper action. Meaning she gets no extra luxuries at home (no cell, lap top, no boyfriend allowed at the house, ect.) until she has earned their trust and respect back. WELL. after the first time, they actually let the boyfriend come over to appease her, but all they did the second time was take away her cell phone for two weeks, made an appointment with the shrink my mom was seeing, and finally banned the boyfriend from the house.

My sisters and I kept telling them that wasn't really going to do much. She hadn't apologized to any of us for her crappy behavior, and just gave some lame fake apology to my mom, but my parents still had their heads buried in the sand.

She finally ran away for the last time this past March on her 18th birthday, and has dropped out of high school, and will not be graduating next month. In the past 3 months she has had ZERO contact with any one in our family, not even cousins or extended family, blocked everyone from every form of social media, ect.

My other sisters and I are rightfully pissed off at her, and a little bit at our parents too. They never once heeded our warnings or took our advice, but had no problems bitching to us or crying on our shoulders about the situation. We were raised so strictly, and would be on lockdown just for missing a school bus, but my little sister basically had a free reign of terror to do what ever she wanted. I told my parents when she first started dating this kid, she NEEDS to have the "sex talk" and "relationship talk". She was only 16 when she first started dating this guy, and it's so easy for a 16 year old to get wrapped up in a relationship, make poor decisions, ect. My parents were all "oh no, she's a smart kid, she knows what she's doing." UM, yeah she sure proved you right!!

I'm just stressed, not only because I've lost my sister (I'm 10 years older, but we were really close) and she's not going to be there during my pregnancy, baby shower, to see my daughter when she's born, ect. but because the whole situation makes me question how much I want to let my parents into my child's life. I would never ban my parents from seeing their grandchild, but based on how much they spoiled my younger sister, and how much they've ignored my wishes in the past, I can easily see them disregarding my wishes as a parent when it comes to how I want to raise my daughter and certain rules I expect them to adhere to if she's in their care by herself for whatever reason.

I guess I will have to just see how things unfold, but as of right now, I'm not sure I want my kid left alone in my parents care unless my SO and I had no other choice. My parents are well meaning, but I'm so worried that my daughter will grow up to resent me like my sister does my mother.

My sisters and have I said that we do not want a relationship with our younger sister if she does ever come back. She's a toxic manipulative person, and we just don't have room in our lives for her drama. We gave her several chances, and she chose an unwashed miscreant over us every single time. My parents were horrified and said "but that's your sister!!" So what? Someone should tell HER that. She's the one who put us in the position not to trust her. Besides, how can you 'forgive' someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness and clearly has no intention to. I live in Boston, and she never once bothered to see if I was ok during the terrorst attacks. She obviously had no regard for her pregnant sister's life, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that, even if I can manage to scrounge together some forgiveness down the road.

I just don't want her drama to affect my child, and it already is, because it's clearly still affecting me. I just don't know what to do anymore If anyone has any advice, I would definitely be greateful for it. Sorry for the crazy long post!

2bulldogmom

I can understand how upset you are by what has become of your sister. As much as it hurts to do it, I think a little "tough love" and firm boundaries are needed at this time.  Your sister is still very young and immature.  I agree that her boyfriend is clearly toxic to her right now.  She is surrounding herself with bad influences, from the boyfriend, to his mother, and to the other kids that she is partying with. 

Unfortunately, now that she is legally an adult, I think all you can do is hope and pray that somehow she will somehow pull through this.  Hopefully they will eventually break-up for whatever reason.  She seemed to know right from wrong and have good morals and values before, so hopefully once she gets all of this irresponsible behavior out of her system and begins to truly get an idea of the big picture in life and a sense of who she is becoming, she will realize that this is not where she wants to be or who she wants to be.  You can only hope that she will eventually decide to "put on her big girl pants" and become the kind of person that her parents strived to raise her to be (which obviously your parents must have done something right, because you yourself seem to have good morals, values, and are a responsible person).

It hurts, but I really don't think there is anything you can do at this point about it.  Just focus on your own family and realize that your sister's problems are her own.  Maybe it would help for you to see a therapist about this. 

As for your parents, I can only imagine that they really tried to do what they thought was right with your sister.  This kind of situation is really difficult for parents.  While I agree with your advice to them, some things are easier said than done.  Maybe they were so scared of driving her away, which inevitably happened anyway.  If I were you, I would allow them to have a relationship with you and your baby.  Don't think too far ahead about how they may influence your child.  Trust me, you will be fully aware of any bad influences that your parents may be having on child, and you can deal with it at that time, IF it ever happens.

When and if your sister ever does start to come around to the family, she will need to earn back her trust.  You will need to have clear boundaries that must not be crossed by her. 

Good luck!

Khaleesi07

dani_brewer:

All families have issues, some more extreme than others. I could tell you about the craziness that has happened in my life, but I'm going to skip all that and just tell you straight up that I think you are overreacting in regard to your child being left alone with your parents. Are your parents abusive? Negligent? Drug addicts? No, they made a mistake in thinking that your sister would make smart decisions. Parents can sometimes have blinders on when it comes to their kids. Now if they watch your daughter and completely go against your wishes when it comes to her, then yes by all means tell them they can't babysit or whatever. But they didn't listen to you when you were telling them how they were raising THEIR daughter, sorry but you can't hold that against them. Would you appreciate someone telling you that you were spoiling your child and you needed to do XY and Z instead of what you were doing? No, you would get defensive and tell them to mind their own business...

I've been let down and hurt by my family members over the years... but I've always forgiven them, because they are my family and they are important to me. But maybe that's just me... But she's still young and stupid, I wouldn't hold that against her for the rest of her life. If she comes back, it'll be because she has grown up and realized what a stupid mistake she made, and will need all the love and support she can get to get her life back on track.

The whole situation sucks, and I would definitely be stressed too.... but I personally think you are being too hard on everyone... just my opinion. 

Thanks for the advice.

I get what you're saying, but I'm not implying that my parents are unfit to baby-sit my child, just that I'm not sure I can rely on them to adhere to my wishes as a parent. I gave them advice on their child only because they asked for it from myself and my other sisters about the situation. My sister disclosed a lot of personal information to us that my parents didn't know, so I don't fault them for coming to us, but after a while, it got to the point where their decisions and lack of action were affecting my other sisters, so of course I'm going to have an opinion, especially since they asked for it. I just don't see the point in asking us for advice if they continually refused to consider it. Anyhow, the main reason I'm concerned about them not adhering to my wishes as a parent has more to do with the fact that they clearly didn't respect my wishes about who I choose to let into my own home, and still think they didn't do anything wrong by sneakily bringing someone to my house that they know I didn't like/want there. If I don't want my daughter doing something/having access to something specfic how do I know they won't ignore my wishes because they think I'm "being stubborn and silly".

I'm just going to have to see how things unfold I guess. My boyfriend and I will likely default to my boyfriend's family for baby-sitting, but if my parents want to babysit for whatever reason, I'm fine with them as a second or third choice as long as they don't do anything that's against my wishes or rules as a parent. I know that when she's older they're going to want her to stay with them for a week or a few days during school breaks, ect. I will have to cross that bridge when I get there, I guess.

michelleonthecoast

I'm sorry to hear about your sister and I hope she comes to her senses at some point! 

The nice thing about the situation with your child and being afraid your parents won't abide by your wishes...it's YOUR child this time.  If at any point you feel like they aren't following your rules, you can stop letting them babysit.  You have a lot more control over your own child than your sister.  No parent is perfect.  They made some mistakes with your sister, but that doesn't mean they will make those mistakes with your child.  And you will likely be the baby's main influence anyway b/c you are the parent.

To an extent most grandparents want to spoil their grandkids.  People who babysit your child, whether family or not, will not do everything exactly like you do.