Difficult mother in law.......(vent)

bride711

Hi Everyone, 

So tuesday mornings is my morning to go into work for only a couple of ours. We have an DD that is just a year and a DS that is 3. I was able to bring DD with me to work when the preschool year was ongoing but now that its finished my MIL is going to babysit them on the tuesday mornings for the couple of hours that it is throughout the summer.

Any how, last tuesday, when I came home DS was telling me that "grandma" gave him donuts when mommy was out. I was a little shocked but DH and I are ok with everything in moderation. We eat very healthy but of course don't want our kids not having the exposure to sweets only making them want it more. ( We have treats in moderation & for "special" times) And it's fine for a grandmother to bring a treat every once in awhile is my thinking. That's what they do, right?

Well yesterday, she came in the door and had a bag of stuff. DS asked "grandma whats in your bag". She replied with baby puff & magazines. He then asked " is there anything else" She said, no.  And then put the bag down. As I was leaving, the bag was next to my pocketbook. I saw it was open and peeked in and saw the bag of donuts. I didn't want to jump to conclusions. So I was leaving I said that I left the kids snacks on the counter and that I would be back in 2 hours. She said ok. 

 When I came home after work and she left. DS was sitting at the table and told me that he had "5 donuts (munchkins) and started counting outloud to 5. He said they counted them together. He then said that "grandma told me mommy said I could eat them all now"). She never told me when I came in that she gave him donuts. Last night, as I was cleaning up dinner, I saw the Dunkins bag shoved towards the bottom of the bag. 

DH and I are both on the same page as in its fine for "grandma" to bring treats every now and then. But, what we dont like is the sneakiness of things in our house. And the not asking us.

What is the best way to approach this? I also want to tread cautiously as in the past when DH and I have approached her on not letting the kids play with glass figurines ( and she ignores us continually) that the situation always gets turned around and she goes to my FIL and cries to which he then wants "a sit down" to resolve things.

Also, she is a nanny and has told us before that the mother of the children does not allow the kids to eat sweets at all. My MIL being the nanny will take them to the store and let them get oreos and eat them and say don't tell your mother:( 

Not happy about this. It's not about the sweets really. It's more about not be honest and checking in with us as parents.

Thoughts?  

stronger509

Sounds a lot like my MIL.  If this is true, you will have to be direct with her.  Just say at drop off there needs to be a limit to the sweets and treats that she is feeding them. You would do that for anyone else watching your children, right?  She probably doesn't feel the need to check with you since she is a BTDT mom! Also, if honesty is what you are looking for from her- be honest with her about the way you are feeling. Make it known that "we don't keep secrets in our house"!

I don't really like the fact that she's telling the children she is watching not to tell their parents things either.  No bueno. If she brings that up again I would voice my opinion!! 

FWIW, we have taken the direct approach with MIL and she listens well, for a few weeks, and the behavior starts again. Granted, my MIL does not watch DD, she's probably just indulging as she feels grandma's should.  (Difference here though is I am aware of "most" indulgences).  I used to get really upset about it, but for my sanity I have let some things go.

Good luck!!

sugarbear0524

You need to talk to her. Explain that you're trying to reinforce good habits. Tell her that if she wants to give your kids a treat now and then, it's ok. But don't be sneaky and keep it to a minimum. 

My MIL does the whole "caught with her hand in the cookie jar" routine. She always sneaks DS treats that we don't let him have. When we find out she always says something like, "Oops! I got caught!" It's annoying.  Also, she lives down the street so it's not not like these treats are a once in a while thing. I try to pick my battles.  I've also talked to her before about how many people in my family have struggled with weight (she's had gastric bypass herself) and that I don't want DS to go through that. 

EDWHIP

How badly do you need her help?  For me, the help my mother gives us outweighs how many donuts she gives our LO.  In your situation, I might look elsewhere.  We've been down this road before with my mother and it doesn't work.  Weigh your options.  If MIL gives you resistance, you might have to find someone else.

TiffanyBerry

I'd be kinda annoyed about the doughnuts.

I would be PISSED that she lied to me repeatedly.  PISSED BEYOND BELIEF.

If you set (reasonable) boundaries, she must respect them.  If she doesn't respect them over doughnuts, then how can you trust her to respect boundaries over anything else?  Seriously, if she's going to lie to you about doughnuts, she's going to do it about something else.

Not only that, but I very strongly believe that role modeling is the most important way to teach your kids about truth, honesty, and trustworthiness.  Right now, she's teaching them to lie.  Both directly, if she's telling them not to tell you, and indirectly in modeling her behavior.  And, more importantly, she's teaching them that lying doesn't have negative consequences because she is getting away with it.

Whether you need to restrict access or not, I don't know.  It depends on whether or not you can have a productive conversation with her about honesty and setting a good example for your kids.  If you feel you can trust her to honor your values, then great!  And values are more important than a doughnut here and there (and I'm pretty far out on the "crazy food police" spectrum ). 

JMU_Bride09

TiffanyBerry:

I'd be kinda annoyed about the doughnuts.I would be PISSED that she lied to me repeatedly. nbsp;PISSED BEYOND BELIEF.If you set reasonable boundaries, she must respect them. nbsp;If she doesn't respect them over doughnuts, then how can you trust her to respect boundaries over anything else? nbsp;Seriously, if she's going to lie to you about doughnuts, she's going to do it about something else.Not only that, but I very strongly believe that role modeling is the most important way to teach your kids about truth, honesty, and trustworthiness. nbsp;Right now, she's teaching them to lie. nbsp;Both directly, if she's telling them not to tell you, and indirectly in modeling her behavior. nbsp;And, more importantly, she's teaching them that lying doesn't have negative consequences because she is getting away with it.Whether you need to restrict access or not, I don't know. nbsp;It depends on whether or not you can have a productive conversation with her about honesty and setting a good example for your kids. nbsp;If you feel you can trust her to honor your values, then great! nbsp;And values are more important than a doughnut here and there and I'm pretty far out on the "crazy food police" spectrum .nbsp;

This!!!

twirlyjack73

Worst of all is that she is teaching them to lie to their own mother.  I know b/c we have the same MIL.  My therapist said she doesn't have to "respect" how I feel about sweets but she does have to "accept" how I parent.  Maybe that's just mincing words but it did make me feel better coming from a professional.  It's totally unacceptable to the point where now we are going to have supervised visits.  The next time she asks to have my DS alone I'm going to tell her honestly why not.  The reason is that she has continued to disrespect how we parent & we can no longer trust her.  Oh & she'll also cry & play the martyr to anyone who will listen.  Lastly, we decided a year ago to go for broke & only use her to babysit for an emergency.  I don't care how much we are losing in savings to our babysitter, it's worth my sanity & our marriage.  But remember she's teaching your kid a terrible terrible thing to lie to their mommy.  She lied about the donuts right in front of him.  Furthermore if he ever gets molested or something other awful life event he's already learning how to lie & keept  it a secret.  With family like that who needs them.  Yes it's sad to have to distance yourself but it's still the right thing to do.

shaw

We have a smal toddler who really needs to eat and gain weight.  We've always struggled.  My MIl used to shove cookies in LOs mouth before dinner.  Then he wouldn't eat dinner?!  I decided to approach it as ....I don't care if he eats your cookies, just not before a meal.  After a meal if fine.  I think being upfront and also realizing that grandparents gives sweets and treats.  If sheis halting you out I think allowing her to provide treats is important just stress that they should come after a healthy meal.