Overbearing grandparents

MrsARosenberg

I was looking for some advice or helpful hints on dealing with setting boundaries with grandparents and great grandparents.  Long story short, my husband and I live with my paternal grandparents, mainly because I'm going to grad school and my husband and I are currently getting prepared to buy a house in the next year. 

My grandma is super nosy about everything my husband and I do and I'm afraid that is going to carry over when this little boy is born.  We've tried talking about boundaries with her and we get two different responses: 1) She feels like boundaries don't need to be set and that she has a right to impose on us or 2) She SAYS that she'll behave but actions and words are two very different things and she is notorious for saying she'll do a certain thing and then doing something completely different.  So my husband and I have basically come to the conclusion that those first couple weeks are going to be critical for us to establish boundaries and the fact that our threesome family needs our own space and privacy.  

 My second concern is her spoiling my son.  She is constantly buying him things, which my husband and I are appreciative of but it is unnecessary and also it is unfair to my cousins that don't get the same gratuity.  A couple of weeks ago she was trying to buy him toys that weren't age appropriate (3+ years old for a baby that hasn't been born yet!), I said that he didn't need that and that it wasn't age appropriate and she told me "I am his great grandma and if I want to buy him something I will buy him something and you can't stop me!"  What do you even say to that?! I told her "Whatever, buy him whatever you want!" Looking forward to a couple years I don't want her to spoil him because my husband and I want to instill good morals in our children and raise them to be not spoiled rotten.  I feel like saying that makes me a b***** because I want to deliberately deny my son toys and material goods but I don't want him growing up with everything handed to him that he wants instead of waiting until birthdays/Christmas or working for it.  

 I'm sorry if this is super long, I'm just having a hard time finding tips on how to deal with this, so any tips or experiences would be greatly appreciated! 

SplashingFishy

On the one hand, the fact that you live with them will make it harder to enforce and set boundaries. I'm not sure what your situation is - if you're paying rent or staying for free.

I think the best thing to do is agree with her - she CAN buy your son anything she wants. However, you CAN decide whether or when he gets to play with it. My mom ignored our statement that we wanted to avoid a lot of battery operated toys while DS was little. She went ahead and bought him something for a birthday or Christmas. We thanked her for it, and decided that we would keep it, but it's a toy that lives in the closet and only comes out for time to time. My mom caught on to that...if she wants DS to play with a toy she gets, then she has take our wishes into account.

It only breaks down when it comes to whether or not you'll be leaving DS with her to babysit on occasion. If so, then you have an uphill battle. Hopefully you'll get a house soon and won't have the same worry. 

PrimRoseMama

So I'm confused. Are you living with your Grandmother rent free? If so then you definitely have some boundaries, but I would say that her being interested in what you do under her roof is her business. She's allowing you to stay there. If you don't want her in your business then be a big girl and move your family out.

Also, spoiling your son is kind of expected. I wouldn't say that's a crime really. At least in my opinion.

I'm all about setting boundaries but you can't take advantage of your Grabdmother and then in the same breath complain about her. To me that sounds ungrateful.

MrsARosenberg

Apparently you are the only one confused, everyone else seems to understand my position.  My husband and I live with my grandparents, rent free because my husband is currently the only one working because I am going to grad school and we are paying off debts and saving for a house.  They have seen me struggle financially through my undergrad education with grants and loans and they cannot afford to help me with graduate school but they offered to let us live with them for the two years it will take to complete my program- which for me is required for my profession. 

Sorry but it is really none of her business what I'm doing at all hours, my husband and I aren't doing drugs or anything illegal or immoral in her house.  I think it is none of her business if I am in my room taking a nap (especially at 35 weeks pregnant), and I find it extremely annoying to be woken up just because she wants to know what I'm doing.  It is also none of her business to go through our personal finances, our mail, my purse, etc.  

As far as "taking advantage of my grandparents", that is the farthest from the truth.  Since, her and my grandfather work full time, I do the majority of the cooking in the house, except occasionally on weekends.  I do all of the cleaning and housework, we contribute groceries, we pay her internet bill and also help wherever we can.  

I never said spoiling was a "crime", I said that my husband and I don't want spoiled children.  We don't want children that want for nothing and that get everything in life for nothing.  If you want spoiled rotten children that are ungrateful for their belongings, that's your opinion but I'd prefer children that know the worth of belongings.  My husband and I have worked very hard to get where we are in life, we have sacrificed more than we'd like to admit and we want to raise children that are grateful for things that are given to them.  

Please keep your hateful comments to yourself.

queenbone

MrsARosenberg:

Apparently you are the only one confused, everyone else seems to understand my position.  My husband and I live with my grandparents, rent free because my husband is currently the only one working because I am going to grad school and we are paying off debts and saving for a house.  They have seen me struggle financially through my undergrad education with grants and loans and they cannot afford to help me with graduate school but they offered to let us live with them for the two years it will take to complete my program- which for me is required for my profession. 

Sorry but it is really none of her business what I'm doing at all hours, my husband and I aren't doing drugs or anything illegal or immoral in her house.  I think it is none of her business if I am in my room taking a nap (especially at 35 weeks pregnant), and I find it extremely annoying to be woken up just because she wants to know what I'm doing.  It is also none of her business to go through our personal finances, our mail, my purse, etc.  

As far as "taking advantage of my grandparents", that is the farthest from the truth.  Since, her and my grandfather work full time, I do the majority of the cooking in the house, except occasionally on weekends.  I do all of the cleaning and housework, we contribute groceries, we pay her internet bill and also help wherever we can.  

I never said spoiling was a "crime", I said that my husband and I don't want spoiled children.  We don't want children that want for nothing and that get everything in life for nothing.  If you want spoiled rotten children that are ungrateful for their belongings, that's your opinion but I'd prefer children that know the worth of belongings.  My husband and I have worked very hard to get where we are in life, we have sacrificed more than we'd like to admit and we want to raise children that are grateful for things that are given to them.  

Please keep your hateful comments to yourself.

  Is this MUD? These are your first two posts ever, no intro, and you're coming out the gate awfully defensive.

santoriello21

She may be overbearing but she is doing a lot for you. She is giving you a place to live and giving stuff for your baby. It is important to be appreciative of her kindness even though it may get annoying or over the top. I dont think its possible to set boundaries when you live with another person. grandparents are pushy and do best with time and space. You are in a tough situation where you won't be able to though.

Erinm278

I'm sorry to sound blunt, but if you want your privacy and your own space then you need to move out.

You can't control what people buy for your kid, but you can regulate when your child uses those items.

I agree it can be a struggle to set boundaries with family, but I think moving out is your first step.

liz&chris1017

Let them spoil your baby. That is what grandparents do. You are the parent. It is your job to instill morals but that doesn't mean that you should be aloud to deny them the right to buy cute stuff for baby. They had to be parents already and now they just want to have fun loving on your baby.

Once you move out of their house this won't be an issue.

giraffeluvspi

PrimRoseMama:

So I'm confused. Are you living with your Grandmother rent free? If so then you definitely have some boundaries, but I would say that her being interested in what you do under her roof is her business. She's allowing you to stay there. If you don't want her in your business then be a big girl and move your family out. Also, spoiling your son is kind of expected. I wouldn't say that's a crime really. At least in my opinion. I'm all about setting boundaries but you can't take advantage of your Grabdmother and then in the same breath complain about her. To me that sounds ungrateful.

These were my first thoughts exactly. If you want her out of your business you need to move out. Hopefully that will happen for you soon.

I also saw something about her snooping through your finances. I'm sorry, but if I offered to allow someone with me rent free to help with their finances I'd be all over that making sure my charity was actually helping them.

Final note (and you're really not going to like to hear this): you should be grateful she is so supportive of your child. I'd be ticked if I let someone live with me rent free to help them save up to buy a house then they decided to start a family before they met their financial goals. There's a reason most people follow the education>house>family path, and it usually involves securing long term financial stability for their family and their children. 

Liz4444

MrsARosenberg:

Apparently you are the only one confused, everyone else seems to understand my position.  My husband and I live with my grandparents, rent free because my husband is currently the only one working because I am going to grad school and we are paying off debts and saving for a house.  They have seen me struggle financially through my undergrad education with grants and loans and they cannot afford to help me with graduate school but they offered to let us live with them for the two years it will take to complete my program- which for me is required for my profession. 

Sorry but it is really none of her business what I'm doing at all hours, my husband and I aren't doing drugs or anything illegal or immoral in her house.  I think it is none of her business if I am in my room taking a nap (especially at 35 weeks pregnant), and I find it extremely annoying to be woken up just because she wants to know what I'm doing.  It is also none of her business to go through our personal finances, our mail, my purse, etc.  

As far as "taking advantage of my grandparents", that is the farthest from the truth.  Since, her and my grandfather work full time, I do the majority of the cooking in the house, except occasionally on weekends.  I do all of the cleaning and housework, we contribute groceries, we pay her internet bill and also help wherever we can.  

I never said spoiling was a "crime", I said that my husband and I don't want spoiled children.  We don't want children that want for nothing and that get everything in life for nothing.  If you want spoiled rotten children that are ungrateful for their belongings, that's your opinion but I'd prefer children that know the worth of belongings.  My husband and I have worked very hard to get where we are in life, we have sacrificed more than we'd like to admit and we want to raise children that are grateful for things that are given to them.  

Please keep your hateful comments to yourself.

Working hard to get where you are?  I'm sorry, but it looks like where you are is in a lot of debt, living with people rent free who are working full time in their retirement years to keep a roof over your head.

I agree that she should not be going through your purse, but if you are living with her, she has every right to know what you are doing under her roof.  If you don't want to answer to her, move out.  

As far as a spoiled child, a child acting like a spoiled brat has nothing to do with the amount of items they have, it is how they behave.  Teach a child manners and to appreciate things and it doesn't matter what they have or how much of it.  I was extremely spoiled as a child, I had lots of stuff, but I was never a brat because my parents raised me properly.  There is a huge difference between having things and feeling entitled to them.

Honestly, the fact that you are so concerned with your child being a spoiled brat is a little humorous because in both your posts you sound extremely entitled.