Question: Second Baby Shower?

KatTowers

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting so I hope I am posting in the correct area! Anyhow- so I have an etiquette question.Sorry, this is going to be long!

My husband's sister is having a second child (same gender as ours...and has scheduled her c-section just before our due date). We've already felt like she keeps trying to "steal our thunder" for a lot of things (announced her engagement at the same time we did, got married quickly and in our planned month, etc.). We've written a lot of this off as just bad timing, but now she and her mom (my mil) are planning a second baby shower- which I had thought was a big no-no to begin with, especially as her first child is only 16 months old- she already has all the baby stuff she could use! Yet she has registered for gifts and is expecting people to bring things to this second shower (which of course was also planned to occur before mine...).

I guess my question really boils down to this: I already spent a lot of money on her first child's shower gifts (she insists on only organic everything) and now that I am also expecting, I really don't have the money to buy her something else...again! Am I right in feeling that this is not only tacky, but a bit rude, to be expecting gifts so soon after child #1? I really can't afford to get her anything for this child (I have a lot of student debt and was underemployed, and now am unemployed altogether), but I feel like she and my mil with judge me for not bringing anything to the shower...so I'm wondering if I should go at all...I just feel so awkward and alone on this.

Please help...not sure what to do!  Thanks in advance for any and all advice.

WashingtonQueen

I probably just wouldn't go to the shower at all.

Funny that they would side eye you when she is the one being side eye worthy.

melmcdaniel07

I agree that it seems a bit weird to have a shower for the second but it may have been planned without her input.  I'd say given that it's close family you should definitely go (not going would probably just cause more issues).  I agree with the other post... just bring something small if you can.  A cheap idea could be a  basket full of dollar store stuff that could be a "while your in the hospital" kit.... you could get away with that for like $10-15.  Good Luck

Unknown

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skio

She's having the same sex baby a you?! WUT. That's where I'd draw the line. lol.

Whatever. I am not a fan of second showers except in certain situations and I prefer to decline them if it's not someone I'm close to. Family, I suck it up, buy a small gift and go. I don't care that much to cause drama.

trudibell

I think if you spent a lot of money on the first one you're not obligated to spend on her for the second one.  Infact, for the most part, just because you get invited to ANY shower doesn't mean you're obligated to participate at all (aside from MAYBE an RSVP).

That said, if you want to be...diplomatic...I would see if there is anything you can do to help with the event (set up, take down) ie find a way to give your time and not your money.  Otherwise the hospital survival kit from the dollar store ($10 max) sounds like a splendid idea.  Or you could use the pregnancy card (of course SHE would understand having gone through it twice now) and say you aren't feeling up to going too! 

CaliforniaDream87

Bliss+Berry:

WashingtonQueen:

I probably just wouldn't go to the shower at all.

Funny that they would side eye you when she is the one being side eye worthy.

This.  Your SIL sounds like one gift-grabby beyotch.  I'd skip it and have something else to do that day.   

This.

And LOL at "trying to steal your thunder"....really?

s2becrawford

My sil is throwing me a second shower but were having a boy this go round. I would bring something small ! Good luck 

MrserinJ

I agree that a second shower is pretty inappropriate, especially the registering part. Yuck. That said, when I had my second baby, my mom had passed away 2 years before and my dad remarried. My new step mom wanted to throw me a shower. I felt completely rude turning her down while it was obvious she was tryig to make an effort to bond. I also felt super uncomfortable having a shower. In the end, we had a get together about a month after DS was born and my step mom made sure people knew not to feel obligated to bring gifts. Maybe it's this type of situation?

Also, even though my close friends and family don't have a shower for their second or subsequent children, I usually always get them a gift; nothing big but still, it's just something that it generally done where I live.

If I were in you situation, I would either not go to the shower or go with a small gift. I'd personally feel uncomfortable showing up at the event empty handed. That's just me though.

And one more thing: I highly doubt her sole purpose for planning these major life events was to "steal your thunder". I think you might be reading a bit too much into that one.

KatTowers

Thank you all for the feedback! I was going to go either way...I just needed to be angry for a bit lol. I like the idea of just getting her some diapers and wipes...though it'll have to be something tiny and cheap, my money's just about up for the month...thanks ladies!

PrimRoseMama

Usually I think someone who thinks someone else is "trying to steal their thunder" is overly self-involved. People are allowed to have their own life events close to yours. 

I don't know why you are so worried if she has a second baby shower. Personally, I think its tacky and gift grabby, but its apparently pretty common.  Gifts are always optional. Always. You can get her a card and write a nice, heartfelt note. 

Attend the shower if you feel like it and don't worry what your MIL and SIL will say. If you don't get her something because its not in your budget then that is your business. 

t loves r

IMO the shower is most definitely inappropriate and gift grabby. I'm sorry you're in the situation where you have to attend it AND bring your lovely sis in law a gift. Spend what you want and I wouldn't spend much. Like you said she has what she needs. Maybe get an outfit or package of diapers?

If she has the nerve to question why you didn't spend more, bluntly tell her you have a baby to buy things for and you figured she wouldn't need much since she just had a baby 16 months ago.

The Baby Shower board would have a hay day with this woman.

Lelo2006

It's your sister in law... Which means she will probably be in your life for a long, long time, and that's your future niece or nephew. Be the bigger person and get her a small gift. You can get onsies at Nordstrom rack for 5 dollars. I doubt that would push you into bankruptcy.

Jasmineeelizabeth

skio:

She's having the same sex baby a you?! WUT. That's where I'd draw the line. lol. Whatever. I am not a fan of second showers except in certain situations and I prefer to decline them if it's not someone I'm close to. Family, I suck it up, buy a small gift and go. I don't care that much to cause drama.

This is what I was thinking. How dare she. 

Sam Buttons

While I think second showers are tacky, unless under certain circumstances, this is your SIL. She and your mother in law are obviously going to be a big part of your life for the long haul, so why make a big deal out of this? Just grab a little outfit or something and put a smile on your face.

And why not look on the bright side? Instead of feeling slighted somehow that her baby is the same sex as yours, think about how awesome it will be for your lo to grow up with a cousin so close in age of the same gender.

BeckyTheEngineer

I can't really get on board with you thinking she is awful for having major life events that coincided with yours. She doesn't have to not get engaged or have a child because you "called" it.

If you are going to the shower, it would be rude to show up without a gift. I never believe in spending more than you can afford though. I'd want to go for my SIL, and would just spend what I was comfortable with.

CNYBride05

Dot tally tacky.  But you also need to let go of the notion that she is "stealing your thunder."  She may well be, but it doesn't sound like its likely to change.  You and your DH can be over the moon excited about your LO and that's all that matters.  I have all kinds of snarky things you could say to your MIL and SIL, but imagine you want to keep some kind of peace.  Get a board book or something equally small if you feel the need.  Or nothing at all, I think is totally fine.  If they are ballsy enough to "call you" on it, by all means share with them the etiquette behind showers

CNYBride05

Thank you autocorrect for changing "Totally" to "Dot tally"...

vintageutopia

Since she is family, I would plan on purchasing a reasonable gift. Even if a family member didn't have a 2nd shower, I would purchase something for consecutive babies.

 

Maybe, a cute outfit, diapers, and a card?

jslipher

I guess it depends...is she having the same sex baby as the first?

 

i am on baby number two I had a boy the first time and am now having a little girl...my best friend insisted that I needed a shower so we compromised...I had a sprinkle...it's like a shower but you register for the little things to get a few things that are girls since everything I have is for a boy...so I got lots of clothes and blankets and towels nothing big it was ,ore of a celebration of having another baby vs getting gabbing gifts...it was small and intimate mainly family and the closest of friends,.,my first shower for my son included co-workers, parents friends etc....

 

i think as long as you make it more of a celebration than about the gifts it's ok but once you start registering for all new things and big ticket things you may have gone to far.... 

RoosterMemphis

Sure, you're SIL sounds like a gift grabby beyotch, second showers are tacky, and MILs can always be annoying....but I think we need to pick our battles.  I'm sure she didn't plan these life events on purpose just to torment you, no one has that much drive to do that to someone else.  Grab a small gift, and show up for an hour.  You can always have somewhere else to be that day as well.  But I would make an appearance.  If anything, do it for your brother.

tttwalters

What about a card and then let her know in the card that you will bring over dinner one of the first few nights that she is home with baby, (not sure how close you are to giving birth yourself though). I would think having a toddler and a newborn that might be appreciated more then extra  "stuff".

KatTowers

Thanks again, everyone, for the ideas- the best idea yet (which I will be going with) came from my aunt- MIL's SIL- who said buy nothing, make something instead. I just got patterns for making baby shoes, so since I already have those, and plenty of fabric...ta-da!

But to those who thought I was thinking she did this on purpose- of course not. I know she didn't plan these things- but it really is hard to be over the moon when someone keeps beating you to the punch on everything- I haven't gotten to have a major life event just for me, ever (my extended family tends to compare all the cousins/siblings rather than just say congrats), so it's just felt a bit sad is all- I understand no one plans these things (I mean, she can't be that diabolical, no matter what my husband says lol).

Anyhow, thanks all for the feedback, I feel better knowing I'm justified to think a second shower is a bit much...especially since I'll be traveling over 2 hours to get there (forgot to mention that- she is a looong drive up the turnpike for me, which costs me more money than I have to begin with in gas and tolls).

So I'll be going- but I will be hand-making everything. At this rate I won't even have the cash for a card (I have two baby's first birthdays in this month as well that I need to scratch something together for) so I think I'll do handmade, and handwritten. That should seem far more meaningful than anything purchased anyways, so I can cover all the bases. 

Thanks everyone! 

santoriello21

Just remember you aren't buying the gift for your SIL.  You are buying the gift for your niece/nephew.  You can always get something for the baby that is not on the registry.