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Babies on the Brain
Missameraka
member
Baby fever
Missameraka
member
My husband and I just got married and we are thinking about having a baby. We have actually wanted to have one for a while but we weren't married so now that we are married we have been talking about it but people keep telling us to wait. I dont think there will ever be a perfect time and I dont want to wait too late to have kids. I feel that I can still enjoy life and marriage and have a family too. So should we wait or go for it?
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Re: Baby fever
Don't listen to the opinions of other people. Talk to your husband. Decide what is best for the two of you.
Why are people telling you to wait? Is everyone saying the same thing?
While it's true that you and your H know best when you're ready, if the people closest to you are saying the same thing, it's something to pay attention to.
For example, if your mom is telling you to wait because she had you at 35 and you turned out just fine, that's one thing. But if your mom, dad, MIL, FIL, and sister are telling you to wait because you're living in your parent's basement, you don't have health insurance, and you don't have a job, that's an entirely different situation.
Agreed!
Nothing frustrates me more than when people say "You're so young, you should wait", or "it's too soon, you should wait" when I talked about starting a family, not indicating that we were or weren't trying (we weren't). The response I always wanted to give was to pull out my calendar and have THEM tell me when the right time is. "Oh, I'm too young? Let me know the EXACT RIGHT AGE so I can write it down and start when YOU think I'm ready." And then click my pen, poised over the calendar ready to document the exact right age to have a baby. (What is that, by the way?)
Now that we actually ARE trying, the questions I'm getting are "so when are you going to start trying to have kids?". I just shrug it off and say something vague like "We'll have kids when we're ready".
To answer your question, I'm going to agree with everyone else - only you and your husband will know when you're ready. I would lean towards give it some time, but I would sound just like those people in my first paragraph, now wouldn't I?
Well, you don't give enough information for any of us to say you should go ahead or wait it out. I can say from personal experience, if other people are seriously telling you to wait then you might want to consider their arguments.
We are on the opposite side. It feels like everyone is always pressuring us about having babies. We are waiting because only we know what is right for us. It's tempting sometimes to just bite the bullet but we know our future kiddos will be better off with us waiting. We've been married 2 years though.
The main question is if you can provide a stable loving home, if you can afford the added expenses of a child, and if you are emotionally ready to add another member to your family. It changes everything... in a lot of wonderful ways, but also in stressful ways as well.
Best of luck!
Just wanted to reiterate what Filles said... yes, it is annoying if people say you are too young. The problem is that most people are incapable of believing that someone else could be more mature/smarter/better off than they were at the same age.
Some people spend their 20s partying, having one night stands, and getting no where in their careers... for some reason many people feel that these things are prerequisite to "knowing what you want" as an adult. It doesn't take screwing up (or screwing in general) to succeed. I am not the partying type. I married at 21, on the young side for my family, and it was the best decision I ever made. I enjoy less than typical endeavors for my age... gardening, writing, dog training, sewing, etc. I have always been that way and it would be untrue to myself to go experience wild nights just to feel like I "lived once".
Some of us... the ones I consider lucky.... spend our 20s with our significant other. Buying our first home, moving up the career ladder, and starting our families. Maybe it's not as glamorous but I'm cool with that. I don't think there is an age that is too young to be married or a mother, it is so individualized. For some they are not mature enough at 35, for others a pregnancy at 18 is ideal.
If a lot of people who know you very well are telling you you should wait to have kids (or get married, or any other large milestone) you should at least consider their opinion. As a previous poster said, if you are living in someone's basement and don't have health insurance than now is not the time the ttc... but if you are financially stable and you both want to then having a baby could be the best decision for your family. Only you can decide that!
First,it's your and your husbands decision, no one else. If you two believe you're ready then don't consult anyone else.
Second,After I had my oldest son the jerk left me, we were VERY lucky to find an amazing man only 2 months later and now 4 years later we are married, my husband adopted my oldest and we had another little boy. & while I love my children more than anything and would never trade them... I have no clue what our relationship is like without kids. We get date nights occasionally but I wish we could have had a relationship before having kids (which I know things would be much different and I don't wish for that. ) If you feel you have had enough time together then I say go for it. But I would make sure you're prepared to be a family of three, you don't get to pack up at any given moment and take off for the weekend or just say hey lets go see a movie. Sometimes I feel lucky to get anytime with my husband. I don't mean to make it sound bad (if I did) because we love our kids more than anything and we will soon be trying for #3! If you decide to wait do it for you & your husband not for anyone else. Don't put your life/plans on hold because someone else doesn't agree with you. I was only 19 when I got pregnant and my family didn't take it so well at first but it wasn't long until they all got excited and were driving me crazy to pick a baby name and theme for his room and all that. If you decide to go for it, tell everyone, we're doing it, it's our lives and we would greatly appreciate everyone being happy when I am able to give the good news. Good luck to you and your husband. & hey even if you get pregnant right now thats still 9 more months with your hubby! I think if this were me, I'd lose all birth control and condoms (or whatever you're using) and just see what happens. I wouldn't TRY but just see what happens.