Our Story

Excitedtostart

First, I just want to say a huge and amazing Thank You to everyone. I, we, have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and hope and prayers. It has made a difference in our lives, so thank you.

I can get pretty wordy in normal posts, so you can imagine what this one is like. The details are starting to become blurry. I?m writing this as best as I?m able. I tried to break up the days the way they happened. I thought you should get a chance to hear my story from me. 

A huge thank you to everyone who helped us or contributed in some way. There are so many people to thank. Especially Wee. Thank you Wee.

This is the story of the birth of my sons at 24 weeks and 1 day.

Dan survived, Will did not.
So, uh, spoiler alert.

::insert dreamy wavy lines here::

January 23 (23w2d)
Every Wednesday I went into the city to hang out with my BFFs. Mr ETS works nights on Weds and the dogs get to go to daycare and I hang with my friends. Pre-pregnancy it tended to be a bit of a boozer, but I still loved it being pregnant. You need that time with your girls, right?

BFF C has a teenage daughter who just started menstruating this year. She was curled up on the couch with a heating pad moaning about period cramps. I laughed because seeing her there made me feel like I had my period. That low, dull back pain. And kind of crotch achyness. I hated that feeling, so glad I was pregnant and didn?t have to deal with that for some time.

We watched MIB 2 (3?) with her kids and ordered Italian. At one point C turned off the movie and told me she thought something was wrong, I was irritable and fidgity. I didn?t think so, but at her insistence I called my OB. On call OB, whom I had never met, said he would meet me at the hospital in 20 minutes. I explained that I was in the city and asked if it was really necessary to go in. He hemmed and hawed, I told him I didn?t feel that bad. He said I could stay home if I drank a crap ton of water and lay on my left side and things got better. So I did that, and I felt better. My fidgityness didn?t go away, but it was better. I called Mr ETS and talked to him. He agreed with me that things sounded good and that I would see him in the morning.

I drank water all night long. I was awake all night long. At some point I started to think this wasn?t a good idea. That this might be the beginning of something bad. But I tried to relax and chill until the morning when I could get the dogs and drive back home.

Jan 24 (23w3d)
I walked down to my car, got breakfast to go and drove over to the dogs. Picked them up, said goodby to my friends and headed home. I don?t know if it was the 5 minutes of driving on cobblestones or just *** timing, but as soon as I got on the highway from Hell  started feeling contractions. Every 5 minutes. Not terrible, but tight feeling. Took my focus away from driving some. I NOTICED it. 50 miles, 30 of which are basically rush hour, I drove like this. Trying to figure out what to do if I delivered in the car. But I wouldn?t do that, I didn?t feel that bad. It was that terrible place in decision making when you seriously can?t tell how bad things are. Do I go to the ER or wait it out? Do I get a life vest on or crack a beer and chill? Sigh.

The dogs were freaking out in the car. They were like statues in the back seat, botl upright, staring at me. I probably should have taken that as a clue over everything else. I remember thinking how weird that was.

I know I passed other hospitals on my way home, but I didn?t know where they were. I didn?t know how to get to them, and I think I did the right thing by just continuing to drive. It was so cold that day, I couldn?t have left them in the car in a random hospital parking lot, they would have frozen. Which was beside the point, but I remember thinking it.

I finally got home. I had called Mr ETS and my OB on the way in and just stopped at the house long enough to throw the dogs inside and run back to the car. I went to my OBs directly.

I walked in and started crying. I couldn?t believe this was happening. I actually couldn?t believe it. I?d prepared myself for an early delivery all along. I mean, I personally was low risk, but twins are high risk. And here it was, this was happening. This couldn?t be happening. Please God don?t let this happen.

Please God, don?t let me lose my babies. Please. I?m so sorry for everything I ever did that was wrong but please don?t take my babies.

Mr ETS walked in as I headed back. They took me in right away, they were just taking my BP. The nurse felt my stomach and smiled, saying it wasn?t hard at all and that she thought they were BH contractions.

Thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Th NP checked my cervix and smiled cautiously. A funny little smile. She said I was a fingertip dilated so they were sending me over, but she didn?t think they were contractions. Probably just some IV fluid and rest.

Thank you God.

I texted Wee to let her know what was going on.

I cried, but felt ok. Mr ETS drove us to the hospital, about 5 minutes away. He got a wheelchair for me and brought me inside, but we didn?t know where to go. We had our hospital tour scheduled for the following week. We finally found our way in, I was feeling calm, ok, I hadn?t had any further contractions and was starting to feel like this was all a big waste of time.

Then we checked in. Mr ETS was standing above me, handing over insurance cards, but he wasn?t answering her questions. I looked up and saw him. Tearful, biting his lips together. He couldn?t speak. His hand was shaking. That?s when I knew. That?s when I knew how very bad this was. And my heart broke because the love of my life was hurting and I had somehow done this to him. Or not stopped it. I don?t know. But now I was crying. And scared. Holy shyte so scared.

They brought us back to a triage room right away. I remember trying to get undressed and the stupid gown and toko monitoring band thingy on and it was cold and I was cold and it was so quiet in that room.

Me: We?re going to be okay. We?re going to be okay, right? This is going to be okay?
Mr ETS: Nods
Me I love you so much.
Mr: I love you too.

I was so imbued with love for my husband at that moment. I knew we were losing them, that we had lost our boys, but I loved Mr E so much. I was overcome with calm. Probably emotional shock. Either way I had stopped crying.

At that point our OB walked in. Her face smiling, calm. Then she saw me and it sank. At our first meeting I asked so many questions about bed rest and cerclage and how to prevent prematurity. She took me seriously but chided me that I was going to have a long and fabulous pregnancy. And here we were.

She examined me, left the room, brought back another Dr and examined me again. In the past 15 minutes I had gone from finger tip to 3 cm at her first check. Now I was 5 cm dilated. She told me they?d start mag and an epidural to stop the labor. The good news was that my waters hadn?t broken.

They wheeled me to a room in L&D. I peed and got into bed. Drs came in, they talked to me. They made Mr E leave the room for the epidural. I was lying on my left side, feeling the prick of the lidocaine in my back when OHMYGODTHEPRESSURE. I started braying like a damned donkey. I didn?t know what was going on. I wasn?t in pain exactly, but oh God what was happening WTF WAS HAPPENING? WHAT IS GOING ON?

At that point my OB jumped on the bed, screamed for someone to get Mr E and spread my legs. Will was crowning. There was swearing. By her, by me, by everyone.

Not now. Please God, please not now. Please.

Please.

I thank God for Simon. He was the anesthesiology resident trying to put in my epidural while I was trying not to deliver. And suddenly, he did it. It was in. And I felt that coolness wash over me. And labor stopped.

Everyone stayed exactly where they were. No one moved. The NICU team arrived. We all started at one another. The minutes passed. My OB backed up to the end of the bed. After 10 minutes she stood up. Still no labor. She told us that this was a Hail Mary pass, that I would probably start up again momentarily. She started to point out my gestational age. I cut her off. We knew. We knew what this meant. She offered to break my water to speed things along. We said no. We wanted all of the time we had left with them, even if it was only a few hours.

They left us alone. We were quiet. We just held each others hands. What do you say?

Periodically they came to check on us. Nothing had changed. Wills sack was exposed but unbroken. I was still fully dilated. They were very cautious because he was essentially presenting. Everyone was just waiting. Mr ETS & I had discussions. Discussions I pray no one ever has. What would we do? We would do nothing. We would hold them and love them and tell them how much we loved them. We would let them go. Days short of viability, we knew what resuscitation would mean. It wouldn?t change the end for them, it would just draw it out for everyone.

Hours later my OB and the other Dr (an MFM) came in. Will had withdrawn a tad. I wasn?t contracting. We started to talk. Basically, they had no real hope that I could sustain this. But it was possible. But we needed to be prepared for an imminent delivery. And delivery meant saying good bye. If, IF, if I managed to make it through the night, we would talk more in the morning.

I have no idea what happened the rest of that night. I know we called our parents. We asked them not to come. We wanted to be alone.

January 25 (23w4d)

I was still pregnant. As the sun came up, I was still pregnant. Was I relieved? Not really. Did I want this over with? Kind of. Maybe I could stay pregnant? Probably not. Yes, I would! Probably not. Thank you God for giving me a chance. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
My mind whirled with these thoughts. It was so confusing and complex.

OB, MFM, NICU team came in. Lots of discussions. Statistics. Viability. What to do.
Our plan was to sit tight and see. We all knew the stakes; if I delivered the babies would die. If I stayed pregnant, maybe I could make it.

I laid in bed all day. We didn?t talk much. We held hands. We prayed. A priest came and said a prayer, he gave me some rosary beads. I remember Mr ETS teaching me how to use them, what to say when, etc. I?d never learned that before.

My mom came at some point. My parents live about 6 hours away. We were just very quiet. I think my ILS came. They live 2 hours away.

January 26 (23w5d)
I was still pregnant. Maybe I could do this. We talked with the NICU, OB, MFM again. The discussions started to change, but they didn?t get any better. When you talk about having a negligible success rate to a success rate of less than 10%, it doesn?t make the conversation much better. But, we could now see 24w, and that meant something. Because we had done IVF we knew exactly how pregnant I was. I would get my first steroid shot at midnight if I was still pregnant.

If is such a tiny word. But it is so big. So huge. My childrens lives were wrapped up and carried in that tiny, tiny word.

That evening I was feeling pretty good. Then the OBs came in. They wanted to do more monitoring. I said no. I had been refusing cervical checks and ultrasounds. I didn?t want anyone touching my belly. Literally, if you touched the bed I would scream. No one touched me but Mr ETS. I had lain with my feet slightly higher than my head since the 24th and I would do so until I delivered.

I still don?t know what crawled up their butt that night, but they were talking about c-sections and the liklihood that I would deliver that night. I had always wanted a medfree birth. When I got pregnant with the boys I realized that all bets were off and whatever needed to be done to bring them into this world safely was fine with me. Now I had to have this conversation.

Basically, because I wasn?t pregnant enough, I wouldn?t get a typical bikini c-section cut. I?d need the T incision because my uterus hadn?t grown enough yet. Awesome. One more way this got to suck. Bonus points: We wouldn?t be allowed to get pregnant for 2 - 3 years after this because of risk of uterine rupture. So not only would I not get these kids (maybe), I couldn?t even attempt a pregnancy until a few more years of my limited fertility had passed. Awesome.

At this point I was hysterical and they were making things worse, so we asked them to leave, and for Xanax for me. I took it and slept like a log all night long.

January 27 (23w6d)

I was really irritable at this point. The epidural was wearing off frequently and then I would feel the pressure. Will had moved back up some, he was now at -2 station, but I still felt him there. They topped off my epidural as frequently as they could. Thank God for those anesthesia residents taking care of me. They were amazing.

I was so tired. I didn?t know if I should start hoping more strongly, feel more confidant, or if this was it. So frustrating.

BFFs came to visit. She had come back to my house to pick up the dogs the day I went into labor. Some relatives came and went. It?s all very hazy. My dad came, my ILS came. No one knew what to say. No one wanted to cry in front of me, but what do you say? People tried to be cheery, but that wasn?t right either. Very difficult for everyone. It was another long day. At least I was getting steroid shots, right? Oh, and heparin because I was on bedrest, and progesterone shots. Another Hail Mary.

January 28th (24w)
Today was the day. Viability began at midnight. I could do this. I could DO this.

The morning passed quickly. I was joking, laughing. I felt good. Mr ETS even ran a few errands (brought things in from home that I wanted, etc). At some point I felt a little out of breath. I was put on a little bit of oxygen. Nothing much. Things got worse, slowly. Then suddenly, I heard this funny rushing noise. No one else could hear it, but it was rushing, rushing, rushing.

Then I couldn?t breathe.

The rushing was Flash Pulmonary Edema. My lungs filled up with fluid. It?s a side effect of the Mag and Indocin, another medicine they had me on to stop labor. There was no choice, the Mag had to be turned off. The rest of the day was such a blur. Portable chest xrays of me in the room, trying to figure out how bad my lungs were. Me refusing the oxygen mask, but consenting to the nasal cannula at 6 litres per minute (that?s a lot). Not being able to speak because it took too much effort. Knowing that this stress would stress the babies. The mag was off, there was nothing to stop their birth now.

We called our favorite nurse in. We were pretty sure I would deliver soon and we wanted to know the sex of the babies. We had been Team Green because we wanted that special moment in the delivery room. Now we wanted to know before delivery for two reasons. First, so we could name them. We wanted to try to feel connected to them for a little bit. We?d never decided on names before and now we had to decide. Secondly, because girls fare better than boys Statistically we stood a better chance if we had girls. Girls might live.

She sat down and told us she would get the Dr. We told her that we wanted her to tell us. We had bonded with her. She went to check.

Two boys. Both boys. My sons.

I had wanted boys. I know you?re not supposed to want one way or another, but I wanted sons. I love baby boys. I would have loved girls too, but I was so amazingly happy to know that I was carrying our sons. Our gorgeous boys.

Our boys who probably wouldn?t live.

Oh babies. I?m so sorry. I?m so, so sorry. We love you so much.

William Edward and Daniel Alexander. It was so easy to pick them. William because it was a strong name. Edward, Daniel and Alexander after men in our families. Will and Dan. Our boys.

My breathing was worse. It was hard to talk. My O2 saturation was crappy, even with all the oxygen. I was getting diuretics (lasix) but I was getting worse. They were afraid that I had a PE (blood clot). They wanted a CT scan. I refused. We argued. Mr ETS finally said yes. I relented.

Downstairs we went, bump bump bump over elevator rails, bang bang bang into walls. Slide over to the CT table, slide back. bang, bang, bang, bump, bump, bump and I was back upstairs.

But I had to poop. I really had to poop.

Did I mention that I loved each and every nurse I had? Except for this one. This one I hated. And I would not let her be the nurse to take care of me and my boys.

January 29, 2013 (24w1d)

I stayed up all night. I was sweating with effort to keep them in. I knew I would deliver. I was just trying to make it to 7 am for shift change. By 6:45 I was puffing and panting. At 7 am I rang my call bell repeatedly until my favorite nurse came in. I told her. It was time.

I probably should have told the NICU about my plan. They barely had time to assemble. Our quiet room was invaded with Drs and nurses and support staff. There wasn?t enough time to get me to the OR, but they were clearing one for us. Oops.

I held Mr ETSs hand. I said how sorry I was. I just couldn?t keep Will in anymore. I couldn?t stop it anymore.

Wills water broke. It was so hot. I didn?t think I would feel it, but I did. Then nothing. No contractions. No pressure. Nothing. We waited. 5 minutes? 10 minutes? I don?t know. it felt like an eternity. Finally, the resident told me I should try to push. It would be better for him if I pushed. He needed to come out.  

I pushed. I pushed so hard, but it felt so fruitless. I couldn?t feel anything. There was nothing to push with, or against. And finally, he was out.

They told me he cried at birth, but I never heard it. They held him up for me to see, they smiled and were encouraging. All I remember is screaming for them to GO! RUN! SAVE HIM!. I don?t know if I said any of it out loud, but in my head I was screaming.
There was a small window of hope that Dan would stay inside. That he would behave and chill and grow some more. I was taking deep breaths, trying to calm myself when his water broke. Then I really started screaming. I think keening is a better term. I was so exhausted. I couldn?t do this again. I couldn?t let him go.

Again, no contractions. I felt the resident feel my cervix, feel my stomach. Dan had turned. He was breech, and feet first, not butt first. She reached inside tried to turn him, but he wouldn?t stay still. So she grabbed him and pulled him farther ahead. He needed to come out now.

I pushed and pushed and pushed and out he came. He was dark, almost black. I screamed for them to go. I didn?t think he was alive, but he was.

William Edward was born at 7:42 with a birth weight of 580 grams, or 1 lb 4 ounces. His apgars were 1, 5 and 7.
Daniel Alexander was born at 8:11 weighing 680 grams, or 1 lb 8 ounces. His Apgars were 4 & 6.

Mr ETS and I had decided not to resuscitate them. But they were born alive and breathing and they both cried (apparently) and so they treated them. Our quick discussion (after so many, many discussions) with the NICU team was to treat what they could, fix what was simple, but no heroic measures. Mr ETS went to be with them.

After it was all over I was allowed to sit up for the first time in a week. I got cleaned up, out of the bed I had been in all that time - an L&D bed, not an actual hospital bed. That bed was the devil. I tried to pee but couldn?t so I begged for them to put the catheter back in. They got out 2,800 ml of urine. I had to go! Stupid diuretics!! They brought me over to post partum and into a real bed.

I remember feeling so lost. I was so dizzy still, it was still hard to breathe. Do I go see them? Are they still alive?

Someone will tell me if they?re dead, right?

Mr ETS came back and forth, he brought pictures of them. They were so tiny. Eventually they were satisfied that I wouldn?t pass out on the floor and they let me go over in a w/c.

They don?t look like babies at that age. They look like little aliens. They don?t have any body fat, so you can see all their bones and little organs. Their eyes are still fused shut. They can?t regulate the moisture barrier in their skin, so they look like wet frogs. Or wet baby birds.

We couldn?t hold them, but we could touch them after scrubbing. It was so loud with the ventilator, and the alarms, and the pumps. But I remember touching them. They didn?t really feel like anything though. Just... fragile? Is fragile a feeling? I was afraid I would break them.

We had them baptized in their rooms. They were doing well, but the reality was clear. These babies were not meant to be born yet.

We went back to my L&D room. They needed to work on the boys and I wasn?t supposed to be gone very long. The initial reports were promising. They had all of their organs and systems and everything was working.

Good news, but I couldn?t stop crying. Over the next few days I would talk with multiple people about my feelings, make promises not to hurt myself, and try to figure out how to talk or act without getting myself thrown in the psych ward. Apparently they were uncomfortable with the amount of crying I was doing.

Jan 30th

All I remember of this day is when the NICU called to say Dr P was coming to talk with us. That?s never good.

Will had IVH, bleeding in his brain. This was the worst case scenario we were afraid of. It was bad. Grade ? and 4/4. This is brain damage. Well, ***.

I?m going to compress the next two weeks into this: Days in the NICU, sitting next to isolettes, staring at the blue lights. Listening to beeps. Trying not to lose our minds. Shopping in Target because none of my clothes fit me and feeling so lost. Watching mothers push strollers and feeling overcome with sadness and guilt and regret and anxiety and forgetting how to breathe and not knowing if our lives would ever be okay again. Feeling so angry. So empty. So sad. Grieving as though they were already gone.

February 13
Wills nurse said it was about time someone held that boy and if I didn?t she would.

They set me up in the recliner, padded with blankets and pillows and a team of 4 people disconnected him and brought him to me. They nestled him against my chest and reconnected him, taping his lines and tubes to me so they wouldn?t hang against his little body.

I?ll never forget what he felt like. How small he was. But how much he moved! This boy was alive! My son, my baby boy. Wiggling and curious and alert. His eyes had opened the day before and he looked everywhere. I held out my finger and touched his outstretched index finger, the finger that was always outstretched. I touched it, and he withdrew it. Then he stretched it out again. I touched it gently with the tip of my finger and he withdrew. Out, touch, withdraw.
We did that for an hour. My friend came by to bring the dogs back to us and it felt so normal to hang out, with my son nestled on my chest, talking with a friend.

I exhaled a breath I didn?t know I was holding. This was going to be okay. Thank you God, thank you for my sons. Thank you for letting this be okay.

Feb 14, 2013

Valentines day! Valentines day and I?m a mom. I?d better start actually doing this mom thing. To start with, no more negative thinking. I?m going to go see my sons today and some day I?ll bring them home. Both of them.

I stopped at the drugstore and bought great big bags of candy for the nurses and cards for Will and Dan. I spent the morning bopping between their rooms (across the small hallway, too much equipment for one room). I had lunch with Mr ETS at the hospital.

When I came back, something was different. Dan wasn?t doing well. Then Will wasn?t doing well. We spent all afternoon going back and forth between them. At one point we were in the hallway, just looking back and forth.

We settled in Wills room. He was fighting, but the NICU team was handling it. They always do. They amaze me.

At some point, I realized I wasn?t really listening to what they were saying.

?You know we?re doing everything we can, right? You see that we?re trying everything we can to help him??

Wait a minute. Why is she saying that to me That?s what they say when people die. That?s what we tell parents when we can?t save their kid in the ER. Why are they saying that to me?

Oh.

Oh. Will is dying.

Oh.

No.

I called Mr ETS in from Dans room. We asked some questions. They didn?t have good answers. Will was dying, it was just a matter of when. We had always said that there was a limit to what we would do. To try too much was cruel, and these boys deserved only love.

Mr ETS hadn?t held either boy yet. So they let him hold Will. We took off the monitors, and he held Will. And Will was awake, and played the finger game a little bit. But he was tired today. It was just so matter of fact It was time for him to go. I asked that Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep be called. I wanted pictures. I had just started to talk to people about maternity pictures. I didn?t get those. By God I wanted pictures of my son before he died.

We waited for them to come. We held him. We didn?t know what to do. No one tells you want to do while you wait for your son to die. I told him about all the things I wanted to do with him. I told him about all the things I would do with Dan instead, and think of him and we would send our love up to him in Heaven. We had started reading Stuart Little, so I picked it up and started reading.

NILMDTS came. She was wonderful. She took amazing pictures.

When she was done, Will was still with us. So I kept reading. He stayed with us for hours, all through the evening. Right up until I finished the story. I think he wanted to hear the ending.

Will died just before midnight on February 14, 2013.

We held him and loved him. We bathed him. We did foot prints and tried to cut a lock of hair, but there wasn?t really any to cut.

Then we went home.

We planned his funeral over the next few days. People were painfully kind to us. We cried a lot. We continued to go to the NICU everyday to see Dan. Dan was improving, but he was still so weak. His heart defect (PDA) wasn?t improving. He was losing too much weight. He was down to 1 lb 1.9 ounces. Will had died at just under a pound. Dan needed to go to another hospital to have surgery to fix the hole in his heart. It would be very risky. They wanted to do it as soon as possible - but we had to bury Will. I was sick.

Finally decided to keep Dan here until the day of the funeral, then send him after the funeral.

Things you don?t want to know:
You can get a discount on urns if your son is small enough to fit in a desk top paper weight urn.
Figuring out how to ask if they have two plots next to each other in case you still lose your other son.
I don?t know. I guess I didn?t want to know any of it.
What I do know is that people were unfailingly kind to us. People reached out to us from all over. They still do. We?re amazed. We?re comforted.

Wills funeral was nice. There was a BOTB presence, and that made me smile. It was a beautiful day. It was so hard to let him go, but we didn?t have a choice.

Feb 21
Dans surgery was a success. I was waiting in a chair by his isolette, waiting for the ambulance to come and bring him back to our hospital. They had brought up the transport isolette and parked it about 4 feet away. It was just us in the room. I told him how proud I was of him. How much I love him. Then I looked up and tod Will that he had done a good job, but that we needed to get Dan back safely to our hospital.

Are you ready, Will? I asked aloud.

The transport isolette rolled over and gently bumped into Dans isolette.

I guess he was ready.

-----

Today Dan is almost 7 pounds. He looks like a newborn. He?s graduated from his specialized isolette to a regular isolette to his open air crib. He smiles and cries and farts in the bathtub. He?s still in the NICU and has a little ways to go. He?s weaned off of his ventilator to a mask, to a nasal cannula with minimal CPAP at night. He?s drinking bottles and nursing pretty well. He has some health issues (BPD - preemie lung, pulmonary hypertension, retinopathy of prematurity), but he?s doing well. He?ll need glasses and he might wear oxygen at home for a little while. But he?s here, and he snuggles and he smells so sweet. He?s my amazing baby boy.

I try to do my best to positive. I let myself be sad. I let myself cry. But overall, I don?t think Will would want me to be sad all the time. I mostly cry in the shower, have a good cry, and then move on with my day.

I try really hard to think positively about their delivery. I try not to blame myself. I was better at that in the beginning. Some days I?m not very good at it anymore. Mr ETS & I try to believe that Will came out early for a reason. He died of sepsis, whether that was from having his membranes exposed for so long, or if he was sick in utero and coming early was his way of preventing Dan and myself from getting sick. The Drs told us that if Will was eptic in utero, he and Dan would likely have died, and I might have as well. So I like to think of him as my little hero. He sacrificed himself to save his brother and me.

And then some days I think it was just all my fault. But I know it wasn?t. It?s just sucks harder some days.

Breastfeeding has been a challenge. There isn?t a lot of good advice on how to pump through your grief. The crappy LC told me to think about how they smell when I pump, to think of how it feels to hold them, to hear them cry. She shutup pretty quickly when I reminded her that (at the time) I had never held them, heard them, and that they smelt like plastic because they live inside a plastic box. I don?t use her anymore. Now I have a great LC and I take Dom and Motherlove and I pump and now that I can put Dan to breast (which is amazing) things are starting to look up.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. Obviously this didn?t have the ending that any of us wanted, but I hope that there?s a reason for it. I would never say that to someone else, and I would cuttabitch if someone said it to me, but I like to think that maybe Will died for a reason. Maybe Dan will be so inspired by his birth and Wills death that he?ll study medicine and someday help premature babies like Will survive.

Or it?s just a coping mechanism.

Either way, thank you. The many sleepless nights that I spent praying for them to be okay, praying for Dan to make it, I knew that so many of you were there with me. Dan was resuscitated many times in front of us, and I reached out through Wee and your prayers and thoughts and love worked. He?s here, he?s thriving. He?s so beautiful.

Many of you opened up your pockets as well as your hearts and we were given a beautiful gift basket. Thank you. Wee bought wonderful things to keep us busy in the NICU, pumping supplies to help me through my hard patches, and a small ipod and speaker that I keep in Dans room. I play music on it 24/7 to drown out the beeps of the monitors. He loves it. I really think it has helped.

There was some money left over and it was donated to March of Dimes and Now I lay Me Down To Sleep. If you ever need a charitable gift, donate to them. They are amazing.

I probably won?t be on here very much. There are some things that have been harder than others. Setting up just one crib in Ds nursery. Researching single strollers. And coming here. I don?t know why some things are worse than others, but they are. But you deserved to hear our story from me, and a thank you for all that you guys have done.

Thank you, everyone.

ks3pink

I have thought of you very often the past few months. You have been through so much and you are so strong. I will continue I pray and think of your family the pictures are beautiful and I am so glad you shared with us. I am sure your story will serve as an inspiration to others for many years to come.

aliwisewoman

Hi ETS. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you lost your precious baby, Will.  It is heartwarming to hear you talk about Dan and knowing he is thriving despite the odds.  I am pregnant with twins, too.  I can imagine in great detail the days and nights you went through.  It is my greatest fear, at this point.  But your story gives me hope.  I hope Dan is home with you soon.  

ellephunt

3 your boys are amazing ETS. Thanks for sharing your story.

Lena122

I'm so sorry for your loss but I thank you for sharing.

jensneb

Thanks so much for sharing the whole story in one place.  I know that many of us were going day to day waiting on updates and sending all of the prayers we had to your family.  You are such a brave and strong person, and it's ok to be sad sometimes.  Hugs and love to your family.

Le Olive

ETS. xoxoxoxoxoxo.

magdalina.h

I love you sweetie

blonde151188

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I've been praying and will continue to do so.

MrsShackleford

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

 

SnowflakeBride06

ETS, I have followed you from the beginning and you are a strong mama and a strong family. I am so sorry for what you have been through, no one should have to endure that loss and grief.  Know that you are loved and prayed for and that Daniel is a fighter and you did your very best for both of your sons. Also, Mr. ETS sounds like an amazing man, many prayers with your whole family.

notquiteblushing

Sending you love and support.

thefarmchick

Thank you for the update and sharing your story.

You are in my heart and my prayers

gogadgetgo

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your words made me shed sad tears for beautiful will and happy tears for dan's progress.

You and mr ETS will always be on my thoughts. Please know you are always welcome here should you decide to return. So much love to you all.

Eastie156

What a heart-wrenching story. I'm so sorry for your loss. May your LO grow big and strong and the memories of his brother stay in your heart. God bless-

AggieDaner

Your sons are beautiful. Your words, even as they paint a picture of anguish, are beautiful. Thank you for your story, thank you for sharing Will and Dan. Your strength is palpable and fierce. Thank you.

Mysterious_wife

Thank you for sharing your story here.  I have been thinking of you often.  I will continue to keep the entire ETS family in my thoughts.  

Twinkie0612

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am continuing to keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Kristinmo

That was beautiful.  

 I love you. 

jneden

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can't imagine how difficult and painful that must have been. I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers.

Mommy2CB

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for Will's loss but I am so glad Dan is doing so well. Many thoughts to your family.

bosoxy

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am sorry for your loss.  I am glad Dan is doing well and I hope all the best for your family.

bugandbibs

As always ETS, my love and prayers are with you. I understand your decision to stay away- we miss you, but we understand. Best wishes to you. 

a eliza13

Wow what a heartbreaking and beautiful story. Where do you get your strength? I don't know you, but I know you're an exceptional woman and I have nothing but respect for you. I am so sorry for everything you've had to endure. 

Reading your story reminds me to appreciate what I have, so thank you. 

ricecakes1216

I am so sorry for you loss. I will continue to pray for you, your husband and Dan. 

kelle017

I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said.

I think you are an amazing woman and an amazing mother.  Your strength is inspiring.

You guys are in my thoughts often.  

kistjenn@yahoo.com

I've been following your story from the beginning.  What an amazing and heart wrenching/warming story.  There have been SO many nights the ETS family has been on my mind.  And as creepy as it sounds, I've even had dreams hoping and praying for your boys.  God bless you and your family.  What a story, much love!

charlies-angel

I'm so sorry for your loss and I thank you for sharing your story. 

JordyInIndy

Your strength is amazing and your words are beautifully written. I'm so extremely sorry for your loss and so happy with your little miracle.

huskymomma94

Thank you for sharing your story. I think of you often.

VeilSdeGTO

I don't post on here but would come here to hear updates on you and your family. I think of your sons often and hope Dan continues to thrive. Your family will stay in my T&Ps.

Mrs.Slick

Both of your boys continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

pinkflipflops44

((((((()))) Oh honey.  I've been thinking of you all.

JilliansMoma

You are amazing.  Thank you for sharing I will continue to pray for you.

JM 

PinkRoses

It's hard to even find the words to respond after reading your own love-filled, heart-wrenching ones.  I've been following what happened the whole way through, and praying for you, Mr. ETS, Will and Dan every single day.  

Again, I don't even know what to say on the loss of sweet Will, other than he was so blessed to have been loved so fiercely by his mommy and daddy and brother while he was here.  You are an amazing mother.  

Dan sure is a fighter - I can only imagine what a strong, spirited man he will grow to become one day!  With a mom like you, a dad like Mr. ETS, and a guardian angel like Will helping him out along the way, he's bound to be incredible.  I continue to pray for his speedy return home to you.

I know I don't post here much anymore, but you will certainly be missed.  It was so generous of you to share your story here - thank you.  Wishing you and your family nothing but happiness from here on out!

Mrsbuttercup0806

Just... so much love. That's all I can say. Soo much love.

TheFutureMrs08

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for the loss of Will

Sending many prayers to you and your family 

MrsRustyGriswold

Oh ETS, Thank you for sharing.  It must have been so hard to do.  For my own selfish reasons, I hope you come back around someday, but having recently taken my own break from TB, I understand if you don't.  You, Mr. ETS, Will, and Dan are so loved.  Will is a BOTB angel and he will guard his brother so well.  ((hugs))

WinsyWade

Oh ETS, thank you for sharing your story.  Your boys are amazing.  I will keep sending thoughts and prayers to your family.  ((many giant hugs)))

egsquared

ETS, I know you don't know me, but I have been a long time BOTB lurker and still lurk here once in awhile. I have followed your story and have been keeping you and your family in my prayers. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Such love and strength you have, and such incredible boys.

karebear57

I am so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Will and Dan are such beautiful babies. I'm so sorry you have to know this pain. I know it is very hard not to blame yourself. Just know you did nothing wrong. {{Hugs}}