Cheating

RondackHiker

Lurking around for drama, a post on the Sahm board caught my eye. A woman told her H she'd go to the park and be back for lunch. He came home on his lunch break, and she walked into the bedroom with her LO to catch him cheating on her in their bed. She said she kicked him out and planned to divorce.

There were several posts saying that cheating was a deal breaker, but also several saying "she owes it to herself and their marriage to try counseling". What say you, parenting? If you were TTC with your H and caught him cheating, would you feel you "owe" it to him to try counseling?

I personally would recommend counseling to help them coparent, but not to see if it could fix the marriage or imply she owed him in any way.

LoveActually4

Yikes, it's so hard to say. I think the circumstances of the cheating would make the decision for me. A one time drunken mistake would be a lot easier to forgive than an emotional/physical affair with deception and lies.

I would try to forgive my H, I really would. I just don't know if I'd be able to.

jkkg317

Lurker

I would personally try to work it out IF he wanted to also, for my kids and that's the only reason. But I don't think she owes it to him at all. That's ridiculous. He stepped out he should count himself lucky if it even crosses her mind to give him another chance. 

tarebear9891

I agree with you. Cheating is a deal breaker for me, it would mean my marriage was past saving.

 I also agree I would need some sort of counseling with my (ex)DH to be able to coparent with him without wanting to claw his eyes out every time I saw him.

 

NativeFloridian

I don't care what anyone says, for me cheating is an absolute deal breaker.  I don't think anyone "owes" anyone else anything, especially in that situation.  There are much, much better ways to go about releasing frustration in your marriage than breaching the trust, cavorting with another person, risking introducing STIs into the picture, disrespecting the household by bringing the other person into the home to cheat with them, etc.  Having a row every day is normal when the marriage is strained.  Cheating is taking it too far.  I won't cheat - I'll leave the relationship before I cheat - and I expect the same from my partner.

When kids are in the mix, I definitely recommend some sort of counseling and/or mediation for the sake of amicable co-parenting.  That's about it, though.

ppants

I've always said that cheating isn't an automatic 100% get a divorce type of situation for DH and I.  After the actual act of cheating, I would be most pissed that we were TTC, he did it in our bed/at our home, and finally our child (however young) had to witness his it.  I think couseling is always the go to option.  It will lend itself to resolving the matter the best way possible whether it be reconcillation, divorce with a plan to co-parent, separation, etc.

ReeseFox

Like someone else said, I might be able to forgive a one time, drunken mistake. But in this specific situation I would absolutely be done. If he brought another woman, to my home, where my children live? In my bed, on my sheets that I sleep in? Oh hell no. First of all that b!tch could be crazy, and now she knows exactly where to find me and my kids. Second, you're flucking her in my bed and just letting me climb in that same bed like everything's a-ok let's me know you don't give two shiits about me.  

Ziegeficker

I think it depends on a myriad of factors...and it is really a personal decision for the specific couple.  I could easily empathize with any woman who would want to end things right then and there, but I would also understand wanting to try and move past it if it was something that both parties felt could actually be done.  The TTC thing would definitely be put on hold regardless...

bearfootz

I always thought that cheating would be a deal breaker, until I had kids.  Now I guess I think that it's not just about me and how hurt I would be.  Everything would depend on the circumstances.  I guess it's hard to say unless you're actually in the situation, and I hope that I never am.  But if DH were truly remorseful, I would try my best to work on things and figure out if we could rebuild the foundation and rebuild trust. But obviously I'm not going to live the rest of my life miserable just so my kids can have a two-parent home.  And I'm pretty sure the extent of my sex talk when I got married was "don't ever give him a reason to look elsewhere for it", so I try to remind myself that even though we're parents now we need to make the marriage a priority and both of us need to make sure that the other one feels emotionally/physically satisfied so that there's not such temptation to look for someone else.

 Of course I lead DH to believe that I know where to bury his body should he ever slip up, and he's never given me any indication to believe he would. 

bearfootz

LoisLayn23:

Ziegeficker:

I think it depends on a myriad of factors...and it is really a personal decision for the specific couple.  I could easily empathize with any woman who would want to end things right then and there, but I would also understand wanting to try and move past it if it was something that both parties felt could actually be done.  The TTC thing would definitely be put on hold regardless...

Ultimately, this is where I am.

I don't think it's nearly as black and white as some people (not everyone, don't get it twisted) say. It's easy to say "I would never".

Yeah, I try not to judge people that are in that situation.  You just never know what goes on in someone else's marriage.  And I've seen couples who have moved past it and went on to have very happy marriages, so it's not something to just write off.  Obviously that's not giving your DH the green light to go ahead or anything.

Kaydfry2411

ReeseFox:

Like someone else said, I might be able to forgive a one time, drunken mistake. But in this specific situation I would absolutely be done. If he brought another woman, to my home, where my children live? In my bed, on my sheets that I sleep in? Oh hell no. First of all that b!tch could be crazy, and now she knows exactly where to find me and my kids. Second, you're flucking her in my bed and just letting me climb in that same bed like everything's aok let's me know you don't give two shiits about me. nbsp;

This exactly! To bring another women into our home is just utter disrespect! In this case I would be absolutely done! I would also probably been in jail, because I would go BSC on them!

JessiRaye

Deal breaker. I saw that post earlier and it made me so mad for her! In their home and bed. Just gross. I know I wouldn't be able to move on.

scoutkate

I don't have a black and white answer to this.  I think that for me a lot would depend on the circumstances: the duration of the affair, the level of emotional involvement, etc.  I think the circumstances described in the OP would be pretty damning. 

LuckyDad

RondackHiker:

Lurking around for drama, a post on the Sahm board caught my eye. A woman told her H she'd go to the park and be back for lunch. He came home on his lunch break, and she walked into the bedroom with her LO to catch him cheating on her in their bed. She said she kicked him out and planned to divorce. There were several posts saying that cheating was a deal breaker, but also several saying "she owes it to herself and their marriage to try counseling". What say you, parenting? If you were TTC with your H and caught him cheating, would you feel you "owe" it to him to try counseling? I personally would recommend counseling to help them coparent, but not to see if it could fix the marriage or imply she owed him in any way.

I think there are often nuances to situations that may not come out in a one-sided online forum post. Counseling couldn't hurt, although in the situation listed, their marriage probably was over before she caught him, that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. 

blowfish11

Deal breaker. 100%.

bearfootz

JessiRaye:

Deal breaker. I saw that post earlier and it made me so mad for her! In their home and bed. Just gross. I know I wouldn't be able to move on.

This happened to a relative of mine.  She drug the mattress onto the front lawn and set fire to it. 

Then they somehow worked through things and we celebrated their 30th anniversary last year. 

I don't know, to each his own.

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jorkz821

LoisLayn23:

LuckyDad:

RondackHiker:

Lurking around for drama, a post on the Sahm board caught my eye. A woman told her H she'd go to the park and be back for lunch. He came home on his lunch break, and she walked into the bedroom with her LO to catch him cheating on her in their bed. She said she kicked him out and planned to divorce. There were several posts saying that cheating was a deal breaker, but also several saying "she owes it to herself and their marriage to try counseling". What say you, parenting? If you were TTC with your H and caught him cheating, would you feel you "owe" it to him to try counseling? I personally would recommend counseling to help them coparent, but not to see if it could fix the marriage or imply she owed him in any way.

I think there are often nuances to situations that may not come out in a one-sided online forum post. Counseling couldn't hurt, although in the situation listed, their marriage probably was over before she caught him, that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. 

I don't think people always cheat because the marriage is over. They usually cheat because there is something lacking in the marriage. Sometimes finding out what that is and rectifying it can save the relationship.

But if that's his way of identifying a problem, I'm not going to stick around to see if we can resolve it.

Deal breaker.

Caligirl81

It's not necessarily a deal-breaker for me.  I only feel this way now because we have a child together.  DH's parents divorced when he was young and it was very difficult on him.  He still has issues stemming from it many years later.  I wouldn't want to put DS through that.

However, I think the circumstance of the cheating matters.  A one-time fling and a full-on affair are two totally different things in my book. 

The Nap Taker

Cheating is just a symptom that something else is wrong

 

Coming from the cheater prospective my H thought the marriage was perfect, that nothing was wrong, he was blissfully happy. I wasn't.  So when she says the marriage was perfect before the cheating she is probably talking from her perspective, not his.

NativeFloridian

jorkz821:

LoisLayn23:

LuckyDad:

RondackHiker:

Lurking around for drama, a post on the Sahm board caught my eye. A woman told her H she'd go to the park and be back for lunch. He came home on his lunch break, and she walked into the bedroom with her LO to catch him cheating on her in their bed. She said she kicked him out and planned to divorce. There were several posts saying that cheating was a deal breaker, but also several saying "she owes it to herself and their marriage to try counseling". What say you, parenting? If you were TTC with your H and caught him cheating, would you feel you "owe" it to him to try counseling? I personally would recommend counseling to help them coparent, but not to see if it could fix the marriage or imply she owed him in any way.

I think there are often nuances to situations that may not come out in a one-sided online forum post. Counseling couldn't hurt, although in the situation listed, their marriage probably was over before she caught him, that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. 

I don't think people always cheat because the marriage is over. They usually cheat because there is something lacking in the marriage. Sometimes finding out what that is and rectifying it can save the relationship.

But if that's his way of identifying a problem, I'm not going to stick around to see if we can resolve it. Deal breaker.

This.

kwitt22

I can't say that anything for me would be dealbreaker. I am pretty sure I would have to be in the situation to know. I would still be extremely hurt and it would take a lot of work to mend it.

That being said, I know a wonderful couple (that is quite close to be) where the husband cheated. To make matters worse he did it when she was caring for 2 young kids. The are still together almost 30 some years later. I don't know many details other than that.  I guess it is possible to recover from it though!

kcisthebombdotcom

LoisLayn23:

Ziegeficker:

I think it depends on a myriad of factors...and it is really a personal decision for the specific couple.  I could easily empathize with any woman who would want to end things right then and there, but I would also understand wanting to try and move past it if it was something that both parties felt could actually be done.  The TTC thing would definitely be put on hold regardless...

Ultimately, this is where I am.

I don't think it's nearly as black and white as some people (not everyone, don't get it twisted) say. It's easy to say "I would never".

I can tell you never with certainty because I know me. No amount of counseling could change my personality.  

ksyknelvr73

LoisLayn23:

I don't think she "owes" HIM anything.

That said, him breaking a vow doesn't necessarily make it ok for her to do the same.

It would take a lot of talking through feelings separately, and her deciding if she WANTS to try to salvage the marriage (that is, if he is remorseful and wants the same and is committed to her every demand). If she decides she wants to try, then yeah, a lot of counseling.

But I don't judge anyone for ANY decision they make regarding that.

I agree with all of this.

RondackHiker

FTR I don't feel cheating is always a deal breaker and I don't judge what other's do. I can't say what I would do, but if I caught DH in our bed? I can't see coming back. That's beyond a oops mistake. That's so beyond disrespectful.

I was more surprised that people implied she should go to counseling to try to save the marriage. I guess the way it was phrased bothered me. Rather than "if you want to, it could help bring closure and remove doubts about if you can fix this", it was "you have to go save this!"

LuckyDad

kiraliz2:

LuckyDad:

RondackHiker:

Lurking around for drama, a post on the Sahm board caught my eye. A woman told her H she'd go to the park and be back for lunch. He came home on his lunch break, and she walked into the bedroom with her LO to catch him cheating on her in their bed. She said she kicked him out and planned to divorce. There were several posts saying that cheating was a deal breaker, but also several saying "she owes it to herself and their marriage to try counseling". What say you, parenting? If you were TTC with your H and caught him cheating, would you feel you "owe" it to him to try counseling? I personally would recommend counseling to help them coparent, but not to see if it could fix the marriage or imply she owed him in any way.

I think there are often nuances to situations that may not come out in a one-sided online forum post. Counseling couldn't hurt, although in the situation listed, their marriage probably was over before she caught him, that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. 

But...they were ttc. That doesn't scream the end of a marriage to me.

She also came back and described a pretty picture perfect marriage prior to this. It was really odd.

LOL I blame the fact my coffee hadn't kicked in yet for missing that key piece of info about the TTC.

My guess then is she was happy, and he wasn't. Or he's just a compulsive cheater. 

SpaceGirlSpiff

She wouldnt owe HIM anything...No.

However, in a situation where you're a whole family and kids are involved I think something like this deserves some more thinking things through and analysis of the situation once it's at hand before a knee-jerk reaction to divorce.  Not saying divorce isn't or shouldn't be the answer, but that I think jumping straight to that with no thought or saying hypothetically before hand that it'll always be 100% a deal breaker... I dont know, I personally couldn't do that. 

For me, I think the only automatic decision I'd make is separation, but not necessarily divorce.... and then I'd take time to understand the situation, see where he's at (is he remorseful, willing for counseling, how far did the feelings go with the other person, was it a one time slip or an actual relationship etc etc), and figure out the next steps from there depending on the answers to SO many multi-faceted questions that always accompany situations like this... Basically, I need to be fully informed before I make my final verdict. Could be a anywhere from separation and counseling, up to divorce.... but it just depends on where things go after the initial reveal.

For me it's just not so black and white once kids are involved

No kids? See you later fool. 

mom2pottamus

Every part of me thinks that it would be a deal-breaker.

In the end I don't know, there is so much worth fighting for in my marriage.

hmp1

To each their own. It is a very hard situation. I have friends who have left and friends that have stayed.

For me, I don't know. Catching him cheating like that, in front of my child, on our bed, when he knew I was coming home soon, I'm probably done with the marriage because it certainly seems like he is. A drunken affair on a business trip. It would really sting but I might be able to get past it if he was truly sorry and wanted to make the marriage work. 

SpaceGirlSpiff

Yeah, I would have to say in THIS exact situation....I don't imagine my H being all so remorseful if this is how he handled things...in OUR bed, when he knew I'd be home, where our kids could see, etc...so effing disrespectful.

THAT situation would probably lead us to divorce... I'm probably 99.9999% sure  

 

MandaPanda518

This is what happened with my parents, but my dad walked in on my mom cheating in their bed. I think it's a deal breaker for me.

Plus I'd make him buy me a new mattress. 

klondikebar

Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I don't care what the cause is. If there was a problem in our marriage, DH has the option of talking to me, counseling or getting separated/divorced. Sticking his d!ck in a hole that doesn't belong to me is not a valid option.

LuckyDad

beccaga16:

Ok I read th OP...

She is a SAHM and this dude chose to cheat on her IN THEIR HOME! What an a-hole!

I agree, but part of me thinks he wanted to get caught at some level. It's pathetic, but not unusual. 

RondackHiker

LoisLayn23:

It's not as elementary as "there's a problem in my marriage so I'll go bang this chick.".
It is probably a slow disconnect and a slower feeling of missing something.

How slow of a disconnect does there need to be where he thinks it's okay to bang a chick in his bed when his wife will be home any moment?

I know it's comlicated and slow, but we're all adults. At some point in the taking clothes off process you'd want something to click that "this is wrong".

missyishere

I would like to believe I could try out therapy to help my marriage after infidelity, but I think my insecurities and anxiety would hinder moving past the trust break.  I love my DH, and I vowed to be with him forever, but I couldn't look at him the same knowing he cheated.  In my bed we were TTC in?  Hell f'ucking no.

bigbootyjudi

I think it depends on their relationship. I mean, who knows what else is going on? Not that that would justify his actions, but I doubt the entire picture is being painted, KWIM?

At this point in our relationship, there would be no way I would get over SO cheating....especially not in my own house, in my own bed. That is a level of disrespect that I don't think we could ever come back from. 

I agree with everyone else, she definitely doesn't "owe" him anything.

klondikebar

RondackHiker:

LoisLayn23:

It's not as elementary as "there's a problem in my marriage so I'll go bang this chick.". It is probably a slow disconnect and a slower feeling of missing something.

How slow of a disconnect does there need to be where he thinks it's okay to bang a chick in his bed when his wife will be home any moment? I know it's comlicated and slow, but we're all adults. At some point in the taking clothes off process you'd want something to click that "this is wrong".

ITA Everyone knows cheating is wrong. I just don't understand the cheater's thought process. "Hey, my marriage is troubled and instead of fixing it or moving on, I'm going to make the situation worse by cheating. That sounds like a brilliant plan."

RondackHiker

LoisLayn23:

RondackHiker:

LoisLayn23:

It's not as elementary as "there's a problem in my marriage so I'll go bang this chick.". It is probably a slow disconnect and a slower feeling of missing something.

How slow of a disconnect does there need to be where he thinks it's okay to bang a chick in his bed when his wife will be home any moment? I know it's comlicated and slow, but we're all adults. At some point in the taking clothes off process you'd want something to click that "this is wrong".

Banging someone in your bed is different. Then again, I think there are different levels of cheating so...

I agree with that. I don't think we're that far off. I'm so angry on her behalf.

LuckyDad

Side note: Too many posters on the SAHM board have default avatars! Makes it hard to keep them straight! Don't they have lurker needs in mind?

acaudill75

My mom bought us our mattress set that cost about 3k while I was pregnant with DD2. If he did that to my mattress, I would murder him on it.

Otherwise, it would depend. I have two girls, and I wouldn't want them to think that it is ok to be treated like that, but DH is a really good dad to them, so I have would probably try to work it out first. I think a physical relationship like OP mentioned would be tough pill to swallow, but I would try.

If he showed no remorse and was a douche about it, I would make him pay through the nose. If he remorseful and made a concerted effort to fix whatever was broken in him that led him to cheat, then I would try until it either worked or didn't work.

chardonnay24

It would be a deal breaker for me. If she wants to do counseling and try to save her marriage, that's her business. I don't think that she owes him a thing, however.