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NTTGPR- am I being unreasonable?

The board seems full of silly posts that require ute goggles so I thought I'd post something not-baby-related.

My sister is 22 and in the Air Force. About a month ago, she started dating a guy who is 20 years old who is also in the Air Force. A week later, they were engaged. A week after that, the wedding would be next year at the earliest. Then last week, it was moved up to... June 21 of this year. As in.. two months away. Y'all, we have never even met this boy and know nothing about him or his family. So I've been giving her a really hard time basically, because this is my baby sister and I think it is insane to move that fast. Especially when you haven't met each other's families. They scheduled a visit here for Memorial Day weekend... they will be here for less than 48 hours. Our dad won't even be here so he will not get to meet the guy his daughter is marrying and he is understandably upset about this. So most of us will get to meet him. I don't think they are going to meet his family at all.

Now the fiance is really acting like a little kid and making passive aggressive posts about me on facebook because I won't just "support them." I do know that we all have to make our own mistakes and ultimately she is going to do what she wants, which at this point looks like moving forward with getting married on June 21. With no family present. Am I really just a b!tch for telling her how I really feel, and not wanting to just offer all my support and congratulations??? They've only been together for a month. She says they have known each other for maybe 8 or 9 months. But seriously, how well can you know someone if you don't even know their family? Don't even know where they came from or how they were raised??

I'm just kinda at my wit's end. I love my sister, so much, and last year she pulled this same thing with another guy she met in the air force, and he broke her heart. They were going to get married too without anyone meeting him. I don't want her to go through it again, and if she marries this guy I'm afraid that will happen, just at a later time when it hurts even more. 

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Re: NTTGPR- am I being unreasonable?

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    I dont think you are being unreasonable in your feelings.  This is an awful situation really.

    If it were me I would continue to voice my concerns.  You are very right though, she will do what she wants to do and at a certain point the only thing you can do is accept it if you want to hold on to any relationship with your sister.  It is unfortunate that him knowing her family isnt very important to her.

    Anyway, you are in the right to be concerned, I wish there was a set way to handle this.

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    imagethemrsJRD:
    But seriously, how well can you know someone if you don't even know their family? Don't even know where they came from or how they were raised??

    Although I understand your concerns and can agree that things are probably happening too fast, I have to be honest -- your obsession with her meeting his family is strange to me. Certainly family is important to a lot of people, and it sounds like your family is very important to you. But I knew I was going to marry my husband before I met anyone in his family. It wouldn't have mattered if his mother was an ignorant piece of crap (which, by the way, sometimes she kind of is). How a person was raised does not necessarily mean anything. There are people who come from f-ed up circumstances and end up perfectly normal. And vice versa -- people from amazing upbringings can turn out to be jerks. 

    All of that being said, I think the best thing for you to do is express your concerns in a loving way but ultimately accept that she is an adult and needs to make her own choices, no matter what. And offer her your blessings. Otherwise, you are risking your relationship with her. Whom she chooses to marry really doesn't have anything to do with you or anyone else except her and her husband.

    ETA: Shortened Summary: Your feelings are not unreasonable. But you have to deal with them in a responsible, mature way. You can be upset, but you still need to accept her choice.

     

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    My cousin was in the marines and met a girl where he was stationed in Missouri. He got engaged within a month of meeting her. He said it was bc he wanted to be able to live with her. That's why they were getting married. He said that's why a lot of his friends rushed into marriages. So they can live together and have rights as a married couple while in the military. To each their own, I guess. He was my cousin, so I wasn't as emotionally invested as if he were my brother. You have a right to be concerned. No one knows this guy! He's immature. Can't even drink legally at his own wedding!

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    I knew DH for 6 months before we started "dating". A month later, we were living together and got engaged. Two weeks after that I got pregnant with DS. I hadn't met his family but he had met mine. i met his Family when I was 3 months pregnant. I still haven't met his mom because she lives across the country. We've been together almost 4 years, married almost 2 and are happier than ever.

    I understand your concern for your sister and you have every right to feel the way you do. With that being said, it's her life, you have to let her live it. If it's a mistake and it doesn't work, unfortunately that's just something she's going to have to deal with. But for you to doom the relationship because it moved fast isn't really fair. Sure, the odds are against them but, You live and learn.

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    I am sorry you are going through this, it is hard to watch someone you love and care about get hurt. I have 2 younger brothers so I can kind of understand where you are coming from, I have watched them get their hearts broken and vice versa, all you can really do is tell her how you feel and why you feel that way, love her, and support her either way and if heaven forbid it falls apart, be there to help her pick up the pieces without saying " I told you so".  

    Because like you said, ultimately she will choose what she is going to do whether or not you or anyone else wants her too. Looking back I can't tell you how many times I wish I had listened seriously to what my brothers had been saying, but hindsight is 20/20 as they say. Good Luck! 

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    imagekrptcmschfmkr128:
    imageNariaDreaming:

    I don't think you're being unreasonable, but as you said- people have to make their own decisions and mistakes. I have a friend who called me on July 1 and told me she was getting married the first weekend of August. This was back in 2007, and they were YOUNG (like 19 and 20 young). They had only met that year in college. 

    Almost 6 years and a baby later, they're still going strong- and one of the few couples that got married "young" in my circle that are still together.  


    You may not be comfortable with the speed of things, but at the end of the day she's still your baby sister and she NEEDS you right now. You don't have to crap a rainbow for them, but let her know that you're there for HER, and you will always stand by HER. 

    I agree with this. Also, I've learned that sometimes in the military, things just happen quickly because of the "unknown." Is it possible one of them is getting deployed so wants to move things along?

     

    Both of these. Plus if one is coming down on orders, there's no recourse if they're just dating. If they're married, there is a program they would be in that aims to station married couples in the same area. Military life is crazy to say the least.

     

    eta: My family met my husband after we had been engaged for a good long while, due to his training schedule. Seem of my relatives didn't meet him till the wedding.  

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    imagepeanut+muse:

    imagethemrsJRD:
    But seriously, how well can you know someone if you don't even know their family? Don't even know where they came from or how they were raised??

    Although I understand your concerns and can agree that things are probably happening too fast, I have to be honest -- your obsession with her meeting his family is strange to me. Certainly family is important to a lot of people, and it sounds like your family is very important to you. But I knew I was going to marry my husband before I met anyone in his family. It wouldn't have mattered if his mother was an ignorant piece of crap (which, by the way, sometimes she kind of is). How a person was raised does not necessarily mean anything. There are people who come from f-ed up circumstances and end up perfectly normal. And vice versa -- people from amazing upbringings can turn out to be jerks. 

    All of that being said, I think the best thing for you to do is express your concerns in a loving way but ultimately accept that she is an adult and needs to make her own choices, no matter what. And offer her your blessings. Otherwise, you are risking your relationship with her. Whom she chooses to marry really doesn't have anything to do with you or anyone else except her and her husband.

    ETA: Shortened Summary: Your feelings are not unreasonable. But you have to deal with them in a responsible, mature way. You can be upset, but you still need to accept her choice.

     

     

    I don't think I'm obsessed with her meeting his family. I think she should want to meet his family. But more than that, I feel like they should want to meet her. My concern is that if they don't care to meet her now and he wants to marry her, how will they care for her once they are married? How would they care for their children? I don't want her to marry into a family that doesn't give a crap about her. Maybe I feel this way because I have really awesome in laws who have been really great to me and I don't know what I would do without them. I want her to have the same experience. And if they don't even want to force the issue of meeting her before they are married, it doesn't seem likely that she will have that experience.

    You are correct though.. I don't want to risk my relationship with her. She is the person I am closest to, besides my husband. 

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    I understand your concerns but in situations like this the more you lecture her the more she is going to turn to him and AWAY from you. While I agree there is a chance this guy is no good there is also more of a chance that the Air Force has made him a good or better man than he already was. Support her. Love her. And know that even short courtships have the possibility to turn into long and happy marriages.
    I KNEW three months into dating my husband that he was the one. We only waited to our second anniversary to get married because we didn't want to hear it was too soon. I would have married him even if my parents had never met him ..my extended family had only seen him once...
    Trust your sister and be there for her. If it is a mistake it is her mistake and you can't save her from that.
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    I would feel the same way, but not much you can do, other than let your sister make this decision. Last thing you should do is alienate her though.

    Dh's cousin did something similar in December. At our wedding in May 2012, his cousin had JUST broken off his engagement with his fianc? (like literally the day before) and then at the beginning of December, dh's aunt texts and says we're invited to come to some "reception" dinner at some gross restaurant because his cousin is getting married on 12/12/12...to ANOTHER girl. They had been dating all of 3 months and basically decided to get married because they wanted the wedding date 12/12/12. So weird to me! I was more pissed about having to give some random girl a wedding gift though, since these aren't my close relatives.

     If it were my sister, I'd definitely have given my opinion, but I guess I wouldn't want her to stop talking to me either, because I'd want to know what was going on in her life, especially in case she needed me.


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    imageDeLovely2009:
    imagekrptcmschfmkr128:
    imageNariaDreaming:

    I don't think you're being unreasonable, but as you said- people have to make their own decisions and mistakes. I have a friend who called me on July 1 and told me she was getting married the first weekend of August. This was back in 2007, and they were YOUNG (like 19 and 20 young). They had only met that year in college. 

    Almost 6 years and a baby later, they're still going strong- and one of the few couples that got married "young" in my circle that are still together.  


    You may not be comfortable with the speed of things, but at the end of the day she's still your baby sister and she NEEDS you right now. You don't have to crap a rainbow for them, but let her know that you're there for HER, and you will always stand by HER. 

    I agree with this. Also, I've learned that sometimes in the military, things just happen quickly because of the "unknown." Is it possible one of them is getting deployed so wants to move things along?

     

    Both of these. Plus if one is coming down on orders, there's no recourse if they're just dating. If they're married, there is a program they would be in that aims to station married couples in the same area. Military life is crazy to say the least.

    As far as I know, no deployments coming up, or new orders. She actually has less than a year left and we were looking forward to her coming home next March. Once they were engaged, I knew that wouldn't happen. But he has like 4 years left in service.  

    And, they are already living together, so unless he did end up deployed, there's nothing that would change that.

    Meh. All of you have great advice and experiences. I more or less know what I need to do (be there for her), I just really wish they wouldn't do things this way.

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    imagethemrsJRD:

     

    I don't think I'm obsessed with her meeting his family. I think she should want to meet his family. But more than that, I feel like they should want to meet her. My concern is that if they don't care to meet her now and he wants to marry her, how will they care for her once they are married? How would they care for their children? I don't want her to marry into a family that doesn't give a crap about her.

    Well, I still think you are a little obsessed. You mentioned it four times in your OP. 

    And to your next point, how do you know that they don't care to meet her? Let me put it this way. Just because your father isn't going to be there when she visits your family doesn't mean that he doesn't want to meet the guy -- it just means that circumstances won't allow it. Perhaps it is the same way with his family. It's just not possible in the short amount of time. To be honest, it sounds like you are making a lot of assumptions here.

     

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    imagekrptcmschfmkr128:
    imagethemrsJRD:


     

    I don't think I'm obsessed with her meeting his family. I think she should want to meet his family. But more than that, I feel like they should want to meet her. My concern is that if they don't care to meet her now and he wants to marry her, how will they care for her once they are married? How would they care for their children? I don't want her to marry into a family that doesn't give a crap about her. Maybe I feel this way because I have really awesome in laws who have been really great to me and I don't know what I would do without them. I want her to have the same experience. And if they don't even want to force the issue of meeting her before they are married, it doesn't seem likely that she will have that experience.

    You are correct though.. I don't want to risk my relationship with her. She is the person I am closest to, besides my husband. 

    How do you know they don't want to meet her? Just because they haven't met her before the wedding doesn't mean they won't love/like her any less.

    ETA: It sounds like you trying to make issues that aren't there appear. Don't do that. Just be there for your sister if something does happen.

     

    I've asked her several times, even before they decided to get married in June, whether they had plans to visit his family. They never said they did. Since they moved it up, I have asked and asked. And asked how they felt about it. Asked if they wanted to meet her. She has never answered, which is her equivalent of not having an answer. 

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    imagekrptcmschfmkr128:

    How do you know they don't want to meet her? Just because they haven't met her before the wedding doesn't mean they won't love/like her any less.

    ETA: It sounds like you trying to make issues that aren't there appear. Don't do that. Just be there for your sister if something does happen.

    ITA, kmm.

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    imagethemrsJRD:

    I've asked her several times, even before they decided to get married in June, whether they had plans to visit his family. They never said they did. Since they moved it up, I have asked and asked. And asked how they felt about it. Asked if they wanted to meet her. She has never answered, which is her equivalent of not having an answer. 

    Perhaps his family is having the same reaction as yours?

    Does that make them bad people?

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    imagethemrsJRD:
    imagepeanut+muse:

    imagethemrsJRD:
    But seriously, how well can you know someone if you don't even know their family? Don't even know where they came from or how they were raised??

    Although I understand your concerns and can agree that things are probably happening too fast, I have to be honest -- your obsession with her meeting his family is strange to me. Certainly family is important to a lot of people, and it sounds like your family is very important to you. But I knew I was going to marry my husband before I met anyone in his family. It wouldn't have mattered if his mother was an ignorant piece of crap (which, by the way, sometimes she kind of is). How a person was raised does not necessarily mean anything. There are people who come from f-ed up circumstances and end up perfectly normal. And vice versa -- people from amazing upbringings can turn out to be jerks.&nbsp;

    All of that being said, I think the best thing for you to do is express your concerns in a loving way but ultimately accept that she is an adult and needs to make her own choices, no matter what. And offer her your blessings. Otherwise, you are risking your relationship with her. Whom she chooses to marry really doesn't have anything to do with you or anyone else except her and her husband.

    ETA: Shortened Summary: Your feelings are not unreasonable. But you have to deal with them in a responsible, mature way. You can be upset, but you still need to accept her choice.

    &nbsp;

    &nbsp;

    I don't think I'm obsessed with her meeting his family. I think she should want to meet his family. But more than that, I feel like they should want to meet her. My concern is that if they don't care to meet her now and he wants to marry her, how will they care for her once they are married? How would they care for their children? I don't want her to marry into a family that doesn't give a crap about her. Maybe I feel this way because I have really awesome in laws who have been really great to me and I don't know what I would do without them. I want her to have the same experience. And if they don't even want to force the issue of meeting her before they are married, it doesn't seem likely that she will have that experience.

    You are correct though.. I don't want to risk my relationship with her. She is the person I am closest to, besides my husband.&nbsp;



    If people picked their spouse baised on the quality if their future inlaws there would be a wholr lot less marriages.
    My 50 of my inlaws are crazy and 100 of my family are nuts.....my husband should have run away like his hair was on fire!!! He didn't base his love or desire to marry me on what my family was like. When we married we created a family of our own. Maybe this man does or doesn't have an amazing family ...sure its awesome if they are great but certainty not a reason to leave someone.
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    imagekrptcmschfmkr128:

    Or she could be sick of you trying to pry because it really isn't any of your business.

    We are 100% on the same page here.

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    imagepeanut+muse:
    imagethemrsJRD:

    I've asked her several times, even before they decided to get married in June, whether they had plans to visit his family. They never said they did. Since they moved it up, I have asked and asked. And asked how they felt about it. Asked if they wanted to meet her. She has never answered, which is her equivalent of not having an answer. 

    Perhaps his family is having the same reaction as yours?

    Does that make them bad people?

    Maybe I'm not explaining myself correctly, because I would be BEYOND relieved if his family was having the same reaction as mine. That would mean they care. That is what I want to know, if they care at all.

    I'm not saying everything she does is my business, but it would be incredibly reassuring to know that the family she is marrying into gives a sh!t about her. I know people don't base marriages off the potential in-laws. My family is far from perfect. I am not expecting them to be perfect. I just want them to care about her.

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    Yeah, you probably need to back off here.

    You are right, this is likely a terrible decision. But it is hers to make. Constant questioning and judgement isn't going to make her change her mind, it will just damage your relationship. She is an adult. And an airman. She has the right to make terrible decisions.

    She knows how you feel. I'm sure it's crystal clear to her. Now you have to get out if the way and let her live her life, even though I know your heart is broken.
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    imagerockopera:
    Yeah, you probably need to back off here. You are right, this is likely a terrible decision. But it is hers to make. Constant questioning and judgement isn't going to make her change her mind, it will just damage your relationship. She is an adult. And an airman. She has the right to make terrible decisions. She knows how you feel. I'm sure it's crystal clear to her. Now you have to get out if the way and let her live her life, even though I know your heart is broken.

     

    Thank you. Your comment really hit home with me... you're right, and I don't think I realized how right until you stated it- underneath my anger and frustration, I am really, really hurt and afraid for her.

     

    I am going to call her after work. Thank you all very much for your time/responses...

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    imageGhostMonkey:

    You, you, you, you, you.

    THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

    You are being an unreasonable biitch. You are whining because your ADULT sister isn't doing what you want her to do when you want her to do it in the way you think it should be done.

    I laughed at "She's getting out and coming home! SQUEEEE!". Really? Are you positive that was her plan? Many times they don't go back to their hometown, especially when there are meddling family members that can't mind their own business and respect that they are adults capable of running their own lives.

     

     

    Really??? I knew she was planning on coming home because her plan was to come live with me! HER PLAN, not mine. She asked if she could live with us while she went to school, and of course I said yes. If she thought I meddled, surely she wouldn't want to live with me where I see her every coming & going. I don't meddle in her life, we tell each other everything. Which is why I've been stating my opinion on the matter. I'm not upset because she isn't coming home, although not just me but my entire family was looking forward to it. I can go visit her anytime, which I have done before and will continue doing.

    I am not whining, I am concerned because I don't want her to get hurt.

    I do thank you for your opinion though, as that is what I was asking for.  

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    I think your a little out of line to be giving her a hard time. Some people just know. I knew I would marry my current husband on our second date and we were married after knowing each other for less than a year. Hearbreak can happen at any time whether its a long relationship or a newer one. My first husband and I were together for years before we got married after we got married he totally changed and turned out to be seriously abusive. Some ones family doesnt make them who they are. I have an uncle who killed a man thats not who I am. If he's good to her and she's happy share her joy.
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    I feel the need to say something else...

    FWIW, I would probably have similar feelings if this was my sister. But I would also expect people here to slap some sense into me. I do think you know what you have to do, and I hope you've gotten some different perspectives here that maybe you hadn't considered.

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    I agree with this.  My cousin has been in the military for five years and he is on his fourth marriage with two children by two women- he is only 27.  They do get really lonely and things move entirely too fast.  But like other posters have said, you can't do much about other than tell her how you feel and support her in the end.
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    imagepeanut+muse:

    imagethemrsJRD:
    But seriously, how well can you know someone if you don't even know their family? Don't even know where they came from or how they were raised??

    Although I understand your concerns and can agree that things are probably happening too fast, I have to be honest -- your obsession with her meeting his family is strange to me. Certainly family is important to a lot of people, and it sounds like your family is very important to you. But I knew I was going to marry my husband before I met anyone in his family. It wouldn't have mattered if his mother was an ignorant piece of crap (which, by the way, sometimes she kind of is). How a person was raised does not necessarily mean anything. There are people who come from f-ed up circumstances and end up perfectly normal. And vice versa -- people from amazing upbringings can turn out to be jerks. 

    All of that being said, I think the best thing for you to do is express your concerns in a loving way but ultimately accept that she is an adult and needs to make her own choices, no matter what. And offer her your blessings. Otherwise, you are risking your relationship with her. Whom she chooses to marry really doesn't have anything to do with you or anyone else except her and her husband.

    ETA: Shortened Summary: Your feelings are not unreasonable. But you have to deal with them in a responsible, mature way. You can be upset, but you still need to accept her choice.

     

    My sister in law married a man that she had known for about 6 months prior to getting married. We never met his family and at the wedding the only people attending were my MIL, FIL, other SIL, myself & my husband. He said his family could not make the trip to the wedding. 1 month later they were divorced, turns out the grooms parents did not even know he was engaged, let alone married. My husbands parents supported the marriage even though they had never met the grooms family and had reservations about the courtship. The whole ordeal has been costly and caused a lot of emotional stress. I certainly can't stop by children from marrying who they want, but I can and will voice my concerns in hopes that they think things through a little more before making such big decisions. Knowing the family of the person you are marrying is not the most important thing but it is a very important thing IMO.
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    imageNariaDreaming:


    You may not be comfortable with the speed of things, but at the end of the day she's still your baby sister and she NEEDS you right now. You don't have to crap a rainbow for them, but let her know that you're there for HER, and you will always stand by HER. 

    This. My brother did almost the exact same thing your sister plans to do and his relationships with others in the family have never really recovered.

    I don't think you are being unreasonable, but you need to decide if this is worth ruining your relationship with your sister over. 

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    My sister is my best friend and possibly my favorite person on earth.  I hated the guy she dated for years, and she knew that I hated him.  However, I was always very polite and welcomed him into my home and treated him, and them as a couple, the same way I would have if I actually liked him.  Yes, it sounds like this is a horrible decision.  However, one of my best friends is married to a man she met on vacation and spent a total of 2 weeks in person and 4 months on skype before the wedding.  Sometimes, when you know, you know.

    Even if this is an awful decision, questioning her and letting her (and him!) know that you think it's awful is not helping anyone.  If it was my sister, I would be thinking all of the things you are.  I would be screaming on the inside.  But outwardly, the only thing I would tell her is that I love her and that I'm always there for her.  Sure, I would say, "Gosh, I really hate that you can't meet his family, and dad can't meet him before the wedding."  But that would be the extent of it.  Constantly railing on them is only going to push them away from you and give them something else (their combined irritation with you) to bond over.

    I mean, do you think you're doing anything other than driving her further into his arms?  And since you're irritating him, it's pushing them away from you.  Instead of antagonizing, try to learn more about your sister and figure out WHY she rushes into engagements.

    And BTW - if/when this relationship blows up, resist the urge to say "I told you so."

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    It may or may not be a bad decision for your sister but she is an adult. Sometimes we have to stand by and watch our loved ones make mistakes. You have given your opinion and obviously, it was not wanted. I would back off of your opinion and let her know you will be supportive no matter what.
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    I guess my opinion is unpopular but I would react exactly the same as you.  There is absolutely no reason for them to rush into marriage after being together for a month.  I get that you have to let her live her life, but obviously she has some issues if this is the second time she's tried to rush into marriage.  Have you asked her why she needs to get married so badly? 

    If this was my sister, I can't imagine how my family would react.  We are very close.  I also cannot believe PP's saying that his family doesn't matter.  That is ridiculous. I truly believe that when you marry someone, for the most part, you marry their family as well.  They will be apart of your life forever, why wouldn't you make an effort to at least meet them? It seems strange.

    image
    TTC Since July 2012
    BFP #1 11/07/12   M/C 12/11/12
    BFP #2 2/23/13    M/C 03/6/13
                       BFP #3 9/2/13  EDD 05/17/14                     
    Amy Elaine Born May 2!

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    My little sister is engaged to one of the worst people I have EVER met. He got her into drugs, bit and hit her, cheated on her multiple times, and yet she still stays with him and plans on marrying him in the next couple years (if they can stay together that long). It breaks my heart to see someone who has so much potential dragged down by such a loser, but it's her life. She's an adult and has to make her own decisions, even if they turn out to be huge mistakes. I know exactly how you feel, how badly you want to shake your sister and open her eyes, but it's best if you take a step back and let her do her own thing. You obviously love and care about her very much, and right now she needs your support more than anything else.
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    I've been almost exactly where you were, minus the military status.

    My sister went out with her husband for the first time on Easter. Moved in together Memorial weekend.  Fourth of July the were engaged. Married December 1st. 

    I like him well enough and they've made it 5 years.  When she told me, I could hardly be happy for her because I was so scared for her.  For a small portion of time, she lost herself. She agreed with everything he did and adopted all of his hobbies.  In the last few years, things have been tougher because more of her true self is coming out.  The thing I knew about my sister though was that it wouldn't do me any good to say anything. She was going to do what she wanted. I mentioned it like twice and then I left it alone.

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    I am all for whirlwind romances, and marrying if you just know in your gut that he/she is the one. 

    I don't think it is a problem that she hasn't met his family yet.

    However, what raises a red flag for me is that he is posting this drama on facebook!  That is the biggest red flag, in my opinion.  What kind of mature guy does that?  

    Your sister knows you love her, and I think that is what is important.  You should also let her know though, that you'll be there for her no matter what.  

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    imageRocknroll64:

    I also cannot believe PP's saying that his family doesn't matter.  That is ridiculous. I truly believe that when you marry someone, for the most part, you marry their family as well.  They will be apart of your life forever, why wouldn't you make an effort to at least meet them? It seems strange.

    What is ridiculous is to assume that this (bolded) applies to every marriage and every family.

    We've also addressed the fact that it's possible that they are just not able to meet prior to the wedding, but that the OP does not in fact know for sure that they don't want to meet each other. 

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    imageGhostMonkey:
    imageRocknroll64:

    I guess my opinion is unpopular but I would react exactly the same as you.  There is absolutely no reason for them to rush into marriage after being together for a month.  I get that you have to let her live her life, but obviously she has some issues if this is the second time she's tried to rush into marriage.  Have you asked her why she needs to get married so badly? 

    If this was my sister, I can't imagine how my family would react.  We are very close.  I also cannot believe PP's saying that his family doesn't matter.  That is ridiculous. I truly believe that when you marry someone, for the most part, you marry their family as well.  They will be apart of your life forever, why wouldn't you make an effort to at least meet them? It seems strange.

    Who cares why she wants to get married? She's not 15.

    Some people have shitty families that they do not keep in contact with for a reason. You don't marry their families- you marry the person. You (and the OP) have a very naive stance on this issue. You are fortunate that your families are close. Not everyone has that and some people have nothing to do with their in laws. Maybe he doesn't keep in contact with his family for good reason.

    Maybe the reasons they aren't coming back are financialy, or due to schedules, or because maybe someone has been ragging on them since the first mention of the relationship and they don't want to listen to it. Maybe they want something small and simple that takes 10 minutes and it sounds like someone's family wants to make it a huge event.

    I had a friend that I knew her marriage was a huge mistake. But it was her mistake to make and I let her know that I would be there for her no matter what. I am still involved in her life. OP- let's see if you can say that about your sister if you continue your attitude of "Listen to me- I know what's best for you in your life" toward them. Some people have to fall on their face to learn from their mistakes. They don't learn anything from someone constantly catching them on the way down.

     

    If the OP's sister values her family and their opinions then she should be willing to hear them out on their thoughts. She does not have to agree, but still be wiling to listen. For every success story of a marriage that works out when people think it won't there are equally just as many that don't work out. I personally could not sit by and not say anything to someone I care very much for and let them fail just so they can learn from their mistakes. Whether I am going to listen or not, what my family thinks is important to me and will definitely help guide me in making the best decisions for myself. I also have to disagree and think that you do marry your husbands family, at least in my marriage our families are very much a part of our lives whether we like it or not.
    Photobucket
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    imageGhostMonkey:
    imageRocknroll64:

    I guess my opinion is unpopular but I would react exactly the same as you.  There is absolutely no reason for them to rush into marriage after being together for a month.  I get that you have to let her live her life, but obviously she has some issues if this is the second time she's tried to rush into marriage.  Have you asked her why she needs to get married so badly? 

    If this was my sister, I can't imagine how my family would react.  We are very close.  I also cannot believe PP's saying that his family doesn't matter.  That is ridiculous. I truly believe that when you marry someone, for the most part, you marry their family as well.  They will be apart of your life forever, why wouldn't you make an effort to at least meet them? It seems strange.

    Who cares why she wants to get married? She's not 15.

    Some people have shitty families that they do not keep in contact with for a reason. You don't marry their families- you marry the person. You (and the OP) have a very naive stance on this issue. You are fortunate that your families are close. Not everyone has that and some people have nothing to do with their in laws. Maybe he doesn't keep in contact with his family for good reason.

    Maybe the reasons they aren't coming back are financialy, or due to schedules, or because maybe someone has been ragging on them since the first mention of the relationship and they don't want to listen to it. Maybe they want something small and simple that takes 10 minutes and it sounds like someone's family wants to make it a huge event.

    I had a friend that I knew her marriage was a huge mistake. But it was her mistake to make and I let her know that I would be there for her no matter what. I am still involved in her life. OP- let's see if you can say that about your sister if you continue your attitude of "Listen to me- I know what's best for you in your life" toward them. Some people have to fall on their face to learn from their mistakes. They don't learn anything from someone constantly catching them on the way down.

     

    Hey I know you disagree with me and I do see your point.  I was just honestly answering the OP's question because I know that I would react the same way as her if it were my own sister. I guess I am naive to think that marrying a guy after knowing him for a month is a bad idea. I mean look at all the success stories on here.  

    I just wouldn't stand by and fake smile while my sister most likely, makes the biggest mistake of her life.  

    .  


    image
    TTC Since July 2012
    BFP #1 11/07/12   M/C 12/11/12
    BFP #2 2/23/13    M/C 03/6/13
                       BFP #3 9/2/13  EDD 05/17/14                     
    Amy Elaine Born May 2!

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    Just wanted to say again thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences and opinions. We are working through it together and I know we will be fine. Do I agree with her decision.. no. Do I trust this guy? Definitely not. We have a long way to go before I'm there, but that's how I am, it takes me awhile to trust ANYONE'S intentions. Will I be nice and polite to this guy? Absolutely. I'm not a rude or mean person. I will obviously have to get to know him to ever trust him, so I am definitely going to make the effort, despite his lame facebook posts.

    She wants acceptance, and I can give her acceptance, even if I don't agree. If it doesn't work out for her, I would never say "I told you so."  Our relationship isn't like that.

    Thank you all again. 

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    imageRocknroll64:

    I just wouldn't stand by and fake smile while my sister most likely, makes the biggest mistake of her life.  

    .  


    ...or the best decision. The point is, you don't know. And neither does the OP, or her sister. But she is an adult. She gets to make that choice and accept the consequences. I'm sure not every choice you've ever made was the best one.

    I can't believe there are so many people here who would behave like children having temper tantrums over this. And think that somehow that is acceptable behavior.

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    imagepeanut+muse:
    imageRocknroll64:

    I just wouldn't stand by and fake smile while my sister most likely, makes the biggest mistake of her life.  

    .  


    ...or the best decision. The point is, you don't know. And neither does the OP, or her sister. But she is an adult. She gets to make that choice and accept the consequences. I'm sure not every choice you've ever made was the best one.

    I can't believe there are so many people here who would behave like children having temper tantrums over this. And think that somehow that is acceptable behavior.

    I wouldn't have a temper tantrum, but I would be honest with my sister.  I don't know why you think it's so much better to just lie and pretend that it's totally normal to marry someone after knowing them for a month. 


    image
    TTC Since July 2012
    BFP #1 11/07/12   M/C 12/11/12
    BFP #2 2/23/13    M/C 03/6/13
                       BFP #3 9/2/13  EDD 05/17/14                     
    Amy Elaine Born May 2!

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    imagepeanut+muse:
    imageRocknroll64:

    I just wouldn't stand by and fake smile while my sister most likely, makes the biggest mistake of her life.  

    .  


    ...or the best decision. The point is, you don't know. And neither does the OP, or her sister. But she is an adult. She gets to make that choice and accept the consequences. I'm sure not every choice you've ever made was the best one.

    I can't believe there are so many people here who would behave like children having temper tantrums over this. And think that somehow that is acceptable behavior.

    Have you ever seen The Heartbreak Kid? That's what this reminds me of.

    image
    TTC Since July 2012
    BFP #1 11/07/12   M/C 12/11/12
    BFP #2 2/23/13    M/C 03/6/13
                       BFP #3 9/2/13  EDD 05/17/14                     
    Amy Elaine Born May 2!

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    imageRocknroll64:
    I don't know why you think it's so much better to just lie and pretend that it's totally normal to marry someone after knowing them for a month. 


    You must have missed the part where I said she should express her concerns in a loving way.

  • Options
    imagepeanut+muse:
    imageRocknroll64:
    I don't know why you think it's so much better to just lie and pretend that it's totally normal to marry someone after knowing them for a month. 


    You must have missed the part where I said she should express her concerns in a loving way.

    I also must have missed the part where she threw a tantrum. 

    image
    TTC Since July 2012
    BFP #1 11/07/12   M/C 12/11/12
    BFP #2 2/23/13    M/C 03/6/13
                       BFP #3 9/2/13  EDD 05/17/14                     
    Amy Elaine Born May 2!

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