*Sensitive* Can we talk about Mother's Day?

SuzyQq02

I know this might be a sensitive topic for some, so I apologize in advance, I don't intend to upset anyone.

Any thoughts on how you're going to handle the holiday post-loss? I usually, as the "non-mom", host my mom and sister for brunch (we invite my ILs too, but the last couple years FIL has been working and MIL doesn't drive on the highway, so we've done something separate for them). But I'm really not feeling it this year, as I'm sure some of you ladies understand.

I don't know what to do, but we need to make a decision soon!

PatientlyWaiting10

My first Mother's Day post FIRST loss was extremely difficult.  I definitely cried a lot....  Like PP said, I wanted to make it more about my mom and show my appreciation to her but it was still hard... (((hugs))) for all of you!!!

Bethanyvsmith12

I have a question about mother's day. Yes it will be painful for me, but I feel like I want to do something special for my SIL. We both had miscarriages within a week. She also has a ds. I feel like she really deserves an amazing day. 

Is there anything I could do for her? 

LunaBug924

Bookshelves:

I just keep repeating as my mantra that 1) it's not my time, it's about my mother, and she's worth recognizing, and 2) usually things aren't as bad as I've built them up in my mind. I have a wonderful mother and I'm grateful to have her; I know so many people aren't as lucky. 

Books, thanks for this, it's a really great way to think about it.

It's been on my mind too, and DH just asked me yesterday if I'll be OK that day (which was really sweet). The fact that he even acknowledged it meant a lot to me, since in our minds we already see ourselves as parents.

Suzy, if your mom and sister know about your loss, do you think you could mention to them that you're not up for hosting this year? Maybe you can go out instead, this way it takes some of the pressure off? Just a suggestion, but I hope you can find something that makes you comfortable. ((Hugs))

Poppy715

I wish I could just swing by and drop off their card and gifts. I know both my mom and MIL think I'm retreating and pulling away from everyone. Maybe we can do a bug brunch or BBQ. Ireally have no plans for them yet.

uneek1323

Both my mother and DH's mother live 3,000 miles away. We send them gifts and then call them on Mother's Day.

As for me, last year we celebrated by not doing a thing. DH made breakfast and then we watched movies all day. This year, I'm thinking about planting a certain kind of bush that blooms three times a year (for my 3 angels) but I have to find it first.

 

If our mothers lived close by I think I would feel the same ways as bookshelves. Our mothers are wonderful mothers and have always been and they deserve the recognition and then, privately at home later, I would recognize myself as a mother in a different way.

mmedov01

Oyyyyy. We usually host a brunch every year for our moms. Since my SIL had a baby she asked if they can host it this year. I don't mind, but I feel so down that I will be only one not a mom. To make it even harder it is coming to 1 year mark since my fist loss.

HUGS everyone!

lindsebert

Well my mom lives clear across the country and has for the last 9 years. It's hard not seeing her and making her feel special on her day, but with this being my first mother's day post loss and it being 2 days before my EDD, I think it will be easier not doing a big celebration. Not sure what we will do for MIL, but I doubt it's anything big.

The coming weeks are going to suck for me, plain and simple. I hope this time goes as well as can be expected for all. ((hugs))

EKGibs

Last Mothers Day was horrible since I was supposed to be 6 months pregnant. This Mothers Day, instead of having a 9 month old, I'm still not pregnant, & probably won't be until we do IVF. So I'm avoiding this day all together & going to the beach to get away from the real world. 

 I hope you figure out something that will help you get through this day!(((hugs)))

Lauren659

We would have been 14 weeks on Mother's Day and planned on announcing then, and the thought of it looming is hard. I almost lost it at hallmark picking out a card for my mom and MIL when i saw a mother to be card.

I think I'm going to do something low key like help my mother in her garden or take her to brunch. I agree with Bookshelves, I need to remind myself this is my mother's day, not mine and she deserves it.

samjen2010

My DH and I are avoiding interactions with other people that day as much as possible. We're skipping church, going hiking and will picnic so we don't have to be around all the families out at restaurants. We don't live near either of our families so that makes it easier. I am sending a gift and card to my mother and will probably call her the day before. If I was in your situation, I'd probably suggest going out if possible or ask someone else to host so you can have a break this year. (hugs)

SuzyQq02

Sorry to post and ghost, ladies... darn work interfering with bumping!

Thank you for all your thoughtful responses. I'm struggling with feeling like a selfish wench, because my mom, sister and MIL are all wonderful people and moms and deserve to be celebrated, but I'm just not sure I can make it through a big to-do right now. (It doesn't help that in the last few years I've lost two other "mother" figures in my life, my aunt and my memere, so the whole affair was tinged with sadness anyway... I actually cried in Target last year when I realized I only had one card to buy when I used to have 3.) Outsourcing is a good idea.

And again, thanks for opening up about this. I appreciate your candor!

SuperKim13

((HUGS)) to all.  This has been on my mind a lot lately.  I also usually host brunch for my mom, step-mom, and MIL.  I am the only one (other than the moms themselves) who has a house, so not sure who I'd outsource it to.  Maybe this will be a restaurant year...  I am just being non-committal at the moment.

Poppy715

It's such a fine line to tread. I feel like I should be allowed the day to be sad and cry if I want to. But I also know that isn't fair to my mom and MIL. I have invited both along with my sister and grandmother over to my home for brunch. No men invited. It should be nice and a good time to spend together without doing too much. I secretly want H to acknowledge that it is Mother's Day for me and get me a card or flowers or something. I know it's not fair to expect things without telling him first or clueing him in but it would be nice.

mayonegg

As some of the oldies know, my mom is a piece of work. I invited my mom, step-mom and MIL (and families) to come to a musical (I'm paying, cause I'm in it) and then go out to dinner. Everyone is in except my mother who "has plans." So I'm going to treat the other two to a show and dinner and probably send my actual mom something and call her. (She'll be mad about the fact that I took the other two out to dinner, too, eventhough she was invited, so I'll have to listen to that.)

As you can see, my family has no real concern for me. I don't even think they remember that I had a miscarriage, or should have a one month old on Mother's Day. No one said a word to me around my EDD. So, for the sake of family, I'll spend the day denying it myself, trying to make everyone else happy and then probably have a break down at night. 

But at least I know what hell it will be and I can make sarcastic comments about it

((((HUGS)))) to everyone 

Poppy715

I'm so sorry janissylves. ((hugs))

LydsieMarie7

This will be my first post-loss Mother's Day (thankfully it doesn't fall on my birthday this year!) but it's also about the time where I could take an HPT for this cycle. In my mind I think "Mother's Day would be epic for getting a pos HPT" but I also think..."what if I get a BFN? that would make it the worst Mother's Day post-loss ever". So I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do. Depends partly on when FF confirms O and then on the amount of guts I have on that Day. 

 Besides that I will probably Skype with our 3 mothers at some point. Being in China makes it a bit easier because nobody here really celebrates American Mother's Day. Plus none of my students know about our loss so I won't be getting any texts from them, thankfully. 

But I will probably do a bit of crying either way. 

MamaWombat

samjen2010:

My DH and I are avoiding interactions with other people that day as much as possible. We're skipping church, going hiking and will picnic so we don't have to be around all the families out at restaurants. We don't live near either of our families so that makes it easier. I am sending a gift and card to my mother and will probably call her the day before. If I was in your situation, I'd probably suggest going out if possible or ask someone else to host so you can have a break this year. (hugs)

 Ooof, yes, church is definitely going to be hard. My parish periodically has a blessing for pregnant women at the end of mass, where they ask them to come up to the front and ask about their due dates and stuff - it's really hard to watch. I didn't even think about the fact that mother's day is probably going to be that times ten. Maybe I'll go hiking too.

 My mom and MIL both live a very long ways away, so we'll send cards and call, but otherwise get to at least bypass difficult family gatherings. 

MamaWombat

janissylves:

As some of the oldies know, my mom is a piece of work. I invited my mom, step-mom and MIL (and families) to come to a musical (I'm paying, cause I'm in it) and then go out to dinner. Everyone is in except my mother who "has plans." So I'm going to treat the other two to a show and dinner and probably send my actual mom something and call her. (She'll be mad about the fact that I took the other two out to dinner, too, eventhough she was invited, so I'll have to listen to that.)

As you can see, my family has no real concern for me. I don't even think they remember that I had a miscarriage, or should have a one month old on Mother's Day. No one said a word to me around my EDD. So, for the sake of family, I'll spend the day denying it myself, trying to make everyone else happy and then probably have a break down at night. 

But at least I know what hell it will be and I can make sarcastic comments about it

((((HUGS)))) to everyone 

((((hugs, hugs, and more hugs))))

Saritaota614

(((hugs))) Suzy! 

I haven't really given it much thought. 

I'm sure it will be a somber day for me, but I plan to visit my mom, who makes everything better! 

I've been thinking about getting a loss necklace... maybe that will be my mother's day gift to myself.

My mom, sister, niece and Granny are all planning a fun painting date at a wine/paint studio. (on a different day) so hopefully looking forward to that will distract.  

Adam2010

I would have been pregnant last Mother's Day if I did not have my second loss and now this Mother's Day my sister is pregnant instead of me. This is NOT going to be the best Mother's Day I can assume. I hope I am wrong- I am trying to look at it as being happy for my sister bc I am but at the same time I am sad that I am not pregnant right along side her or have my ten month old. ugh!

Huge Hugs to the rest of you ladies! I know this day is hard for many! 

Eliz77

I haven't thought about this being my 1st Mother's Day post-loss. It is the 1st Mother's Day since my Grandma died, and my mom, who is far from an overly emotinal person, has dropped hints about dreading this holiday, so I am more wrapped up in that. I guess it is a distraction, one I really, really wish was not available.

Jska40

::lurking::

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. In my opinion we are all mothers and the day is meant to celebrate and honor those mothers that sacrifice, protect and love their children. Just because our babies are angels doesn't change the fact that we were all mothers for whatever length of time. We sacrificed our bodies, did whatever we could to protect them and still love them despite them not being here with us.

The day is still going to be unbelievably hard to get through, but I plan on going away for the weekend and taking time to myself to celebrate the fact that I was a mother.

Junebug060609

I just wanted to send hugs to all of you.  As Jska put so well, every single one of you are mothers. 

I came across this article and thought I'd share it with you all.  I especially like the opening quote:

"A mother is not defined by the number of children you see, but by the love that she holds in her heart" ~Franchesca Cox  (I'm so putting that as my status on FB on Mothers Day)

https://stillstandingmag.com/2013/04/healing-mothers-day/

FeinBride09

ShellyM2011:

It's such a fine line to tread. I feel like I should be allowed the day to be sad and cry if I want to. But I also know that isn't fair to my mom and MIL. I have invited both along with my sister and grandmother over to my home for brunch. No men invited. It should be nice and a good time to spend together without doing too much. I secretly want H to acknowledge that it is Mother's Day for me and get me a card or flowers or something. I know it's not fair to expect things without telling him first or clueing him in but it would be nice.

I totally relate with this Shelly! I feel like I should be allowed to be sad that day, knowing I should be 7 months along now and celebrating. I wish DH would somehow, in a really small way, even if its just a hug and an "I love you" in the am, but really not sure if he will . . . But I also want to celebrate my mom who lives 7 hrs away, so we'll see. Trying to psyche myself up to go get a card. Ugh. And to make matters worse, AF is due that day as well - so talk about a dbl slap in the face. Thinking of asking DH to take me to do something fun and touristy in town like we always talk about, or a swamp tour on an air boat or something to get our minds off of it. Would be fun . . . But I do know I'll be thinking of all you ladies that day as well and fx and wishing baby dust to everyone struggling. 

mayonegg

MamaWombat:

janissylves:

As some of the oldies know, my mom is a piece of work. I invited my mom, step-mom and MIL (and families) to come to a musical (I'm paying, cause I'm in it) and then go out to dinner. Everyone is in except my mother who "has plans." So I'm going to treat the other two to a show and dinner and probably send my actual mom something and call her. (She'll be mad about the fact that I took the other two out to dinner, too, eventhough she was invited, so I'll have to listen to that.)

As you can see, my family has no real concern for me. I don't even think they remember that I had a miscarriage, or should have a one month old on Mother's Day. No one said a word to me around my EDD. So, for the sake of family, I'll spend the day denying it myself, trying to make everyone else happy and then probably have a break down at night. 

But at least I know what hell it will be and I can make sarcastic comments about it

((((HUGS)))) to everyone 

((((hugs, hugs, and more hugs))))

sorry if i bummed everyone out, i'm actually ok with it - for me, if i prepare for the worst it helps also, sarcasm and jokes help!! 

SuzyQq02

Bookshelves:

Can I retract my earlier answer? MIL changed her mind; we're doing the big country-club brunch after all. :-

I'm with you, Shelly -- I really wish DH (*anyone* really, but especially him) would recognize that it might not be an easy day for me. But I really doubt that will happen.

I think I need to print off my first answer and carry it around in my pocket for reference. 

 

Oh, books! Big hugs. I'm sorry things are working out that way.

I feel you ladies on the husband thing. I know its totally unfair for me to put any kind of expectation on him and I certainly won't be mad at him about it if/when he doesnt say anything. But I am planning on getting myself something to celebrate our little one!