I thought things were better...

ShalomLani

I miscarried the beginning February during my 3rd month.  It took almost 3 weeks until I had a D&C. My HCG levels simply were not dropping fast enough, and I was terrified of having to wait any longer and risk the aftermath while I was in school full time or if I happened to be at drill for the Army. As it is, I still have a month left of school, and even after my D&C, I still had high hormone levels. They did not officially drop below 5 until the 10th of April!

 It took a couple weeks before I could see or hear anything baby without bursting into tears. My poor husband and his dad didn't know what to do. Luckily, my mom flew out from MA to CA the day of my D&C (she arrived late that night), and stayed for almost a full week.

 Until a couple weeks ago, I thought I was doing so much better. But now, I'm seeing that my cousin's wife is pregnant with their first baby, and recently, she had posted on FB that she was able to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Once again, I was reduced to tears. I had been notified of my miscarriage during my 2nd ultrasound when I should have been hearing the heartbeat. Instead, I was informed that I would have to see my doctor...they wouldn't even show me the screen that day, unlike the week before where we had seen the baby, but no heartbeat had been detected. At first, we thought maybe I wasn't as far along as we had believed. But a week later, I received the dreadful news. My husband was in classes until 6:30 that night, and so I had to face being alone for over 4 hours once I was dropped off at home by my step father-in-law's gf.

 I'm not sure if this posting is making any sense at all. I have not talked about this in what feels like a lifetime, and I just needed to be able to get all my feelings out in writing. This is the first post I have written on here through my computer and not on my phone through the app that I used to have.

 It almost feels strange being back on this website. I think we plan to start trying again at the end of the year, but everything keeps flip flopping, including my feelings, and I'm hoping to find out what others did to cope with the loss, be it their first (such as mine was) or multiple. I'm terrified, knowing that if I try to conceive again, it could result in another m/c. My mom had had 6 total, and other women in my family had 3 or more. How they dealt with the heartache, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that out for myself.

 Anyway, thanks for letting me put this out here. I love the support I have received since I first found out I was pregnant in December, and now I'm trying to get back into the community.

 Leilani

Serenla

I am so sorry for your loss Leilani, this is something that I wish no woman had to go through. ::hugs:: I know that sometimes men do not know how to handle this kind of thing and so it was good that your Mom could fly out from MA to come and be with you. I think no matter what for AL women the next time we try will not really be as innocent as our time before we had our loss (this was my first pregnancy and first loss) but I did learn a phrase today which is most pregnancies end in healthy babies. So, when you are ready to try again try repeating that mantra, I have found that it is helping me.

Katie5295

I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank younger sharing your story with us, I know that's not an easy thing to do. I hope you can come to peace with it soon.

::HUGS::

JCM285

Hi Leilani,

 

I am sorry for your loss first of all.  It must have been really hard dealing with it on your own the first day.  This was my first pregnancy and I m/c at 12 weeks.  I also feel the heartache of seeing other happy families with their babies and it doesn't help that we can't TTC again for another year because of complications.  However, I think as time passes, my emotions are getting better.  I feel less connected to the pregnancy now and, except for going to the gyno. for blood work, I sometimes forget about the way I felt right after my D&C.  It definitely helps to have people to talk to about it, and it also helps to have a normal routine to get your mind off of it (which it seems you have both).  Let yourself recover.  It definitely takes time and everyone's experience is different.  I am also afraid of m/c a second time, although I also strangely feel as though I'm "off the hook" for now since I can't TTC right away.  Just take your time and I think you will know when the right time for you to TTC again is.  We can only hope for the best and I have high hopes of eventually having a healthy pregnancy.  I hope that you can feel a sense of peace and high hopes again soon :-)

Kay6519

I'm sorry for your loss, Leilani. I wish you the best of luck in TTC again later this year. T&P's for you and your SO!

panther422516

I'm so sorry for your loss...I understand I was also alone wwhen I lost my LO...with a rude matter of factly nurse at the US place my lady was on vaccation. She just walked in and said your baby died....I don't even know the dr. Name she never introduced herself....we r here for u when u need us ...Tand P

ShalomLani

I know this is long overdue, but I wanted to thank all of you wonderful ladies for your kind messages and support. It meant a lot for me, and I would come back and read your messages over and over again. You are all amazing women, and I am so glad that I had such support.

Lani