Should I let my mom come when LO arrives? looong

nycnola

Actually a month or so afterwards, but that's a small detail. 

A little back story-  my mom has always had...issues. I am totally convinced she has something called histrionic personality disorder. It's extremely annoying, but it was always bearable....but barely. Anyways, about 6 years ago my sister was raped, and it pushed my mom over this cliff of total mental breakdown. There is a ton to this story but my mom said some extremely hateful/selfish/BSC crazy stuff to me and my sister, over several years, and last year my mom said "It would be easier for me if SISTER was dead".Because of this my sister and my mom don't speak any more, and I have severely distanced myself from my mom as well. She still has her "issues". We skype with her once a week because my grandpa lives with her and I want him to be able to see DD, and my mom is always there. Because I keep a lot of information from her and really limit my communication, our interactions are usually "normal", but very shallow.

Last night she called me and was saying how she wanted to come visit after LO2 comes, and she mentioned "I haven't seen DD since the October your dad died." And I said "She was there the January afterwards, too" (my mom twists facts ALL.THE.TIME. to suit her sob stories, so I always immediately correct, no matter what). Mom replies "Is that when the SISTER thing happened? Ugh, I can't even talk about how awful she has been to me". It was an immediate indication to me that she still has no grasp of what she has said/has done/keeps doing that damages our relationship with her. She even claims that my sister and I have made things up that she has said, but also refuses to call us liars. It's so, so weird and frustrating. We invited my mom to DD's baptism when DD was about 5 weeks old, and she picked several fights with me while she was at my house, and I let most of them go but she eventually did it in front of DD's Godparents and my inlaws and I majorly downdressed her. I KNOW she will do this again when she's staying with us. I just don't know if I want her to come. What do you think? TIA. 

jackson290721

If she is going to cause more stress than good, I would not have her come. 

ScarletOflaherty

You basically say here she's a crazy liar who does nothing but cause trouble...WHY would you want that in your house when you are sleep deprived and recovering from childbirth?

No, seriously, give me one solid reason that doesn't start with 'we are related' or 'she gave birth to me'. Sharing blood doesn't excuse bad behavior.

shainatay4

I have mom issues too so I understand. Its at the point where she doesn't have my address so when she sends something its sent to my grandparents house. But since I dont trust my mother im not sure when I'll let her meet my son. I would not want him to go through anything I did and I don't want him to ever get hurt. So it comes down to it do you trust her around your children and are you willing to have them go through things. I understand she's your mom. I get that it took me along time to get to appoint where enough is enough. My children will know they have a grandma but idk if I'll ever bring my children around her.

WhitWed

She sounds incredibly stressful; I wouldn't want that behavior or personality to be around my child. Just because someone is a relative doesn't give them a right to see your LO. I don't think it sounds like she's earned any type of relationship with her own children or her grandchildren, but it's up to you. If you think it's repairable, and worth it, then give it a try. If not, then cut your ties, don't worry about the aftermath, and let her go.

diana.filipi

nah, I wouldn't.  It's enough adding that 2nd kiddo into the mix without adding BSC IN YOUR OWN HOME on top of it. 

If you feel like she should come at some point have her stay in a hotel if at all possible and do it after you have a handle on the new baby and all that.

JUSTMENU4

don't call her until you've given birth & just say you didn't have time to call ahead of time.

 

emolm

Yes.

If you really can't figure this one out on your own, maybe you need one more visit to refresh your memory.

LaineyPaney

I'd say no, just go visit her at some point. That way, you can exit the situation at any time....

913mom

NOOOOO!   Do not let her come!   When you are ready you can make it a point to go see her or meet at a mutual location.   It does not sound like you should have her at your home where you might have to ask her to leave.  

Do not put yourself through that stress.   Sounds like you don't owe her anything?