Please help :/ — The Bump
Military Families

Please help :/

My ex fianc and I were together for about a year and a half when we decided we were going to have a baby. Well we got pregnant and when I was 3 months, he ended up leaving because of a Fight we got into. He got a new girlfriend and never came around but still says he wants to be part of our kids life and raise him... He signed for the marines 2 weeks ago, and yesterday we talked and I found out he is now leaving for bootcamp may 5. He will miss our sons birth. He has yet to apologize for alot of things he has done, he says everything is my fault, and well never be together and raise our family... He seriously has done nothing to help me with this pregnancy. He also thinks in just going to write to him abiut our son and all but why would i honestly write to my ex? i know its for his son, but atill he left, got a gurlfriend, got new cars, didnt go to appointments, done nothing for our baby. Is there any chance boot camp will make him mature, and come back apologizing, an wanting to fix our relationship for our son. Any women have something like this happen?

Re: Please help :/

  • I don't have experience with this and I'm so sorry you're going through this, but boot camp won't change a man. I went through boot camp and although I may have "changed" for the time being and shortly after getting out, old ways creep back in and your start to feel like your old self eventually. If I were you, I would start looking into child support and other alternatives. Just keep it as an option in case things don't get better. The way it is looking now, he's not going to very helpful once the baby arrives either. I would also reach out to family members and friends for support if that's possible.
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  • Why would you want him back after all he's done? An unhappy relationship isn't fair to you, him, or your baby.

    Quite frankly, you both need to grow up. It's about this child now, not about you and not about him. He doesn't need to be involved with the pregnancy because it will either stress you out or give you hope for reconciliation where no hope it to be had. 

    When the baby is born, write him. It's the right thing to do,period. You also need to establish paternity through the court system in order to secure child support and benefits for your child. Don't use this child as a pawn. Let him be involved if he wants to be. It isn't for the father's benefit. It is for your child's.

    Take yourself out of the equation. That baby is who you both should be thinking about now. Good luck to you. 

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  • image Lissa832:

    Why would you want him back after all he's done? An unhappy relationship isn't fair to you, him, or your baby.

    Quite frankly, you both need to grow up. It's about this child now, not about you and not about him. He doesn't need to be involved with the pregnancy because it will either stress you out or give you hope for reconciliation where no hope it to be had. 

    When the baby is born, write him. It's the right thing to do,period. You also need to establish paternity through the court system in order to secure child support and benefits for your child. Don't use this child as a pawn. Let him be involved if he wants to be. It isn't for the father's benefit. It is for your child's.

    Take yourself out of the equation. That baby is who you both should be thinking about now. Good luck to you. 

     

    I agree with the bolded 100%.

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  • The military doesn't change people. Most people think it does because you see a lot of marriages after bootcamp. A lot of people want to know they have "someone" waiting at home for them or something familiar moving to their first base. Those same marriages end in divorce a few years later.

    You need to protect yourself. Establish paternity, get a custody agreement, and child support order. Bottom line no one should care more about your future than you do now. Some people will claim the military will ride in on its white horse and save wives, girlfriends, finances that have been wronged by the military member: that white horse isn't coming. They will however enforce court orders.

    Best of luck with your pregnancy and future. 

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  • image Emilia0101:

    The military doesn't change people. Most people think it does because you see a lot of marriages after bootcamp. A lot of people want to know they have "someone" waiting at home for them or something familiar moving to their first base. Those same marriages end in divorce a few years later.

    You need to protect yourself. Establish paternity, get a custody agreement, and child support order. Bottom line no one should care more about your future than you do now. Some people will claim the military will ride in on its white horse and save wives, girlfriends, finances that have been wronged by the military member: that white horse isn't coming. They will however enforce court orders.

    Best of luck with your pregnancy and future. 

    Just wanted you to read the bolded part of that again. He is not going to be a new man after boot camp.

     

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  • Ditto with others that you need to make a plan for raising your child.  Before your ex leaves, sit down with him to discuss what sort of arrangements you will have.  Obviously he doesn't know where he will end up, but does he want to be a part of the child's life?  Have any sort of joint custody?  Is he planning for child support?  What last name do you both want for the baby, and first name? 

    Regardless of how these conversations go, if he is the father, he has responsibility and rights.  You could leave finances and custody to the court to figure out, but all three of you will be better off if you can agree on these things.  Boot camp isn't going to make him a different person.

  • You should write to him , give him the info especially the SSN, so he gets his son listed as a dependant. You should keep in touch do you have his chain of command handy. He will be assured of paying child support and your son is entitled to mil benefits read, health care insurance, tax free shopping on base, commissary privileges..... Get that done! You can stop talking to him after if he doesn't act like a dad!
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  • Personally, I'd find out where he's stationed at and take him for child support! You can't force him to be a man or be there for the baby... but you can force him to help! 
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