Coming out of the closet

APotterHead

My DH and I aren't extremely open about our IF. We talk casually with some co-workers, and our parents know, but not how intense it is.

I have one friend who aslo has IF, and conceived twins after treatments. I feel like I lean on her too much and it isn't fair. I just don't know how to come out and talk to non-IF friends and family. It seems every time I've tried in the past, it has hurt some deep friendships. In fact, I barely talk to my extremely fertile best friend of 16 years any more.

Who is in the closet and who is out. How do you talk to people without getting hurt or hurting friendships. As if IF isn't hard enough on its own!

ena724

We are out to close friends and family. My mother and father know the extent and the ILs know but don't know all the details. We like it that way anyways bc my MIL is a pain.

Our close friends know and I am open about it with them. I never want them to feel like they can't talk to me about their kids and being pg. However, since we have been open with them, it does makes them more cautious about not talking about babies and pg. all the time because they know it can be hard for us. 

I'm not open on FB because a lot of people are just acquaintances on there and I don't feel like they all need to know our business. 

Once we were more open with people, it was much easier on us.

sueann911

We're still in the closet to most people. Our parents, BFF, siblings and DHs coworkers know.

He is more open about it than I am. I don't want to come out to coworkers yet because I know how they are with other sensitive topics. I have a male coworker who mentioned he and his wife are dealing with IF. When someone said they should just adopt and why would you spend so much money for a child, I ripped the person a new ars hole. So they probably know I'm dealing it too because of the details and the empathy that I had. The male was stunned too much to respond to the terrible remarks. Anyways, I got sidetracked.

As far as coming out on FB, I'm not prepared enough for that at this time in my journey. I know I shouldn't be thinking this, but I still blame myself too much. I'm not strong enough right now to deal with ignorant remarks without taking them personally.

APotterHead

I want to be more open, I do, but it is just so hard. Between the comments, and the stigma, it just makes it worse. I also blame myself. I feel like a failure, as silly as it is.

My DH doesn't take it nearly as personal or as hard as I do. He has much thicker skin.

I think I'm going to approach my BFF again. I really want to repair that relationship and not let this get in the way. It might acutally be best to take IF off the table between us.

Thanks for the support ladies!

ksgsmu

My immediate family knows almost everything ( diagnosis, treatment etc)...My sister-in laws are super supportive and interested. One SIL just had a baby and she has been ultra sensitive to me.  They are a huge support!

Dh's family only really knows we are having problems and seeing an RE. They live far away so they don't know everything.

My best friends know everything and I rely on their support. One is single, two are married with kids and never had IF issues. So they don't "understand" completely but they are my biggest cheerleaders!  I couldn't face this without them. 

My Dh has only told his best friend which I encouraged because he needs to be able to vent to someone else besides me.  

We are not out on facebook.... too many aquaintances and co-workers.  We are pretty private on social media anyways.

ksgsmu

APotterHead:

I want to be more open, I do, but it is just so hard. Between the comments, and the stigma, it just makes it worse. I also blame myself. I feel like a failure, as silly as it is.

My DH doesn't take it nearly as personal or as hard as I do. He has much thicker skin.

I think I'm going to approach my BFF again. I really want to repair that relationship and not let this get in the way. It might acutally be best to take IF off the table between us.

Thanks for the support ladies!

It is worth a shot!  Good luck- I hope you can fix your friendship.... We needs good girlfriends to just cut loose and have fun with!

Laylarue

We are pretty open about it if people ask "when are you two going to have a baby".  It has made DH feel a lot better not having to keep a secret like that and I could care less  what anyone thinks.  However, the hardest part is people thinking they know what I'm going through (when most clearly do not) and trying to give me advice.  It's even worse that a couple people close to me have changed their fertility stories to mirror mine so maybe they can relate to me?  I'm not sure why crazy people do the things they do.  

I thought about posting a NIAW pic on instagram, but ultimately decided those people are not close to me and it's really none of their business.   

APotterHead

Thanks everyone. I wish it didn't have to be so complicated. I feel like people would be really supportive, I just don't know if I can handle the "advice" and crazy remarks. Especially since we have been TTC for 3 years now, so it's not like we are new to IF.

I hope we ALL don't have to deal with this much longer!

katib77

I'm out with everyone.  And in fact I just got back from a two hour coffee date with my BFF while her oldest is in pre school and her youngest was playing on the floor.  I had not seen her in four months since my last treatment cycle, m/c and getting my new insurance that will cover a lot of treatment moving forward so I had a lot to talk to her about; IF wise.  

I don't have advice, because I'm just lucky that I have friends and family closest to me that just seem to know how to deal with it.  They ask a few questions, and talk about how excited they are for my future treatment.  That they have everything crossed that it will work out. How it's unfair what I've been through.  Every once it  a while someone will say something that deep down I know they meant well, and it hurt my feelings but they just don't know better...so I forgive them and move on.  But I also am a IFer that is in a good head place to be around kids and talk about them.  I love to hear how my friends kids are, even when they're annoying her to no end or their biggest accomplishments.  

Some IF'ers have a hard time being their for their mommy friends - and their friends have a hard time being there for their IF friends.  If you both agree there is some give and take - some days I may need to not talk to her if I'm having a hard day.  And she might change the topic after 20 minutes of hearing about my IF because maybe she doesn't know what to say...but we make our way through.  You just have to see what works for you.  And maybe, that means leaving a friendship behind if there is not enough give and take going on from one or both of you.  Or you may need to realize your mommy friend needs to be able to talk to you about her kids.  It is a two way street with friendship and sometimes we have blinders on that we're not getting what we need from our friend.  But you need to also look at it from their prospective.  

This may not be the most popular view on this board, but I really feel it's what's helped save my friendships.  I have you girls for the majority of my IF talk.  My friends are there for a little of it but I am there for what's their life too. 

ttuprincess

I have talked about it with close friends and family.  My in laws are OB/GYNs so they have been a wonderful support system for us.  They understand without us having to explain everything.  I can say PCOS or talk about Lupron or clomid and they just get it without me having to break everything down into laymen's terms.  That has been really nice. 

I have some friends who understand (as best they can) and others who it just goes right over their heads.  I tend to rely more on the ones who seem to understand at least on a basic level.  Most of my friends have kids and I don't have any problem with that.  I tend to fall in the same categoy as KatiB on that side of things.  That is THEIR life and I want to be as respectful of their lives as I hope they are of mine.  I am not saying it isn't hard some days but other days it is kind of refreshing getting to be around little ones. 

People in my office know I see a fertility doctor and I go to lots of appointments but for the most point they don't know any specifics.  I am not "out" on FB or other social media but mainly because I am "friends" with so many people that I am not REALLY friends with and I don't think it is any of their business.  The people close to me all know and for now that is what I am comfortable with. 

Anyways, this has turned into a much longer post than I had anticipated.  Sorry!  

APotterHead

I am actually a full-time step-mom, so its not too hard being around kids and my friends with kids. Its hard when they complain about their little ones, or getting pregnant 'again' on accident, or tell me how lucky I am not to have to deal with waking up in the middle of the night because my step-kids are older and I didn't have to 'deal with babies', etc etc.

I know they aren't trying to be hurtful, but I think its like KatiB said, I want them in my life, so I might have to just leave the IF part out for now and kindly let them know not to complain to me either.

I think the concensus is FB and social media need to stay out of this and I have to agree. Too many "friends" on FB!

Thanks again!

scbedi

I am out everywhere pretty much. I posted daily things for national infertility awareness week this week and I have a blog that I post on Facebook for those who want to get more details. If someone asks then I will tell them. I am an open book. I can honestly say that I have never felt so much support in my life. It makes me so happy that so many people are rooting for me and DH and will be so darn excited whenever we do have a take home baby.
Coming out may not be for every one but it has definitely helped me feel less alone and has really shown me how many people care. I have gotten very few negative comments.

KTdid81

We are mostly in.  Some people know we were trying - but they quit asking after all of the repeated "NOs".  We only have 2 or 3 people who really know everything.  And now that the couple we were confiding in is pregnant, it is hard for us to share our misery with their joy. 

It is really hard to talk to everyone who keeps getting pregnant, especially when they say they weren't ready for a baby yet.  But, all we can do is take it one day at a time and try not to slap anyone.  BTW: I hate it when my husband says "we just have to take it one day at a time honey."  Makes me want to slap him too.

Don't worry, no slapping here.  At least not today.

But I do understand.  It is hard talking to those who just don't understand.  And if they have been through the same stuff, it is still hard to share when they are in the joyful transition.  Nobody wants to rain on someone else's parade.

Durham1008

We're kind of both. My parents don't know because my mother keeps telling me we need to wait a while before having kids. But his mom knows and most of our close friends know. My friends have been pretty supportive for the most part, although there have been times where they say something that I roll my eyes at. But I know they just don't realize how annoying certain things are. It's good to have someone to talk to. When I got a cyst a few months ago, my BFF was the one to hold my hand while I cried it out.

shelbeans82

Kinda out

 My close girlfriends know, my parents know and my SIL knows. We want to tell my ILs but left it up to DH to initiate the coversation and he hasn't yet. I also have 2 coworkers who went through IF who also know. I have been lucky in that 95% of the time everyone has been great and supportive.  One friend in particular is always very positive, excited for our next step, etc.   

I feel like if people were to ask, I would be open about our struggle but I don't necessarily bring the topic up and all I felt comfortable doing on FB this week was liking the resolve page.

I wish I had the courage/strength to fully come out as some of you ladies have! 

 

EIK2013

I feel like I am completely out now.  Before this week I was open to anyone who asked me or was close to me, but I completely came out on facebook this week and it feels AMAZING.  I want to be an advocate for infertility and I want people to know they can come to me with questions.  It may not be for everyone to come out, but I think it is important to have a well rounded support system going through this journey.  

I feel like it is easier to talk to people and to not get angry about comments when others know you are struggling with infertility.  There are still the ignorant few who continue to say rude or cruel things even though they know you are struggling, but I just learn to leave all talk of babies, pregnancy, and infertility away from these individuals.

Good luck to you with whatever decision you make! 

Shellydawn422

We are a bit of a mixed bag.  At this point most of our friends and family know that I am off BC, but very few know for how long or that we are seeking help.  We are beginning to open up about it to more of our closer friends.  

The biggest complication is that we have not told my parents anything.  They have concerns about us having kids while we are living so far away from family (they are 6000 miles away in Virginia).  I understand their reasons, but didn't want to fight with them about our decision, so we just never told them we were trying...now that it has been over a year, it's a little difficult to bring it up.  

For the people we have told, we've gotten the full range of "Relax," "It will happen when you are ready," and "You should take advantage of your childless years!  I wish I had your freedom,"  but for the most part everyone has been really sweet and supportive.   

APotterHead

WOW! I really appreciate everyone sharing with me! It really has helped me move forward. Thank you!

BlueEyedDreamer

We've always been pretty private about our personal lives, for a variety of reasons. MH's job makes him a very public figure in our community, so we try to keep whatever we can to ourselves. Until pretty recently, only one of my BFFs and my mom knew about any of our IF struggles.

Now, our families know, my boss (who also went through IVF) knows, and one of my coworkers guessed. Other than that, my 2 BFFs know (one went through IF and conceived on clomid, the other is just starting treatments for IF), and MH's BFF knows.

I purposefully haven't told some of my other friends because I know it may hurt our friendship... some because they are single and still hoping to find that special someone to start a family with and others because they are fertile myrtles who will never understand.

I don't feel that it would be best for me or MH to tell the whole world. I am really lucky to have close friends who can relate to what I'm going through. I also get a lot of support here on the bump! You ladies are the best!  

babydreams13

We are totally in the closet.  We haven't told anyone and have had 2 failed IUIs.  On to IUI cycle #3.  Nobody even knows we are trying.  It has been hard lately with the 2 failed IUIs and with lots of friends getting preg easily.  I feel like I will share our story after we do get preg with close family and friends.  If I had a friend who went through IF like you do I would prob talk to that person as well.  Best of luck to you and hang in there.  I just try to tell myself its gonna happen one day so I have to get over other ppl getting preg easily.