Has working affected any of your families negatively? (Long)

heyitsme

I am afraid to get flamed for asking this, but I need to. Perhaps it's because I've never felt 100% all-in to being a working mom, I've been doing it grudgingly for the most part. I just wish I could stay at home with my kids. Sometimes I accept the fact that I can't, but a lot of times I harbor a lot of resentment at our situation.

I just can't help but feel like my working outside of the home has influenced our family negatively in quite a few ways. I've been at my current job for over 6 years now (for the first 2 years of DD's life I worked PT at jobs where she could come with me). I returned to work FT when DD was 2 to start contributing more financially, and to helping us get on our feet more (at the time we had a lot of SL debt, DH was still in school and working FT, we were living in low-income housing, on Medi-Cal, etc.). Thanks to my working, we were able to get ahead financially (get health insurance, out of low-income housing, pay off quite a few SLs, etc.). But I think at some point I hit a spot where it no longer felt NECESSARY for me to work. Sure, with my income we're able to put a good amount of money in savings for a future home. Sure, we have no consumer debt. BUT I just feel like my working has affected us negatively in so many ways.

(I should note here that my DH is out of school, working FT and also an evening PT job 4 nights/week.)

When DD started daycare she started eating the standard fare served there (chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, etc.) and I'd come home from a long day of work and have to throw something together for dinner, usually from a package. She got to be a pickier and pickier eating. And these days it's just horrible, no matter how hard I try to get her to eat a variety of foods. 

DD has some special needs. She's bright but struggles with ADHD and other issues (sensory-related). She needs a lot of attention and doesn't get it when she's home with me because I'm all over the place.

Our relationship got tougher. I don't think I realized it then as much as I do now that she is 8.5. It's very strained. I mean, with DH working 4 nights/week, when I gather her up from after school and DS from daycare, I'm all business when I get home because there's dinner to cook, homework to be checked, baths/showers, etc. 

There are no rules at home so both kids are out of control. We're sucky parents, yes, and that has to do with the fact that we're both overworked and exhausted. When we're with the kids, any sort of fighting/arguing/tantrums is all the more exhausting. We don't want to fight enforcing rules, so we don't. Yes, we're lazy parents. Yes, we're trying harder.

Our house is never clean enough. We try and we do have the chores balanced well between DH and I. He and I never get any time together, either, which is a challenge. We don't have a sitter come. He works so much and we don't want to take away from the rare family time to make time for ourselves.

I don't know. I know this sounds like I hate working so I'm just looking back and blaming all our troubles on it, but that's not it.

DH and I are working our butts off to pad our bank account for a future home and I just keep asking myself, "AT WHAT COST?" Save for a home for our family and move a broken one into it?

The thing is, with him working his 2 jobs and me working 1, we're able to bank a very good amount of money at the end of every month. We can't get by on just our 2 daytime job salaries (since we'd still have the costs of daycare and after school). It would leave us with MAYBE $100 left over every month. And that's just not comfortable to us (specifically DH). And my becoming a SAHM isn't going to happen because then we get into the whole, "So I'd be working TWO jobs while you work NONE?" thing. We'd be able to still save a bit (probably 1/2 of what we do with me working?), though. 

I hear a lot of happy moms and miserable SAHMs. And I hear a lot of working women who are proud of working, who enjoy working, who benefit from working, etc. I just wish I heard more about the women who worked who aren't happy, who feel like their families are hurting because they are working.

  for reading if you got this far.

heyitsme

Also wanted to add that we've cut out EVERYTHING unnecessary. We have a really low budget, so that we can save more this year and then take the saved $$ for a home. We have NO consumer debt at all, just 1 student loan with a very low monthly payment. On p

iluvmylab

Yes, us both working does cause more stress and tension in our home. But so would living paycheck to paycheck, telling our kids we have no savings for them to go to college, having to work until we are in our 60s because we couldn't afford to save enou

heyitsme

iluvmylab:

And working is not a reason that your kids have a free for all at home and don't have rules. That's the first thing

1026pumpkin

I think it's a very personal decision, and every family's situation and priorities are different.  I will say that when I first went back to work, it was very reluctantly, and I thought things would be soooo much easier if I was home all day. &nbs

mben1119

I don't understand how 2 working parents=no rules in your house. My parents both worked, but we had structure, discipline, and respect. You have to make a plan and demand those things from your children. You working has  nothing to do with that. <

iluvmylab

heyitsme:

iluvmylab:</

Iblamethebeer

That does sound miserable.

Maybe its time to stop talking about how much house you can afford to buy how soon, and start talking about how to happily house your family -- a smaller house or renting for a few more years might be the right quali

kcisthebombdotcom

Is working evenings an option? I stopped working days last February and it amazes me what it cost to work. Commuting, spending more on convenience foods, dry cleaning, car maintenance/gas, child care, etc is expensive. I waitress two nights a week and

highlights

I've thought of a million different ways to try to phrase this, but I think I am just going to have to be blunt. I'm not trying to flame you, I just can't think of a better way to get my point across.

1. You have to work. You need to get the tho

highlights

heyitsme:

iluvmylab:</

highlights

heyitsme:

iluvmylab:</

*sparky*

I agree with the PP's.  It does not sound like SAHM would be feasible for your family, so I would stop focusing your energy on thinking about how things could be if you did.  Focus on how to make your current situation better - structure and

KathrynMD

highlights:

I've thought of a million different ways to try to phrase this, but I think I am just going to have to be blunt

KathrynMD

OP - re the rules stuff - start small.

You and DH decide on 2-3 rules that everyone needs to follow and then have a family meeting w/ the kids and tell them the new rules and what the consequences will be, if there will be warnings, etc. and th

highlights

KathrynMD:

OP - re the rules stuff - start small.

You and DH decide on 2-3 rules that everyone needs to follow and the

heyitsme

Thank you for all your replies. It is a lot to read through. I don't expect SAHM to be a solution to all of our issues, but I just wonder how much worse it's going to get if we keep going this way.

Yes, self-depreciating language, miserable, etc.

Mustardseed2007

highlights:

I've thought of a million different ways to try to phrase this, but I think I am just going to have to be blunt. I

highlights

heyitsme:

Thank you for all your replies. It is a lot to read through. I don't expect SAHM to be a solution to all of our issu

jenn_darrin1515

PrivacyWanted:

Kathryn

heyitsme

jenn_darrin1515:

is there a reason your dh couldn't quit his second evening job so he is home with you and the kids in the eve

mben1119

heyitsme:

jenn_darrin1

jf198400

I have been a FT WM since my first DD was born.  I have always wanted to be a SAHM.  After I went back from my 2nd ML I was horribly miserable, I hated working.  Things had changed at work since I went out on leave and it was just not a

2chatter

mabenner1:

heyitsme:</

jlaOK

I agree with all the PP's suggestions and think that being more organized in the evenings will really help your situation.  I know it must be really difficult since your DH has to work in the evenings, but even with him not there, having a set pla

asyph107

It sounds like you are disappointed in your parenting more than working. Working is no excuse for lazy parenting, and don't get me wrong we ALL have our days where we throw together some lazy dinner, or don't discipline an incident because we

SecondTimeinMSU

What about staying at home and caring for other children? Could the additional income brought it offset the loss of you not working? Then you'd still be working but it might be less pressure?

As for your strained relationship with your daughter y

MirandaHobbes

I just wanted to chime in a piece of advice given to me re: rules. My son also has SN (he's ASD) and I've benefited from years of therapists and behavioral coach advice. When he was a toddler I couldn't get a grip on when to follow through and when to

MommyKayla11

Yes, it has. Both DH and I work so it's hard not seeing DS that much during the weekdays. DS goes to daycare until 7 most days and I hate seeing him as the only kid left in the toddler room

brettsmama

I am a full time working mom. My husband has not worked since DS was 6 months old, almost 2.5 years now, but he is a fulltime student. I wish I could be a SAHM mom, I begged after DS was born and DH said no because he liked our lifestyle that two income

Mjmksb04

There is no way that I would feel comfortable staying home if my husband had to work FT and a PT job at night. It sounds like you can't afford it.