Don't know what to do...(long)

LoLoPanda

You ladies always give really good advice, so I'm hoping I can utilize your skills now.

As some of you know, and the NorCal Newlywed board knows, I've been having trouble with MIL and SIL. They both are causes of constant stress in my life, and with IF issues...it's no different. I need advice on how to deal with it, or tell them to knock it off.

SIL got PG accidentally and she's very ignorant on PG issues, and IF issues. She swears up and down that NO ONE will know they're pregnant until they're at least 6 weeks along. I've tried to tell her that's not the case, but she thinks I'm stupid and tries to tell me otherwise. She also cracks jokes at my and J's expense. Anytime MIL asks about how we're doing and what the doctor says when I go in for an appt, SIL wants to know as well. If there's J's swimmers involved in the conversation, SIL SCREAMS "EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW THAT'S NASTY!!!" I understand this is her brother and she doesn't see him in the romantic light like I do, but he is my HUSBAND and I love him. His swimmers are important to me and they are also important to him in this process. Seeing as swimmers are almost half the equation in making a baby, I would think (or rather hope) that she would be mature enough to realize that and see that his swimmers have NOTHING to do with her, but they matter to me. She and her BF also say ignorant things like when I had my IUIs, they said "so are you going to go home and stand on your head now?" and "I think you're going to have quints" and "All this infertility stuff is too much for me. I think it's stupid that you're doing this. Just let it happen naturally". J hates it too, but we don't know what to do at this point. They've even gone as far as to tell me "How do you know it's J's swimmers? I think it would be hilarious if you gave birth to a black baby, then you would have some heavy explaining to do"...really infuriating sh*t.

MIL has, for the most part, been very supportive of us doing this. She plays along with the jokes and joins in which also hurts. Why would you make a joke of the fact that your son and DIL are trying to have a baby? Why would you joke about the possibility of having another grandchild?

This morning when I got my beta results back, MIL asked me if I had heard anything and I told her the results. She immediately went on the defensive telling me it's not fair to me for them to tell me the results. She said they should just take the test and leave me alone for a month, then give me the results...umm..hello??? That "month" I would need prenatal care if I was PG!!! She said it's not fair for the doctor to put me under this type of pressure and stress. It's not the OBGYN who's stressing me out, it's ME stressing me out.

What I really need is just pure, unadulterated support from J's sister and mom when I've been nothing but supportive of them in their times of need. When I need them, they'd rather make jokes and ignorant comments rather than just say "It'll be alright, we're here for you"...am I crazy for wanting that?

MamaDep

you are NOT crazy for wanting that! I think you need to stop telling them your business if they can't be supportive. AND, when they ask, tell them you have felt less than supported by them saying XYZ and rather than them saying the wrong thing, you'd rather them say nothing at all. You don't need them to be bringin' you down!

SJBride05

You're not crazy for wanting that! But, if it were me I wouldn't tell them anything.  If they can't be supportive, then they shouldn't be involved.

I<3MYHUSBAND

I don't think your crazy for wanting mature support, but given that this is their track record my motto of "don't expect more from someone than you know what they can give" . Sounds like this is who they are, I would just keep the process to supportive people to save yourself some heartache.

tiki_t

Unfortunately people think that they are being helpful with these comments, jokes and ignorant views because they don't know better. They've never been through it. How I know that is I am guilty of the same thing. When my sister couldn't conceive I said about everything wrong in the book too. Then when I had trouble, I found out how hurtful those "innocent" remarks are. I apologized up and down.

Then there are the people who just terrorize you during the process because they think because it didn't happen to them that it couldn't happen to you. I had a friend like that. He made my life such a hell that it took all of the energy out of me. My sister called him an emotional vampire. Which I think is what your SIL is turning into. I had no choice but to cut myself off from him during the process. I couldn't take it any more. Sources of stress actually reduce your chances of conceiving so even though he was a long term friend to me, at that point and time,  he was a liability to me and my future family.

 I found that I couldn't make people understand or change them. Instead, I reached out in two ways that helped me.  One way I reached out was to someone who had been through it before. Libby was an angel. She was my rock. Being through the process, she knew what I was going through. So try finding someone else in your boat to share support with. It makes a huge difference. The other thing was that I had the luxury of free counseling sessions through my employer's  (EAP) program . I used one on one counseling to get ideas on healthy ways to cope. It made a difference. Some people like group support situations. You might want to ask your health care provider if he/she knows of any that you can join.

 

*Hugs*

 

MelNDan05

I agree with Mamadep.  You need to stop telling them things.  I know that it is way easier said than done, but for your own sanity you need to keep quite.  Until someone has had any T-TTC, they have no idea the stress and emotional rollercoaster you are on.  I am really sorry that you are having to deal with less than supportive family members.  Try to surround yourself with the most supportive people (like us) that you can find.  I'm really sorry that they are making jokes about your situation.  Sending you very big hugs!

hersheykiss

I agree with the PPs, don't tell them anything if they cannot be supportive of you. Some people think that just because they had an easy time getting pregnant that everyone should. That is not the case. And if your SIL cannot be mature about her brother and you trying to have a baby, then leave her ignorant butt out of the conversation.

dirtbikemom

I agree it would be very hard but I wouldn't tell either of them anything anymore. ?It sounds like your MIL is trying to be supportive but I'm sure if you tell her she would tell your SIL. ?Your SIL does sound like an emotional vampire. ?I'm sorry this is the impression I get from your posts. ?I admire you because there is no way I could work with someone like that. ?I would be beyond stressed out all the time. ?

danandkelly

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but you asked for advice.....Your MIL and SIL are WAY WAY to involved in your sex life and your and J's IF journey.

If they can't be supportive and not be immature than cut them out.  Don't tell them what is going on, when they ask questions shrug or say you don't know.  But they have been insensitive to you from the begining and they aren't going to change.  So maybe if you just stopped telling them so much and left them out of the loop a bit, the light will come on that they need to be more supportive of your situation if they want to be in the know.

I live my life like an open book, so I understand your openess...but part of putting it all out there is dealing with the responses of people...sometimes great and supportive and sometimes not so supportive...but that's what you get when you tell people.  They aren't going to change so you need to change.

If you don't like the response you KNOW you are going to get from them, stop it before it starts....and don't discuss it with them.

Sorry if that was harsh, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings...just trying to save you some heartache.

And big ((HUGS)) to you...I'm sorry.

Lexi & Orion's Mommy

you need to look for a differnt job, where you wouldnt be spending 24 / 7 with people who mis treat you.

Smuches4u

I would stop sharing things in front of SIL.  Sounds like she's the instigator in most of the ignorance & MIL just jumps on the bandwagon.

You deserve to have 100% unquestioned support from them.  They are your DH's blood and should want to be that for the both of you.  Unfortunately, we cannot choose some of our relatives - but we can choose how we involve them in our lives.

I would pull MIL aside, or maybe have your DH have this convo with her.  Set some boundries with the information sharing - when/where it's appropriate.  And some guidelines with examples of comments that are and are not welcome.

I wouldn't bother disucssing it with your SIL because she obviously doesn't get it.

tmp-351858625009089

I agree - you need to stop telling them stuff.  If either of them ask, I'd tell them why you aren't telling them anymore.  That every time you do, they aren't supportive, make jokes and make an already difficult situation worse.  And then leave it at that.  Don't get into it with them, just change the subject.

Is your DH saying anything back to them?  He should be following the same advice (as in not sharing with them anymore).

Mrs.BoomBoom

It sounds like you need to stop telling them things.  It's hard when you work together which is another thing you need to work on changing.  You can't change them.  You can only change yourself and your reactions to them.

susan_m

I dont' mean to sound harsh but.........This is exactly the reason that we don't involve our families in that aspect of our life at all.  Not that they would say those types of things to us, but frankly it's really none of their business.  You really need to stop telling them all the details of your infertility struggles if that is the way that they are going to react.  It seems to be the same thing all the time, so why continue to tell them things.  Just quit talking to them about it and then maybe something will change.

bunch

I'd be saying "We'll tell you when we have good news, otherwise, don't ask"  I just wouldn't talk about it with them anymore- share with supportive people and just don't tell them anything.  They don't seem genuinely or wholeheartedly supportive, so just wait till you have fantastic news and leave it alone until then.  It'll be hard, but maybe easier than listening to their craptastic advice.

bunch

Oh hon, I forgot that you work with them!  Arrggh- that does make it worse.

MrsCole

Yeah any pregnancy or IF talk would be off limits with them if it were me.  I mean, they suck and are stressing you out so I would just stop sharing.  Tell them you will let them know when you are PG and to back off until then - end of story.  I mean, why put yourself through that crap, ya know?

emeraldwednesda

I gotta agree with pp's- I'd stop telling them anything.  They don't deserve your confidence.  I know you work with them and it makes it tough, but here's one possibility of how to handle it without starting a fight- say "I've realized that talking about it to anyone makes me stressed, so we're keeping it to ourselves from now on" and change the subject.