Daycare Friend Hits Her! Every Day! WWYD?

beautiflaw

So there is a lot of backstory to this so please bear with me. I am just about at my wits end...

DD, 18 months old, has been going to the same daycare since she was about 4 months old. We love almost everything about it. This one little boy (who I will hereafter refer to as LB) has been attending in her class since she was about 7 or 8 months old. They are friends and up until recently, have gotten along without any problems. They are less than a month apart in age. She's older by about 2 weeks or so. 

All at around the same time, all the kids in her class went through a biting, hitting, and kicking phase. It started at about 9 months and we've been working with DD to get her to stop. She has made a lot of progress, especially now that she can talk and she doesn't get frustrated as badly. At daycare, her teachers have told me that they have only had to tell her maybe, 3 or 4 times not to hit others, and that she is very passive mostly. Almost all the other kids seem to be past this phase, except for LB.

Now, LB has an older sibling and his father was recently deployed to Iraq and his family is having a difficult time with that. So some frustration and other issues are completely natural and understandable. I feel for his mother as a Navy wife myself, and the daughter of a Marine. I know how hard deployments are on families. I have nothing but sympathy for her. But I've met her on several occasions and every time I have seen her she has been very harsh, bordering on abusive, in the way she speaks to her son and his older sibling. Recently he came to school with huge bruises all over his face and a busted lip that required stitches, and almost every morning he comes to me and wants a hug, (he wants to hug every mom and dad that walks through the door) so when I hugged him I said, "Oh dear, what happened?" And his teacher overheard me and said that his older sibling had beat him up. I wanted to cry! I feel just awful for him.

So now when I go to drop off DD, almost every morning LB comes directly over and the first thing he does is either hit her or push her, or at the very least scream at her while making a swatting motion at her. She looks at me in bewilderment since she just walked through the door and could not have done anything to provoke him. Its not just her, he reacts that way each time a new classmate walks in. The teacher has to hold him in her arms to keep him from hitting the kids as they come in. She tells him that they are all friends, and then after a while he gets used to them being there and he starts playing nicely with them. I've gotten used to this routine so now I know to keep DD from him until he gets used to her, in order to keep her from getting hit.

Here lately, instead of asking the parents he meets for hugs, he comes over and hits us sometimes, or does other aggressive behaviors. He's takes mom's purses or diaper bags so they can't leave, and pushes and hits the parents who don't pay attention to him or say hello to him. 

From what I can tell, the teachers are doing their best but they can only do so much. They've tried trying to get him to say he's sorry after hitting, stressing the importance of "nice touch" or "gentle touch" and demonstrating "nice" behaviors like hugging,  they tell him not to hit when they see that he's about to start getting aggressive, basically all the things you are supposed to do. The only other thing they could do is inform the mother of his behavior, but I doubt they would do that because they all act like they are scared to death of her every time she walks through the door. Come to think of it, I'm pretty intimidated by her myself.

So I thought everything might be okay because I thought that his aggressiveness was only limited to the mornings, when each classmate seemed "new" to him or something, but I've learned that he is aggressive throughout the day as well. Last week, he hit my daughter with a toy so hard that her nose bled for 3 days and her lip was cut so badly that she almost had to have stitches. Her daycare called us right after it happened in the middle of the day. The story was that he was playing with two identical trucks, DD wanted to play with one, so the teacher told him to share. He freely gave up one of the trucks, and then a split second later changed his mind and hit her with the truck that he had, snatched her truck, and ran off.

Okay, so I get that kids are territorial with toys and he didn't know he was going to almost break her nose. Fine. But today when I brought her to daycare DD ran away from me before I could stop her, and LB chased her until he caught up with her and started hitting her before I could get to them. 

I spoke with her teacher, and she said that while the other kids definitely do hit, kick, and bite each other during play, it happens very very rarely with the exception of this one child. My work schedule is about to change, and I am about to take her from 5 days in daycare to only 2 days, but I am thinking about switching facilities altogether because of this one child. I am afraid he might get rougher and rougher and eventually she might really need stitches or more if they keep playing together. I know there's nothing I can do its not my place to talk to the mom, or tell the daycare teachers how to do their jobs... but I am concerned about my child...

What would you do? 

SoxFan777

I don't have much time, so a short response: If you like the facility other than this one kid, I would talk to the teacher AND the teacher's supervisor before pulling your child out.  They may be talking about a larger plan right now... I'm not su

ASmallWonder

My first thought is that I'm sad for that little boy  But at the end of the day, your first priority is obviously your own child.  I would schedule a meeting with the director and teacher(s) and let them know, quite frankly, that you are c

Jen0204

elmoali:

My first thought is that I'm sad for that little boy  But at the end of the day, your first priority is obvio

FabulousMrs.P

I would sit down with the daycare director and let them know that you are thinking of leaving due to this situation. Tell them your concerns about this child's escalated violent behavior towards yourself and your child.

And by all means, if y

beautiflaw

I am going to speak to the director today. I have no idea what I am going to say but I suppose I'll find the words when the time comes... Thanks everyone for all of your suggestions so far!

beautiflaw

Estwd2:

At the daycare where I worked, if an increasingly aggressive toddler came in with bruises on his face and stitches bec

beautiflaw

Jen0204:

elmoali:</str

gnrkrystle1

I don't know what to say. I think hitting is fairly common in the age, and I think you are making some rash judgements about the family that are unwarranted. i hope you do not drag CPS into this home and make things even more difficult than they probably

beautiflaw

gnrkrystle1:

I don't know what to say. I think hitting is fairly common in the age, and I think you are making some rash judge