I don't know how to write this .... I think I have so many emotions I don't know what to focus on. I have spent all day making a stuffed ham for tomorrow, which is a dish specific to the county where I live in MD. It's all very complicated and time consuming and involves a LOT of chopping and blanching of kale. Like 6 quarts of it. So that's what I've had to do all day while trying to process getting a BFP this morning.
I'm 11DPO and I tested yesterday with a Wondfo and FRER and no matter what light I looked under and how hard I squinted I didn't see anything. This morning I convinced myself I was insane for testing again so soon.... but I couldn't curb the urge. So I took out one of my last three FRERs. I thought I could make out the faintest parts of a line, so eventually I took out one of the digitals and after a really, really long wait it came up positive. Pics are below - I feel kind of silly posting them at all since the line is so faint I can't even make it out in the picture. I was pretty surprised that the digital came back positive since the line is so barely visible, but it did. I'm still kind of confused since I know the digital is a lot less sensitive.
I'm planning on driving up to my RE's office Monday morning for a blood test. It takes about forty minutes to get there and I really need to be there when they open at 7:30 so I can get to work as soon as possible. So I hope they're okay with my just showing up instead of calling in advance.
That is of course if I still have a positive Monday morning. I have one more FRER left and two more digitals. I'm sure I'll be running out to the store for more FRERs.
This is BFP number 5 since we started trying for our second a little over a year ago. While I consciously know in all likelihood I will end up with another loss, I can't seem to shake the feeling I've had with every other BFP. That I want to allow myself to celebrate and be happy because what if this one is my rainbow baby? I wouldn't want to look back and tell my future son or daughter how we weren't really that happy when we found out we were pregnant because of our previous losses. For some reason I don't feel like that would be fair to them.
But at the same time I'm not ready for congratulations. It's just way, way too early. I think if I pass my loss milestone, seeing a heartbeat...... then I would be over the moon ecstatic to accept those words. But for now I'll take as many positive thoughts, prayers, good juju, sticky glue etc. as anyone has on hand! I just don't know where this will go. I could be gone tomorrow. I could be here in 8 ? months.
To any TTCAL lurkers....
My heart is so divided today. I have grown so close to many of you. And it's not possible for me to be entirely celebratory, not only for PGAL brain reasons, but because so many of those I care for have suffered so much. And so many have suffered recent losses. I don't want to leave you for so, so many reasons. I just want you all to come here (or PAL if your path leads to adoption). Quickly. I have received so much support from so many of you. There are no words to be able to express my gratitude. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't know if I'll be staying put here, but I felt it was the right thing for me to post this here for now. I will be lurking over there constantly while I spend at least a short stay over here. And I will be sending you all lots and lots of love and hugs and good wishes from a far. Please always feel free to page me. The TTCAL board has meant so much to me and I love you all dearly.
dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010
<dream 2> 12.2011
2.10.12 : 4 weeks
6.17.12 : 10 weeks
10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days
12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day
4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days
10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days
4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day
6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative
***All always welcome!!***