I hope I can stay this time... thoughts, prayers, good juju please? — The Bump
Pregnant after a Loss

I hope I can stay this time... thoughts, prayers, good juju please?

I don't know how to write this .... I think I have so many emotions I don't know what to focus on.  I have spent all day making a stuffed ham for tomorrow, which is a dish specific to the county where I live in MD.  It's all very complicated and time consuming and involves a LOT of chopping and blanching of kale.  Like 6 quarts of it.  So that's what I've had to do all day while trying to process getting a BFP this morning.

I'm 11DPO and I tested yesterday with a Wondfo and FRER and no matter what light I looked under and how hard I squinted I didn't see anything.  This morning I convinced myself I was insane for testing again so soon.... but I couldn't curb the urge.  So I took out one of my last three FRERs.  I thought I could make out the faintest parts of a line, so eventually I took out one of the digitals and after a really, really long wait it came up positive.  Pics are below - I feel kind of silly posting them at all since the line is so faint I can't even make it out in the picture.  I was pretty surprised that the digital came back positive since the line is so barely visible, but it did.  I'm still kind of confused since I know the digital is a lot less sensitive.

I'm planning on driving up to my RE's office Monday morning for a blood test.  It takes about forty minutes to get there and I really need to be there when they open at 7:30 so I can get to work as soon as possible.  So I hope they're okay with my just showing up instead of calling in advance. 

That is of course if I still have a positive Monday morning.  I have one more FRER left and two more digitals.  I'm sure I'll be running out to the store for more FRERs. 

This is BFP number 5 since we started trying for our second a little over a year ago.  While I consciously know in all likelihood I will end up with another loss, I can't seem to shake the feeling I've had with every other BFP.  That I want to allow myself to celebrate and be happy because what if this one is my rainbow baby?  I wouldn't want to look back and tell my future son or daughter how we weren't really that happy when we found out we were pregnant because of our previous losses.  For some reason I don't feel like that would be fair to them.

But at the same time I'm not ready for congratulations.  It's just way, way too early.  I think if I pass my loss milestone, seeing a heartbeat...... then I would be over the moon ecstatic to accept those words.  But for now I'll take as many positive thoughts, prayers, good juju, sticky glue etc. as anyone has on hand!  I just don't know where this will go.  I could be gone tomorrow.  I could be here in 8 ? months. 

To any TTCAL lurkers....

My heart is so divided today.  I have grown so close to many of you.  And it's not possible for me to be entirely celebratory, not only for PGAL brain reasons, but because so many of those I care for have suffered so much.  And so many have suffered recent losses.  I don't want to leave you for so, so many reasons.  I just want you all to come here (or PAL if your path leads to adoption).  Quickly.  I have received so much support from so many of you.  There are no words to be able to express my gratitude.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I don't know if I'll be staying put here, but I felt it was the right thing for me to post this here for now.   I will be lurking over there constantly while I spend at least a short stay over here.  And I will be sending you all lots and lots of love and hugs and good wishes from a far.  Please always feel free to page me.  The TTCAL board has meant so much to me and I love you all dearly.

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dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010


 <dream 2> 12.2011


 2.10.12 : 4 weeks


6.17.12 : 10 weeks


10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days


12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day


4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days


10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days


4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day


6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative


 </dream 2>


 resolve.org


AMA, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, heterozygous MTHFR


"all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream"

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***All always welcome!!***

«1

Re: I hope I can stay this time... thoughts, prayers, good juju please?

  • ::::Lurking from TTCAL:::::

     

    Anita, I am so wishing the best for you!! Tons of ((hugs)) and sticky, sticky baby glue!!! All extremities crossed for you!!!! 

    TTC Our Rainbow Since May 2011

    BFP#1 9/9/12 -- EDD 5/14/13 -- MMC 10/10/12 Miso 10/19/12

    BFP #2 9/17/13 -- EDD 5/25/14-- CP confirmed 9/21/13
     BFP #3 2/1/14 -- EDD 10/5/14 -- NMC 2/10/14

    Dx: low progesterone & mild hypothyroidism

    My Chart

    4e41feae2813d8779361f4b4a13b4b 1

    image

    ~*~All AL Welcome~*~


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  • Anita!  Oh my gosh, hun!  This is such happy news!  I'm so excited for you and sending tons of prayers that this is a GOOD, STRONG egg and another loss is NOT coming your way.  This is BFP #5 for us too in ttc#2, so I know the fee
    TTC #1 since 6/08. Cycle #6 - BFP 12/22/08, EDD 9/3/09, DD 8/14/09 at 37w1d
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    TTC #2 since 6/11
    me=36 - low AMH, DH=38
    BFP #2 - 8/31/11, EDD 5/10/12, M/C 9/23/11
    BFP #3 - 3/4/12, EDD 11/14/12, CP 3/11/12
    BFP #4 - 5/9/12, EDD 1/19/13, CP 5/11/12
    BFP #5 - 8/22/12, EDD 5/5/13, CP 8/24/12
    IVF#1 - January 2013 - EPP/Antagonist - 7R, 3M, 2F, 3dt of 2 8-cell embies
    BFP #6 - 2/3/13, EDD 10/15/13, DS 9/18/13 at 36w1d
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • Congrats!  I hope you are here for a very long time!!
    TTC since Feb 2012. Me: 39, DH: 37
    BFP #1 5/27/12- m/c 7/9/12 @ 10w2d (cytotec induced @11w).
    Fibroids, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism
    BFP #2 11/18/12  EDD 7/27/13
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Congratulations, Anita! Pull up a sticky seat!
    MC 4/09 at 6w2d 
    Rainbow Jude 
    born: 12/31/09
    Pre-E Induction at 36w4d
    11 Day NICU stay due to GBS infection

    TTC#2 10/2010
    M/C: 4/09/11 5w
    CP: 12/26/2011 
    CP: 1/28/2012 
    MMC: 4/16/2012 at 11w2d 
    Ectopic: 6/25/2012 MTX 07/03/12
    CP 11/24/2012 
    Rainbow Violet 
    born: 9/11/13

    All ALers welcome! 
  • :::::passing the glue:::::...welcome!
    BabyFruit Ticker Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • Wishing you all the best Anita! I hope this is your rainbow baby!

  • ***lurking***

     

    (((HUGS))) Anita! Many T's&P's coming your way!  


    TTC since August 2011
    BFP#1 3/16/12 EDD 11/21/12 Delivered 6/1/12 at 15 weeks 2 days
    "If there ever comes a day when we can't be together... Keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever." ~ Winnie the Pooh

    BFP#2 4/14/13 EDD 12/24/13 Please be our rainbow after the storm!
    Beta#1 @ 15dpo 274, P4 16.9 Beta#2 @ 18dpo 940!! Doubling time of 40 hours!! u/s @ 6w2d showed a beautiful HB of 120! u/s @ 10w1d HB 174!! Grow, LO Grow!! Found out 7/22 we are TEAM BLUE!!
    Zaiden Harper was born 12/22/13 at 1:46 am. 9lbs 8oz and 22in
    ~*~AL Always Welcome~*~
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    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

  • Congrats Anita!  Pull up a super sticky seat my dear, and stay put!

    TTC started Oct '10
    Me: AMA w/RSD, atypical PCOS w/IR, LPD and High Prolactin. Controlled HP post-loss.
    DH: Low-T and borderline morph
    18 cycles, 3 medicated w/RE to get to a BFP!
    EDD 9/7/12, Saw HB @7w3d,missed m/c 1/30 @8w3d, d&c 2/8
    11 AL cycles, 9 medicated/IUI cycles. All BFFN!
    Moving forward with IVF
    BFP#2 our little cycle break surprise on AL cycle 12! EDD 10/27/13
    Beta #1: 41 Beta #2: 398; perfect u/s 3/11 hb @133bpm
    u/s 3/25 one perfect hb @183 bpm, adjusted EDD 10/23/13
    MaterniT21 and carrier screens normal. It's a girl!!!
    Severe Pre-E, HFpEF, PE, AMA & IF= OAD

    imageimageimage
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
    All IF/AL Welcome!
  • {lurking from TTCAL}

    Anita, many T&P being sent your way! I hope from the bottom of my heart that you get to spend the next 8 1/2 months here! 

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Ovulation Calculator"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt196cb4.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
    TTC since early 2011
    BFP 12/24/2012 EDD 8/30/2013 MC 1/12/2013 
    BFP 4/10/2013 EDD 12/19/2013 It's a Girl!
    Elyse arrived 12/14/2013
    {AL always welcome}
  • Congrats Anita!!!!!!!!!

  • ::lurking::

    Everything crossed that this is it for you! Big (((HUGS))) and tons of good vibes coming your way!! 

    BFP#1 8/3/12~EDD 4/1/13~Natural M/C 9/1/12-9w6d 
    BFP#2 5/30/13~EDD 2/3/14~Confirmed CP 5/31/13
    7/12/13 Hysteroscopy & Lap Lysis of Adhesions
    1st Cycle on Clomid Aug '13: BFP#3 8/24/13~EDD 5/3/14
    Hoping Third Time's a Charm!!- IT'S A GIRL!!!! 
    KAYLIE MARIE IS HERE! BORN 5/4/14

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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

    Lilypie - (nUwf)

    image 
    All AL-ers welcome in my posts! <3
  • Congrats Anita!  I am so happy for you!  Pull up a sticky seat!
    BabyFruit Ticker


    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers




  • :::Lurking:::

    Yay!! Wishing you the very best! Many prayers your way xo.

     

                                                                   imageimage

    Me:41/ lean PCOS, 2 clotting disorders, IC/ DH:41~ TTC since 1/11
    Clomid 50mg,100mg,150mg | Injectables + IUI#1 & IUI#2= BFN
    IVF#1~ 8/2012~ 13 frosties~ BFP! OHSS
    12/4/12 Luke & Kyle born @ 18 weeks
    SHG+ Hysteroscopy+ FET= BFP | Cerclage+ Lovenox+ 5m Bed Rest
    ~Our wee guy is here! 11/27/13~

    PAL January Siggy Challenge~ Good Advice

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  • Anita, I am wishing and hoping the very, very best for you.  This is by far my favorite, favorite thing about today. Enjoy this moment and FX everything for you.

    The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
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  • Hoping the best for you!
    About me:AMA 41 BFP 8/1/12 EDD 4/8/12 Found no Heartbeat 9/5/12 D&C 9/12/12

    BFP 12/13/12 EDD 8/22/13 Lilah Ruby born 8/8/13

    http://lb1f.lilypie.com/zdSMm7.png
  • edgiaedgia member
    Oh sweetie, I am so excited for you!!! Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that this is it!
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • ****lurking****

    Yay! So happy for you! I wish you all the best and will keep you in my T&P for a sticky baby!

    Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers Daisypath Friendship tickers
    TTC #2 Since October 2011
    RE testing results: DH- normal ME- DX:PCOS and One copy of MTHFR gene
    IUI#1 Sept/Oct 2012-Follistim, Ovidrel, Metformin, Baby Asprin, Lovenox, Crinone, and Neevo Beta 10/24=BFN
    No 2nd IUI but instead TI with Metformin, Baby Asprin, Neevo and Prometrium
    BFP #4 5/4/13-EDD 1/19/14- grow little one, grow!
    Beta #[email protected] HCG-95, progesterone-25 Beta #[email protected] HCG-2498, progesterone-30, 1st U/S 6mm,133BPM 2nd U/S 1.6cm, 167 BPM
    Chart
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    ~*~*~*~Everyone Welcome~*~*~*~
  • Hoping that this is the time that brings you a take home baby!

  • :::lurking::: I just read your intro on stuffed ham and smiled for the first time since learning I lost my baby this week. I grew up in the same county and have that recipe framed in our house. Small world. Congrats on your BFP!
    TTC #1 as of Feb. 2013
    BFP on Mar. 4, 2013, DX with MMC (blighted ovum) at 8 weeks, D&C
    TTC again as of May 2013
    BFP on June 24, 2013, EED March 12, 2014
    Diagnosed with endometriosis, PCOS, heterozygous MTHFR and positive for ANA

    GROW BABY, GROW!
    BabyFruitTicker
  • *HUGS*! Anita I was so happy to see that green + on my FF list :) FX for you that this is it!
    BFP#1 9/28/2012 - EDD 6/3/2013 - MMC discovered 11/21/2012 @ 12w2d - D&C 11/24/2012
    BFP#2 4/4/2013 - Born at 37w3d on 11/26/13 via emergency c-section
    Loving our beautiful rainbow baby boy Archer!
    image

    ~*All AL Welcome*~
  • Congratulations!!!  Stay put!!!
    BFP #1: 3/3/12, EDD: 11/11/12, Missed M/C: 4/3/12 @ 8 weeks 2 days, D&C: 4/6/12
    BFP #2: 6/29/12, EDD: 3/8/13, Natural M/C: 7/16/12 @ 6 weeks 2 days
    Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Hypothyroidism
    BFP #3: Kendall Grace, born 9/30/13
    BFP #4: 9/3/14, EDD: 5/16/15, Missed M/C: 10/6/14 @ 8 weeks 2 days, D&C: 10/8/14
    Never in our arms, forever in our hearts
    Follow Me on Pinterest
  • ::lurking::

    Everything crossed that this is it for you! Lots of good vibes coming your way! [HUGS]

    TTC Since 8/2011
    BFP #1 5/13/12 * EDD 1/24/13 * MC at 7 wks 4 days on 6/11/12
    BFP #2 5/13/13 * Current EDD 1/23/14

    Baby N born 2/8/14


    imageimage

    Lilypie - (HD7B)

     

     

  • Fantastic news!!!  So happy you're here and all of my T&P are with you for a great visit on Monday and a H&H 9 months!!

    me:40; DH:41; 4/30/12 1st visit with RE; 6/30/12 IUI #1 BFN; 7/19/12 IUI cancelled (overmedicated); 8/2/12 IUI cancelled (cyst); 9/1/12 IUI #2 BFP! EDD 5/28/13; 10/9/12 1st U/S at 7w3d--missed m/c (trisomy 16) D&C 10/19/12; karyotyping results normal!; 1/31/13 IUI #3 BFP! EDD 10/25/13 Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Maternity tickers
  • Sticky dust!!
    image
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    ~Drew '13~Camden '12~Mihaila '10~Aaliyah '09~Noah '07~

  • Sending lots of sticky vibes to you, Anita! I hope so much that this is your rainbow baby ((((hugs)))))
    BFP #1 1.2.12 EDD 9.15.12 :: mmc 2.22.12. / d&c 2.23.12 :: 2nd d&c 3.16.12

    "there is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

    BFP #2 2.27.13 EDD 11.8.13 Grow, baby, grow!

    My Ovulation Chart

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Anniversary

    image imageImage and video hosting by TinyPic image

    ~ all ALers welcome ~

  • Congrats and good luck with Betas on Monday. Happy Easter.

    TTC Since June 2012 BFP #1 08/01/12, D&C 09/07/12 9 weeks, Blighted Ovum BFP #2 01/01/13 m/c 5 weeks BFP #3 03/02/13 D&C 4/15/13 m/c 11 weeks, 07/19/13 Hysteroscopy for Scar Tissue, 9/12813 Hysteroscopy & Laparoscopy for Scar Tissue, Cleared to TTC October 2013. 

    BFP # 4 11/01/2013 EDD 07/12/14

    Dear God, Since I couldn't hold my little one in my lap and tell him about you, could you hold him in your lap and tell him about me?

  • :::Lurking:::
    Everything crossed for you, Anita. Congrats!!!

    BFP #1 5.26.08 DD born 1.4.09
    BFP #2 3.11.12 m/c 3.26.12
    BFP #3 10.7.12 m/c 10.27.12
    BFP #4 2.24.13 ectopic MTX 3.13.13 Right tube removed 3.29.13
    BFP #5 5.27.13 DS born 1.22.14
     
    BFP #6 4.14.16

     image

    Pregnancy Ticker
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    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • Anita!  I know you from Secondary IF.  Congrats and super big hugs.  I understand how you are feeling.  I will keep you in my prayers for a happy outcome.




    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Oh Anita!!!! This post makes me sooooo happy!!!! Praying, praying, praying that this time you get to stay! ((((BIG HUGE HAPPY HUGS)))) Congrats!!!!

    [spoiler] My Blog: Grow Baby Grow

    BFP #1: 12/2009 m/c 1/2010 BFP #2: 6/2010 m/c 8/2010

    BFP #3: 10/2011 ectopic 11/2011 (right tube removed, learned left tube was probably nonfunctional due to scar tissue from infection after m/c)

    3 failed IUIs, IVF #1: 18R, 12M, 10F, 3 poor quality 5d embryos transferred= BFP #4!!!!!

    Betas: 9dp5dt: 64 ~14dp5dt: 91 (expecting miscarriage, doubling time of 236 hours) ~16dp5dt: 200~18dp5dt: 500

    First Ultrasound at 6w2d revealed two sacs, only one with a heartbeat

    LK arrived after 42 weeks on August 14, 2013! Beautiful, healthy, and happy!

    TTC#2: IVF booked for April 2015

    Surprise BFP#5 February 19, 2015 EDD: November 2, 2015

    Betas: 10dpo: 10, 14dpo: 77, 17dpo: 270

    First Ultrasound at 5w1d showed a miracle UTE baby! And right ovary ovulation to left fallopian tube.

    JD arrived at 38 weeks on October 20, 2015.

    TTC #3: Since October 2017. BFP #6 July 2, 2018 EDD: March 16, 2019 [/spoiler]


  • I do see a very faint line, I am sending you all possible positive vibes and prayers. I really truly hope this is your take home rainbow, you have been through a lot and deserve all the happiness this pregnancy can bring. I will be thinking of you!

    image Noah Michael, born sleeping 9/29/12 at 19w 3d. We love you forever Little Man! image
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    BFP: 2/4/13 EDD: 10/11/13
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Patiently waiting for Buggirl to join me!!
    Beta #1 11dpo:89 Progesterone:38.9 Beta #2 18dpo:1940
    HB seen at 6w HB 8w 5d 176bpm! Its a BOY!
    grow rainbow grow!!!!
    All Always Welcome!!
  • I hope you're here to stay!
    BFP #1 - Missed M/C, D&C 3.21.11

    BFP #2 - Sylvie V. Q. born and died on 10.28.11 at 21w. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    BFP #3 - Evie V. Q. Fetal demise @ 16w. DC 7.8.12
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    BFP  #4 - Beatrix V. Q. Born 6.2.13 at 23w6d.
    image

    My blog My chart
  • Congratulations and welcome!!!
        DS born 8-16-2013
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  • Congratulations!! Hoping this is it for you!
    3 ectopic pregnancies (EDD's 1/30/12-tube removed, 6/2/12-methotrexate and 10/2/12-methotrexate)
    IVF and Natural FET resulted in BFN's and a hole in our wallets
    Natural BFP #4 on 9/7/12 gave us our miracle on 5/18/13
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Congrats and sending lots of sticky baby thoughts your way!
    photo fb29a895-732c-493b-b5f1-15ac16bff5b5_zps53c7f13d.jpg BabyFetus Ticker
  • Yay! I totally looked at your chart this morning and saw a temp rise but no test results and thought, "Maybe???" FX for you, you'll be here to greet us when we graduate now!

    BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11

    BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14

     

    Lilypie - (2llN)

    Lilypie - (2L9u)

     

      My Recipe Blog
    ~All AL'ers welcome~

  • Lurking.....


    Anita!!!!! I am so so happy for you! Sending lots of tps that this will be your rainbow!

    image

    Missing Our July Sparkler
    BFP#1-11/12/12, MMC 1/16/13-baby stopped growing @ 9wks, found out at 13wks, D&E 1/25/13
    BFP#2-4/23/13 EDD-01/02/14 baby BOY born 12/31/13 Michael Cameron <3

  • Congrats and welcome, Anita!!!

    Lilypie - (dLe1)

     

          ***BFP 1-22-13, baby boy dx with Trisomy 13 at 15 weeks.

           We let him go to Heaven on 4-27-13 at 17 weeks 1 day***

     Lilypie - (AW2u)
     

     Lilypie - (L84X)Lilypie - (D4Hj)

     

     

     

     

  • I hope this is it, hun! Sending you lots of good vibes and sticky glue!
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    BFP#1 - 11/13/11, Natural MC - 12/24/11 at 12 weeks
    BFP#2 - 10/2/12, Please be our rainbow.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I am so happy to see this post!!  Sending you all kinds of good vibes that this baby sticks!!  I'm sure your RE's office won't mind you showing up at all!  All they have to do is draw some blood...that takes all of 2 minutes!  Can't wa
    image

    ~~PgAL March Siggy Challenge - Pet Shaming~~
    image
    TTC #1 since Feb 2011 Dx: MTHFR C677T Homozygous, Antiphospholipid Syndrome, LPD
    BFP #1: 8/4/11 c/p 4w5d
    BFP #2: 9/4/11 c/p 5w0d
    BFP #3: 1/16/12 c/p 4w0d
    BFP #4 8/9/12 m/c 7w3d
    BFP #5 11/2/12 ?EDD 7/16/13? PLEASE grow sweet baby!!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Thank you all so, so much for the warm welcome and well wishes! Lots and lots of love back!!

    dream 1 CAME TRUE 2.13.2010


     <dream 2> 12.2011


     2.10.12 : 4 weeks


    6.17.12 : 10 weeks


    10.10.12 : 4 weeks, 6 days


    12.13.12 : 9 weeks, 1 day


    4.6.13 : 4 weeks, 4 days


    10.27.13 : 5 weeks, 6 days


    4.2.14 (IVF #1) : 4 weeks, 1 day


    6.19.14 : IVF #2 Negative


     </dream 2>


     resolve.org


    AMA, Diminished Ovarian Reserve, heterozygous MTHFR


    "all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream"

    lyrics

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    ***All always welcome!!***

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