Baby Showers

NBSR: Do I have to get a wedding gift? (long)

Since today seems to be a day of wedding related questions, I've got one for you.

We were invited to DH's cousin's wedding in July (1st cousin once removed).  The wedding is in California, we live in Maryland.  DH has met this particular cousin exactly 2 times in his life, both over 20 years ago and has no contact with him or the father (DH's first cousin) or grandfather (DH's uncle, FIL's brother) other than as a Facebook friend.

At first DH really wanted to go to the wedding and I finally convinced him it was not a good idea.  Uhm, no, sorry, not traveling across the country to a wedding for someone you met twice as a kid and have no relationship with WITH a newborn (due mid to late May).

DH said "Maybe he is trying to start a relationship with the extended family and using the wedding as an excuse to do so."  Again, arguing this for months since we got the save-the-date.  I wrote a lovely note on the RSVP card saying "Congratulations, unfortunately we will be unable to attend as we are expecting in late May and it just won't be feasible for us to travel this summer.  However, if you are in Maryland or even Philadelphia [where much of DH's family lives, about a 2 hour drive] let us know and we would love to see you.

Now DH says we need to get this cousin a gift for the wedding.  I say we don't--we are not going, we don't know them.  Who is right??

 Oh and just for your pleasure:  in the invitation was an insert saying "B and G are registered at Target and Wal-Mart.  Please send any gifts ahead of time to their home (not in California, in another state).  If you have any questions about gifts, please get in touch with B's mother (phone number) or G's mother (phone number). 

BabyFruit Ticker

Re: NBSR: Do I have to get a wedding gift? (long)

  • I agree with PP.  I think this falls under the " you don't have to but it would be nice" category.  Again, you don't have to spend much, but something would be nice.
  • Eh, I'd send a $50 gift.  It's your DHs family and he wants to. you already talked him out of going to the wedding (which I don't blame you for doing!), let him have the gift... Think about all the $$ you're saving by not going!

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Loading the player...
  • imageMandJS:
    You never NEED to give a gift for a wedding. That said, it would be a nice gesture. It's your DH's family. If it matters that much to him, send a gift. Something in the $20-30 range is completely appropriate. But again. Not necessary.

    This!  Not to hurt your DH's feelings, but if they were trying to re-establish a relationship with him, there are many other when they're in town or visiting other relatives, Facebook, picking up the phone or sending holiday cards, etc., etc.  It sounds like they were inviting in circles or maybe just sending out invites to people far away that they figured would send a gift.  If DH wants to take this as an opportunity to re-establish the relationship, let him know it's more than sending a gift for the's all of the above. 

    BabyFetus Ticker; Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Since your husband REALLY wanted to go but won't, sending a gift does seem like a fair compromise.  I wouldn't go overboard, but if you can comfortably afford to send something then go for it.  You aren't obligated to do anything, but it is family.
  • If they were trying to establish a relationship they could have just called. It's rude to put registry information in the wedding invitation. (It's different than shower invitations)

    You are not required to give a gift. It is a nice gesture and if you want to than send one but it's not necessary. I usually would send something but in a situation like yours I might not bother. 

  • Normally for a wedding I would send something even if I couldn't go, but this one just confuses me because for all intents and purposes we should not have been invited.  I know we agonized on cutting the list for ours and where to draw the lines--we didn't invite people we didn't know or extremely distant relatives with whom we have no relationship. 

     Right now we are financially comfortable, but definitely feeling things right now.  We have lots of baby expenses and are looking to buy a house in the next 6 months.  So while doing a $20-30 gift would not break us, it just feels like why should I for a complete stranger when I have my own family to take care of?  I'm looking at at least 4 months of unpaid maternity (I get 6 months unpaid, but have about 8 weeks of sick/annual leave saved up) plus if Congress can't figure out how to do its job possibly some additional unpaid time due to sequestration. 

    Thanks for the responses and I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable here. With my crazy 7 month hormones I never know these days... 

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • if it were us, we probably wouldn't send a gift. if your H wants to, then let him? I also see nothing wrong with telling ppl where you're registered. I know it's not "okay" in some regions, but it's not offensive IMO.
    TTC since May 2012; BFP July 31st, 2012; EDD April 13th, 2013 BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Anniversary
  • Since I was in a similar situation to this, but from the opposite side, here is my perspective:

    For my wedding, my mother absolutely INSISTED that I invite my dad's entire family, including distant cousins whom I had not seen or spoken to since I was a teenager more than a decade ago.  I grew up in CO and that is where the wedding was, and these family members live in Rhode Island.  She said that they were family and she felt it was rude not to invite them; I thought it looked gift grabby to invite them when we knew they wouldn't be able to come.  Since she was paying for the wedding, she won, but I absolutely did NOT expect for them to come or for them to send gifts, and was not at all offended by those that didn't.  A few did send gifts, and I sent them heartfelt thank you notes.

     So, definitely don't feel obligated.  It is probably not an effort to reach out and reconnect (how connected can you really be when you live completely across the country anyway? Plus a wedding is not the time to reconnect, there's too much going on and too many people to really spend much time with any one person!), but it's also not necessarily a gift grab.  

    All that said, they ARE family, and if a small gift wouldn't hurt you financially, it would probably be appreciated, especially if it means a lot to your husband.  

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards