All I want is a little acknowledgement...

NM86

Background: DH and BM have SD, who is 5, 50/50 everything. They have equal days and nights. I watch SD 23 days a week. Me and DH also have a 1 year old DS.

So here is my vent...sorry, it might get long.

I feel like DH and BM have never said a legitimate 'thank you' to me...ever, in regards to SD. I feel like, yes she is my SD, and yes I treat her as my own...but in reality she is not. I care for her, often times more than DH does and better than BM who sends her over in dirty clothes and constantly lies about her work schedule so she doesn't have to have SD...she tells her mom and DH she is working when she isn't so that between her mom and me she rarely has SD. Putting 2 and 2 together she supposedly works 67 days a week. Yet when DH calls her at work they say she isn't there. But I digress.

Anyway, SD did soccer last season. She loved it and DH and BM agreed she should continue to do it. So this season the deadline to register was coming up, neither BM ot DH signed her up. I asked DH the last week of registration if she was going to participate and he said yes. Yet no one registered her. So I finally just did it. I gave all the dates and information to both DH and BM. So today is the day of her first practice and she needs new shin guards. Of course DH and BM didn't get them. So I went out today with SD and DS and purchased them. Then BM texts me and says she can't make it to her practice and DH did the same. Okay fine, whatever. No big deal. I'll take SD.

But the big deal is that I never got a thank you or even acknowledgement from either of them for doing what they should be doing. I told all this to DH. He said, oh...well thank you then.

Ummm, no.

I feel like they take advantage. It would be easy to just leave it up to them...but then SD would suffer becuse neither parent is responsible. They constantly forget her homework and school papers, I have to remind both of them of deadlines...and even her annual dentist and doctor appts. I have to schedule them...but then BM goes to them. She always does nothing unless it's public, like a doc appt or a school conference where she can make sure it appears she is responsible and a good mom, but behind the scenes it's me doing everything. I'm starting to get fed up.

Ugh. Sorry for the novel. I'm just frusterated.

Then BM said her work schedule 'changed' again and called DH to ask if I was watching SD on her parenting days. I was texting back and forth with her about SD's soccer today...so why couldn't she ask me? Why go through DH to ask me? It doesn't make sense. But I told him no. I used to watch SD all week long, but BM was never consistent in telling me when she would drop SD off or pick her up...often times dropping her off up to and hour before she said she would or picking her up at bedtime when she said she gets off from work at 5. I assume because she forgot which lie she told to who regarding if she was working or not, so finally I had enough and only watch SD on DH's days.

I'm at the point where I'm thinking whether it would just be easier to leave DH and just have DS and me and be happy in our simple lives...but it's not that easy.

Sorry for the novel, I don't know if I need advice or what...just needed to get that off my chest.

cole2144

You need to step back and let BM and your DH sink or swim on their own. Otherwise they will never take responsibility for their child and that is wrong. They take advantage of you because you let them. If I were you, I would have a come to Jesus talk with your DH.

SimpleJane

Clearly you are harboring a lot of resentment toward DH and BM. You need to sit down and have a strongly worded conversation with DH, and if you are seriously entertaining the thought of leaving maybe with a marriage counselor as well.

You seem to be frustrated to the point that you need to just wash your hands of it for a while. You don't feel respected or appreciated, but still you keep picking up the slack for them. Stop doing all of the parenting stuff. It is their responsibility, they need to own it. Your DH is being a lazy parent because he knows you'll do it for him. So stop doing it!

Ilumine

Seriously, stop doing it all.

If your DH cannot be bothered getting his daughter signed up for soccer, then it really isnt something he cares about. 

If your BM cannot watch her child on her time, then it is up to her (not you or DH) to figure something out.

I would bet, that once you STOP doing it all, your DH will realize exactly what you have been doing - ie WHAT PARENTING IS.

And to be honest with you....this is how he is going to be with your LO.  So be prepared to do all of the parenting for LO too.

caden1206

I am not in the camp of just stopping everything you are doing for SD to teach BM and DH a lesson.  The reality is that the kid is probably going to suffer if you abruptly stop doing things for her.  You sound like a pretty compassionate person and don't want to do that.  I have been in your shoes plenty of times wanting to teach lessons, but the reality is that my son came first and I always just did what I needed to do.  Ultimately I have to look myself in the mirror.

 

I do think you need to start with DH and have a nice conversation.  It doesn't sound like you really mind doing stuff for SD, it is just that you feel taken advantage of and unappreciated.  I think if you can clearly convey your message to DH that he might be willing to see it from you perspective because honestly it is even easy to see online.  As far as BM, I think you should work on your family first.  I think that it will improve all around once you and DH are on the same page.  Then the two of you can formulate a plan to help BM see what she needs to do.  If she doesn't do it, then oh well, but at least you and DH are a team for both SD and DS.

mccall0113

Kudos to you for doing what's in the best interest for the child.  But don't let it wear you down.  YH may not know the toll it has taken on you.   Speak up and good luck!

KatieandMark06

Not to sound rude but this sounds like it is hurting yours and DHs marriage too.  It is good that you are so awesome with SD but he needs to step up to the plate or this is never gonna change,  If it were me I would straight up tell him this.

Nineoceans

I'm sorry. I have totally been there. I just completely backed out. SS isn't in any sports now but I'm also not arguing and dealing with BM all the time either so sadly I will count it as a win.

Also I don't think sports are the only way to have a well rounded kid. Instead of arguing and causing tension we just do fun things on our time and then send him back to do different fun things at his moms

2chatter

Can you set a schedule?  You will take care of SD X, Y and Z.  Anything outside of that, BM is responsible for securing her own care, and DH needs to stick to this as well, responding with a set "we are not able to assist at that time" every.single.time.  Period.  Then you remain in SD's life on DH's time, and are less taken advatage of.  When I say less, I mean that the only person taking advantage is then your spouse, and IMO that is much easier to handle than BM.  You will then need to figure out how you and DH parent together.  I find when three people parent, it's like playdates with three little girls.  Someone ends up with hurt feelings.  For your time, you and DH parent together.  Both you and DH can converse with BM about things that bridge the parenting time.  But DH or BM is responsible for those things (like DR. appointments).

I have a question too - and I promise I am not being the least bit assumptive or offensive. What is the reason you make the appointments?  In your situation, I would do it because DH and BM talking non stop about doing things and not doing them makes me CRAZY and it does not benefit the skids.  However, after I stopped caring how much they talk and don't act, it really helped my sanity.  It also helped me to draw a line - "so, if it were DS who needed to go to the dentist, and you had time call, would you?" 

If you can get to a point where you can care about your family, and DH shoulders more of the responsibility, but you don't have to deal with the BM generated schedule insanity, you might be in a better place with everything.

NM86

I make the appts because in the past BM would make them but then not say anything to us and not go. Then the doc office would call DH and ask why we missed our appt. Or BM would make appts on DH's time and then tell him she would come get SD and take her to the appt.

So since DH carries SD's insurance he...or I should say I, makes the appts and asks BM if she wants to be there so he can make it for her parenting time, then he reminds her of the appt the day before.

Seriously, it's like she is a kid. We've given her all the chances to act like a responsible adult, but when you miss appts they charge you. Since it's DS' doctor too they just put the charge on the account and we end up paying it when we take him to the doctor.

I really want to try and split the account. We had a credit on the account from DS but BM decided she would use it for SD's copay. I know it's not a big deal, but it's the fact that its DS' money and I felt... Irrationally I know...that she took it from him. She is responsible for 50 of SDs doc appts but never pays. She just asks the office to send a bill, which comes to us.

Anyway, I know I need to back off a bit but its hard. Thank you everyone for your advice.

Jjohnson6212

I don't have much advice. But wanted to let you know you're definitely not alone!
It's the same way with my SS. BM up and moved out of state and comes and goes as she pleases. Then once she pops up I'm the one SS treats like poop bc I'm not her mom. Even if I am the one with her 90 o the time literally just left school for a function thy asked me to volunteer for.

My husband and I are expecting our first child together in June we both have a daughter from prior relationships and all the drama with his daughter and ex has just caused undue stress! I know I'm extra hormonal but I gave a break down daily! Just taking it day by day hoping it gets better.