- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Need Advice...adding to family
My DH has 2 wonderful SS they are almost 6 & 8. I'm on the fence about having a baby together. Anyone have any tips or advice on how you decided to add to your family. DH says it's completely up to me he has 2 and he has expirenced it but if I want to have one for the expirence he is completely by my side. I just can't decide. the boys are old enough you can take them places to do things and see things and they are into more that it's hard to think about starting all over.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need Advice...adding to family
I have always said I dont really want children, or at least when I was in my early 20's part of that I believe was because I hadn't found the right guy. I have since met my DH and love his 2 boys as if they were my own. We trade with their mother every other week and it's very hard adjusting them back to our house where they have to eat their dinner pick up after themselves and have rules. When they are away for the week I miss them dearly but it's nice we can run where ever we need to and not have to truck a baby around in and out of stores or in the cold. My ex husband was not a good husband let alone would never have made a good father, he couldn't even take care of himself.
we would not have a baby just for the expirence...but it is a life changing expirence of giving birth to your own child vs raising someone else's children as your own children. is the expirence I'm speaking of.
I also realize being on the fence needs to become a solid decision before TTC I'm not a child.
This statement is a bit ridiculous. You came to us and asked for advice. You also said you were unsure so we are responding to the information you gave us. If you can not handle that, you should not have asked the question.
I always knew that I wanted to experience pregnancy and having my own child. There are some people who know they do not want to have children. I think you should know within yourself which category you fall into.
I understand what you are saying about having your couple/free time. When my son is with his dad it is sometimes nice to have my free time. I have contemplated having another child down the road and I would have to decide if I want to give up that free time. I don't have a lot of family that would probably babysit and I don't have a lot of money to pay a sitter so if I have another child it would be hard to have free time or still do couple stuff. But you have to decide which is more important to you. But if you have family nearby you would probably still get free time. Grandparents love to watch the littles ones on the weekends every once and awhile.
Of course there are a lot of other factors mainly the cost to raise another child and whether you would work or not and who would watch the baby while you are working.
I've been pretty much everywhere you can be on the spectrum of not wanting any kids and WANTING kids.
When DH and I met, DS was 3 and I didn't want any more kids. DH was upfront from the beginning about wanting 1-2 kids. I eventually came around. We had DD together and couldn't be happier that we have her.
But I can identify with that feeling of not wanting to 'start over.' I was really afraid of that. But it honestly doesn't feel like that at all for me. DD is so different from DS that it's not the same experience at all.. it all feels new.
I think you just have to look really deep down and think about whether you'll be happy at 40 and 50 and 60 if you do choose not to have a baby.
That is the delema in my head right now I will of course be happy with DH and probaby by 60 have grandkid running around but I can't figure out if I will look back and think I wish we would have had a baby together. I'm pretty content right now without one and raising his 2 boys but I keep debating with myself will i regret not having a child of my own someday. I don't like the fact I don't get called mom and they don't get excited to see me like they do their dad and mom. but I dont think that is reason enough to have a baby to just get to be called mom. I take better care of them than their mother i just dont get the "Mom" credit from them for it yet...maybe someday
I say give it some time. You will know if it is right. Right now you have the luxury of weighing out your options and talking to DH. I just wouldn't let any reason other than you want to share the parenthood experience with your DH influence you. Good luck.
P.S. My son is 10 and I am starting over. I couldn't be more excited to watch my son and his sister interact.
Sometimes when I can't figure out if I really want to do something, I try to figure out if I'll regret not doing it. I'm not sure how old you are and what you feel your timeline is... but hopefully you have some time to sort out your feelings.
I think I would echo some PPs thoughts that if you are not 100% sure, it's probably best to hold off. If you wanted to take some tentative steps toward TTC (just to see how things feel) you could schedule an appointment with your ob/gyn to discuss it.
DH is 31 and I am 29, we have sometime to figure it out yet. I just dont want a huge age difference between the boys and any potential child. DH has a half sister that is 11 so they don't really have a relationship, she is closer to his boys than him. We take her places and do things with her and the boys because his mom and step dad are very protective of her. but I dont want that distance between DH sons and a potential baby we would have together.
I feel like we share the parenting experience together raising his 2 boys we have them every other week. but am I missing out on something because they aren't biologically mine? It's hard when they say things like mom says we don't have to listen to you and we don't have to do this or that at moms house but try to stay positive and remind them we have different rules here than mom has at her house. There may come a day sooner than later that their mother moves away and we have them all the time except every other weekend. she has a baby by a guy that lives a hour and half away and has a family farm that he wont be leaving and they are suppose to be getting married this year or begining of next or at least that is what she says. If we have them all the time I think I would feel even more so that they are mine.
If it makes you feel any better, I birthed both mine and they have tried to tell me they don't have to listen to me. I'm not a SM, so I can't really speak to the differences/nuances. But I can tell you that a lot of the behavior I see discussed here is more straight up kid misbehavior/disrespect than STEPkid misbehavior/disrespect.
How do you feel about potentially having your SS's all the time?
When I married DH he knew we would have DS 95% of the time, and from the beginning he really had to approach our relationship thinking about doing a lot of parenting. I have often wondered what it would be like for him if it was closer to 50/50 or if things changed drastically.
I was content with DH's two boys. I did not plan on having a third. It was a rocky road to start. I became a SAHM, which was not in my plans. I still hate what pregnancy has done to my body.
However, I think it is a deeply personal issue that only you can answer. It's wonderful you and DH can talk so openly about it and that he supports you either way.
I would love to have them here all the time. Well most days anyway. haha. They do so much better when they are with us vs with her. The school notices a big difference I have gotten the 7 yr old caught up to the 1st grade level he wasn't even at a prek level going into 1st grade this year. and with me helping with his homework everynight after school (his mom was working until begining of december so they would ride the bus here). It was nice spending that extra time with them and being able to help them catch up in school. She doesn't work with them and gives them Ipods to do "school work" and reads to him rather than making him read. I like being able to take them places and do fun stuff together and it sucks when there is something they want to do but it's their moms time and we can't go do it. That is my arguement with myself to not add on. they are to the age where you can start going to amusement parks longer car rides places and to put a baby in that mix I think we wouldn't be able to go do as many fun things. They have found a love for hockey games. too loud to take a baby too. and I dont want to have to find a sitter or ask a family member to babysit everytime we want to take the boys and do something that wouldn't be appropriate for a baby to go to.
We really enjoy being done with two kids. I had some second thoughts after DD was born--she was such an easy delivery and an easy baby. I was 29 when she was born and 35 had always been my self-imposed baby deadline.
It took a few months of soul searching (on my part--DH felt done), but I decided I really felt happy with two kids. What convinced me was mostly the notion that I could do more with/for two kids than I could do for three (or more). If we had endless space and money, I probably would have wanted another couple kids.
And now at their ages (8 & 3), we are kind of just getting to the point of being able to do the things you describe. It is a challenge to do things like hockey games or even movies with a baby--sure, there are people who just take the baby and go. But we aren't really like that. I am a sleep/naptime/bedtime nazi. So the notion that you can't do things is true I think, but it doesn't last forever.