2/2/5 Pros and Cons?

IfMamaAintHappy

My first post here last week was to ask advice on whether I should attend the sit down meeting with DH and BM to discuss the modification. I heeded the wise advice here and chose to stay home during the meeting yesterday. It is a good thing I was not there as the tone of the meeting was not pleasant and according to the usually cool and calm DH, BM made a lot of untrue, disingenuous statements and veiled insults which got his blood pressure way up.

Regardless, the proposal on the table at the moment is for a 2/2/5 split. All of the other terms are extremely favorable and what we wanted, but we have never done such a schedule where we are without the kids for such a stretch of time. Currently we alternate days during the school week with transfers at school. Anyone else currently doing 2/2/5 that can give me some feedback? Our biggest concern is not us being without the kids, but them being with their flaky inconsistent unreliable mom for 5 days in row twice a month. She can't keep sports schedules straight, pawns them off on friends when something comes up she wants to do rather than being home with them, won't take them to the doctor when they are sick, etc. With our current schedule, the kids see us nearly everyday either morning or evening and we can pick up her slack and they are taken care of.

We are both terrified of the thought of them being subject to her whims for 5 days in a row without us on a consistent basis, but we are trying to keep an open mind as we go through these negotiations. We have two weeks until the next meeting. Any thoughts welcome.

new+tothis

If you're concerned about that long stretch of time what about a 2-2-3 schedule? So it would look like this: week 1 - mom on Mon, Tues, dad on Wed, Thurs, back to mom Fri-Sun. Week 2 - dad on Mon, Tues, mom on Wed, Thurs, back to dad on Fri-Sun. That's basically the same schedule but instead of having 2 set days a week with each parent and alternating the other 3, you would alternate everything.

IfMamaAintHappy

We all agree the school days must remain the same and consistent meaning if we have them Mon Tues, we need to have them every Mon Tues so they are not constantly having to wonder where they will be. They are only 6 and 9. Otherwise, your suggestion would help solve the problem. I need to start playing with the calendar on paper to figure out some options. I believe her biggest argument in favor of this schedule is that she thinks she will effectively eliminate us from their lives for stretches of time, but that is not in keeping with the true coparenting they have been doing for years. She made many statements that she doesn't like having to communicate via email hello 8 months ago she insisted on it per her prior lawyer, they don't communicate well, etc. Then she complained DHs emails are too long they simply lay out the upcoming month's schedule to which she rarely responds or just replies ok. I digress....

SimpleJane

IfMamaAintHappy:

We all agree the school days must remain the same and consistent meaning if we have them Mon Tues, we need to have them every Mon Tues so they are not constantly having to wonder where they will be. They are only 6 and 9. Otherwise, your suggestion would help solve the problem. I need to start playing with the calendar on paper to figure out some options. I believe her biggest argument in favor of this schedule is that she thinks she will effectively eliminate us from their lives for stretches of time, but that is not in keeping with the true coparenting they have been doing for years. She made many statements that she doesn't like having to communicate via email hello 8 months ago she insisted on it per her prior lawyer, they don't communicate well, etc. Then she complained DHs emails are too long they simply lay out the upcoming month's schedule to which she rarely responds or just replies ok. I digress....

I agree with keeping school days the same. We used to rotate and DS really struggled with not knowing where he was supposed to be. He has thrived on a set schedule. MTUES with one parent, WTHURS with the other, then rotating weekends is pretty standard 50/50 in my area. Its what usually works best when the kids are in school. I think the only con would be the 5 day separation. I think they are old enough so that will be fine though. The lawyer I spoke with when we were figuring out custody said that kids under five often can't go that long, but once school aged its more common.

IfMamaAintHappy

That's what I'm hearing that it is becoming more common in our area and if we have a hearing there is an equal chance that a judge will order that schedule as opposed to keeping the status quo. Currently kids are thriving and excelling in school and activities, but if she keeps claiming the current schedule doesn't work a judge may go her way. Although she has absolutely no evidence to support her position other than SHE doesn't like it. Nevermind we are following exact schedule she insisted upon less than a year ago. Even if we agree to this, we acknowledge there is a high likelihood she won't really like it and in a few months we will revert back to splitting the weekends like we have been. Or at least she will allow us to have the kids during that 5 day stretch. We live 5 min away.

new+tothis

Can you tell my kiddo hasn't started school yet?

What about just alternating one night a week? Like, kids would be with mom every Sunday-Tuesday and with dad from Wednesday-Fri. Then you could alternate Saturday nights (or whatever days work for you). That would be a compromise with only 4 days instead of 5 away from either parent and the alternating day could be on the weekend so it doesn't interfere with school.

That is basically the schedule I just started with my DS. He's younger than your SKs but I'm nervous about the 4 days stretch every other week. Heck, I'm nervous about the 3 day stretch. We haven't been doing it long enough to know if it's a good choice.

Banana44

We have been doing 2, 2, 5, 5, for 4 years.  SS is nearly 10 and in the 4th grade. It works out great.  We like it because we can plan activities on our set days (Wed, Thurs) and not have to worry about BM not taking him or fighting us about it (Like swim lessons, guitar, whatever).  The 5 day separation is not that bad (but we are used to it).  We use to go back and forth much more and that was aggravating for us and SS.  Having the consistency of 5 days in 1 home is actually good for the kids- and you can call them to make sure things are going well.

 SS is now requesting that we move to a full EOweek schedule.  He wants to reduce the back and forth even more.

 I think you should at least try the schedule.  It really must be hard on kids to be in the 2 homes and back and forth every single day. 

nattyncbride

My DS is only 3, and we do the 2/2/5/5.  We are used to it, and I don't have the same issues you have with your kids' BM.  I can only say for us it's great b/c we both get to see him during the week, and we alternate weekends, which is nice to rest, get things done and ready to have DS again.

My SO has a DS who is 8, and he and his ex-W have the same schedule for their son.  Since he has more activities, they are able to split them (he has practice on M, W, and Sa, so his dad can see him on M, mom W, and the Sa practice alternates), and I think they like that.  That said, he is at the age where I think they are thinking about week on/week off, which will provide more stability for their DS.  But sounds like that won't be a while for you b/c even this 2/2/5/5 will be new to all of you.

Good luck; I'm sorry you are having to do deal with an irresponsible adult, but she might change with this new schedule.  Or this schedule might prove to be too demanding and she might want less of the kids less and you'll have them more anyhow.  Since you are 5 min away, it sounds like you can be there for them if they need you.  Again: good luck!!