Hello...I lurk! What can I say, I'm a party etiquette geek.
But I'm stuck on this one. I'm happy to host a shower for my SIL, but she is being very uncharacteristically a "mom-to-be-zilla" . She gave me a co-ed guest list of nearly 80 people and has gone as far to request specific invitations, and insists I have it catered. The way things are going, I could pay for the kids first year at college after tallying up these shower costs. She's also insisting that the shower take place at her home so she doesn't have to "transport gifts" but I think its terribly tacky!
My question is...how do I handle this?! I want to do this for her and my future nephew, but she is being a little unreasonable imo. I would love for her to just relax and enjoy herself - and trust that I'll throw her a lovely shower!
Re: SIL is mom-zilla
I would come up with a budget you can afford, and sit down with her and let her know how excited you are about planning her shower, but that with your budget you can do the following: cake/punch for 80, catering for 10-15, etc. I don't think she needs to know what your budget is, but I would give her 2 or 3 options (and this is honestly being more accommodating than you need to be) and ask her to make cuts to either the guest list or food expectations.
Once you have a guest list and date, let her know that you're going to handle the planning and aren't going to discuss anything else with her- you just want her to show up the day of.
If she can't work with you on these, I would just tell her you don't have the means to host the type of shower she's expecting, and rescind your offer.
As far as holding it in her home, I don't think it's tacky so long as you're clearly the hostess. I've been to plenty of showers at the MTB's house and never thought anything of it.
Lol- I don't think you need to feel bad...it's certainly not tacky to NOT do it at MTB's house. I think most people have it ingrained in their heads that the mom can't host or plan, so not having it at her house seems like the logical next step....except that it's pretty well accepted!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I would edit this to read that you set the budget but the mom to be provides the guest list. that is she decides who to invite.
I would just have an honest talk with sil and tell her that there is a disconnect between her vision and your budget. I wouldn't get in to specifics on how much you are prepared to spend, but rather would ask her what is most important to her. If inviting 80 is it, then would she consider serving cake and punch? If she feels it MUST be catered then can she get the guest list under 30? If she isn't willing to budge then I would apologize and tell her that you are unable to host after all.
And even catering for 30 people - still expensive.
Yes, the OP can say "My budget is ___. If you can think of a way to do 80 people on that, great" - but even so.... If the OP simply isn't comfortable hosting that many people, she's allowed to say "no" to 80 people. The # of people has a very direct impact on budget.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It sounds like she's getting way too involved for what is supposed to be a gift for her. Just sit her down and tell her what you can reasonably afford. Like PP have said, if it is mort important to her to have more people, then the food will have to be dialed down. If she wants really good food, then the guest list will have to be significantly trimmed, which it already does since 80 people is just way overkill in my opinion. This is your gift to her. She does not get to make demands on the outcome. The only input she really gets to give is that which you request from her. The rest, she needs to ust leave up to you.
I would have a firm, yet kind, talk with her saying that, while you would like to give her everything she wants, it is just not within reason of your budget. Come up with a number that you feel comfortable with, give that to her, and ask her to trim down the guest list. Also, reassure her that you have invitations and other details under control and that you just want her to relax and show up.
If she fights you repeatedly on any of this, I would just bow out of hosting altogether, as it would then be way more trouble than it's really worth. Hopefully it doesn't get to that point. I'm hoping she's just overexcited and doesn't really know how hands off she's really supposed to be, and that a tactful conversation will set her straight so that you are free to take control!
Good luck!
I think it's tacky too. I know this board generally doesn't, but it just doesn't feel right to me.
I agree your SIL is out of line and that you should start by saying "I'm willing to host x amount of people." and then go from there. I don't think you should have to tell her how much you are willing to spend, since it's a gift to her and she doesn't need to know what you're spending. But she needs to dial back her expectations and I think that starts by not letting her run away with the planning.