Has IF come between you and a friend?

intheplanningstage

One of my best friends has 2 kids. A 1 and 2 year old-11 months apart. Yes, 11 months. First one was planned and the second was an 'oops'.

 For the first year of her having a kid, we weren't TTC yet but she ALWAYS complained about things related to the kid.  She just wanted to sleep, she wished the kid would just be quiet, she hates 'not being able to go anywhere'...etc. I even talked to her DH about whether she has postpartum depression but it seems no-she's just complaining. We started TTC shortly before she had her 2nd kid and the complaining has only got worse, as you can imagine with 2 kids that close together. I know its hard, I know they must try her patience---but it's pretty absurd the amount of facebook and real life complaints I hear.

 The other day, after getting officially diagnosed as "infertile" (hitting that year mark), I told her about our struggles. She asked if there was anything she could do and I straight up told her, stop taking those babies for granted! They are a gift and I'd give anything to have them, so stop and think about how lucky she is every time she goes to complain.

 Nothing has changed-she continues to post things about getting no sleep, how hard it is to take care of 2 kids, etc....and I'm at my witts end with it. She's such a good friend, and has been for years,so I don't want to 'block her' because I want to see the pics of the kids and the occasional positive updates. She even calls me the kids "aunt". I hate to think that we are going to have a blow up over this.  I know it's her right to say whatever she wants online and it's my problem to deal with it...but I'm starting to question if I can even be around the crazy amount of complaining and drama when I'm trying so desperately to have a kid of my own!

 Just wondering if anyone has similar issues.  I pin little jokes about stupid complaints from moms on my pinterest but that board is private. Maybe i should make it public and see if she gets the memo

Laylarue

I'm not sure if IF has came between me and my friends, but has for sure changed who I am so in turn it has changed my friendships.  However, this is because of how I act.  They have not changed who they are, but I have changed how I respond to them.  I don't believe this is anyone's fault, it's just what it is.

I would say if she has been a good friend to you then you should try to maintain that friendship just maybe with some boundaries.  If you have a problem with her complaining then all you can do is hide her on FB or change the subject if she brings it up in conversation.  People can not change their lives because of what we are going through.  You can't control how they act you can only control how you react to it.  Hope that made sense.  Good luck!

 

ETA: I wanted to add though if this friend is directly being hurtful like Kiki mentioned above, then that is on her and I think it would be time to move away from the friendship. 

intheplanningstage

Maybe I should send her this ) https://www.fancylittlethings.com/2012/05/the-ten-worst-things-to-say-to-your-infertile-bff/

Morris811

Situations like this are really, really tough. I am sorry you have to deal with this.  IF has actually come between my family. My BIL and SIL are the worst. BIL thought it was a good idea to share our IF struggle. SIL complained about weight gain, bed-rest etc. Their little one was born way early and has special needs and yet she continues to complain about how life isn?t fair. My nephew is beautiful and perfect in my eyes and it kills me that they have the nerve to complain about it.

 You can?t expect people to change, no matter how much you wish they would or understand IF, they never will until they go through it. The best way I deal with them is to block them. If I want to see what is going on in their life via fb, I will check their pages, knowing that it may or may not piss me off. I don?t have an option to walk away from them, but this is how I deal with them.

chickyclg

IF has mainly come between me and my best friend because I have put distance between us.  Last feb I got a BFP(i was trying) and she got hers 1 week later (she wasn't) I had a MC last march due to lack of development. Well she had her little girl (who is also my God Daughter) on my due date. I love them to death but I can not hold her without thinking of the what ifs.  But I honestly at the end of the day I don't know what I would do with out her. 

rbtrumpet

I had a friend who was similar.  (I think I posted about it in "stuff stupid people say" on TTGP a week or so ago).

Basically she complained through her entire pregnancy, and complains about EVERYTHING about having a baby.  And she always talks to me about who is pregnant now.

I finally told her about our IF struggles, and said I couldn't talk about "baby" things anymore because it was too painful.  Her response was "Ohh - I didn't know" and then proceeded to:
a) complain about her baby and ask my advice (dude - I *just* told you I was infertile, I don't have mothering advice for you!)
b) ask me if I wanted to babysit so she could get some time away
and then concluded with
c) "I can't wait for you to have kids so we can hang out again!"

I didn't talk to her for about a month.  Actually, the only reason I talk to her at all is because I'm friends with her husband, and DH is friends with her.  She recently did actually reach out to me and ask me how our testing was going, but I replied with a general "we're still in the middle of testing and won't know anything for a while yet."  I just regret opening up to her, but I know our friendship would have worn very thin if I didn't (since she seems to ONLY be able to talk about baby stuff).

PurplePanda2

IF has made me a bit more distant from 2 cousins that I have always been very close with.  As we were starting treatments 1 got pregnant (so we kept our struggle secret from them) and then a few months later the other one got pregnant.

 

They don't know about our struggle, so the distancing comes from my side - I just don't reach out to them as much because they mostly talk about their child or being pregnant.  I hid one's FB page because she constantly complained about being pregnant.  I do check her page every now and then to see how she is doing, but I get to see it when I choose, rather than when she feels like posting something.

icogburn

Laylarue:

I'm not sure if IF has came between me and my friends, but has for sure changed who I am so in turn it has changed my friendships.  However, this is because of how I act.  They have not changed who they are, but I have changed how I respond to them.  I don't believe this is anyone's fault, it's just what it is.

I would say if she has been a good friend to you then you should try to maintain that friendship just maybe with some boundaries.  If you have a problem with her complaining then all you can do is hide her on FB or change the subject if she brings it up in conversation.  People can not change their lives because of what we are going through.  You can't control how they act you can only control how you react to it.  Hope that made sense.  Good luck!

 

ETA: I wanted to add though if this friend is directly being hurtful like Kiki mentioned above, then that is on her and I think it would be time to move away from the friendship. 

 

All of this! Well said.  My friends don't mean to be mean/thoughtless, we just have different priorities. Seasons change. 

rbtrumpet

thekikimonster:

IF came between my "best" friend and I. When I first started to really struggle emotionally, she told me that I had NO right to feel sad when someone else got pregnant and I didn't. I explained that it wasn't that I wasn't happy for them but sad for myself and she told me that didn't matter, there should be no sadness at all coming from me for someone else's miracle. That was only the beginning to the decline in our relationship.

ohh boo - that really sucks

katib77

There is an option to not hide but not see every little update she makes. On one of her posts, in the right coner hit hide post, then it will ask what types of updates from her you want. Keep photos checked and "life status" updates so important messages get through. But mark her as an "aquaintence"...this will cut the ampounts of posts you see.

Twinkie0612

IF has definitely changed the relationship between me and my coworker.  I won't say it ruined our friendship because that ship sailed a long time ago, but I find it harder to put up with her now. 

She announced her current pregnancy the day after I hit the year mark.  It honestly wouldn't have bothered me, except she kept going on and on about how she didn't want to be pregnant and that the pregnancy was unplanned (she later said that she was on and off BC and stopped taking it because she couldn't rember the pill everyday, so I'm not sure how that is unplanned but ok).  She also complains non stop about how much she hates being pregnant.  I honestly I'm not sure she has said anything positive about this baby/pregnancy and she is due in 5 weeks. 

After a few weeks of listening to the nonstop complaining, I came out to her about our IF problems.  I even explained that it is sometimes hard for me talk about babies and pregnancy (which isn't exactly true, it is hard for me to listen to her complain about babies and pregnancy).  She didn't take the hint and still complains non stop and now feels the need to give advice and ask for updates.  Now I am counting down the weeks until she starts ML. 

megs3084

Ive had friends ive had to hide because of the complaining. Others ive deleted and explained that its too difficult to see. My bff from kindergarten ripped me a new one about how ive changed and i cant use hormones and meds as an excuse. She also tried to liken my if to her abortion she had then revealed an ectopic. She never wants kids. Im not saying i think she made it up but the story doesnt sit right w me. Needless to say our friendship has changed.

herecomesthesun

katib77:

There is an option to not hide but not see every little update she makes. On one of her posts, in the right coner hit hide post, then it will ask what types of updates from her you want. Keep photos checked and "life status" updates so important messages get through. But mark her as an "aquaintence"...this will cut the ampounts of posts you see.

I tried this a few weeks ago with a family member who just announced and every single one of her posts is now about "baby's first X" and I still got an update about baby's first ski trip. Uhh really now, Facebook. Why did a very unimportant update from an acquaintance make it?