punished for a good job

brettsmama

So I know many Moms work because they want to and many because they have to. I am a little of both but mostly I fall into the have to crowd.

When DH I met, married had DS we were both working and had good jobs. I made more than DH and could even work part time still make at least equal to his pay.

I never thought I wanted to stay home completely, but after DS was born I dreaded going back to work. DH said it didn't make sense financially for me to stay home because I made more money. That basically made me feel like I was being punished and forced to work because I had a good education good job.

Fast forward: DH lost his job in 2010 when DS was 6 months old. He has been a full time student ever since. I work full time plus over time putting in more hours than before we had kids. I feel like I'm being robbed of being with my son more simply because I have a good job that makes good money. Like I'm being punished. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.

AsOctoberFalls

I do sometimes feel that way, but look at the flip side...you could be forced to work AND have a crappy, low-paying job.

Nechie122

You're not being punished; you're in the incredibly fortunate situation of being able to keep your family afloat after your DH's work situation fell apart.

But it sounds like you need DH to step it up and take the pressure off of you. You don't say what he's studying, how much longer he has in school or whether he could take on a PT job. But presumably this is a temporary situation, and once your DH gets his degree, some of the burden will be lifted from your shoulders. If DH is going to school mainly to avoid working, then you have a problem, but otherwise you just need to hang in there a little longer.

laurakaz13

Men work good paying jobs all the time to support their families.  I've never heard one say he was being "punished".  You are very lucky to have your great job. 

I don't HAVE TO work, but if DH lost his job mine could easily keep our family afloat and I am damn proud of that. 

What is your DH studying?  Can he step it up and get a PT job as PP said?  Hopefully he choose a decent career field that will get him a job in this economy.  Sounds like it's a temporary situation and you need to grin and bear it for a short period of time. 

FemShep

As PPs have said, you need to change your mindset.  Instead of thinking, "Poor me, I have to work.  I'm being punished because I have a good job and I'm being robbed of time with my son," focus on the positives.  It's just as accurate to say, "I'm so happy I can support our family and those years of hard work paid off.  I'm proud of my successful career.  I'm setting a great example for my son by showing him that women can be just as successful in their careers as men."

Focus on the positives, be grateful you can support your family.  And yes, ask DH to help out more as well.   

LoCarb

::hugs::

Sometimes I feel this way. I hope you are able to find balance.

shannm

Do you see a light at the end if the tunnel? I mean, will this degree really guarantee your DH good employment? If so, think of this time as an investment. If not, I would have a heart to heart with your husband and have him reassess his situation and how he can better contribute to take some of the pressure off of you.

jf198400

I totally understand what you mean, 100%! I have often used the exact same phrase of being "punished for doing a good job." I used to make more money than DH, than we were even, and within the last 2yrs, he has surpassed me in salary. But I still contribute substantially to our income, so I have to work for now. I have never resented DH for it. My problem is that I have always been jealous of my friends who can afford to SAH b/c they were unsuccessful at finding a good job. It didn't make sense for them to work because they made so little money. I felt like it was so unfair. I still somewhat feel this way. But I realized that a lot of my unhappiness was b/c I hated my job so much. I changed jobs closer to home and am much happier. You have to figure out what you can do, to help you make peace with your situation. Maybe once your DH is employed again, you could consider going PT. I was able to work 32hrs/week M-Th after ML and it was WONDERFUL! I had to go back to FT when I changed jobs, but I would love to go PT again someday in the future.

brettsmama

Thank you all SO much for the comments. As pp said, I think a lot of my problem is jealousy of SAH friends I feel like if I wasn't as successful we would have made the decision for me to SAH too.
That being said, ya'll are right, I need to think of the positives and be grateful for all I have been able to provide for us because of my job and education. It's hard to remember that sometimes when I feel like my baby is not a baby anymore, the time went so fast.
Yes, our situation is temporary. Hubby is getting the same degree I have and will likely earn the same or more money. We find out this week if all of his school issues are fixed, if so he will graduate by next Christmas. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. SO our future looks better, but I just know I'm never getting this time back with DS.
Thank you again!

itsmevkb

I never felt like I was being punished but sometimes I get a little jealous of the time my husband has at home, both with our kids and by himself.  Whenever I start feeling that way I think about how lucky we are as a family to have one parent who gets to be with our kids quite a bit of the time.  For us, that will always be my husband and not me but marriage and parenthood are a partnership and we each do what we need to do to make our family work. 

Mustardseed2007

AsOctoberFalls:

I do sometimes feel that way, but look at the flip side...you could be forced to work AND have a crappy, low-paying job.

I love this. I am going to keep this in mind because I feel like this sometimes, too.

jetgrrrl

I know a lot of women who have become breadwinners and I know that the burden isn't easy on them - makes you think about how tough it must have been for men all these years when it was expected they would always be breadwinners. While the middle-class1950s dads had it good in a lot of ways (wife taking care of everything on the home front) it had to be a lot of pressure too.

Anyway, I have worked full time with both my kids and my "baby" is rapidly leaving babyhood, and I totally understand what you mean about "not getting this time back". But you know, there is a limit to what you're going to be able to actively remember about your kids' childhoods in general, and I'm not sure you'd remember more if you stayed home than you will not having stayed home, do you know what I mean? Certain things will stand out in your mind and become your memories whether you're with them all the time or not. You will have memories to treasure no matter what. So you can decide to either enjoy the good parts of your work and be PROUD of yourself (as you should!!!!) that you are supporting your family AND enjoy the time you have with your LO, or you can regret the time you're not spending. The choice is yours. And I know full well that is easier said than done, but it is also true.