Okay. I get it now.

+just+j+

Background:  When H first got the job, he said his boss told him that it would be no problem on the weekends that he has DD.  He made a big deal about how it was not an issue.

He's been working alot of hours, and that's fine but this past week he starts to make comments that might indicate that he can't get DD after work on Friday evenings as the CO states, it will have to be Saturday mornings, and return on Sunday evenings. This bugs me, but I don't argue. I just make mental note on how contradictory this is to his original statement about how getting DD EOWE was not a big deal.  

He is moving into his own place in a week and he gives me his whole schedule on when he's going to do it all and how he can't start getting DD and start his weekends until 3/9.  Fine. Whatever.

So today, I ask him if he can do me a favor and make sure with his work that for the weekend of 3/23, he try to exchange with me Friday after work.  I tell him simply that I am moving that wekeend and that would really help me out.  He says, "Sure! No problem."

We talk later tonite when I have picked up DD from daycare.  He tells me "Now I'll be happy to get her after work, but I don't get off until 4:30."  I say, "Well i don't get off work until 5PM.  So it will have to be after that, like 6 - 6:30."  He says something about meeting in "Town O" and I say, "It won't be "Town O".  It will be half way at "Town G".  "Town O" makes no sense because it will be out of the way for both of us since both of us are moving." He kind of lets out a sigh. 

He then tells me how he'll come get her that Friday, but if his work wants him to work late, he may not.

I am annoyed as hell by this.  So I tell him. "Fine.  If you can't get her that Friday evening, then you won't get her at all that weekend because I won't have time on Saturday to meet you. I'll be busy moving while dealing with a 3 year old."

He tells me I'm making way too big of a deal out of this. I tell him I'm asking him to do this so that I can move without DD underfoot, but if he can't - that's okay, somehow, I'll deal but I'm not re-arranging my schedule so he can get her on Saturday.  He goes into this big diatribe about how important his job is and how if his boss says he's gotta work, then work comes first...I hang up on him. I don't want to hear it.

I'm tired of the contradiction, the empty promises and big boasts about how such a good daddy he's gonna be when he gets on his feet, and then when it comes time...he's got a back door in case he needs it. I'm tired of how he gripes about not having DD, how much he misses her, and yet....he has yet to take her more than 36 hours at a time.  There is ALWAYS an excuse.

So whatever. I give up. I'm finally listening to you all. I don't care that HE gets to move without DD underfoot. I don't care that HE gets to wait to take DD when it's only convenient for him. I NO LONGER CARE. I am going to plan my weekends as if DD will be with me every weekend.  I am going to give him the hours and weekends that I will meet him to exchange, and that's it.  If he misses his weekend, then he has to wait another two. If he ever consistently holds up his end of the deal...oh never mind...like THAT'S a possibility.

Screw it. I'm tired of it. I know I can be the consistent one for DD, so I will continue to do so and quit worrying about what I can't control. I am done expecting anything half way reasonable from this man. It's just NOT going to happen.

Littlejen22

I truly am sorry you are going through this because I know how much you want it.  I hope eventually you get to the point that you can talk about DD and only DD, meaning the important information very quickly and none of the BS lies and complaints in between because there will always be BS with him.  He has had 30 years to be a "Good Daddy" and yet he is waiting for a few more weeks to be a "Good Daddy".  Right now you are still trying with him and I do not think he knows what to do about it, I really believe he is waiting for you to become difficult and then he can blame it all on you.  I hope soon you can just start asking him if he will have her on X day and ignore his excuses and tell him to try again two weeks after, I am glad you said you are done trying to work around him.  And unfortunately I think you will always have to find other help or deal on your own because he is not there for her, I really am sad for both of you.  But you are strong, you will both be ok.

+just+j+

I thought the same thing to Wendilea. 

Jen, I think you hit it on the head, that he's waiting for me to be difficult. It's always my fault. 

Funny how he always says "I win" in this deal because I have DD...and yet...he doesn't take his time to see her or parent her.

The next 15 years are going to be tough. But I'm going to do it and I am going to raise a emotionally well adjusted little girl without him if it kills me.

J&A2008

+just+j+:

I am going to plan my weekends as if DD will be with me every weekend. 

I know I can be the consistent one for DD, so I will continue to do so and quit worrying about what I can't control. I am done expecting anything half way reasonable from this man. It's just NOT going to happen.

Bravo, babe.  I'm so sorry that he's like this, and your DD deserves far better, but she's got it: YOU.

twister22

tifanico:

I'm really sorry. As you already know he is always trying to portray himself as the victim. 

Focus on DD and be the great mom you are.  

All of this. You're doing an awesome job, J. 

FutureMrsWittig

This is my SDs BM to a T.  And you're right, you can't make them act differently.  You've tried, I've tried, but until THEY are ready to try...  There's just nothing to do.

I'm sorry.

KTdidit

Littlejen22:

I really believe he is waiting for you to become difficult and then he can blame it all on you.

This is what my XH does, he is just like your H. I can work around him, his schedule, and his excuses til the cows come home. But as soon as I've had enough andtell him no, then I'm keeping DS from him and why can't I be just a little understanding of his situation? I'm still learning to deal with it, but I do plan all my weekends either assuming DS will be with me, or I find alternate plans for him ahead of time.