S/O discipline- scenarios

xxbabycakesxx

I didn't want this to be buried in my last thread so I'm sorry for starting another post but I thought of some situations and wanted to know how you would deal with it.

There are times when G wants to play with me and just shoving toys at me and whining.  These are times when I'm usually busy and can't play.  So, I should probably do a warning and then a timeout?  I just feel bad in this case because he's not really being bad, just wants to play.  Should I just redirect him with something else?

What if G is playing by himself and being rough with his toys?  Like banging cars together?  Or banging his mic on his stuffed animals?  He's not hurting anyone but he is being super rough.  How about when I play cars with him and he bangs his toys into the toys in my hand?

What about when I take him to the dentist, eye doctor or for a haircut?  I can't put him in timeout when he's freaking out there, right?

What about when I need to put his jacket on?  I can't spend half an hour repeating timeouts when I need to get out of the house, right?  I know after a while timeouts will get easier/faster but what about right now?

Again, thank you for all your help.  Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without all your advice. 

janneann1127

I think maybe you need to establish what your "rules" are. My mom's group instructor, who is a child's behaviorist, recommended that you create a list of rules and keep them on the fridge. Something short and sweet with very few words. He will get a timeout if he breaks a rule. They can fit whatever your issues are - like our rules are: Gentle Hands, Food is for Eating, Throw Balls Only, and Crayons on Paper. So you try to avoid "NO" in your rules, and turn them into a positive. Like, instead of "no hitting the cats", we say "gentle hands".

If he breaks a rule, we say, what's the rule? And if he continues to, he goes in timeout. Some of the examples you have up there aren't necessarily rule-breaking (freaking out at haircut, playing rough with toys) so I don't think I'd do a time-out. My suggestions are to pick your battles, and redirect when you can.

If he's freaking at the dentist or whatever, that's probably because he's scared and youll probably just need to comfort him rather than "punish" him. When he is whining, our teacher recommended that we say something like "it sounds better when you use your big boy voice. can you tell me that in your big boy voice?" It actually seems to work.

For the jacket thing, this might be wrong but I just say, bye Griffin, mommy's leaving. Are you coming? Sometimes it takes me walking out the door before he runs. :-)

xxbabycakesxx

janneann1127:

I think maybe you need to establish what your "rules" are. My mom's group instructor, who is a child's behaviorist, recommended that you create a list of rules and keep them on the fridge. Something short and sweet with very few words. He will get a timeout if he breaks a rule. They can fit whatever your issues are - like our rules are: Gentle Hands, Food is for Eating, Throw Balls Only, and Crayons on Paper. So you try to avoid "NO" in your rules, and turn them into a positive. Like, instead of "no hitting the cats", we say "gentle hands".

If he breaks a rule, we say, what's the rule? And if he continues to, he goes in timeout. Some of the examples you have up there aren't necessarily rule-breaking (freaking out at haircut, playing rough with toys) so I don't think I'd do a time-out. My suggestions are to pick your battles, and redirect when you can.

If he's freaking at the dentist or whatever, that's probably because he's scared and youll probably just need to comfort him rather than "punish" him. When he is whining, our teacher recommended that we say something like "it sounds better when you use your big boy voice. can you tell me that in your big boy voice?" It actually seems to work.

For the jacket thing, this might be wrong but I just say, bye Griffin, mommy's leaving. Are you coming? Sometimes it takes me walking out the door before he runs. :-)

Oh, you are so smart!  I definitely need to set up rules so G has something to follow.  This toddler stuff is so difficult.  I feel like I need a step by step plan for everything! 

MrsGoodkat

xxbabycakesxx:

I didn't want this to be buried in my last thread so I'm sorry for starting another post but I thought of some situations and wanted to know how you would deal with it.

There are times when G wants to play with me and just shoving toys at me and whining.  These are times when I'm usually busy and can't play.  So, I should probably do a warning and then a timeout?  I just feel bad in this case because he's not really being bad, just wants to play.  Should I just redirect him with something else?

When DS does this, I just re-direct to try to get him to help (or "help") me with whatever I'm doing or with something else to occupy him until I can play with him. I wouldn't punish because he's just trying to get your attention. 

What if G is playing by himself and being rough with his toys?  Like banging cars together?  Or banging his mic on his stuffed animals?  He's not hurting anyone but he is being super rough.  How about when I play cars with him and he bangs his toys into the toys in my hand?

I would emphasize being gentle. DS isn't usually too rough while playing but every now and then he will throw and that gets an automatic time-out because I don't tolerate throwing toys since it can hurt someone. If he's just being rough, I give him a warning that if he can't play nicely then I'm going to take the ____ away. If he continues to be rough then the cars or whatever go away. 

What about when I take him to the dentist, eye doctor or for a haircut?  I can't put him in timeout when he's freaking out there, right?

This is where my MOTY award comes in...when we go for a hair cut, I completely bribe my child with M&Ms. It's awful, I know, to essentially reward him for freaking out but the kid won't sit for a haircut otherwise and it's one of those things that just needs to be done. It's not necessarily something I recommend to others, lol, but it works for us. Fortunately everyone that's cut his hair is completely on board with bribing because they either have small kids of their own or lots of experience dealing with unhappy children so I don't feel too judged.  As for the doctor/dentist, I agree that it's because it's unfamiliar and scary, and I wouldn't punish for that, just comfort the best you can.

What about when I need to put his jacket on?  I can't spend half an hour repeating timeouts when I need to get out of the house, right?  I know after a while timeouts will get easier/faster but what about right now?

Again, thank you for all your help.  Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without all your advice. 

I do the same thing as PP...just pretend like I'm leaving and he usually comes and cooperates. He's still at the age where he doesn't want me going without him. I'm not quite sure what I'll do when he starts calling my bluff!

jillybean800

Can I add my own scenario?  I'm trying to get Alexander to walk with me in stores. It's not working. He still runs away or just wants to roam the store. But I also feel like I can't punish him, because he's still learning to stay with me and I haven't really pegged down a good method.  If I try to take his hand and lead him he does that passive resistance sh!t and makes his body completely limp!  Then cue the screaming!

xxbabycakesxx

jillybean800:

Can I add my own scenario?  I'm trying to get Alexander to walk with me in stores. It's not working. He still runs away or just wants to roam the store. But I also feel like I can't punish him, because he's still learning to stay with me and I haven't really pegged down a good method.  If I try to take his hand and lead him he does that passive resistance sh!t and makes his body completely limp!  Then cue the screaming!

I'm lucky in that G wants to hold my hand in stores. He's kind of a scardy cat in big crowds and he's constantly looking for my hand. Sometimes he wants me to carry him, which is another discipline area but I just don't want a freak out in the store so I usually carry him. Smh.

Is it bad if I suggest those animal backpack/leash for A?

xxbabycakesxx

Mrs goodkat- i didn't quote because it'd be too long but thank you for your help! I like to see what others do in the situations I'm in. It helps me to consider things I might've not thought of.

Its been over 7 months since G's last haircut. The last one was a total shtshow and I've just been terrified to try again. I also don't want him traumatized. I know its not the best thing but I might need to bribe G too. Someone actually mistook him for a girl a few weeks ago:/

tiffanyp

xxbabycakesxx:

There are times when G wants to play with me and just shoving toys at me and whining.  These are times when I'm usually busy and can't play.  So, I should probably do a warning and then a timeout?  I just feel bad in this case because he's not really being bad, just wants to play.  Should I just redirect him with something else?

I would not punish him for this. When A does this, it usually means that I've been ignoring her for a long time. I read some great advice recently. Give your kid a kitchen timer, and tell him/her that you need 5 minutes to finish what you're doing (or 10 or whatever). Set the timer for them and tell them that you will play with them when the timer buzzes. This teaches them delayed gratification and also ensures that you don't actually ignore them all day. I am totally guilty of ignoring her sometimes, but I find that if I actually take the time to play with her and give her the attention she needs instead of using the TV/iPad/whatever to distract her, then the day goes more smoothly and I get more accomplished because I'm not spending half the day fighting with her or trying unsuccessfully to redirect her.  

Blondangel

xxbabycakesxx:

There are times when G wants to play with me and just shoving toys at me and whining.  These are times when I'm usually busy and can't play. 

This happens every time I need to do dishes, cook or mop so I get your frustration. I don't do time-outs for this. If I can get him involved somehow to "help" that works. If I can't involve him because of safety or timing reasons then I tell him that Mommy will play as soon as -x- is done and to work on a puzzle/color/sort shapes etc. If he comes back to me more than 3 times, I quickly get to a stopping point in my chore and then help him start an activity like coloring. Once he's involved in the activity, I usually have enough time to finish what I need to do.

What if G is playing by himself and being rough with his toys? 

This gets a time out after one warning. I was pretty lax about this until he started abusing our "toys" and almost slammed the laptop onto the tile floor for fun. I just say, "Be gentle with toys, no throwing or you go to time out." If he does it again he goes straight to time out. Every. single. time. No exceptions.

What about when I take him to the dentist, eye doctor or for a haircut?  I can't put him in timeout when he's freaking out there, right?

No time out for this. In these situations I do more reassuring and redirection (stickers, new toy, book etc). So far so good. If he's acting up in the grocery store or restaurant then we do a time out in the car.

What about when I need to put his jacket on?

I pick my battles. If he refuses to wear a coat, then he gets cold. Simple as that. Sometimes experience is the best teacher. I bring the coat with me and when he gets cold he eagerly and willingly puts it on. However, I might do this differently if we lived somewhere that was like 20 below or something.

Whatever you decide to do in any given situation make sure you are consistent. Do the same thing, the same way, every time. Good Luck!

xxbabycakesxx

tiffanyp:

xxbabycakesxx:

There are times when G wants to play with me and just shoving toys at me and whining.  These are times when I'm usually busy and can't play.  So, I should probably do a warning and then a timeout?  I just feel bad in this case because he's not really being bad, just wants to play.  Should I just redirect him with something else?

I would not punish him for this. When A does this, it usually means that I've been ignoring her for a long time. I read some great advice recently. Give your kid a kitchen timer, and tell him/her that you need 5 minutes to finish what you're doing (or 10 or whatever). Set the timer for them and tell them that you will play with them when the timer buzzes. This teaches them delayed gratification and also ensures that you don't actually ignore them all day. I am totally guilty of ignoring her sometimes, but I find that if I actually take the time to play with her and give her the attention she needs instead of using the TV/iPad/whatever to distract her, then the day goes more smoothly and I get more accomplished because I'm not spending half the day fighting with her or trying unsuccessfully to redirect her.  

Thats awesome advice! I totally need an egg timer for this and fir time outs!

EMOmamma

I don't really have time to respond to all the scenarios (nor do I have answers lol) but for the jacket I found that once J learned to put it on himself we don't have a problem 99% of the time.  He uses the flip-trick and is so proud when he gets it right.  He also likes to zip his own zipper, but I do have to start it for him.

xxbabycakesxx

Blondangel:

xxbabycakesxx:

There are times when G wants to play with me and just shoving toys at me and whining.  These are times when I'm usually busy and can't play. 

This happens every time I need to do dishes, cook or mop so I get your frustration. I don't do time-outs for this. If I can get him involved somehow to "help" that works. If I can't involve him because of safety or timing reasons then I tell him that Mommy will play as soon as -x- is done and to work on a puzzle/color/sort shapes etc. If he comes back to me more than 3 times, I quickly get to a stopping point in my chore and then help him start an activity like coloring. Once he's involved in the activity, I usually have enough time to finish what I need to do.

What if G is playing by himself and being rough with his toys? 

This gets a time out after one warning. I was pretty lax about this until he started abusing our "toys" and almost slammed the laptop onto the tile floor for fun. I just say, "Be gentle with toys, no throwing or you go to time out." If he does it again he goes straight to time out. Every. single. time. No exceptions.

What about when I take him to the dentist, eye doctor or for a haircut?  I can't put him in timeout when he's freaking out there, right?

No time out for this. In these situations I do more reassuring and redirection (stickers, new toy, book etc). So far so good. If he's acting up in the grocery store or restaurant then we do a time out in the car.

What about when I need to put his jacket on?

I pick my battles. If he refuses to wear a coat, then he gets cold. Simple as that. Sometimes experience is the best teacher. I bring the coat with me and when he gets cold he eagerly and willingly puts it on. However, I might do this differently if we lived somewhere that was like 20 below or something.

Whatever you decide to do in any given situation make sure you are consistent. Do the same thing, the same way, every time. Good Luck!

I've thought about doing the no coat thing just so he understands that coats are for keeping you warm but it gets way too cold here. He has only worn mittens once this winter cause its become such an issue.

Thanks for helping me out!

janneann1127

Ohh I second the timer idea! We use the microwave timer whenever we need to switch activities and it works like a CHARM. I say, Ok you can play with the ipad until dinnertime. THen I set the timer for whenever dinner is, and when that timer goes off he is completely fine with handing over the ipad. It can actually work for just about anything.

Sonadora

1.) I don't give time outs for her wanting to play with me. I redirect her to something that will take time (set her up at the table with crayons, ask her to set up a tea party for us) and I keep talking to her from the kitchen (she usually does this when I'm trying to get her dinner on the table) and giving her updates. "I need to wash 2 more dishes B, then I'll come play tea party." Then I go do the promised activity with her after I've completed what I need to do.

2.) If she's being rough with her things I remind her to be gentle. I don't give time outs for being rough with toys, unless she's throwing them, which is an automatic time out, but I do ask her to be gentle and if she can't correct the behavior I tell her that the particular toy needs a time out so it doesn't get broken.  Then I put the toy away and redirect to a new activity.

3.) No help here, we haven't taken her to any of those places, though her first dentist appointment is next week, so I might be right back here wondering how to deal with that!

4.) Usually when we are going out of the house she doesn't have her jacket on since we are getting into the car and she can't wear her coat in her carseat.  If she puts up a fit about it when we get to our destination I try to engage her in being a "big girl" by helping me to zip it up or giving the zipper a try herself before I do it.

xxbabycakesxx

janneann1127:

Ohh I second the timer idea! We use the microwave timer whenever we need to switch activities and it works like a CHARM. I say, Ok you can play with the ipad until dinnertime. THen I set the timer for whenever dinner is, and when that timer goes off he is completely fine with handing over the ipad. It can actually work for just about anything.

I have to do this more often. G used to freak out when bath time was over so I startes doing a 5 min warning and then 2 min warning. When its time to get our hes perfectly fine.

xxbabycakesxx

EMO-mamma:

I don't really have time to respond to all the scenarios (nor do I have answers lol) but for the jacket I found that once J learned to put it on himself we don't have a problem 99% of the time.  He uses the flip-trick and is so proud when he gets it right.  He also likes to zip his own zipper, but I do have to start it for him.

G hasn't learned how to take off or pur on any of his clothes yet but I bet that would help with the jacket thing. He'd be so proud of himself!

xxbabycakesxx

Sonadora:

1.) I don't give time outs for her wanting to play with me. I redirect her to something that will take time (set her up at the table with crayons, ask her to set up a tea party for us) and I keep talking to her from the kitchen (she usually does this when I'm trying to get her dinner on the table) and giving her updates. "I need to wash 2 more dishes B, then I'll come play tea party." Then I go do the promised activity with her after I've completed what I need to do.

2.) If she's being rough with her things I remind her to be gentle. I don't give time outs for being rough with toys, unless she's throwing them, which is an automatic time out, but I do ask her to be gentle and if she can't correct the behavior I tell her that the particular toy needs a time out so it doesn't get broken.  Then I put the toy away and redirect to a new activity.

3.) No help here, we haven't taken her to any of those places, though her first dentist appointment is next week, so I might be right back here wondering how to deal with that!

4.) Usually when we are going out of the house she doesn't have her jacket on since we are getting into the car and she can't wear her coat in her carseat.  If she puts up a fit about it when we get to our destination I try to engage her in being a "big girl" by helping me to zip it up or giving the zipper a try herself before I do it.

Thanks for you're advice and please let me know how the dentist goes. We haven't taken G yet but I know he's going to go biserk!

EMOmamma

xxbabycakesxx:

EMO-mamma:

I don't really have time to respond to all the scenarios (nor do I have answers lol) but for the jacket I found that once J learned to put it on himself we don't have a problem 99% of the time.  He uses the flip-trick and is so proud when he gets it right.  He also likes to zip his own zipper, but I do have to start it for him.

G hasn't learned how to take off or pur on any of his clothes yet but I bet that would help with the jacket thing. He'd be so proud of himself!

It's super easy.  I can try to get a video if you want to see but basically you hold or set the jacket in front of them with the hood down/towards them and they put both arms in then flip it over their head. 

xxbabycakesxx

EMO-mamma:

xxbabycakesxx:

EMO-mamma:

I don't really have time to respond to all the scenarios (nor do I have answers lol) but for the jacket I found that once J learned to put it on himself we don't have a problem 99% of the time.  He uses the flip-trick and is so proud when he gets it right.  He also likes to zip his own zipper, but I do have to start it for him.

G hasn't learned how to take off or pur on any of his clothes yet but I bet that would help with the jacket thing. He'd be so proud of himself!

It's super easy.  I can try to get a video if you want to see but basically you hold or set the jacket in front of them with the hood down/towards them and they put both arms in then flip it over their head. 

That makes sense but do they have to shimmy?  Sometimes when I try to put on a non zippered hoodie over G's head he freaks out.  I don't know if its cause he can't find the right arm openings or if its too dark or what.  =/