Talking to toddlers about angel babies?

MSC03

Hi ya'll...

I don't hang around TB much anymore, but lately I've been pondering how to talk to my 2 1/2 year old about her older sister that we lost at 21 weeks and was hoping those who have already gone through something similar could help me out.

I'd like to avoid this coming as a surprise when she's older because I do not want it to appear like it's a family secret. Her sister was very much loved and I'd like for her to be a familiar name in our house, but I don't know how to introduce the topic on her level right now. I feel like the photos that we have of her sister would be too much for her. We're also not religious, but I guess I'm not opposed to trying to explain that Baby Jude's up in heaven/pointing at the sky so that she has some sort of visual association.

Also, we oftentimes list off our family members and say that we love them or that they love her... Do I just throw Jude on the list and see if she notices? I don't know. This is just so hard. It seemed easier in theory when she was a baby, but even the idea of speaking Jude's name out loud to her right now breaks my heart. I'm sad that this is probably going to make her sad someday when she fully realizes that she had a sibling that didn't make it.

Sorry this turned out to be so long, just trying to sort sh*t out.

MSC03

phancykat:

A book called My Baby Big Sister was recommended to me. B's not old enough yet to understand. I talk about Abbie and tell him he has a special angel watching over him, I'll get into more detail as he gets older.

Thank you--I will certainly check that out!

Sonadora

I have no advice since my loss was a m/c, but I wanted to say hi!

Also, that said, I just always grew up knowing that my mom had a m/c between my brother and me. I think she just made it part of the conversation when I would ask about why my brother was so much younger and such.

My best friend from high school's mom lost a late term baby and she also always just knew about him. His name was embroidered on a cross stich that had all the children's names on it and she said they always just knew about him watching over them.

mork

My mom was pregnant eight times, but there are only three of us living. We always knew about the other babies, and I can't pinpoint a specific conversation when she first told us. I can tell you that I was never sad about it until I had my first loss. It was then that I began to understand.

I don't think a toddler would be sad. It would just be part of life. A child with no previous exposure to death and loss has no reason to know to feel sad about it unless you teach them to be sad about it. If that's not what you want, perhaps you can always talk about Jude in a positive light, such as an angel etc.

sonshine0609

I've been open about my angel Leon with Carlin since the beginning. It was something I needed as part of my grief process & I figured it would be easier then explaining later (especially due to the way he passed but that another story). There are little things we do to remember Leon throughout the year. He wore little brother shirts as a baby & I would tell him big brother was watching out for him from time to time. For his last yearly picture we also had him take a picture with big brother's baby picture (family thought it was creepy until they saw it & now they all want a copy). We visited Leon ashes & my son knew we were going to see big brother. At two years old he knocked on the name plate & said "Hi! Want to play?" He ran around in the area for awhile, chasing a butterfly & when we left he kissed the name plate. The whole experience broke my heart & had it soaring all at once. We also do a birthday cake & let off balloons every year & Carlin "helps" big brother blow out the candles. We also attend an annual mass at a local church for families that have lost children & Carlin carries two roses for Leon & my m/c baby. I'm not sure he gets it yet but for me being a spiritual person, my son is always with me & I try to teach that to my youngest. My hope is that he won't look at it as missing out on having a brother but just knowing him in a different way.