Family issues - give me your opinion please — The Bump
February 2012 Moms

Family issues - give me your opinion please

The issues is with H's mom and sisters.  They try to guilt H into everything and tried with me but failed miserably.  They don't like me because I am not Catholic. They have always been passive aggressive to us both, but have overstepped many times and it has been an issue basically since we got engaged and they realized guilting me into a Catholic wedding was not going to happen.  Before that they seriously loved me - they were great.  

Basically they think I am the reason we aren't close to them, but that is not the case.  I tried to explain to H that he needs to put his feelings and issues on the table so we can work through them with his family and fix this.  I refuse to pretend at holidays everything is perfectly fine.  H deserves better - he deserves a real family.  He doesn't understand why I won't do the pretend thing anymore.  

What is worse is his mom and sisters know there are issues but they don't want to deal with them.  

Am I wrong to push him to fix this?  Should I just go along on the holiday gatherings and pretend we are enjoying them?  Why am I the bad guy for trying to make this a real family?  

If this were my kids I would be sitting in their driveway waiting for them to come home and say okay, I'm not leaving until we fix this because this is killing my soul.  But not his mom.  And what is worse he says he hates her because she was a really really bad mom when he was growing up and he has a lot of issues with that and he won't go to a counselor because she took him to a bunch when he was a kid and she worked in the field and they told her what he said - so he has ZERO trust in them which I understand.   

I think H could have a lot of great closure and get some peace if he did the same.  He is scared to do it because he thinks they won't care and he is possibly correct.  But I think it is worth trying.  If they really want to be a family I think they should work on the issues and be real - not a hallmark holiday fake family.  I would rather be with people we enjoy and who WANT to participate, not those we see out of obligation.  Thoughts?

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Re: Family issues - give me your opinion please

  • I think your H should at least try to talk to them and explain everything. If they don't want to listen or care then that's their loss but at least you and your H know something was done on your end to try and fix things. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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  • This is really hard. My H has a very poor relationship with his father. (He has met Gabriel twice... once when born and once at his baptism at 3 months old.) Their relationship is non-existent. However, I really pushed him especially when were pregnant to make amends with his father and try to make an effort to have a relationship. (He wanted this at the time.) His father always talks about how we don't call and there is a lot of drama. Well he finally did that had this huge heart to heart and we still have a crap relationship and don't speak anymore. However, it was great. H has his closure he feels like he made an effort and although it is painful his dad cannot be bothered. So he doesn't worry about it anymore. It doesn't bother him the way it used to because he feels he has done his part.

    I think if your H speaks up and tries to make an effort at least once, he has done his part. Maybe his family will be amazing. Maybe they won't. But regardless, he has done something about the situation and can move forward.

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  • Crazy. I think you should push the therapy but not talking to his family. I think he needs to work on him first. Like why he let's his family treat him that way. Why he's ok with them treating your so poorly. Why he wants to "play" like your one big happy family, etc. I wouldn't push the family thing but I certainly wouldn't spend alot of time with them. During the holidays you go you be a gracious guest and that's it Don't try to be their friends just be as kind as you would be to a perfect stranger.
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  • Therapy is not an option for him - no way no how.  

    Because everything we do with them involves us getting a hotel, H decided we won't do it.  We won't spend our holidays in a hotel when she could easily come to where we are their mom are and have plenty of room to stay with their mom.  

    We were invited to come up for Easter - for lunch and an egg hunt.  I told H if he wanted to go we could but if not then that's fine too it's his choice.  He said no because his sister is still being a B and he doesn't feel like dealing with their crap.  

    He has done an amazing job of keeping them off my back - he doesn't let them disrespect me in the way it might have come across.  They judge me regardless of what I'm doing and that's what is upsetting to him.  He can't protect me from that - they judge whether we see them or not.  If we go they judge, if we don't go, they blame me.  It's a lose lose situation.  

    I think he is okay with "playing" because he knows that is about all they will offer and he said it's been like that as long as he can remember - even when they were kids.  They are always late and everything is unorganized and jumbled and it drives him nuts.  I'm literally the opposite of his mom and siblings - I am organized, I plan, etc. and when he is around them it is just chaos and it is almost like he gets anxious around it - it puts him in a bad mood.  So since we didn't see them for Christmas, he said it was the best Christmas ever - yet he can't quite cut ties and I understand it.  

     

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