Mother pressuring to have a baby

JNCPro3130

Good morning everyone!

 I wanted to get your opinion on this subject.  My mom, who has been wanting me to have a baby since my honeymoon, mentioned AGAIN this past weekend that my DH and I should just go ahead and have a baby.  She is of the mindset that there really isn't "the perfect time" to have a baby.  While I do understand what she's saying, I do feel like it is irresponsible to have a baby when you aren't financially stable.  My DH and I are still in an apartment and would like to be in a house before having a baby, so we are working toward that (hopefully this summer).  I don't want to TTC while looking for a house because it is stressful enough already looking and I don't want to add the stress of TTC to that.

I know my mom's heart is in the right place and that she wants to be a grandmother.  She said that the money just works itself out.  She reminded me that I am turning 29 this year and so my energy level is going to continue to be on the decline.  

So here's my question.  Is my mom right?  Do finances just "work themselves out" or did you save before having your LO?  Also, yes I am turning 29, so it will be 30 before we TTC, but I don't think that is a major problem, right?  I know about the higher risk for people having children after 35, but there isn't anything like that for 30, right?

Thanks! 

cowgirltu

Tell her to back off and you guys will ttc when you are ready, not on her schedule. I just had my first at 31 if that helps at all.

Mysterious_wife

Tell your mom to mind her own business and stay out of your sex life. If you don't stop her now, you'll be in a hell later. She is overstepping.

TTC when you and your H are ready. Don't set your marriage up for resentment and/or regret. Take your H into consideration. You are married to him, not your mother.

Mysterious_wife

When you do decide to start, don't tell her. She sounds like the high expectation type. She will ask daily if you're KU. It can take a healthy couple up to a year to get pg.

FemShep

This issue is none of your mom's business, and you need to tell her, nicely, that it's not her concern and you'll update her when there's something she should know.

I had DD1 at 32, and was one of the youngest first-time moms in my practice!  I had DD2 at 39, and she is happy, healthy, and absolutely wonderful.  While it's true that your risk of complications does increase somewhat after 35, everyone has risks, and age alone doesn't determine a healthy pregnancy.

I can also say definitively that finances do NOT "work themselves out".  I agree that if you plan to buy a house, you should wait until after you've made your purchase.  Depending on how tight your budget is, you may want to wait until you've owned the house for at least 6 months; home ownership has a way of generating unexpected bills.  You should also try putting all of the money you would be spending on a child away in savings; it's a good way to test a new budget and build savings at the same time.  Other things to think about before you TTC: insurance (both life and STD/LTD for you and your partner, especially if you aren't covered through your employer) and wills.  Those items are a great example of little expenses that add up.

Good luck!  Don't make this decision on anyone else's timeline, you have plenty of time. 

ricecakes1216

I agree with MW. Tell her that your sex life is none of her business. A baby is a big deal. If you and your husband aren't ready than you should not be having a baby. Money doesn't work itself out. Personally, I would like to be able to take a few months off of work after I have a baby. That means I need to have a good savings to afford that. 

Also, don't tell her when you try. That's too much pressure. 

memali26

Completely agree with the other ladies. Especially about not being pushed into TTC if you aren't financially ready. We were financially ready when we got pregnant with DD1, then found out a few months later that DH would be losing his job a few months after she was born. We were fortunate enough that he received a new job offer shortly after DD1 was born, but it required a cross country move that did strain our finances for a bit. It was scary as hell knowing we had a baby coming and were about to lose 90% of our income, I can't even begin to wrap my head around purposely TTC when finances aren't stable. 

Twinkie0612

Mysterious_wife:

Tell your mom to mind her own business and stay out of your sex life. If you don't stop her now, you'll be in a hell later. She is overstepping. TTC when you and your H are ready. Don't set your marriage up for resentment and/or regret. Take your H into consideration. You are married to him, not your mother.

This and finances don't just "work themselves out."  If the money is not there, it won't just magically appear. 

I hate the phrase "there is not perfect time to have a baby."  While it might be true to some extent, I think most people use it to justify making an irresponsible choice.  There definitely is a right and a wrong time to have a baby and if you aren't financially ready, then it is the wrong time. 

Also don't worry about your age.  I am 30 and will be at least 31 before I have my first baby.

RedInLove

I agree with everyone else. Tell her it's not her business over and over. End the conversation, change the subject, whatever. Just keep repeating that the topic is not up for discussion.

My mother has been like that, I've been met with nothing but nasty disapproval over our plans. DH and I have been married 7 years, and the baby topic came up within the first year of marriage. Comments ranging from her replying to my saying we're waiting a few years with "not if I can help it" and "we'll see about that" to which I asked her where she saw herself having any part in us having sex; to her blurting out "now you'll never have kids" when I changed careers to the same as DH so we could travel together instead of me being home alone all the time, to which I asked her how she would expect me to get knocked up if I never see DH.

Because of her disgusting attitude towards it, I no longer discuss the topic with her. My sisters know that anything TTC-related I mention to them does not get repeated to her or I will stop talking to them about it as well. When the time comes to announce a pregnancy, my mother will find out when all of our immediate family finds out.

One of my sisters did try to explain to her last summer why I don't discuss TTC with her. My mom overheard a very casual convo I was having with my SIL regarding having kids at a cookout we hosted. My mother was easily 30 feet or more away, but I saw her perk up in her chair and try to listen to us when the convo took place. Mom complained later to my sister that I don't talk about it with her, etc. My sister told her why, laid it out for her. Basically she told her that DH and I have our own plans that are best for us and is not anyone else's business, especially those that have been so unsupportive of our choices. Even after I've tried to tell her very bluntly over the years that it's between DH and I, she still doesn't get it that she has absolutely no say or input whatsoever in any way regarding us having kids, and we really don't care what she thinks of it, and her being rudely critical of us gets her NOWHERE with me, a rule which applies  to any subject matter. She wasn't getting it so the end result is that she's shut out of the conversation completely.

I don't set out to be rude to my mother, I try to be respectful towards my parents and family at all times. I'm often the peacemaker when little spats come up between some of them. I try to do the right thing and make the right choices when it comes to family. However, I draw the line at being told what to do in my own home and in my own life. I don't entertain that at all, not from my sisters and parents or from DH's parents or anyone else. It is not negotiable.

victoria+james

There is no problem with waiting to have your first in your 30s. Early menopause runs in my family so I know that I likely won't have the option by then, but if you don't have a family history of it I wouldn't be worried.

Your mom really should back off, when we were buying our house it was so stressful and I can't imaging if we had tried to add TTC at that time.

Money really doesn't just work itself out. I've had friends that thought this and although they are still getting by, they aren't living where they would like to be, they don't have extra income for trips or savings. Yes they are making it work, but this is not what they were expecting when they thought the money would just fall into their laps.

I agree with PP. I may not even tell her when you start TTC if you feel she will bombard you with questions of "why aren't you pregnant yet".

PunkyBooster

Sil was like this so I said well I keep swallowing and swallowing but nothing is happening.

Twinkie0612

PunkyBooster:

Sil was like this so I said well I keep swallowing and swallowing but nothing is happening.

I am adding this to my list of "When are you going to have kids?" responses.  Unfortunately I will probably never actually use any of them. 

Courtimilk

PunkyBooster:

Sil was like this so I said well I keep swallowing and swallowing but nothing is happening.

Love this!

OP, unless you need your mother to be in the bedroom while you DTD I'd suggest a couple things. 1) DO NOT TTC because she wants to become a Grandmother, having a baby is a talk for you and DH only. 2) When you are ready to TTC, keep it on the down-low, no likes being told that they are doing it wrong when they don't get pregnant the first month.

PrideandJoy29

Tell her to stop. It's not her business.

Passion&Energy

Never let anyone including your mom push you into having a child. Deciding when you want a child is a decision that should be discussed between two people and thats you and your husband. If you had asked your mom for her opion then okay, but you obviously didnt. Your mom has to understand your a grown women with goals and dreams and you know what order you would like to accomplish them in. Focus on getting your home and building your career and have kids when you and your husband feel the time amd money is right. Money doesnt just pop up it comes from working towards getting it and only you know when you will have the amount you wish before having a child. Maybe your mom was trying to say you will find a way to afford a child which in some cases is true, my sister had very little money when she had her first child but made it work with what she had. But if you dont want to have to try to "make it work" then stay focused. I think deep down inside you know the answer to your own question, trust your self.

Feeeeebeeeee

I am 33 and first time pregnant. I am now totally ready to put myself to one side and be a good Mum because i have had 15 years of adventures and an exciting career. I am so glad I waited.