what would you do?
MommaMeg21
member
Since my daughter was born her BF has had LITTLE to do with her. We were both in college and he watched her for two hrs each week while I had night class. That was my senior year, once I graduated in May 2010 and moved back home he has not seen and/or asked about her. He was suppose to graduate in May 2010 as well but stayed in college for another 2 1/2 which kept his child support at a whopping $50 a month, which is rarely paid.
I started dating my husband when my daughter was just over a year old, we have been married for 6 months now. My husband is the only father my daughter knows. My husband has wanted to adopt my daughter for a long time. I just do not know how to go about it.
The first would be get a lawyer, and have no contact with her BF and hope he signs his rights away
2nd I could call him out of the blue and ask myself and kept lawyers out of it
3rd would be I could call his mom because she does have some connect with my daughter but my daughter just thinks of her as someone who comes once a year and brings her gifts and takes her swimming
My worse fear is if we open this can of worms that some how her BF gets visitation rights out of this...I want this for my daughter because it is the best thing for her and I also want my daughter to have the same last name as my husband and I (she has my maiden name), her future siblings. II guess I am trying to find best way to about this...
Re: what would you do?
Many states are not allowing parents to sign their rites away. I live in one that will not allow a parent to do this.
Find that out first.
Second, get a lawyer - as you stated. Many lawyers have a free first visit policy that allow you to consult them and if you come prepared with the right questions, they will be able to give you clear answers as to what direction you should go in - or you at least should come out of it with a much better idea.
Remember too - paper and legal work do not make the parent. It's wonderful your husband stepped up and is her father. You and your daughter are lucky to have him and I'm glad you chose well. At some point, yes, make it legal but first find out how long a parent has to "abandon" a child before it's possible to legally adopt.
I also think you need to be very honest and up front with everyone. So at some point, yes, call his mother and talk to her, but not until you've spoken with a lawyer.
After everything I've been through with men I would never allow someone to adopt my child. If in 5 years you all get divorced for some reason you will REGRET your decesion. I would hope you never get divorced but no one ever plans on it.
However if you do want to do it I have heard that some states allow adoption if the father has not maintained any contact for x amount of time. So if he has gone for a long period of time with no phone calls or visits you could probably go through with it.
I think the right thing to do would be to notify the dad of your intentions first. And see what he has to say. The worst that could happen is your child would get to spend a few days a month with her dad and you would get child support. And really that isn't a bad deal. Your daughter will be glad to have a dad who cared enough to keep a relationship with her.
I think you need to weigh your decision carefully. A good friend of mine is not the father of his 10 year old daughter, but he was there from day one. He IS her father. She does not know her biological dad. My friend never adopted her for various reasons.
He is now divorcing her mother because she struck their daughter in a drug induced rage. She is a prescription drug addict. He has temporary custody but is now fighting to keep custody. He has a very tough battle ahead of him.
He deserves to have her and loves her more than I've seen any man love a daughter.So not adopting is going to ultimately hurt this little girl.
Another story, my cousin adopted his wife's daughter when she was five. Her mother died of a sudden heart attack. My cousin had all legal rites but if he had not, he would have had to give up his rites to his in-laws - people who would have been an horrible influence on her and give her nothing buy instability. My cousin gave her a wonderful life and she is a wonderful young lady now.
Just some things to consider. I wish you luck. Bottom line tho...my gut tells me that you should be completely up front and honest with your child's bio dad. Even if it's difficult. It's best in the long run.
I cannot believe it but I agree with Dmnds. Can you say with certainty that if you came home tomorrow to find DH in bed with some other woman that you would still want him to be in your and DDs life and that he would still e a Dad? Many men will disappear after a divorce and most of the cases on here where the stepDad is still involved after a stepparent and divorce the new wife always comments that the child is not his child anyway, as if the adoption was not his conscience decision to become a Dad.
I am not saying don't do it but there is a lot to consider. And if you do the adoption I would agree to keep her biological Grandmother involved, she will still be family and your DD will respect you for it.
I agree with pp that I would not worry a whole lot about the name issue. If that is your primary concern, why not wait until your daughter is a teenager and can voice her opinion?
Even setting aside the name issue, I would wait. The last thing a new marriage needs is stress. Maybe spend the next 6-18 months documenting everything and getting all your ducks in a row. Talk with a lawyer. Get a good understanding of the laws in your state. After you've been married a couple of years, reevaluate where you're at; think about the pros and cons of YH adopting your daughter.
Maybe even consider getting in touch with BF and asking his intentions. If he's on the birth certificate, I'm pretty sure he has some legal rights to visitation.
I agree with all this. Really think this through. All of us on this board know very well how common divorce is. You just never know.
As for her last name, is BD on the birth certificate? If not, you can legally change her name without his consent. My mom looked into doing this for me. I never met my biodad and my step dadhas been my dad since I was a yearold. He never adopted me, which I was okay with, but I really wish they would have legally changed my name. I changed it myself when I was older to have the same name as my family.
I agree with all this. Really think this through. All of us on this board know very well how common divorce is. You just never know.
As for her last name, is BD on the birth certificate? If not, you can legally change her name without his consent. My mom looked into doing this for me. I never met my biodad and my step dadhas been my dad since I was a yearold. He never adopted me, which I was okay with, but I really wish they would have legally changed my name. I changed it myself when I was older to have the same name as my family.
Thanks for the input!
Changing her name is not the main reason to go through with the adoption. The main reason is if something were to happen to me, I do not want her biological father to get her. I want her to feel that she has a father that wants to be in her life which would be my husband. I know a piece of paper does not prove it but I think it would mean a lot to a child if someone would go through that for someone.
He has had NOTHINGto do with her in almost three years and I feel he does not deserve anything anymore. I tried when she was a baby, to make sure he had the chance to be in her life. (since she was been she has never even recieved a bday card from him) So if for some reason he all of a sudden wants to have visitation rights he will have to go to court for them. And I could care less about child support I I maybe get paid three-five times a year.
My husband is actually the one that brought it up before we got married and now that we are expecting our first child together he really wants to go through with it. I think that we will go and talk to a lawyer and get a legal advise and find out all of our options.
For what it's worth, my DH adopted SD. And when he and BM divorced, HE got custody of SD (BM did not fight for her).
But my DH is, outside of his relationship with SS, a stand up man and father. You have to weigh the pro's and cons. And you have to ask yourself, will this man be a stand up father if you divorce.