Regretting D&E - Wishing I had held my babies...

SandSunBliss

We were pregnant with MoMo twins (Monoamniotic-Monochorionic).  This is rare and very high risk - we knew that.  But that didn't help us as we lost one baby at 15 weeks and the second at 16 weeks.  I didn't experience any symptoms other than severe nausea the week before losing the second baby (but the doctor said this was unrelated). 

After we lost the babies, we chose to have a D&E because my husband was very concerned that it would be too much for me to handle to deliver and it wouldn't change the outcome obviously...  We also thought it might be very haunting and traumatic to meet our babies in that way...  We wanted our first labor and delivery to be happy and we thought this would change that experience should we be so lucky to have a baby in the future.

After the D&E, a week and a half ago now, we didn't find out the sex - thought that would make it harder to say goodbye. 

 Now I am regretting my decision so much.  I feel like such a coward - they deserved to be held and I deserved to meet my babies.  That was my only chance - I wish I had made a different decision.  I'm having a hard time knowing I can't have that moment back.

Now that I'm not pregnant anymore, I can have all the caffeine I want and sushi and everything else - and I don't want it.  I just wish I was still pregnant.  This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced, even harder than losing my Mom.  I can't imagine everything ever returning to normal again...ever.  I just feel so broken.

gscoville

I'm so very sorry for your loss.  My situation is so different than yours and I can't imagine how hard it was to make the decision you did, but I strongly believe that you made the best decision you could under the circumstances and I hope that you will find peace with it someday.  Time does help, it won't erase the pain but it will eventually wear down the rough edges.  Please take care of yourself, and I hope you find the support you need here and elsewhere (counselling or otherwise) if needed.  ((hugs))

dragonfly711

I so understand what you are going through. I have a DnC on Friday was 111/2 weeks. No heartbeat.
I feel empty I also can have caffeine ect but don't want to eat but eat just because.
We did however have the tissue tested. I am hoping to have a little more closure with maybe knowing what happen but the testing might come back normal.
Just know we are experiencing the same thing in different ways but I am here for you. Your not going through this alone.

SA1112

I'm so sorry for your losses. Please try not to be too hard on yourself- you and your DH made the best decision that you could for yourself at that time. There was no way of knowing how you would later feel. I'm sure that it doesn't help much to hear those things but I would say to just try to make peace with the decision that you made- It's hard to live with regret. I'm so sorry you're also dealing with these feelings too in addition to your grief. ((hugs))

bunnybun4

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet babies.

Your loss seems like it was very recent and still very fresh.  Please be gentle with yourself...a lot of the feelings you are having are so natural for anyone to have that is going thru the hell you are in the middle of.

We also did not get to hold our little girl, and though there are times i regret it, I am also thankful that the picture I have of her in my mind is the cute, kicking, precious baby on my US.  I also do not think I could have emotionally handled delivering her...it would have been a really hard thing to do.  None of those things mean that you didn't love your babies with all of your heart...and you have to know that your babies know that.

I know right now you are feeling lost and very hopeless...like the world has just stopped.  I remember thinkign I could never leave my house again...but slowly you get the strength to start doing things again...I am 3 months out and though the bad days still come, and I still think about my baby girl for the majority of everyday, life has gotten hopeful again and life has slowly returned to a new normal.

Give yourself time and let yourself grieve...you just went through something very devastating.  I made my daughter a babybook with all of her US pictures and cards we got after our loss.  I look at it when I am missing her...I have also found that seeing a counselor has been very helpful.

((HUGS))

ceh789

marylaurena:

I am also thankful that the picture I have of her in my mind is the cute, kicking, precious baby on my US.  I also do not think I could have emotionally handled delivering her...it would have been a really hard thing to do.  None of those things mean that you didn't love your babies with all of your heart...and you have to know that your babies know that.

 

See - I think this is the best way to think about it.  Remember them as perfect, like they were before they passed.  You held them inside you for move than 3 months - remember that part, not the few hours you missed by doing the D&E.

 I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Linz-E

I am so sorry for the loss of your twins. I cant compare my experience but I do know that as hard as these decisions are that we have to make- at that time you did it for a reason and you did it because thats what you felt was best. You are not a coward, you are a woman and a mother who is hurting. Dont be so hard on yourself. Maybe find another way that is special to you to memorialize them. I think youre right when you say you'll never return to normal... I dont think I ever did after my first loss... but I found a new normal.  It is so soon and you are still grieving... give yourself the time and whatever it is you need to get through this. ((hugs)). 

SarahMeyer0823

I'm so sorry honey. It sounds like we had our dne's around the same time. Info in siggy I miss my baby so much it hurts. There hasn't been a day since we found out that I haven't cried.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Cry when you feel it. Be angry when you are feeling angry.

Like others have said, you made the best decision you could at the time. I don't think I could have delivered my baby and held it... Remembering your baby from the u/s is a good memory. That's what I think back to

I have started counseling and am going to a support group next week. These might be things to consider to process everything. Cuz I know personally, I'm not coping well.

Hugs to you.

PinkCamino

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss ((HUGS))