One stressed out nanny TTC

desertheart

My husband and I (both 31) have been TTC casually for about the last two years or so but got serious about it in the last year.  I haven't been on the pill for years, and we were using the calendar method for BC.  I actually always thought I'd accidentally get pregnant.  I mean everyone in my family is Fertile Mertle.  I have a cousin, who herself is a twin, who had triplets without fertility treatments for crying out loud.   

It seems that everyone I know is pregnant or has an infant.  In our apartment building alone there are 2 pregnant women and 3 newborns.  And to top it all off I'm a nanny for three (really great) kids.  But I'm starting to resent them.  The other day I was in pick-up line and I almost started crying because I thought it should be me picking up my own kids.  I want to be at home, with my own children, not taking care of someone else's children.

The kids ask me almost every week when am I going to have a baby.  The 13-year-old (who has social skill issues) asked, "Have you actually tried?"  I told him to mind his own business.    

And the job thing is part of the stress that I think is keeping us from conceiving. We moved across the country for my husband's work about 18 months ago though I didn't want to.  Moved two more times (in three months) after that because of landlord issues.  I've had serious trouble finding a job, even though I have Master's degree, which is why I am a nanny.  And then right around the time we started TTC, a family friend committed suicide.  I'm also very homesick most of the time.         

I feel the stress in my life is mostly out of my hands.  I try hard to make it all better-- counseling, acupuncture, horse back riding, classes, writer's group, girl's nights.  But in the long run it feels like nothing has changed. 

And it all feels like one vicious circle.  I'm stressed, which makes getting pregnant difficult, which stresses me out even more.  My job, though I love the kids especially the little girl, is part of that cycle.  I mean, I'm 31 doing the same job I had when I was 20.      

 And, yes, I've talked to my husband about all of this, and he's sympathetic but I don't think he gets it.  He has the dream job, which he loves.  Loves living here.  And yes, I know I should be thankful that I have a loving husband and even a job (any job).

Sorry this is so long, but it felt so good to write this.

 

 

scbedi

I am so sorry you are going through this!! I feel your pain through the computer screen! ((HUGS!!)). I wish I had advice but I know when I am feeling down the last thing I need is someone telling me what to do to make me feel better, especially when I know EXACTLY what will make me feel better....a baby of my own. So sorry!

desertheart

Thank you SO much!!  That's all I wanted to hear.  The one sort of close friend here tells me to be positive and not compare myself to other people.  But she doesn't get it.  She and her husband don't want to have children.  In fact, she's getting an IUD soon. 

Not that a baby makes everything better, but I feel in my family right now there has been so much loss that we need an addition to bring some joy.  I think that's how families get through it.

Oh man, I'm a mess and now I've got to go pick up kids in 45 minutes.  

runforcookies

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I could not imagine being a nanny while struggling with IF. I also find it to be really frustrating to talk to people (family and friends mostly) about what we are going through because everyone knows someone who "just did this" and became pregnant. It starts to make you feel as if everyone thinks you are doing something wrong. Unfortunately, the other side to this is not having that outlet to talk about it and get those IRL hugs. 

Don't lose hope. GL! 

mfarmer0811

I'm soo sorry your are feeling like this! I know how you feel!! I teach high school, and JUST Friday, and TODAY I found out 4 of our students are pregnant!! I just don't understand!
With that being said, have you seen an RE?

desertheart

Thanks you don't know how nice it is to come to read comments from people who get it. 

We haven't been to an RE, yet because we didn't go to a preconception appointment until early last fall.  So, our insurance won't pay for it until one year after that date.  

And, I just found out that we're going to lose our insurance in a year, so we have to go to the other plan.  My husband's paid for, but my premium is going to be raised.  

The other week I was asked "Do you EVEN want children?" by a 19 year-old who is pregnant with her second after she found out I was 31.  

 

jfb29

HUGS!  Sorry you are being bombarded - IF messes with your emotions big time!  Take care of yourself!!!

kflynn81

As a former nanny/current part time babysitter I totally get it. I only babysit nights after dinner so I only have to spend a short amount of time there, otherwise its too much for me to handle. I get really upset about that sort of thing too....matter of fact today I started crying while stopped on the street by a crossing guard. I started thinking that crossing guard may never stop traffic for my kid someday....weird, I know.

desertheart

I think those exact same things!!

 I think part of the problem is I'm starting to get bored being with the same kids.  Nothing against the family but this always happens.  I didn't have these feelings when I worked at a summer camp/after school care.  But those programs don't pay well here.  I'm making 3 times more being a nanny.

TinaBean007

I have a very similar story to yours. TTC for almost 2 years, my husband is a full-time student and consumed with that world and we moved 1600 miles from home and I'm 32. I love my new city but I really started to feel alone and stagnant in my life. I really wanted to start our family. Like you, I felt no control over my life and that is the worst feeling. I started making plans to be a foster parent in the hopes of adopting. I knew that I wanted to get the fertility test firsts just to be sure.

I would highly recommend going to the preliminary fertility appointments even if you have to pay for them out of pocked. You'll want to find out if you need to in case you need to take additional steps to get pregnant down the road. (You'll need to plan for it emotionally and financially) I have a high deductible insurance plan, which means I pay the first $5k of medical expenses so I completely understand. You can negotiate the cost for services prior to the appoint. (I just learned this and so far its worked our great.)  When you make the appointment, tell them that you don't have coverage for the services and you'd like to know the cost up front and the negotiate. (When they gave me a price, I just responded with "Whoa, I didn't know it was that much, is there any way to reduce that cost?" Sometimes they could, sometimes they couldn't/) I had blood work, my husband was checked and a dye test (hysterosalpingogram) for about $600. It sounds like a lot but the costs were spread over 3 months AND it really saved my sanity. Also they say the dye test can open the fallopian tubes for the following cycles which can help you get pregnant. I also decided to get the results of each test before moving on to the next and saved the dye test for last. (I figured, if there was a hormone problem with me or my husband, there was no point paying for an expensive test.) With all that said, 3 months after the dye test, I got pregnant- about 20 months after being off the pill with no other intervention.

I'm not sure of your faith, but for me I kept praying for guidance and strength.  I knew God had a plan (he always does) and there was a reason I wasn't privy to it. I always keep in mind when my prayers are not answered in the way I want them to be it's because God is saying "I have something better in mind for you".

Sorry to be wordy.... Like other posters, I could feel your pain through my computer. I hope you find comfort soon. Good luck.