Blended Families

Weekend update- 2 separate issues

Now that DH is working again, he asked BM about switching drop off and pick up times to 7-ish instead of 6 pm because on Fridays he works until 5:30, comes by picks me up, then we pick DS up from daycare and then have to drive past our house to go get the kids which can not be accomplished in 30 mins when we both work downtown. He had also told her that on Sundays our church started a youth group meeting for middle school - high school kids that goes from 6pm-7pm. So it wouldn't be right at 7 when he dropped them off. Flash foward to last night, I am at home with the boys and he went to pick up the girls from the youth group. He walks in the door at 7:10 to get the boys and says BM has been texting him like crazy about why they weren't back at 7pm because the boys go to bed at 8pm.

He texted her back while the boys were loading up saying he was on the way. He took DD with him to take them home. She continued to text him while he was driving so he finally called her. Basically, he told her that since the meeting isn't over until 7 and our church is in the next town over (the opposite way from BM's house) that it's going to be 7:15-7:30 before they get home. They still have time before bed. Her main complaint was that she thought they weren't going to be home in time for the 8pm bedtime for the boys (SD has 9:30 bedtime). He told her that SD and DD are enjoying to the group because they are getting to hang out with friends their age and she could either come pick the boys earlier and then drive up to the church to pick SD up at 7:00 or she could accept that they were going to be home between 7:15-7:30 if we had to drive them but if she was going to cause a huge ordeal over it, that it only hurts SD since she wants to go. She finally agreed to accept that the boys were going to be home in plenty of time before bedtime (which she said was her main concern). Point being, she could have just called to discuss it with DH and cleared it up before flipping out in text since they had already discussed that they wouldn't be there at 7.

So on the way home, DH and DD stopped for a little dessert and DD told DH that since the divorce talk went on and then her BD and SM got back together that SM in particular has not been making DD feel like she used to. She said she feels like her sister is more important to SM and she gets ignored and she said she feels the same way sometimes with her BD. DH asked her if she ever felt that way with us because of DS or the other kids and she said no. DH just tried to explain that sometimes it's hard to balance a much younger kid (her sister is going to be 4 in April) with an older kids because older kids can take care of themselves and younger kids need more supervision and help.

Anyway, I've known for a while that she is treated differently but she never saw it. She doesn't have her own room there. They have a guest/storage room where she sleeps. They have never let her make it her own. Before they lived in that house she slept on the couch and they bought that house when they got pregnant. They initially had DD and her sister sharing a room but it was decorated as a nursery. Then they moved her into the guest room because her sister had too much stuff. DD has told me in the past her stuff is in a cardboard box in the closet with the other storage stuff. They have bought her posters but sent them home for her to hang up here because they don't let her hang them up there. When checking DD's ipod (on routine checks for supervision) I have found photos she has taken in her room there. They have boxes stacked all over the room, ect. It is a storage space not DD's room. I've mentioned before about major differences in birthdays, ect.  I feel bad for her.

DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

Re: Weekend update- 2 separate issues

  • I feel for her. When my DS comes back from a weekend visit he's upset because he has to sleep on the couch, share a bed with another 6 year old girl or share a space with a 2 year old boy. He has nothing of his own and the things he does have are constantly broken by the other two kids or taken away and thrown in the trash because "he was bad". It sucks and I hate seeing DS upset.
    IAmPregnant Ticker}
  • My SD does not ahve her own room but neither so the other four that are my bio kids.  The two youngest girls share a room.  There are however enough beds that she has one to sleep on when she is there that no one else sleeps in on a regular basis. When SD is there the older girls usually end up pulling out the sofa bed and basically having sleep overs every night in the living room, so I am pretty sure it is not an issue.

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  • Wow that sucks. I can't imagine prioritizing having a guest room/storage room over giving your kid/stepkid a space to make their own. That is seriously messed up.

    I have to say as a stepmom sometimes I am resentful that SD (17 yo) has more space than anyone in our house (she's the only one that doesn't have to share a room) despite the fact that she's hardly here (and its been that way since she was little)...meanwhile DS & SS share a room (both at 11 yo) and are here way more - at least twice as much. But I know why we had to set it up this way...at least until we can afford more space. And no, we don't have a nursery...baby will be sharing room with mom & dad until we figure out the next thing. 

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • image&babymakes5:

    My SD does not ahve her own room but neither so the other four that are my bio kids.  The two youngest girls share a room.  There are however enough beds that she has one to sleep on when she is there that no one else sleeps in on a regular basis. When SD is there the older girls usually end up pulling out the sofa bed and basically having sleep overs every night in the living room, so I am pretty sure it is not an issue.

    There is a big difference between not having enough rooms for everyone to have their own room and choosing to use your extra room for storage instead of letting it be your child's bedroom is wrong IMO. They are essentially picking their boxes of junk over her and they have a garage they could use for that. DD shares a room at my house with SD. They each have their own beds and can decorate their part of the room however they want. And the birthday thing. Here is one example I posted : https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/68289646.aspx pay special attention to the date I posted and the date I reference.

    But that's not even the main concern. Gifts, material things are not super important. It's the way they have changed how they are treating her emotionally and to a kid that already has issues with people in general and trouble expressing her feelings (she has Asperger's) that is even more difficult for her.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

  • imagewren444:

    Wow that sucks. I can't imagine prioritizing having a guest room/storage room over giving your kid/stepkid a space to make their own. That is seriously messed up.

    I have to say as a stepmom sometimes I am resentful that SD (17 yo) has more space than anyone in our house (she's the only one that doesn't have to share a room) despite the fact that she's hardly here (and its been that way since she was little)...meanwhile DS & SS share a room (both at 11 yo) and are here way more - at least twice as much. But I know why we had to set it up this way...at least until we can afford more space. And no, we don't have a nursery...baby will be sharing room with mom & dad until we figure out the next thing. 

    Everyone shares in our house. DS shares a room with us even though my the room my SSs share sits vacant except when they are here.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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