(just a warning that a tl;dr is about to follow)
i just found this board today (though i frequented the bump while i was pregnant.) my first child, little sun, was born on 5 December 2012. i was 38 weeks exactly and had had a rough pregnancy (bad SPD, lots of oedema and ultimately pre-eclampsia), and my wife and i both thought that we'd finally gotten through the dangerous part. he was just breathtaking, and the two of us were in love, excited and exhausted all at the same time on that first day of his life. he cried and cried and could only be consoled for a few minutes at a time. they told us that wasn't unusual with newborns, and i think my wife and i were both too tired to question it. that night my wife and i noticed that his legs looked marbled, and she asked the midwife about it. before we knew it they were taking him to the NICU for the night. we spent a few hours holding him there while they dosed him with paracetamol to ease the pain he seemed to be in. we left at 2am as they were taking him to get a lumbar puncture.
that was the last time i saw him "alive". at 6am they came to our room to tell us he'd had a "malaise". we thought it meant that he'd just passed out. my wife asked if it was a life or death situation, and the pediatrician said it wasn't but that little sun would have to stay in the higher level NICU he'd been moved to for several weeks. we still thought he'd be okay.... before they finally allowed us to see him, a doctor and nurse came out of the NICU, took us in a little room and told us what was really going on. little sun had a virulent case of bacterial meningitis, and it was rapidly destroying his body. when my wife asked for odds, the doctor looked at her with such sadness and said, almost none. i knew then... when they took us into his little sci-fi inspired room, the pink, crying so very alive little boy i'd been holding just 8 hours before was gone. he'd been replaced by a swollen, mottled body that sprouted tubes and wires from everywhere. we spent the whole day in that room with him. test after test told us what we already knew...little sun was leaving us. his encephalograph showed no brain activity and his kidneys had stopped working. we told our doctor that we wanted to let him go, to turn off the machines and just hold him while he went. he died in our arms the 6th of December, a mere 36 hours after we first met him.
we've both been in a dream state (or perhaps "nightmare state" is a more appropriate expression) ever since. i thought i was doing better...i've been going out to walk briskly and even jog a bit nearly every day for the last week or so; i'm seeing a counselor; and my wife and i are planning to start ttc as soon as we get medical clearance (i'm 40 and she's 42, so we just don't have time to wait). last night, though, i had a huge break down where i couldn't stop sobbing and hyperventilating. my wife came into the room and told me to calm down and breathe slowly, and as i continued to sob she kept sighing in a frustrated way and she finally said, "i'm not doing well, and i can't be here for you right now," and she went to bed. that broke something in me. you see, my wife is French, i'm American and we live in Paris. i have no one here besides her...no family and just a couple of friends whom i see pretty rarely. i was in such a bad state last night, and it went on and on and on for hours until i finally got dressed and walked the snow dusted streets at 5am. i used to feel like the luckiest person in the world, because i had such amazing friends all over the world. now, like so many other babylost parents, my list is shrinking by the day. there were a ton of wall posts and private messages on facebook in the beginning (i have since deactivated the account out of concern for my sanity), four or five cards in the mail from people i barely know and an email here and there, but i haven't gotten one phone call from a friend since little sun died.....not one single call. i get exactly one phone call a week, from my mother. there are no support groups i can join because, though i speak and understand French, i don't feel fluent enough to delve into the depths of the emotions i am feeling.
i feel so *** alone with no one to talk to or visit or even call. last night if you could have given me a suicide button to push, i would have mashed the *** out of that ***
so, there is my big pity party of an introductory post. i guess i'm here because the next time that hypothetical self-self-destruct apparatus makes an appearance, i want pushing it to be the furthest thing from my mind. i know i don't have enough support where i am, and i'm hoping this board will at least give me the chance to get to know others who have also lost babies and that perhaps it will give me a bit more strength and help me to feel a little less alone.
warmth to you all.