losing my little sun

le+petit+soleil

(just a warning that a tl;dr is about to follow)

i just found this board today (though i frequented the bump while i was pregnant.) my first child, little sun, was born on 5 December 2012.  i was 38 weeks exactly and had had a rough pregnancy (bad SPD, lots of oedema and ultimately pre-eclampsia), and my wife and i both thought that we'd finally gotten through the dangerous part.  he was just breathtaking, and the two of us were in love, excited and exhausted all at the same time on that first day of his life.  he cried and cried and could only be consoled for a few minutes at a time.  they told us that wasn't unusual with newborns, and i think my wife and i were both too tired to question it.  that night my wife and i noticed that his legs looked marbled, and she asked the midwife about it.  before we knew it they were taking him to the NICU for the night.  we spent a few hours holding him there while they dosed him with paracetamol to ease the pain he seemed to be in.  we left at 2am as they were taking him to get a lumbar puncture. 

 

that was the last time i saw him "alive".  at 6am they came to our room to tell us he'd had a "malaise".  we thought it meant that he'd just passed out. my wife asked if it was a life or death situation, and the pediatrician said it wasn't but that little sun would have to stay in the higher level NICU he'd been moved to for several weeks.  we still thought he'd be okay....  before they finally allowed us to see him, a doctor and nurse came out of the NICU, took us in a little room and told us what was really going on.  little sun had a virulent case of bacterial meningitis, and it was rapidly destroying his body.  when my wife asked for odds, the doctor looked at her with such sadness and said, almost none.  i knew then...  when they took us into his little sci-fi inspired room, the pink, crying so very alive little boy i'd been holding just 8 hours before was gone.  he'd been replaced by a swollen, mottled body that sprouted tubes and wires from everywhere.  we spent the whole day in that room with him.  test after test told us what we already knew...little sun was leaving us.  his encephalograph showed no brain activity and his kidneys had stopped working.  we told our doctor that we wanted to let him go, to turn off the machines and just hold him while he went. he died in our arms the 6th of December,  a mere 36 hours after we first met him.

we've both been in a dream state (or perhaps "nightmare state" is a more appropriate expression) ever since.  i thought i was doing better...i've been going out to walk briskly and even jog a bit nearly every day for the last week or so; i'm seeing a counselor; and my wife and i are planning to start ttc as soon as we get medical clearance (i'm 40 and she's 42, so we just don't have time to wait).  last night, though, i had a huge break down where i couldn't stop sobbing and hyperventilating. my wife came into the room and told me to calm down and breathe slowly, and as i continued to sob she kept sighing in a frustrated way and she finally said, "i'm not doing well, and i can't be here for you right now," and she went to bed.  that broke something in me.  you see, my wife is French, i'm American and we live in Paris.  i have no one here besides her...no family and just a couple of friends whom i see pretty rarely.  i was in such a bad state last night, and it went on and on and on for hours until i finally got dressed and walked the snow dusted streets at 5am.  i used to feel like the luckiest person in the world, because i had such amazing friends all over the world.  now, like so many other babylost parents, my list is shrinking by the day.  there were a ton of wall posts and private messages on facebook in the beginning (i have since deactivated the account out of concern for my sanity), four or five cards in the mail from people i barely know and an email here and there, but i haven't gotten one phone call from a friend since little sun died.....not one single call.  i get exactly one phone call a week, from my mother.  there are no support groups i can join because, though i speak and understand French, i don't feel fluent enough to delve into the depths of the emotions i am feeling. 

i feel so *** alone with no one to talk to or visit or even call.  last night if you could have given me a suicide button to push, i would have mashed the *** out of that ***  

so, there is my big pity party of an introductory post.  i guess i'm here because the next time that hypothetical self-self-destruct apparatus makes an appearance, i want pushing it to be the furthest thing from my mind.  i know i don't have enough support where i am, and i'm hoping this board will at least give me the chance to get to know others who have also lost babies and that perhaps it will give me a bit more strength and help me to feel a little less alone.

warmth to you all. 

jess123456

Huge hugs to you. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet baby.

Please know that you have come to the right place and it is filled with amazing and supportive people who really understand. I hope you find the same comfort and support that I have here.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that you aren't alone and we are always here for you.

Carolee

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy.  You are in the right place.  This board moves a little slowly, but this is a great community and I've found so much support here.  I hope you will find it helpful.  I'm sorry you're joining us, but welcome.

HullGut

I'm so sorry things are so difficult right now. I couldn't imagine going through all of this in another country. I'm so sorry your little sun is not here with you. This board is very supportive and has helped me a lot. Sometimes I start to feel so alone and then I remember all the other mothers who are going through his terrible grieving process like I am. It helps me to know that this is horrible but I'm not alone. 

silverlining8d

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. This breaks my heart and I'm sorry your wife isn't able to be there for you the way you need her to be. It can be so hard to know how to handle even basic things. And knowing that I know what it's like to want to harm yourself but if you start seriously considering suicide PLEASE call someone. There are hope lines listed if you search them online but if not those call/go to the ER. Suicidal thoughts is nothing to mess with. You are not alone and you will get through this. I know people who have come out on the other side of child loss and I have hope that we all will. Our pain will never end but it will get better.

Noethola

I am so very sorry for the loss of your little sun. Please know that we are all loss parents who are here to find support in one another. 

 I know that for us, it was helpful to just know we were not alone, what we were thinking and feelings was also what others had thought and experienced. I think it might be helpful for you to check out the following websites, since you are unable to find support where you are: www.stillbirthday.com and www.stillstandingmag.com. Both have excellent resources for fathers, including blogs written by other loss fathers.  

I hope that we can be a comfort to you, as we already are to one another here.  

le+petit+soleil

Noethola -- thank you for your kind words.  i, too, find that websites and forums about babyloss are particularly comforting right now.  i will look at both the sites you mentioned (although, does it matter that my little boy wasn't stillborn?)  

 i'm actually the one that gave birth to little sun, and my wife was his "maman", so the resources for fathers probably won't be too practical.  i do read some blogs, though by fathers.  

 gettting the responses here is already a comfort.  thank you so much for taking the time to reply. 

le+petit+soleil

silver -- wow, it's very touching to receive such a warm and caring response to my post from someone who is so new to this sad, sad club.  i've been looking at your blog, and i sincerely hope you continue to post.  i'd like to know about your Sebastian.  he and my little sun would have been nearly the same age.  

 

thank you for the concern you show.  i promise i won't be pressing any suicide buttons any time soon.  depression and i are longtime companions, and it would seem i have a stronger will to live than i ever imagined.   if i ever do get mentally fubar, there's a psychiatric hospital that's literally a minute's walk from my house, and my wife will not hesitate to walk me down there if needed.  (maude forbid it ever happens...)  

 i look forward to more of your posts.  many hugs to you. 

le+petit+soleil

Hull -- thank you for responding.  i can already see what a lovely place this is.  your Hunter is beautiful, by the way.  i cried looking at his pictures and thinking of how completely shredded your heart must be after losing such a magnificent little boy.  i can see it in the photo of you holding him after he'd passed... that same look of soul-emptying loss and total emotional devastation that i see on my own face in picture of me holding my lost little sun.  i am so sorry that we share this bond.

 

peace to you. 

le+petit+soleil

Carolee -- thank you so much for the welcome.  i've lost the ability to tell the difference between fast and slow as far as time goes, so i'm sure the rhythm of the board will be perfect.  

le+petit+soleil

jess -- thank you.  your post just radiates warmth and makes me happy (will that ever be the right word again?) to be here.  

Williamandshawnna

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little sun. I am also sorry you feel so alone. You have come to the right place for support. The board is an amazing source of support and knowledge.

The best thing for me, even 8 months later is to come here for support and understanding. I have found writing and reading others blogs have given me an outlet to know I am not alone during my dark moments.

Please be gentle on yourself. I wish you peace and comfort during this difficult part of your journey.

HUGS

tuscanbride2007

I am so sorry for the loss your precious boy. Everyone on here may have a different story, but we all know what it is like to lose a child(ren).

((HUGS))

Heatherhah

I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. You are never alone now that you have found us. We are all here to help if and when you need it. Hug hugs to you. I know your pain all too well! Heather

OSUWifey09

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet little sun, and that you feel alone. This board has been an incredible source of strength for me since my son was stillborn six months ago, and I hope we can provide that strength for you as well. It's nice to be in a place where people understand and don't judge you, your feelings, your healing process or your thoughts.

Please post when you feel the need. It does move a little slow at times, but we're still here for you. *hugs*

PinkCamino

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss ((HUGS))

I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.

MrsZ816

So sorry to have to welcome you here.  I hope this board helps you feel less alone, I know it has done that for me over the past few weeks.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

sand&starfish

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy, and that you have to be here, but hope that it will be of help. I've only been here for a short time after losing my little boy 4 weeks ago, but it has already been a great place to know that I'm not alone in my grief or my thoughts. I hope it will be the same way for you.

SaltyDonut

I am so sorry for the loss of your little sun. I am in awe of your bravery (although it often feels that its not) of being in another country during this devastating time. I can sympathize with knowing what it is to have a un-supportive wife. I'm sure she hurts too but there are no words for what I know you are going through, and to feel anything but support from a partner (even if its silence as we break-down) is awful. I hope that this board can bring some comfort to your aching heart. Just remember you are not alone, we are all here for one another. Sending you much love & light! 

Missy0483

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my son on December 6, 2012. But he was 6 months old. SIDS took him.