Weigh In #2
Phantomgirl
member
We get SS every weekend.
Lately he has been expressing that he does not like the arrangement. He would prefer to spend weekends at BMs house so he can play outside with his friends. I would actually prefer this for him as he lives in a really safe area and he can pretty much run around outside, play football and build forts (the latest project!). The stuff kids should be doing.
DH and I live out in the country side and there are no kids around his age so he is pretty much stuck with us for the weekend. I have to admit he spends a lot of it indoors as I am playing catch up form working all week.
Lately he has been asking that we drop him home early on a Sunday so he ?has a least one day to play?.
However, BM has been whispering in my ear that she does not want him home ?to early? (new bf obviously sleeps over).
Last Sunday I broke the news to SS that he was coming to the lakes with DH and I and then we would drop him home. He was majorly upset and actually cried on the way, lots of ?it?s not fair? ?I won?t get to play at all? etc... He did loosen up and enjoy it once we were there.
So here is how this weekend will go...
I will arrive at 5:45pm to collect him. He will be outside on the green and I will have to pull him away from his friends. He will walk over all morose and get in the car say ?hi? and ask ?so, what?s the plan?. DH is working late this eve so the plan pretty much is that SS and I will be home alone. Tomorrow we will get up and he will watch TV while I clean/vacuum/do laundry etc (I work all week so it?s my only day) but this is the part that gets me. If he was home he would be outside with the kids. Then I will take him to football and then home. DH will be home early so he will hang out with us, we will prob go out to eat or stay in and watch a movie. Sunday we will have breakfast and go somewhere where the dogs can run/swim etc (it?s their only day!). So he will see lots of me and some of DH BUT none of his friends.
NOTE: I do lots of things with him at weekends like trips and going out to lunch where he likes but I can?t do it every weekend. Last Saturday we spent the entire day in Northern Ireland with my dad, SM, nephew and brother. We hiked, climbed and played football from morning till late that eve and SS had a blast. BUT like I say I can?t do that every weekend.
So is this arrangement fair? Who is it benefiting? I don?t want him to resent coming to our house BUT I see why he would.
Last night DH said ?you know I have college on Saturday (he is taking eve classes and one Sat a month) so I will have to work late Friday to get done? . We talked about it and both feel it would be much better FOR SS if I didn?t collect him until Saturday eve BUT then we are giving up visitation and SS is only 11, we are not ready to let go just yet. If we suggest it this weekend, what about the next time DH has college or has to work late??? Plus BM works on Saturday and kinda depends on me having him, so her family (who live beside her) would have to step in.
We will stick with it his weekend BUT going forward I really don?t like depriving him of his carefree time with his friends. Is SS paying the price of what works for BM and DH schedules???
Re: Weigh In #2
ETA just reread your post. So, going forward maybe just the weekends DH has school, you pick up SS on Saturday instead of Friday. That way, you're not giving up time EVERY weekend but SS still gets weekend time with his friends. I think it's a reasonable compromise.
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Considering BM works every Saturday, I don't see how it's beneficial for him to be at her place. What if you worked something out with her so he got home early Sunday? That way he would have all of Sunday afternoon to play with his friends?
Or work out an every other week-end schedule and see him some weekday evenings?
In general I don't think you should give up time and instead make the time more meaningful. With SS we will do a chore then something fun, like he may vacuum while I mop then we go to the indoor pool. Win win for both of us because chores get done faster so there's time for something fun.
Id say when they're driving around 16 they can decide not to come or spend whole weekends
Yes. We have had his bff D out a couple of times. T is not allowed come to our house because him mom is terrified of dogs and we have three. T2 does not do sleepovers (his choice) but SS has had several at his house.
Still though again its not something I want to do every weekend.
This is what I am leaning towards BUT DH and BM may not agree.
I like the noon on Sunday idea, too, as long as it works out for his friends. Some families hold Sundays for family time, so there might not be as much playing in the neighborhood, but I guess that's here, not there.
It still sounds like BM is being irresponsible. I thought having a boyfriend might mean she'd slow down and spend less time at the bar and out drinking, but it doesn't really sound like she picked a winner.
But I always thought the agreement was for BM before anyone else. She wanted her time.
This is a tough one. I keep waiting for this to come up more with my SD. She's 13, and I know it must be hard to not have weekends to be with her friends. As she gets older, I think this will be a big problem for us. However, DH misses her and wants to see her as much as possible. We only get her EOWE, but sometimes things do still get in the way. We try and switch when we can if there are birthday parties or whatever to go to. We feel it isn't fair for her to have to miss those kinds of things just because her parents happen to be divorced and she has to switch houses all the time. It's certainly not her fault.
Weekends are the best times to be outside playing with friends. He is missing out on a lot here. School days aren't as fun because there is less time due to school itself, homework, and being in bed earlier. I think it is hard on a child to make them give up every single weekend just because his parents aren't together anymore. I would seriously think about modifying the schedule so that you get him EOWE. Or at least let him have the weekend your DH has college at home every month. The point of him visiting is to spend time with his father, and if he's not doing that he shouldn't have to give up so much time with his friends. If BM has to work, can she arrange with some of his friends' parents for him to hang out there until she gets home? That way he gets to play with his friends and she doesn't have to worry so much about it. And as for the BF, she needs to remember who is more important. If she needs to make adjustments with him for her son, then so be it. It's called parenting.
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Clearly I didn't read comments first. Disregard my suggestion, except the part about maybe mediating them and trying to get them to realize this is for SS, not them.
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As the skids are older they are here less - because what you articulate happened, they were begging to see friends, then they were sullen....it deteriorated to where they were outright hostile at having to be here, not with their friends. No one had a good weekend.
If you can get BM to help you meet SS in the middle that might help. The other thing we did was organize sleepovers for SD/SS with their friends on our time at their friend's homes (their friends were not allowed to come here because BM told their parents DH was an abusive alcoholic with a temper and that I am so bad I am not even allowed in their town - that I will be arrested if I go there - can you say crazy?) - because like you, BM was not willing to have the kids "on her time". As the skids complained more and more to BM she lets them stay with her more.
We also do random things with skids that are not on the schedule. I think with older kids that becomes a neccessity.
So what was DH's plan again? How about HE work it out.
Yes Ilumine this is, of course, another post.
DH told me to 'do what I think is best'. He said it will not bother him one way or another.
Why would it?
Also, are you sure there is no other time you can clean/do laundry/vacuum other than Friday night? I find when SS is upset about coming, starting the weekend off with something upbeat and fun will help him be less upset and mopey. Maybe call him Thursday night and plan something you both can look forward to Friday evening.
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How about HE work it out. Tell him your concerns. Then let HIM do it.
At the same time I realize, though, that you seem to be the one thinking of SS first and foremost most of the time. Not trying to bash your H, but I can't help but think he is REALLY taking advantage of you.