to wait or not to wait? — The Bump
Military Families

to wait or not to wait?



I don't really have anyone in my life who is interested in listening to my dilemma...or at least willing to listen long enough to help. Heard this was the place to go!



I am a third year law student and my husband is Army infantry stationed in South Korea. We know we want a family, he even more than I. The timing is what has me worked up. I am 29. We are realizing that he will likely be deployed in some fashion or another for the next three years. Do we wait for him to finish out his contract? Do we just get started right away? What if we wait and have trouble conceiving, as I age. What if we have no trouble and I am left raising a baby by myself and he misses everything. I guess I am just wondering how this worked for any of you. Is it horrible dealing with the pregnancy alone?




Re: to wait or not to wait?

  • Hey, hey!  Calm down.  :)  I think you are getting yourself worked up about a lot of things before they even happen.

    One, he won't deploy for three years straight. Two, you have no idea whether or not you will have fertility problems. You might, but you might not.  Twenty-nine isn't necessarily old. I became pregnant the first month trying, at age 30, and had my son at 31, no problems or complications. Three, like many women before and after me, I went through most of the pregnancy, and the birth, alone. In addition, we have endured three more deployments (two for my husband, one for me) and countless TDYs.  It can be done. It's not easy, but it happens all the time.  And your coping skills only improve exponentially as time goes on.

     Still, you need to decide what is right for you.  Not everyone wants to raise a family in a military lifestyle, and that's OK! It is not easy or ideal, and we understand that. If you don't want to raise a child with the possibility of your husband being gone a lot, then don't.  My advice? He (and his unit) know better than anyone how often he'll deploy or go TDY.  Have him talk to them, or talk to you, about what his future might hold. Also, you can see a doc and talk to them about fertility, and they can do their best to assess you and your current health.

    Being alone during pregnancy is not bad if it's uncomplicated. Really. With complications, yes, you might need assistance.  But don't fret over something that hasn't happened yet. Try to breathe, think through this rationally, and ask the right questions to the right people so you can make an informed decision.  Good luck! :)

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  • I am assuming you intend to work as a lawyer? From what I understand, your first few years out of law school are no picnic, working insane hours, etc. I would not want to do that with a young child and a deployed/absent husband. I would wait. Have y'all talked about what happens after those three years are up? Is he definitely getting out? Does he have career plans for the civilian world? Do you plan to live where you are now?
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  • Base you decision to have kids on where you are in your relationship and your life when the time comes.  29 isn't old enough to start worrying.  DH and I were married 6 years when we found out we were pregnant (we had just started trying that year) and I'm 35.  I'm really glad we waited because for us, the first year or two of marriage were a BIG adjustment requiring a lot of compromise and working through different expectations.  Also, you don't know where you're going to be in your career until you see if you get a job where he's stationed.  I know plenty of lawyer spouses who have managed to have a career while moving around with their spouses.  It's not normally big law, so the hours are reasonable but the pay is also only reasonable :)  You may find that you love your job and being DINKs (Dual Income No Kids) and want to do both before starting a family.
  • You'll soon find out that there is no such thing as "perfect timing" when it comes to the military. DH has been in for 13 years and we've been together 9 of those years..we've spent the last three years TTC and have had no luck. Whether it's timing or another issue our doctors have yet to find. I would say stop stressing so much and go with your gut.
    TTC our first Navy baby! Me:27 DH:30, together since 8/2003, Married on 7/2006
    9/26/10 stopped BCP and started TTC.
    9/2011 referred to RE. All blood work normal and DH's SA=normal results
    11/2011 HSG=both tubes clear
    One natural (monitored) cycle of Clomid, 50mg 2/2012= BFN
    Getting ready for first IUI, 3/2012 received orders to Japan! (postponed IUI)
    5/2012 Moved to Japan, fought Tricare for months over referral (no fertility treatment on our military base) for Japanese RE out in town!
    8/2012 Started seeing new RE
    9/2012, post coital test= hostile cervical fluid, (finally) moving on with first IUI!
    9/29/2012 IUI #1+trigger= BFN
    10/27/2012 IUI #2+100mg Clomid CD5-9+trigger= BFN
    11/28/2012 IUI #3+100mg Clomid CD5-9+trigger= BFN
    12/28/2012 IUI#4+100mg Clomid CD5-9+trigger=BFN
    2/1/2013 IUI#5+injectables+trigger=BFN
    3/2013 IUI#6+injectables+trigger=???
  • Personally, I would finish law school first. I finished my M.S in criminal justice back in 2008. I pulled a lot of overnights drafting my thesis, cramming for finals, and trying to make contacts to find a job after grad. I finished school landed a job then got pregnant that next year (I was 28). The morning sickness, tiredness was tough, but it was nice having a job to leave at the end of the day, unlike school that is never ending with work. When I gave birth to my DD I had 12 weeks FMLA leave 6 weeks was paid. I am a SAHM now, but I love that I have a degree to fall back on when I return to work in the future. Education especially when you have invested a lot of time and money into it already is priceless. Good luck!
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