Hot Topic!
MrsCase1
member
I have a girlfriend who has, like, 15 kids (yes you read that right.) Some of them are special needs. Some are biological, some are adopted. She is recently divorced for the second time.
She has a voracious sexual appetite and hates to be alone. She is beautiful and dates frequently.
On her blog she posted that she feels your spoue should always comes 100% first over your children. She posted her reasons, and she met with a lot of agreement, and a lot of disagreement. Due to her various situations, she obviously took some heat for even dating to begin with.
Personal circumstance aside, which do you think should take precedence: the needs of your husband or of your children? The "givens" being you of course try to meet everyone's needs, don't neglect anyone, and are available to nurture anyone directly in a crisis. This is an "in general" hypothetical.
My friend even went so far as to say it would be better to skip one reading of "Good Night Moon" in favor of giving your DH a blowie so he wouldn't find someone else to do it. Yikes! LOL.
So, what say you?
Re: Hot Topic!
Our relationship is very important. I do feel in some ways that our relationship does come before Lj. However, need wise, my husband is a grown a** man. He can very well take care of himself, unlike a child. I do not consider sex (or any of its counter parts) to be a need. I'm there to nurture Lj and meet her needs at all times. regardless of of sexually hungry dh is. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this situation so I don't have any formal input.
Your last note does scream insecurity to me. I trust my dh to not run off when I can't satisfy him one night. He would much rather have Lj jumping on the bed, singing and pulling our hair than doing the deed. If she thinks men do this on a regular occasion she may need to reconsider what type of relationship she is looking for.
Olivia June BFP 12/26/10 EDD 09/01/11 Birthday 08/02/11
BFP 12/25/12 EDD 09/06/13 M/C, 01/02/13
BFP 01/28/13 EDD 10/08/13 STICK BABY!
"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12
Honestly, I am having a hard time answering the question because I sometimes find it hard to differentiate between needs and wants. For instance, I think a healthy sex life is a need for most people, but then again no one NEEDS a daily BJ. Same with kids, they need love and attention, but a lot of people will agree it's best NOT to give a tantrum-y child any attention. So how do you know when a need becomes a want and vice versa?
Also, my husband and I are adults and know to sometimes put our needs and wants aside for the sake of our children. That's only normal. But how much is normal? How much is too much? I think we can all agree that date nights are good to keep the romance alive or to simply reconnect with your SO. But how often should those happen? You obviously don't want to leave your kids with a sitter every night, but you need that "just the 2 of us" time as well.
All this to say I don't know how to answer your question. lol.
Whoops, I forgot to weigh in myself (if anyone even cares, LOL LOL LOL.)
I am learning to put my marriage first after having the most disastrous year of my marriage ever last year. I want to give my son the security and safe feelings that come from having parents with a strong marriage. It would be stability neither of us got the benefit of. I'm choosing to look at it as a gift to him.
I think it can depend on what's going on at the time, but I tend to feel as if our children need us more than we need one another. Children need attention, love, protection, education - they're literally lost without us. As adults we can reasonably be expected to go on alone if we have to.
My opinion on this is rooted strongly in the demise of every relationship I've had since my kids came to be because the men in question wanted me to put their selfish desires before the general well-being of my children. Then again, a good life partner will want as much as you do to care for your children and provide the best for them, so in THAT context here is my sort of...sub-belief, if you will:
That whoever needs you most at the time is who you should focus on. If your kids are doing relatively well and are healthy and adjusted but your SO is struggling at work or is concerned about a growth found on a scan or something of that nature, then your SO will need you more in those moments. Your kids will be okay while you spend some time focusing a bit more on your SO. Obviously SO can't (and shouldn't want to) suck up all the time and attention so that the kids are being pushed by the wayside. But we're all reasonable here, you know what I mean. On the flipside, if the kids are having a difficult time then they are more important at the time.
KWIM?
// I love you too. //
Yeah, I know what you mean. She was speaking solely in terms of when things are humming along on a normal routine, not when anyone is in crisis or has an urgent/emergent need. Trust me, with 15 kids when they need her, there is no other choice.
There's a lot of discussion on this topic over on the SAHM board. Mostly, the discussion stems from couples leaving their children to go on couples' vacations and other's pearl clutching at the idea of "abandoning" their children for a relationship that shouldn't need the nurturing that your children do.
For me, it's just not an easy answer. Honestly, I don't care what anyone else does. Jay and I have very similar values and priorities. We have found a balance that works well. The key to that balance lies in COMMUNICATION.
We run on a day-to-day basis strictly to survive. If he needs me or my attention, he tells me what he needs and vice versa when I need something. Otherwise, the default is to tend to the children and the family unit as a whole.
We do things as a couple, but the couple events are not a regularly scheduled event. They're available for schedule when we need to put our lives back in balance.
Strangely, one of my friends posted a link to a blog about the same topic today. I double-checked to see if it was the same one, but it definitely wasn't. (It's a homeschooling blog, and the author is married and didn't refer to 15 kids, lol.)
I believe that things need to be balanced between both relationships. However, if you're neglecting your relationship with your spouse and things are getting rocky there, that will bleed over into your parenting. It's important to protect your marriage to ensure that you're on the same page about parenting, and that you don't end up taking out marital frustration on your kids. Kids can tell when there is tension, and they react negatively.
But really... How long does it take to read Good Night Moon, and why can't he wait another 10 minutes? That sounds a bit ridiculous/extreme to me, and maybe she needs to look for more mature men who understand that sometimes bedtime takes a little bit longer...or that maybe he could help out with bedtime so that they can get to sexy time a bit sooner. (Basically, your spouse/partner should be mature enough to recognize the needs of children and that sometimes they have to sacrifice a bit as well. The wife shouldn't have to choose between spouse/children because the spouse should be at her side helping meet the needs of the children.)
// I love you too. //
ITA with Ladybug and Shanado. The partner should be mature enough to understand when a child's need over powers his wants.
However, I think this situation becomes more prominent as the children get older. I had my dad tell me (when I was like 13) that he will always chose my mom over me, at the time, it hurt a lot. But looking back, it's exactly right. And that's probably why they'll be married 25 years next week and were married at 18 years old. Teenagers are a whole different ball game and can definitely play one parent against another. At that time a parent has to chose their spouse over their kids, because the kids will be old enough to understand that mommy can't be there for them 24/7. Especially if the teen is trying to control mommy's life. KWIM?
So very true