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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
more MIL drama...FIL suicide attempt...gah....
alright, this is going to be LONG.
backstory: FIL had a massive stroke right after DH and i met 5 and 1/2 years ago. he was only 42 -- it was a freak accident (disected his corotid (sp?) artery while weightlifting) his right side is paralyzed (can walk with a cane) and he had ephaysia (sp?) -- basically, he knows what he wants to say, he just can't get the words out all the time. otherwise he's pretty mentally sound as ILs go.
the day we brought DS home from the hospital, MIL called to tell us that FIL had been found unresponsive on the floor and was in the hospital. she was pissed because he had "ruined" her day. later she told us that the night before they had had a fight because his leg brace was scratching her new SUV when he gets in and she had yelled at him (his leg is paralyzed, and an SUV is not the easiest car to get in for someone who has lost the use of one side of his body). she said he was jealous of her new car. when they had found him the next morning, he had not taken any of his medication and had been drinking liquor to "get back at her." she was adamant that it was not a suicide attempt. he just wanted to make her miserable.
flash forward to halloween week. i had posted about how MIL had confronted DH because we were looking at daycares for DS because my aunt who has been watching him 3 days a week is moving to TX. she ripped him apart and said we were killing our child because i was too selfish to quit so i could stay home (absolutely not financially feasable without running up a TON of credit card debt) -- it would cut our income in half...literally.
she was supposed to come over and see DS in his costume on halloween, but never showed. we called her on saturday because we were having a halloween party and DS was going to be in his costume again. she never called back, never showed. she ignored DH at work on mon and tues.
weds night she calls screaming at him about:
1.how he should have paid for his birthday dinner (a month previous). she had set the whole thing up and pounced on the check when it was brought to the table.
2. how the thank you card we gave her for buying the nursery funrniture wasn't "big enough." i thank her on a WEEKLY basis for it in addition to the actual thank you card we gave to her.
3. how my parents are cheap because my mom made a joke about just having our wedding reception at her work. it was a joke. and that was when we were planning our wedding. 3 YEARS AGO.
4. how we owe her an apology for considering putting DS in daycare. obviously, not happening, as we have NOTHING to apologize for.
5. how we don't "take care of her." apparently she gave her old car to her father and expects the equivalent from us. because, you know. we're a new family struggling as it is, but we have a car to give to her for the hell of it.
6. more stuff that i can't even think of because it was all so ridiculous and irrelevant.
DH ended that conversation as cordially as he could -- was not mean like i believe he should have been. and he wouldn't let me call her back to tear her apart myself.
she called saturday and said that the doctors who had taken care of FIL when he was in the hospital the day DS came home hadn't told her before, but he had tried to OD on valium. that's why she was being such a ***, and she didn't want to tell us, but she just found out the week before. um, ok? he was in the hospital 4 months ago and they are just telling you this now. i call BS. anyway, she gave us a sob story about how FIL said he had tried to kill himself because "everyone looks at him differently since the stroke and he didn't want DS to do the same." doubtful.
FIL always confides in DH about what a *** MIL is and how he's afraid to stand up to her because she will ship him off to a nursing home. and DH said she was just as crazy before FIL had the stroke, so it's not a result of added stress or anything like that.
I just feel so bad for DH to have to deal with that as a mother, and i don't want DS to be exposed to her crap. i also don't want her to buy anything else for DS because no matter what we do, we are NEVER grateful enough. how do i navigate that with the holidays? she will run off and tell her whole family and they will all be pissed at us too.
told you this was gonna be long, and if you got this far, thanks for reading. suggestions would be greatly appreciated....
This discussion has been closed.
Re: more MIL drama...FIL suicide attempt...gah....
you mean any suggestions beyond drop her off a cliff and bring FIL to live with you?
cause i don't have anything beyond that. sorry.
I am sure the rest of the family knows how she is, so I would not worry about what they all think. It sounds like your DH and you have it rough with the inlaws. I would just continue to do what you do. You can only say thank you enough and your gratefulness shows by the thank you note and a personal thank you. If she buys your lo Christmas gifts, then I would send her a thank you note from the grandbaby, how can she complain about that? Maybe that will shut her up with the ungratefulness. If she talks crap about that, then I would definitely go off. Best of luck with the holidays, before long, I have a feeling your dh will probably write her off anyway.
nope. she lies to them about us and they believe every word she says. because, you know, she's such a saint for taking care of her disabled husband, she can do no wrong.
::eye roll::
I would not want to be in your shoes. Sorry you have to deal with such a MIL! I don't even know what to tell you. Maybe just that you and DH need to have a talk and really make sure you are both on the same side. Refuse anything she gives you as she apparently wants equal in return.
oh and you don't just have an extra car laying around to give out? psshhh.. that's weird. :0)
Oh. My. God. I am SO sorry that your FIL is living with this woman. He clearly is struggling with the aftermath of having a stroke at such a young age, and being disabled now as a result... And to have to live with a #$&* who gets on his case about scratching her car?? That's insane and cruelly abusive.
As for advice, I would have to schedule a sit-down with MIL and DH, and you if it's appropriate for your relationship. Start by telling her how much you DO appreciate everything she's done/bought, and that you value you her as your DC's grandmother. BUT, tell her there are things you cannot condone, and by not saying something you feel it's as if you're giving your tacit approval for her actions.
Then list exactly what you truly find unacceptable. Pick your battles, though, and only tell her about the major deal-breaker issues.
Finally, most importantly, please be physically and emotionally there for your FIL. He is clearly troubled and struggling mightily; it sounds like he needs to know he has advocates and support, especially in light of his abusive and horrid wife.
GL...
Well...I have a little experience with family members who buy things in an attempt to control you. My grandparents did this to my parents and tried doing it to us. Here's my advice based on my experiences.
Tell your MIL that you appreciate the thought of her gifts, but have to decline because the price they come at (never being grateful enough, etc.) is too great. If she continues to buy gifts, return them. She sounds like a very destructive person so it would probably be best to cut her out of your life altogether. Yes, these actions will cause her to bad mouth you to everyone in town. Unfortunately, you can only control you and you have to decide what is most important to you...putting up with her for the sake of good relationships with other family members or stopping the damage and strife she is causing and suffer the social/familial consequences.
As for your FIL, get him a lawyer, a divorce and a new living situation. If he can't live with you, then surely there are other living alternatives that do not involve a nursing home. You need to get him out of that situation and in to some counseling before he hurts himself again. There are resources available for men in abusive situations, too. Although she is not physically abusive, she is definitely verbally and emotionally abusive to him. Get him help!