Blended Families

cruel words to SD

I'm hoping some of you can offer some guidance here. SD's BM is bat sh*t cray. She is a diagnosed borderline personality/narcissist. I've never met her in person but I do have an OP on her.

SD (age 7) told my H and I the other day that her mom told her not to love her little brother (my son, 3 mos old) too much because he's not really her family. That she should save her feelings for her "real" family (he's her half brother for god's sake). She also told her that I, her step mother, don't really love her, I am just doing a good job of pretending to, and that I only pretend to love her so that her father will love me. This is outrageously untrue.

Now, she told us with the attitude of "isn't this crazy?" but the poor little girl is only 7. She said when it happened it was bc she was excitedly telling her mom about her little brother and her mom got angry, they got in fights over this and she locked herself in her room. i cannot imagine how badly this must hurt her, mess with her sense of security and family, etc. She has in the past also told her that I will never love her like I love my son and she should remember that because he'll always be loved more in our home. Again, this is a first grader. 

Yes, we have a lawyer.

I don't care about convincing this woman she is wrong or making her like me, it's a waste of my time. She's 49 years old and ain't never gonna change.  But I DO care that she is clearly emotionally abusing/manipulating this poor little girl. 

SD sees a school counsellor. She has gone to other therapy but her mother pulls her out once she inevitably decides the therapist is not up to par (bc they tell her something she doesn't want to hear- typical borderline).

 



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Re: cruel words to SD

  • Wow.  I completely and totally sympathize with you, YH and SD.  My heart breaks for you, because I know exactly what you're dealing with and how much you want to make things better for SD.  K is 7 (same age as your SD), and BM pulls this same crap.  Even the counseling part.  As soon as the counselor doesn't tell BM what she wants to hear (which is that K is totally screwed up and it's all my and DH's fault) she yanks her out.

    When my husband and I told BM and K we were having a baby, K was sooooo excited and couldn't wait to tell everyone.  BM immediately squashed that and told K the pregnancy wasn't good news and that we (meaning DH and I) wouldn't want K around anymore since we would have our own child.  She has told K that PJ isn't her "real" sister and that me/my kids/my parents/my sisters aren't her "real" family.  K has been so hurt by the comments BM makes.  It's complete emotional manipulation and emotional abuse.

    That being said, all you can do is show SD how much you all love her.  K has started figuring out that the things BM says aren't true, and your SD will too.  I hate to sound totally cliche but actions really do speak louder than words.  So shower that little girl with love, give her as much attention as you possibly can and include her in everything.  Have YH spend one on one time with just SD, and find time for you to do the same.  Try and get a CO for SD to be in counseling and that should stop BM from pulling her out of counseling.  SD needs that safe outlet so that she can truly work through her feelings.

    Good luck.  I know this is all so incredibly hard and frustrating. 

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  • I'm not an avid poster on this board however I thought maybe some encouraging words may be needed. We had these same issues with my SD/BM when she was younger (4-7 y/o) and I can honestly say although it hasn't necessarily gotten better, my SD has started to recognize the untrue/ugly things her BM says and ignores them. She will repeat them to me/us sometimes and we just say "well honey, you know better than that and that's all I can say" and kind of let her sort through the lies vs. truth in her own mind. Unfortunately I think this type of situation makes them mature a little faster than they should but hopefully your SD will become fully aware of the situation also. Just remind her how much you love her and spend a little quality time with just you and her when you can and she will form her own opinion as she grows. Goodluck!

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    always my babies


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  • My SD is 9 and let's just say that BM and I parent very differently. I try not to many any negative remarks about BM to SD or in her presence. However, there are times that it can't be avoided. For me, one of those times would be BM trashing me, my child, or my family. If BM is telling SD lies about you guys, then isn't it better to tell SD that it is, in fact, a lie? A simple, "Oh, how silly! SD, you know we (correct the lie)."  We all know that SD will eventually figure out that BM is BSC and realize all the lies. But at what cost? If BM has succeded in alienating SD from you and your family, SD is the one who's hurt. Make sure you doccument everything!

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  • imagelb1212:

    My SD is 9 and let's just say that BM and I parent very differently. I try not to many any negative remarks about BM to SD or in her presence. However, there are times that it can't be avoided. For me, one of those times would be BM trashing me, my child, or my family. If BM is telling SD lies about you guys, then isn't it better to tell SD that it is, in fact, a lie? A simple, "Oh, how silly! SD, you know we (correct the lie)."  We all know that SD will eventually figure out that BM is BSC and realize all the lies. But at what cost? If BM has succeded in alienating SD from you and your family, SD is the one who's hurt. Make sure you doccument everything!

    my H recorded the conversation on his iphone.

    he's getting good at this.

    he also has BM assaulting him recorded as well

    we have had some frank discussions with her about how her mother is not like other people and what mental illness is.

    She said "I think this is part of her mental illness" when telling us. I said that I don't think these hurtful things were nice and they're absolutely untrue.

    The best part was her saying she thinks her mom is jealous. Her own observation.  



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