Hi Everyone,
Today is my first time posting about my new baby growing in my belly. I am a very excited new mom for sure. I am eating well and taking my vitamins. I can't wait to finally have a baby bump and a new baby in my arms. However, every day I sit in silence and feel an overwealming fear come over me. This baby was not planned and my boyfriend and I have not been together long enough to even wrap our heads around what is going to happen. He asked if I wanted to terminate the baby it would probably be best. We are not ready for a child. (I'm 30 and he is 34 and neither one of us have children) I'm not sure how ready we can be at this point. I refused to terminate the child, so at this point he says that he wants to be involved and does not want me to be a single mother. Part of me thinks he may be in denial. He says he wants the baby, but does not talk about it very often. So, it makes me feel as though I may be a single mother at some point after all and it scares me. I know it is not impossible to do, but I honestly just don't want to do it. So, every day I just sit alone for a few and think how overwealming all of this is going to be. I feel bad for the baby because he or she did not ask to be here. I'm sure many of you can relate. I just have a hard time explaining these feelings to my single mom friends.
Re: New Mom Fears (I just turned 30) Might be a "Single Mom"
Hi there.. I'm not a single mom but want to reassure you a bit.
I am sorry you feel this way. First of all, honestly, you will never feel "fully ready" to have a baby. Promise. Even when it IS planned, and everything IS lined up... it's still overwhelming, it is still scary.
What I gather is that you already love this baby, and that right there puts the little one ahead of many children in this world. As for your boyfriend, he is probably startled too and does not know how to react- even happily married men who also planned for the kid and want the child go through this.
Have you sat down with him and asked him about his worries and shared yours (including that of fearing in the end you will end up alone with the baby)? Have a heart to heart, maybe you are more on the same page than you think. If not, it's good to know now.
There are also other options... if you are truly not sure of what you can offer this child but do not want to terminate, consider adoption? Even open adoption so you can see how they are doing but know they are in "good hands" (from your perspective if you feel that you cannot provide in the same way).
Do your family/friends, although not single, provide a good support system?
But trust me, it's overwhelming regardless.
Agree with all of this!
I'm not a single mom, but like pp said, you can never be fully ready. I still think oh sh!t and this one was planned. MH doesn't talk about my pregnancies until it becomes real for him. When he sees my belly bigger and when he starts to feel kicks. It's just different for guys because we have an instant bond.
I think it would be a good idea to start a savings account now where you put a little money in so that if he does end up bailing, you aren't in shock. Do you have a good support system? That will help a lot too.
There really is no such thing as "ready". DH and I thought we were ready: we were married, with full time jobs, college educations and money in the bank when we conceived Olivia and honestly, we still have "oh sh!t" moments where we don't know what to do. Don't let that aspect knock you down - no parents knows exactly what the hell they're doing for a while.
As far as the boyfriend goes, if it seems like he wants to bolt (which frankly, it does, since he's the one who mentioned termination) you're going to be a single mom. It's not ideal but it's doable. Better to do it alone than to have a partner who doesn't help and doesn't want to be there. It'll be better for you and your child in the long run.
Guys don't instantly bond like we do. Give him a chance to get used to the idea of fatherhood. Guys go through a mourning period of sorts - its the end of their selfish time.
BFP #1 4/10/12 D&C 6/5/12@ 12.5wks EDD 12/17/12
BFP #2 9/10/12 CP 9/19/12@ 5.5wks EDD 5/21/13
BFP# 3 12/3/12...Lukas James born 8/15/13
BFP# 4 8/4/14 EDD 4/13/15
I know exactly how you feel... with my last pregnancy... we ended up breaking up when I was 34 weeks pregnant. He wasent emotionally present the entire pregnancy or emotionally present in our relationship. I wish we had ended it sooner.... truthfully I was alone when we were together anyway. I have to say I had the same fears of not wanting to do it on my own and I cant stress enough how little it mattered once she was born. Truly the biggest blessing in my life! I feel incredibly empowered having to have do it alone. Your life throws you curve balls but rest assured you can handle a lot more than you ever give yourself credit for:)