1st Trimester

Don't want BF's friends advice

Hi all, this is my first post. I am 6 weeks pregnant, and my boyfriend and I have been holding off on telling most people. I've told my parents, my best friend, and two very close coworkers; he told his best friend and a few other close friends. We were talking last night and he said he told his friend Sally (name changed) because "we could use her advice." She has a couple kids yes, but I don't particularly like her (haven't told him that, I don't want to seem like a grouch), and I don't respect the way she raises her children. She smokes cigarettes, uses "cuss words", and uses corporal punishment. I'm not trying to judge her, I'm certainly not a prude, I quit smoking the second I found out I was pregnant and will continue to cuss until this baby pops out of me, and to each her own, but I don't want my child growing up in an environment anything like the situation she has provided for her children. I know it's hard to be a stay at home mom by yourself all day, but the first time I met her she pushed her 10 month old me under the ruse of "Well you can *hold her, feed her, change her, etc* if you want to!". How am I supposed to say no actually I don't want to, please take care of your child yourself? Can't.

Anyway, it offends me that my BF told me that "WE" could use her advice. I have plenty of women in my circle of family and close friends who can provide, in my opinion, much better advice. I would really like to tell him that I never want to hang out with them again, but they've been friends for a long time so I won't do that. 

After all that, here's my question: How do I tell him that I don't want her advice or help, without sounding like I'm rude or ungrateful or give it away that I really don't like her. She lives a completely different lifestyle than I do and we have major opposite personalities, and I do not agree with her parenting style.  Any suggestions are helpful. Thank you in advance, and sorry for the rant!

 

Re: Don't want BF's friends advice

  • I agree with pp... Your bf was probably only being polite. Just smile, nod and move on :)
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  • You really can't pick or choose the advice that you are given, whether from a stranger on the street or from a 'friend' with very different parenting styles.

    Just listen to the advice, smile, say thank you and make a mental note to never, ever do that.

    I would also make sure to let your BF know that while you appreciate her advice, you aren't certain you will be parenting in the same manner as Sally, so that he understands how you feel. It sounds like you and your BF may always want to have some discussions on parenting styles as well.


     

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  • Simply tell him that you would rather get advice from people who you are close to. People who know you and how you would raise your child. While your fine hanging out with her you would rather use a closer source for baby advice. He shouldn't get offended. And if she does give you advice without asking just tell her you will take it in to consideration. And leave it at that.
    DS 3/25/03 awaiting 2nd arrival due 9/23/13
  • imagemdesmet20:

    You really can't pick or choose the advice that you are given, whether from a stranger on the street or from a 'friend' with very different parenting styles.

    Just listen to the advice, smile, say thank you and make a mental note to never, ever do that.

    I would also make sure to let your BF know that while you appreciate her advice, you aren't certain you will be parenting in the same manner as Sally, so that he understands how you feel. It sounds like you and your BF may always want to have some discussions on parenting styles as well.

    All of this!  In general, I think it's good to keep an open mind to advice, and if you get some crazy advice, smile and ignore it.  What concerns me is that if she makes a lot of decisions you're not on board with (smoking, corporal punishment) and your BF thinks she is a good role model, you may have some serious differences of opinion on parenting.

    I would look into childbirth and parenting classes that may be offered through your doctor's office or the hospital that you're going to deliver at, and discuss with BF how you want to parent and get on the same page about the big things before baby gets here. 

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  • My husband and I were pregnant with our first before we were married. To this day, I don't know if the bumps in our road were due to my hormones or normal "just moved in together" things.

    Boyfriends and husbands and uncles and brothers and dads and pretty much every man who cares about you are all going to say something stupid at one point, not because they're ignorant, but because they want to help and they don't know how.

    "Thanks but no thanks" might be your mantra for a while. ;) 

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  • my mother-in-law started with the advice right away (mind you it's been 33 years since she's been pregnent) I've been saying to people advise is welcome but don't be offended if I/we don't take it, this is our baby and we will decide whats best and how we want to handle situations as they come up. I would let your BF know how you feel (communication is key) you have some very valid points and it's not being a grouch it's just being a mom and wanting to do what's right by your child.. (I'll be honest from what you wrote I don't agree with her style of parenting either) I would say don't shut down when she starts offering up tips some of the things my mother-in-law has said have been out dated (and my husband and I had a good giggle like once the baby can hear (about 16 weeks) watch what you say ) but others and saved my sanity (and maybe my carpet by the bed) at times. some of the tips she's given me that have helped are ~have water, crackers, and the zofran next to the bed nibble on a cracker and take a couple sips of water before you lift your head, if the water and crackers don't work then take the zofran ~take your prenatal at night rather than in the morning depending on how sensitive your stomach is the prenatal could actually cause you to feel sick ~don't feel guilty if you need to sleep.. go to sleep the baby needs you to rest as much as possible right now. ~there are going to be aches and pains try not to freak out each time you get one (I needed that one lol) ~try sucking on lemons to settle your stomach ~if all you can hold down are hamburgers and fries than eat that, just let your dr know that's all your eating so they know to watch your weight and run tests to make sure things are not getting out of control) ~don't be afraid to call the DR they understand ~talk to the baby as much as possible so he/she knows your voice
  • When you are around her I would smile and nod. Then later tell your BF something like "You know, I was thinking about how Sally said we should spank our kids, but I am really opposed to that. Here's what I have read/heard/learned about that kind of punishment and why it's bad . . . What do you think?" You guys are going to have to make a million parenting decisions and her bad advice may actually give you a starting point for some important conversations about how you want to raise your kid.

    Eventually he may see how different your parenting styles are (after your kid is here probably) and kind of drift away from them. But don't force it and cause resentment.

    DS: 2/17/11          DD: 9/4/13
  • You are about to have a child with this guy... you should be able to tell him how you want/plan to raise your child. That should also include you being able to tell him you don't care for the advice this person has given to you.

    Like other posts have said, you are going to get advice from everyone. You get to choose what you take and use and what you toss away. 

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  • imageshelliescove3:
    I agree with pp... Your bf was probably only being polite. Just smile, nod and move on :)

    This, totally. But i totally get where you're coming from. sometimes what hubs and I think about particular people is mindblowingly different.  I think i have severed my tongue on a few occasions...lol

     

  • imageBliss+Berry:

    tl;dr

    Be prepared for tons of advice you don't want or need.  It comes with the territory. Smile and nod and do what you want. 

    Yes
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  • It sounds like it is important for you DH to tell her. If it was just for advice he could get that later. I would consider why he wants to tell her and try to understand where he is coming from. Maybe you can agree to tell her later in your pregnancy. Just because someone gives you advice doesn't mean you have to take it.
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  • This actually sounds like a great thing because it opens the door for you and your BF to easily discuss what YOUR parenting style will be. You can talk about how you were raised, what you liked and what you would change, and he can do the same. Then you can set goals and plans for how you want your children to be raised, disciplined, encouraged, etc. You might not agree on everything but it will allow you to then voice what you aren't comfortable with and how anyone who gives you advice and is linked to those behaviors probably won't get much consideration in your book.

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